The Lady's Year in Review

12/29/2014 The Lady 1 Comments

There may be someone out there who can tell the future, but I certainly cannot. As I looked forward into my year on the other side of 2014, I could not have been more misled as to what events would come my way and where I would end up at the year's end. 

The greatest change that has come as of late is a change in location. Save for a necessary internship, I am finished with my masters degree. By some grand design, my internship has taken me to my rural hometown (yes, I am now living at home with my parents) where there are no eligible young men whatsoever. At least none that I have seen. Now that I have left a less bountiful city than Provo for an even more drought-ridden area, I am not certain this semester (or however long I am here) will provide any dating fodder, but I shall be present with any awkward (or perchance thrilling) stories that come my way. 

Now for my own amusement (and perhaps your own), allow me to review the highlights of my year and wrap up the loose ends which abound:

The Artist--Truth be told I nearly forgot about this particular short-lived confusion revolving around The Artist. I met him at that one-day EFY thing in January. I only was with him in person once, but he asked me to go to France with him and wanted to strike up a long-distance relationship. I discovered that he liked the idea of me more than he actually liked me, so I nipped that in the bud with good reason. The Artist is now happily engaged. Mazel tov. 

The Counselor--I met this unexpected man earlier this year in an institute class. His flirtations and non-flirtations with me have been agonizing. I wanted so badly to fall in love with The Counselor, but his lack of romantic advances have made it impossible. The Counselor quickly became one of my greatest friends and the saving grace of my semesters of grad school, and he admitted to feeling similarly about me, but he also let me leave without saying goodbye. I fear that what was once a great friendship and potential relationship has been obliterated. 

The Englishman--Through the means of Tinder, I accomplished a life goal and wooed a British man. But due to a lack of desire to commit to a long-distance relationship or give up any of my standards, a three month text and phone call based relationship came to a fiery end. 

The Southern Gentleman--A very short affair that was lovely and brought my "famine" to an end, but was also short-lived due to distance. Blast it all. 

The Younger Man--A spontaneous Halloween make-out led to a bit more than I bargained for. I admit to liking The Younger Man, quite a bit, but once again we settled the should-we-date debate on the complication of (you guessed it) long distance. It just can't be done I suppose, at least not for me. Although I am planning on spending New Year's Eve with The Younger Man...I wonder what sort of fireworks will occur.

Mr. Cowboy--Mr. Cowboy is bent on ruining my Christmases. And my life. Two years ago at Christmas, he appeared on my doorstep to wish my family and me the merriest. I hid in my bedroom. Like a coward. I am ashamed to admit that it happened again. After almost two years of avoiding him, he came round again. This time he was polite enough to send me a Facebook message asking me if a visit would be alright. I told him plainly that I couldn't stop him from being friends with my family, but a visit with him and his wife was not something I would be able to bear with comfort. Somehow the cad took that to mean that he should come alone. I informed my ever-reliable sister of my immediate distress and retreated. Every room in the house was occupied, so I found refuge in my parents' bedroom. My parents have a rather monstrous bed, and while attempting to climb up, I banged my thigh into the post (I now have a healthy bruise) which quickly elicited tears from my already watery eyes. I laid upon the bed in silent pain from my clumsiness and agony from the sound of Mr. Cowboy laughing and exchanging pleasantries with my family. Again I was in hiding, and I hated it. I would have loved nothing more than to saunter into the living room and let him hug me and pretend that all was well. The truth of the matter is that all is not well. I do not trust Mr. Cowboy and I do not trust myself with Mr. Cowboy. Thus my reasons for hiding away. I do not hide out of heartbreak, but out of a lack of trust in myself to be proper. Mr. Cowboy and I were never just friends. Never. While he was dating his current wife, he held my hand and kissed me. During his mission he wrote to both of us promising what he could only give to one of us. Somehow he expects that after all of that, the two of us can be friends. It simply cannot be. Cowardly as it seems, hiding has been my only escape. If you have any better ideas, email me next Christmas with a plan of action. 

That, ladies and gentlemen, was my 2014. Confusing and enlightening. Joyful and agonizing. I needed this year to prove to myself that I am made of tough stuff, that I have not lost my mettle or spunk or allure. I can only hope that 2015 brings me something better, and I wish the same for you. 

See you on the other side of a grand year, 
The Lady

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Merry Christmas from The Lady

12/25/2014 The Lady 0 Comments

Merry Christmas, dear readers. Doesn't this time of year make you want to be in love? Often I feel that I am too much in love with the notion of love. But at this time of year, I indulge that romantic, mushy, gag-inducing, corny, sort of desire for love. I keep watching movies like While You Were Sleeping (I watched that one twice this week) and I have been listening to my most sappy Christmas songs over and over again (my family loves it). There are many things I wish to tell you about my current circumstances (still single, no worries), but I want that to wait until I can gather my thoughts. Until then, please enjoy one of my favorite sappy Christmas songs.



Merry Christmas and happy loving if you have it, and happy hunting if you're still in the midst of looking as I am.

The Lady 

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Winter in China

12/23/2014 The Charmer 0 Comments

Hello, it is I, the Charmer. I just wanted to assure you that yes, I AM alive. There have been a few inquiries as to whether or not I'm dead....okay, mostly from my mother, as I haven't been the best at Skyping home regularly. (Although with this nasty cold I've had for the last 6+ weeks, I could very well be on the brink of death without knowing it)

So...life in China. Currently I am sitting alone in my apartment, surrounded by piles of exams and papers to be graded, eating red bean rice balls. On the one hand, that is a fairly accurate portrayal of the average day in the life of the Charmer for the last 4 months. I grade a lot of papers (who knew being a teacher was so much work?!?!), I am frequently alone in my apartment, and I eat a lot of Chinese food. Especially rice.

But that's kind of a miserable portrayal of my life. Actually, life in China is fabulous...aside from the part where I'm freezing 24/7. I really have never been so cold in my entire life. Apparently, this province of China doesn't believe in indoor heating. I literally wear my coat and gloves while teaching. In fact, the only classroom I spend time in that actually has a heater is my Chinese class, which gives me quite the incentive to attend regularly. Besides the cold part, however, life has been great. I love my students, who continue to delight me with their preciousness (even though they are in college). I love teaching them about the REAL reason for Christmas...although without getting too religious, of course (cue the Pentatonix songs). I love Taobao, which is basically the Chinese version of Amazon, on which I buy way too many clothes for way too cheap that arrive at my doorstep 2 day later. Even though I still crave American food occasionally, I'm starting to get to the point where most days, I'm actually hungry for Chinese food. And, luckily, my Chinese is improving line upon line and I can now decipher whether I'm ordering chicken or pork at a restaurant.

Honestly, though, living alone is strange. I hadn't ever lived on my own before; I'd always had siblings or roommates or mission companions. But I feel like living alone does strange things to a person. At least it has to me.
Number one, I talk to myself....a LOT. I think that's also partially due to the fact that I live in a country where I can't talk to everyone I meet. I noticed when I got home from my mission that I was talking a lot to myself, especially when I was driving alone. After all, I was used to having a companion who couldn't escape from the conversation. Coming to China has only made the monologue-ing worse.
Number two, my personal hygiene habits have....erm...slipped....a little bit? Taking a shower nowadays is a big commitment since it's so cold. Sure, the shower part is warm, but I know that the getting in and out of the shower parts are going to turn my entire body into ice. So, umm....yeah. I shower less frequently.
Number three, I've discovered I'm a little bit of a messy person. Well, it's not so much that I'm messy, it's just that I kind of spread out and don't ever really bring it all back in again. I feel like you can see my thought process throughout the day by looking at my living room and where I've deposited various objects.

Yes. I'm learning a lot about myself from being here.

Anyway, hopefully those habits haven't made me too socially unacceptable because in only four days, Ammon...aka my long-distance BOYFRIEND... will be here. AHHHH! Am I excited? Of course! Am I also like super duper out of my mind freaking out nervous? Umm....kind of. Even though we have skyped regularly for the last four months, I only actually spent time around him for a week. And we weren't dating then. And I haven't touched a boy in four months and now I feel like I've regressed back into my "I'm an RM and I'm awkward around boys" mode.

But, it's fine, right? Besides, the first couple of days we're going to be hanging out with a bunch of other YSA teachers in my branch so even if I am completely awkward, it hopefully won't be too noticeable in a group setting. Right?!

Well, wish me luck! And of course, Merry Christmas! (圣诞节快乐！)

xoxo,
迷人的女孩 (the charmer)

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Ben the Bold II

12/14/2014 The Blue Stocking 0 Comments


 After Ben’s guest appearance at Wednesday night diner, I felt oddly hopefully for our next encounter. We planned a Holiday night which included making dinner at his place and decorating his Christmas tree. Friday night he pick me up so we could go grocery shopping. It was there I admitted the only food I shopped for was milk, cereal, and Oreos. I truly hope guys find my unhealthy habits endearing. After shopping, we went back to his apartment and met all of his roommates. 

Now I need to say this before we go any further. Ben looked good. Like really good. I liken him to a lumberjack in his plaid and beard. I must confess there were moments where I just stared at him like some creepo who had never met a man before.

Ok now that his attractiveness has been established, back to the date.

In the beginning things were very promising. We teased and laughed as we made dinner, but as the hours ticked by I found myself struggling to come up with anything to say. In fact, I found myself having more in common with his roommates than him. Have you ever had that happen? I was even a little sad to see them retreat back to their rooms. Come back friends!

After four hours of dinning and decorating I believed we were done. But no, he suggested we make dessert, but only after we watched youtube videos for an hour. Nothing more fun than an hour devoted to watching a guy’s favorite video on clowns.


During dessert I was pulling out every cliché question to just get me through the night. Don’t get me wrong. He was a great guy, a fantastic guy, but together we were not so great. I believe he felt the same way. After 5 ½ hours, I finally made it back to my door step where he did not ask me out again. I think we both knew this wasn’t going anywhere BUT Grant doesn’t need to know that.  

-The Bluestocking

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Ben the Bold

12/10/2014 The Blue Stocking 1 Comments

 In November, after the sadness that was Grant and the return of all the exes, I needed a distraction. And that’s when Ben came into the mix. He was a set-up courtesy of a friend. Ben Facts: He has a glorious beard, he loves Russian lit, and he’s in med school.  

Heaven knows I needed a break from the Lawyers.

Initially things were awkward. How can they not be? A stranger comes to your house and ushers you into his car. You’re basically giving consent for kidnapping. I mean sure you’re not a kid and yeah they plan to return you. BUT what if they didn’t. Terrifying right.

Anyways, for the first couple of minutes we talked about the person who set us up and then we hit into the getting-to-know-you questions. As we muddled through our answers we somehow stumbled on something genuine. What we want from a relationship. Might as well get down to the point. He then confessed his favorite love stories were Beauty and the Beast as well as Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. And I confessed to being terrified that all of his favorite fiction centered on guys kidnapping women in order to get married.

I mean he had after all kidnapped me…sort of.

After a lighthearted two hours he dropped me off at my doorstep, but before he left he asked me out for that Friday night. I’m not one for guys asking on the doorstep, but another date with that beard Ben was something I couldn’t turn down.  

Wednesday night rolled around which meant it was dinner with friends night. I sat next to Grant who, surprise surprise, was acting weird. I fidgeted with my phone, pretending someone somewhere was interested when a message from Ben popped up:

Ben: "It’s wed dinner with friends right? I wanted to see you so I thought I would swing by.”

Well ok then.

There has never been a more magnificent moment in the history of dating moments than when I sat next to Grant feeling utterly rejected and in came Ben in his bearded bold glory.

That night we separated ourselves from the group and one by one everyone left Ben and me to our flirtations. Hours later the restaurant booted us to the parking lot where we planned our next date.


Ben pulls off this this whole forward thing.  

-The Bluestocking

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Merry Christmas?

12/08/2014 The Romantic 5 Comments

It is nearing 12:00 midday here in the land of the morning calm. To avoid showering, studying for the GRE, and other things of an adult nature I have decided to once again awaken from my long blog slumber and regale you with some tales and woes of dating in the ROK.

Christmas in Korea is a horse of a very different romantic color. In the west, Christmas is all about family traditions, gathering with loved ones, spreading Christmas cheer, and so on and so forth. But in Korea, well Christmas is viewed as just another of their many "couple" days. It's celebrated much like Valentine's Day. If one ventures outside on this day, your eyes will be barraged with couples, couples, and more couples.

Needless to say, I'm pretty upset about this. There's been all sorts of "woe is me" and gnashing of the teeth going on in my lonely, one person apartment. I like it when Christmas is, well you know, about Christ. I didn't need another holiday to remind me how single I am.

Which brings me to another point. Koreans have graduated from asking me if I have a boyfriend to why I don't have a boyfriend. If I knew why I didn't have a boyfriend, do you think I would still be single??? They've all seem to come to the swift conclusion that if I really wanted a date for Christmas, I could get one. They all have also decided that my single state is because of the way I look. According to Korean standards, I'm far too pretty to be single. So guys just assume that I have a boyfriend and don't bother to approach me. Are you as baffled by this theory as I am? I've never been considered pretty in America. Cute on a occasion, but never beautiful. I think they just like me for my big eyes (no, but really that's what they all tell me). I give up.

There's all these rules to dating in Korea that I don't fully understand, or even slightly understand. In fact, unbeknownst to me, I maybe had a Korean boyfriend for several months and I didn't even know. I'm not sure how flirting works here. So, in my continuing efforts to get married, I've decided to move back to America. I'll be heading back your way sometime next spring.

Until then, may you find yourself under some mistletoe~

Xoxo,
The Romantic

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Blue's Fall Adventures: October

12/04/2014 The Blue Stocking 5 Comments

In October, Grant and I entered month three of hanging out and I was getting antsy. I craved something solid. Something more than just last minute hangouts. The first week of the month we spent every night together, but that weekend was marked by silence. It was torturous. I broke down on Monday night and texted him, starting a conversation that lead into the AM, but no invite to come over. 

This infamous weekend was the end of our personal hangouts, but sadly not the end of our "friendship" as we continued to spend time hanging out with our friends. Sure we still messaged and sent funny snapchats to each other, but there was a definite shift dividing an ‘us’ into a ‘him’ and a ‘me’. This together yet apart situation caused me to go through a myriad of stages each lasting a couple days. 
  • The “sad” stage: Where I gained an Oreo belly of sorrow and stalked his social media pages.
  • The “forget him” stage: Where I raged out and avoided him.
  • The “I’ll make him like me!” stage: Self-explanatory and rather pathetic.
  • The “Acceptance” stage: Where I realized I couldn’t force someone to be with me and I resolved to listen to “Nicest Thing” by Kate Nash on repeat. 

I just wish I knew what happened. And every group hang out just makes everything more complicated. Especially when our friends decide to talk about dating and he’ll admit to asking girls out, liking them, and then avoiding them.

Why? Why on earth would you do that? Maybe he’s in an infamous “weird place” along with The Lady’s fellows. I just keep replaying our last week “together” in my head and our little break simply doesn't make sense. 

It’s been over a month since our falling out, and while I feel like I’m getting over it, there’s a piece of me that can’t let go. And in the midst of all of this I’ve been seeing someone else and instead of alleviating the pain it seems to have made me feel worse. 

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I really need for it to be Christmas already. 

-The Bluestocking

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They're Baaaaaack

11/29/2014 The Blue Stocking 1 Comments

I hope you have all had a wonderful Thanksgiving devoid of questions like "where's your special someone," and "are you being too picky?" We all deserve at least one day off from those shenanigans. 


My Thanksgiving weekend has been odd indeed for it seems to have stirred up my ex’s with thoughts of “Blue’s not the worst option, maybe we should give it another go.” Perhaps the thoughts were brought on by their relatives ever questioning why they can't find a spouse. All I really know, is that desperation is in the air and they’re making their way down the list of girls they dated that are still single. And, as we all know, I am most definitely still single. The count of ex's that have reached out to me in the past two weeks is up to four and I dread what December will bring. Here’s the breakdown.

The RM: For those of you who have been with us for a while, perhaps you’ll remember the RM. The guy I met freshman year who thought it wise to spout his love for me to anyone and everyone who would listen. The same guy who asked me out the day he got off his mission and thought stalking was the equivalent of wooing. The RM and I have grown distant in our later years mostly due to the fact he got married. Earlier this month I got a text from him reminiscing over my letters I wrote him on his mission. Let it be known they were of the platonic variety. It seems the RM was going through a divorce and wanted to take me on a walk down memory lane.

I found it prevalent to stop texting him back.

Smitie: Ah yes Smittie. He was back. I really shouldn’t have been shocked. Just because he ignores me for months does not mean a date isn’t on the horizon. I blame myself mostly. I had avoided being upfront about my desire to never be alone with him again. This time when he asked me out I let him know I would like to remain just friends.

He never responded.  

Calvin: Ever since we dated last winter Calvin and I have remained close friends. A friendship I have valued and strived to maintain. Last week I was at dinner with several of my close guy friends when one of them, Trevor, asked if I had a boyfriend. When I said no Trevor proposed that we just get married. We teasingly planned our wedding of convenience. The next day Calvin asked if my pretend fiancé had taken me off the market. What I believed was simple bantering, turned out to be a date in the making and he has continued to ask me out since. Two other guys who were around for that dinner have since asked me out as well. I guess you truly can’t have guy friends.


James: I had given up on ever hearing from James again. After all he had spent the summer treating me like I was the shmutziest of all shmutzes. Which explains why I was taken aback to find a message on my phone asking me if we could end the awkwardness between us. A ceasefire if you will. Under the white flag, we’ve seemed to have picked up where we left off in March. We text every day and he calls me at night. To add to the fun that is the James situation, he actually dated my close friend in July. It did not end well.

The RM and Smitie has basically been taken care of, but I don’t know what to do about the Calvin/James situation. I feel terrible about things with Calvin. Have I been leading him on? Should I have kept my distance? But more than that what can I do now, surely this doesn’t mean it’s necessary to have “the talk” does it?? When it comes to James I’m at a loss. I don’t know. James persistently wants to know about me which is incredibly addicting. And he’s got that whole mysterious handsome stranger vibe to him.

What I really need is someone to take over and make all of my dating decisions for me. 

-The Bluestocking


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All the right guys in all the weird places.

11/22/2014 The Lady 5 Comments

I first set eyes on The Mountain Man the first Sunday of the semester. Two words: ginger beard. Sign me up. 




Stats
Name: The Mountain Man
Height: 6'2"
Hair Color: sandy brown
Beard Color: a perfect rusty red
Eye Color: the sea after a storm
Age: 29
Education: PhD in Geology
Enjoys: Climbing Rocks, Jurassic Park, Just Dance



Needless to say, I was smitten. 

I began to get to know The Mountain Man at various activities (spelunking in caves, Just Dance parties, bonfires, all that jazz) and we just hit it off. But we hit it off as good pals, which suited me just fine. It never hurts to have a good guy friend, suffice it to say a devilishly attractive one. 

So tonight, The Mountain Man and I went out on a "friend date" to watch The Hunger Games, which of course was a great time (as great a time as death and destruction can be of course). On our walk home, we had a bit of heart-to-heart about our dating lives. He teased me mercilessly for "snogging" The Younger Man, and I in return made light of his perpetually single state. Which took a quick and unexpected turn for the serious. 

The Mountain Man admitted to being in a "weird place." A speech which I am becoming all too familiar with. It is not my place to divulge what sort of weird place The Mountain Man is in, but the weird place claim frustrates me beyond belief. The Mountain Man is in a weird place, The Counselor is in a weird place, Clive once admitted to being in a weird place, and The Younger Man is the definition of a weird place. What is happening to all the men? If all the available and good men are in weird places, what are us girls supposed to do? Do we wait for them to move on from the weird place, or is the weird place permanent? 

Perhaps I am all too selfish, but I do not find the weird place to be very fair. 

Con Amor, 
The Lady

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C'est la vie.

11/16/2014 The Lady 0 Comments

Perhaps sometimes it is just fine to be surprised. Sometimes it just might be nice that you actually like the guy you randomly made out with. And sometimes, just maybe it is okay that he is a little younger than you.  

The morning after the Halloween Hiccup, The Younger Man began texting and calling me regularly. We talk about books and film and poetry and musicals, and I am only slightly ashamed to admit that it is kind of great.

To be honest, I was hoping to remain detached and aloof with regards to this situation because in general I find myself becoming enthralled with men all too quickly. But as fate would have it, the love bug has crawled right back up and bit me, and I'm back. "Can't help it, the girl can't help it." 

C'est la vie. For now that is all I can say. 

The Lady



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Blue's Fall Adventures: September

11/12/2014 The Blue Stocking 1 Comments

September started with a bang. Hucy was over. Yes the romance of the century ended after only a month of lovin. Lucy Steele removed all traces of Henry’s existence on her FB wall and replaced him with a dramatic breakup post. Her wall then became a stream of inspiration quotes running all day every day. 

I really tried to not take pleasure from it. I really did.

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To be honest, I spent the majority of August and September exploring different countries and visiting friends so the drama of the spring seemed distant. AND just in case you think me rather awful for treating Lucy so, I'm happy to report she has moved on and is currently in a serious relationship once more. Girl knows how to get things done. 

Ok back to me, other than the Hucy breakup September was defined by Grant. This was the month I decided I would not date Grant…and then I decided kissing his face would be oh so pleasant…and then I decided we should just be friends…and then I decided we would make a fantastic couple.   

September was also when I realized how fickle I could be.  

Finally, I jumped in. I accepted his invites and he found more reasons to see me. One of my favorite reasons involved my nightly dinner. Grant would ask what I was eating and then he would come by to try it.  This was normal enough except for the fact chocolate makes up 86% of my diet and he detests chocolate. The poor boy would come over to consume the thing he hates and I would watch knowing the pain it caused. 

And we were committed to this ridiculous ruse.

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I don’t know if you caught this from that story, but neither of us had overtly expressed interested. There were no declarations of like; instead, we made nightly trips around the corner to curl up to The Office and talk into the late A.M.

I didn’t sleep for a month and I regretted nothing.

My main concern was even though I spent most of my nights talking with Grant we never went on a second date and any plans made were of the last minute variety. Which was rather confusing especially when situations like this would arise:

Grant was showing me something on his phone when a notification for Meetinghouse (a Mormon dating site) came up. He asked me if I had ever tried it and when I said no he responded, “you gotta get on it girl.”

In his defense, he could have just panicked, buuuuut guys who like you shouldn’t recommend dating sites to you, right? I mean, I’m not an expert, but it seems pretty basic to not pawn your crushes off to strangers.

-The Bluestocking

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Blue’s Fall Adventures: August Part II

11/09/2014 The Blue Stocking 2 Comments

With the changing of leaves came the changing of men.

Sam: The first of the month Sam was packing to leave for law school and we had yet to talk about how this affected us. A week before school started we grabbed sketchy burritos and drove around town comparing our book collections. It seemed this would be another night of pleasantries devoid of reality.

After hours of debating the importance of fairy tales, we arrived at my house. I could feel us talking around the issue of his departure, but I dreaded pulling it up and I believe he did as well. Finally, it had gotten late and I, being the sort who needs as much sleep as possible, said farewell and opened my door to leave. His reply was, “Blue, I’m leaving.” I laughed at his dramatic exclamation, sat back in the car, and replied, “Sam, I know.” He explained that his leaving had made it hard to devote himself to us and while our summer had been fun, he didn’t see it going any further.  

It was truly a relief to hear that we were both feeling the same thing. Sam was a great guy, but he wasn’t the guy for me and I wasn’t the girl for him. What followed the easiest DTR in Bluestocking history was a hilarious exchange of dating stories. We laughed and teased and when he left I felt at peace.

Henry: The last time I saw Henry was right in the middle of his love affair with Lucy Steele. I had the great pleasure of walking late into Sunday school late only to realize Henry was teaching. The class silently turned to watch me stumble through the door.  In true Blue fashion I turned to the erect Henry and said “well are you going to teach or just stand there.” He laughed we continued to share pleasantries and I took a seat.

We made eye contact throughout the lesson and after he joined me for a catch up session. Now Henry and I are friends… and Lucy and I are keeping a friendly distance.

Grant: After our date in July there had been no tangible difference in our relationship, but something had shifted. I notice him more. I guess that’s a good thing? I couldn’t help but wish I had feelings about the situation, but ever since Henry I felt numb. Not hurt or broken, just icy and exhausted.

The thing is I should like Grant. Grant is one of the most genuine guys I’ve met. He’s the type of guy who owns his own house and decorates it with classy paintings of the temple. He’s the type of guy who watches How to Train Your Dragon and audible gasps “if anything happens to that dragon, so help me.” He’s the type of guy who composes a guitar solo so elegant and on point it makes you consider being a twity fan-girl. He’s the type of guy who asks and listens and the more I know about him the more I kick myself for not seeing him sooner.


Even knowing all of this I could feel myself holding back. Grant spent the month inviting me to his house and asking about my Friday night plans and I avoided it. All of it. 

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I truly don't know what's wrong with me

-The Bluestocking

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The opposite of love.

11/07/2014 The Lady 2 Comments

Just for a moment, let us put The Younger Man on the back burner and focus on The Counselor. 

Our world often makes me feel that I should apologize about the fact that I actually do want to get married, and that I should apologize for having strong feelings towards men. "I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not in my nature" ( Northanger Abbey). I feel strongly about people and have very rarely felt the unnerving twinge of indifference. I either like a person or I do not. And if I like a person, I generally like them greatly. This applies as much to my daily life as it does to my love life. Some see this as one of my greatest faults, and to be certain it has brought me some grief in my day, but I much prefer my strong feelings to those of a simple indifference. 

But in the case with The Counselor, I allowed my own strong feelings to blind me towards his obvious indifference. Read the signs, Lady. Read the signs. 

 I imagined that after this summer of EFY, The Counselor and I would return to school and have a whirlwind fall romance. And maybe, just maybe, we would fall in love, graduate our respective grad programs next spring, get married, and be the powerhouse couple I always imagined. This wouldn't be the first time that my active imagination led me astray. 

All I really wanted was for The Counselor to buck up, be a man, and court me as I thought I deserved. Or at least to tell me to beat it if it really was not something he wanted. When that failed to happen as I had imagined, I was given piece of advice after piece of advice from numerous friends, family members, fellow EFY counselors, and even a beloved former BYU professor who exhorted me to be bold. I can be flirtatious, but such boldness scares me to death. It is blunt and unflinching where my flirtatious nature is flighty and anything but honest. 

Nevertheless, I knew The Counselor would not give me the satisfaction of an answer unless I was direct (at least not anytime in the near future). Following one of our regular hours-long conversations, I got up the nerve to tell The Counselor how I really felt. Of course he wasn't oblivious to the fact that I had been deeply interested in him for the past eight months, but all he could say was "I don't know." For an hour. All I got was "I don't know." He hemmed and hawed and told me he wasn't good enough for me, and that he wouldn't make me happy, but that he couldn't fathom not having me in his life. The bottom line was "I don't know," but I would rather have a certain "no."

Because I feel so deeply about people, I cannot easily let them go. But I am determined to move on from this. I cannot bide indifference, and I should have recognized that sooner. The Counselor and I may be able to talk for hours on end about any subject, we may have a lot in common, I may find his stupid sweater vests adorable, but if he can't feel about me strongly, I cannot force that or pretend that that is okay. I want more than indifference. So much more. 

Con Amor, 
The Lady


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Blue's Fall Adventures: August

11/04/2014 The Blue Stocking 4 Comments

I’m back with stories to tell. It’s taken me a while to put the past months dating adventures to print, but get ready to vicariously live through my painful and awkward fall.

When we left off I was going on dates with Sam and he was gearing up for law school. Henry and Lucy Steele decided to make their love known through the infamous FB official made-for-each-other relationship post after only a month of dating. Some may say that’s jumping the gun...and they would be correct.

I finally had to stop following Lucy’s FB posts which consist mainly of love poems.

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Back to Sam and me: things with us were great and by that I mean I wasn’t a sleep deprived skeleton. A rarity when it comes to guys and me. And by rarity I mean it’s a bad sign because if I’m pigging out on food and sleeping 9 hours a night it usually means I don’t like the guy. It’s not an ideal barometer, but it’s all I have.

While I was trying to figure out my next move with Sam, things got a lot more interesting. Grant asked me out. Grant the guy I had been buddy buddy with all summer who was also buddy buddy with Sam.

In all the months spent with Grant, I never thought about dating him. At all. This has little to do with him and more about me being oblivious. Our date was a short jaunt to a local restaurant. We ate, we laughed, and then we went home. I can’t stress enough how brevity on a first date can fuel the desire for future encounters. An especially fun part of the night was when Grant asked if I knew Sam. Apparently, they were in a band together and he’s bummed Sam hits the road in a week.

Smile and nod people, smile and nod. 
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Does anyone else feel like I randomly met members of the same group of guy friends and dated all of them for the past couple months? At some point they’re going to get together and realize they all wooed the same girl summer 2014. Hopefully, I won’t be in the room when they do.

Also Grant’s in law school. I swear I don’t try to date only lawyers. I can’t decide if they’re my type or if I’m theirs? Does anyone else only find themselves dating in the same professional pool of guys?

-The Bluestocking


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Halloween Hiccup

11/01/2014 The Lady 1 Comments

Once upon a time, a not-so-young but still so naive Lady found herself in a predicament on a chilly Halloween night. She had contented herself to dance as she pleased at a party with a large group of friends, and went home quite satisfied. Now clad in a baggy university sweatshirt, leggings, and long socks, she removed the thick, garish makeup from her eyes and curled up on the couch with a mug of apple cider. With only the hopes of watching Hocus Pocus to successfully end the night, she never could have anticipated the sly advances of The Younger Man. As the man was four years her younger, The Lady thought nothing of it when he planted himself closely next to her on the couch rather than sitting on the opposite end. 

 Hocus Pocus was still in the throes of the rising action when all other occupants of the living room fell fast asleep, leaving The Lady and The Younger Man alone in consciousness. The Younger Man did not wait long to put his arm around The Lady, and being much too tired to care and hardly prudish (or wise), The Lady was content to rest her head upon his shoulder. The Younger Man took advantage of the low lights to kiss The Lady who for some reason did not mind.  

 And that's how The Lady became entangled (metaphorically speaking of course) with her roommate's younger brother. 

 What has become of reform?

 Con Amor, 
The Lady

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Christlike relationships and a law of chastity lesson

10/27/2014 The Charmer 8 Comments

I have two questions for you.

A) What do you do to bring the Spirit into your life?
B) What do you do in your dating relationships to keep the Spirit?

Now, analyze your answers for me....are they the same? Or do they look more like the answers to 2 completely different questions?

I feel like most of us would answer the first question along the lines of, pray, read the scriptures, fast, go to the temple, etc. Our answers to the second question might be more varied, but it seems like the first things many of us think of are go on group dates, avoid being alone late at night, set boundaries, etc.

 So my next question is....why aren't our answers to those questions the same?
Granted, there are important things to consider in regards to relationships, such as setting boundaries. I'm not trying to discount the importance of those. But why aren't we more eager to incorporate things like praying together, reading the scriptures together, and fasting as a couple into our relationships?
Maybe some of you are better than I was in college and you do try to do these things with your significant other. Unfortunately for me, my two long relationships at BYU had a significant lack of shared religious activity. Why? I have no idea! Sure, occasionally we'd go to church together, but for some reason I can only remember reading scriptures once with the Ex and not at all with Mr. Director. I think we'd pray before eating dinner sometimes. We went and did baptisms at the temple once. Despite the fact that I was very active in practicing my faith, there was a big separation between my religious life and my dating life. And to be honest, I really don't know why that separation was there. I mean, heck, I attended BYU! It's a religious university! I loved my classes that taught me how to incorporate my beliefs and values into the practice of psychology. So why didn't I incorporate those beliefs more into my personal relationships!?

The whole reason I've even been thinking about this is because Ammon asked me to help him plan a lesson for his gospel principles class about the law of chastity. He really didn't want it to be awkward and he also didn't want it to be a long list of "don't do this, don't do that." Mostly, he wanted the class to be able to understand that the best way to keep the law of chastity is to focus on establishing a Christlike relationship from the beginning, especially by doing the small things that will bring the Spirit and help you understand your significant other on a spiritual level. It made me think, why haven't I ever thought of dating this way? I've had so many church lessons on dating and chastity but I feel like I never had a lesson where I came out of it wanting to study the scriptures or pray with my boyfriend. It wasn't until after my mission that these were things I tried to implement.

Now, having experienced both types of relationships, I must say that I definitely prefer the one with lots  of spiritual interaction. During our week together and these days that's basically all Ammon and I do--read the scriptures, have gospel discussions, etc. It's amazing to compare how much stronger our relationship is after 2 months to how my relationships with past boyfriends were at 2 months. This one has so much more substance. To be honest, I don't think I could tell you Ammon's favorite color or his favorite movie...well, let's see....nope, I can't. But he's shared with me some of the cool spiritual experiences he's had while reading the scriptures. I know what things are most important to him and what things he prays about every day. I know what type of a person he is trying to become. It makes me wonder why I ever tried to do dating without all of these things.

What are your thoughts? Good idea, bad idea? Are these totally unrealistic expectations? Have you tried it both ways and seen a difference?

the charmer

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Confessions of a Spinster

10/18/2014 The Lady 5 Comments

Dear Readers, 
This semester of grad school has it out for me. Believe me, I would not abandon you for any less worthy cause than my own education and career. I expect next semester to be less busy (hopefully), but even so who can say whether my dating life will be fruitful or barren. 

With that mindless conjecturing behind us, I wanted to share a little something I wrote for a creative writing class recently. It revolves around that rather brutish date I went on with Ben several weeks ago, but provides many details I brushed past in my haste to vent. I hope it provides some entertainment until I can return in order to update you regarding a certain Counselor who is constant in only his inconsistency. 
__________________________________

I believe I may have become a spinster as early as age twenty. The ages between sixteen and nineteen had been years of relative plenty with regards to my dating life, but once I reached age twenty, it was as if I had prematurely lost my bloom and I face my years of famine, which have the potential to be perpetual. 

Ben tightened his arm around my waist as I more than reluctantly put my arm around his shoulders to keep myself from flying off the golf cart as we hurtled (breakneck speeds of 10 or 15 miles per hour) around the bends in the path that encircled the golf course. Ben's boss had deemed it a worthy endeavor to weigh down the golf cart with as many of his employees as he could in order to take a small excursion to the fishing pond on the outskirts of the golf course. As luck would have it, I was the one left without a seat and thus was forced to take up residence on the lap of my date who I was already more than fed up with by this point in the afternoon. “Now hold on tight,” Ben's boss winked at me which prompted Ben to clutch me closer and myself to pray that I would in fact fall off the cart. 

I hurled myself from the golf cart before it came to a complete stop beside a man-made pond of questionable purity. The others of our group quickly commandeered the fishing poles which left Ben and I to either watch their unsuccessful fishing endeavors (please, no) or to amuse ourselves on the playground nearby (childish but acceptable). I stationed myself on a swing while Ben asked me to watch his exceedingly poor attempts at parkour. Ben took a running start at a vertical climbing wall and immediately bounced off it lacking sufficient upper body strength to heave himself over the structure. I rolled my eyes dramatically as he jumped from bars to slides in a sloppy, solitary game of the-ground-is-lava.

Out of breath from his games and failing to elicit admiration from myself, Ben suggested that he teach me how to fish as most of the others had abandoned their poles by the pond’s edge. I consented to the proposal not because I had any desire to experience such a display of male egoism, but rather because I would have paid him to cease his sad parkour routine. Ben grabbed at a hot pink fishing pole, baited it with some sticky neon substance unrecognizable to me as anything I would have considered to be bait for fish (then again I know absolutely nothing about fishing), and led me to a more secluded side of the small pond. He then proceeded to explain how to cast the line into the water, and then demonstrated. And by demonstrated I mean that he pulled his arm back and swung the pole towards the water and not a thing happened. The line didn’t budge. I suppressed a malevolent giggle as he repeated the process, again to no avail. Ben cursed the pole and its girlish color which was surely the cause of the problem, then pulled out a pocket knife and explained to me exactly how he was going to fix the line. To his surprise and consternation, his pocket knife tactics had been futile. By this point I had stationed myself on a rock reveling in the spectacle. Ben grumbled and went to retrieve a new fishing pole. Having returned with a pole of a more manly hue, he talked me through the same process of how to cast. This time the line did do its proper job, but it was the fisherman who was lacking as the line never reached the water, but rather become hopelessly entangled in a nearby tree. He finally gave up on extricating the mess of line from the tree’s clutches and once again his handy pocket knife made an appearance. What he did not give up however, was the fishing lesson. Once more he sauntered off for the third fishing pole. I can now give Ben credit for getting the line into the water. Third time is indeed a charm.

By the time he had gotten around to fishing pole number three, the horde had clambered back onto the golf cart, leaving Ben and I alone at the pond. Which was worse? Staying to watch the fishing or reliving the disagreeable moments on the golf cart? I would have chosen the golf cart if it meant that Ben would be taking me home. But now that Ben had his line in the water, he decided that it was the opportune time for some riveting small talk.

“I’m excited for the semester to begin,” he said over his shoulder at me as I was still occupying my space on the rock.

“Yeah, why is that?” I replied as I tore at a stem of grass.

“All the new freshman girls are coming.” I paused mid-tear at my prized grass stem and gave his back my most disgusted look.

“You don’t think you’re a bit too old for freshman girls?”

“Naw, freshman girls are pretty easy to get.” The urge to shove him headlong into the pond was staggering. But he had the keys to the car and if I ever wanted to return home, such physical violence might not have been the best option.

“And that’s the problem with all the men here,” I said with a curt laugh, “they’re only into the young, hot eighteen-year-olds. Anyone above the age of twenty-two doesn’t stand a chance because no man wants a mature, educated woman.” Not that I was in anyway hurt that I was not the object of his desire. I think I might have thrown myself into the pond if that was the case.

“Oh, no, we men like older women like you because you have a career and can be our sugar-mamas and put us through the rest of our schooling.”
  
The date could not have possibly ended too soon. Ben dropped me off at my apartment without making a move to let me out of the car or to actually take me to my door. He just announced that he would text me if he got bored while I slammed the car door in his face.

Men are often boys in sheep’s clothing, and when a girl becomes a woman of a certain age, she is no longer content with such false pretenses. Mary Shelley once penned, “Oh! Be men, or be more than men.” I have never been a greater fan of this statement until recently. “Condemning” myself to spinsterhood is a delicate thing. It is not so much a necessity of situation as it is an utter disdain for the lack of real men in this world. It is not comprised so much of me having “lost my bloom” or my youthful excitement and naivete, but that I have become more worldly wise. My mother calls it cynical, but I call it realistic.

However, like I said, my spinsterhood is a delicate thing. I cannot entirely give up on the notion of marriage partly because of my duty as a young Mormon woman to rest all my hopes and dreams on an eternal family. Another part of me cringes at the thought of disappointing my mother and being pitied by my entire hometown.

I do not condemn marriage in the slightest. On the contrary, I view it as a wonderful and sacred institution. But as wonderful as the marriage ideal may be, I just wish to rest in peace with my spinsterhood.

As far as I can tell, marriage is not anywhere on my radar. I do not know the will of God and thus I cannot pray specifically to be relieved from spinsterhood. I have become a more comfortable spinster, content with solitude and the single life. I do not see any reason why I should be any less content than the wives and mothers who are my own age. I do not have a life to be pitied. Thus far, spinsterhood has afforded me remarkable tranquility, and I am relatively unmarred by the male sex. Their absence in my life is often a great relief because their presence often brings naught but dissatisfaction.

I am intent upon reveling in my spinsterhood until some man can prove to me that he is in fact a man worth sacrificing my spinsterhood to.

Con Amor, 
The Lady

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Long-Distance

10/09/2014 The Charmer 2 Comments

Two things:

A) Ammon and I are officially dating.
B) He is coming to visit me in December!

Yes, I have succumbed and become one of those people braving the whole long-distance relationship thing. It definitely wasn't ever something I thought I'd do. But here I am, with a boyfriend who lives 5,000 miles away from me.

To be honest, having the title doesn't really change a lot. After all, he's there and I'm here. But during our Skype talks, we'd always ask each other kind of off-handedly, "So...are we dating? Or what?" Eventually, we realized we might as well make it official since we're doing the same thing we would be anyways.

So, last week during one of our daily Skype chats, he asked me if I'd be his girlfriend. I, of course, said yes.

Even though nothing really changes as far as what we do, I think it does change things in my mind. It makes me more committal. Plus, I suppose it's nice to have a boyfriend. And it's especially nice that it's Ammon. :)

Like I mentioned, he's coming to visit at the end of December and I couldn't be more excited. Now before you get your hopes up and look forward to a shiny engagement ring, keep in mind that he's leaving on a mission early next year. Complicated, right? I know. I don't think I've ever had such an oddly complicated relationship, which is a pity because this is the first boy I've dated that I'm pretty sure I'd marry in a heartbeat. Ah well, I'm beginning to realize that this sort of thing might be the reality of life for The Charmer. We all experience different trials in life. Some people live in a 3rd world country. Others have a speech impediment or an evil twin sister. Apparently my trial is that I am doomed to have consistently complicated relationships, always wondering if I will ever find love and be married.

But hey, I'll take it. In comparison, my challenges in life really aren't that bad. For now I'm happy to be dating a fabulous guy and I'm excited to see what happens.

toodles,
the charmer

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Incidents from the Life of the Charmer: Drama Boys Pt. 2

9/28/2014 The Charmer 4 Comments

When I last left you, Jackson had told me he'd made me a gift: a CD of EFY songs. However, Jackson ended up having something come up and did not show up to the singles ward the following morning. I wondered where he was for approximately 5 seconds and then promptly forgot about it, since the rest of my day was spent with Ammon at a work picnic he'd invited me to. After a fabulous afternoon with him, we spent the evening talking and laughing and eventually got kicked out by the second park ranger within a week. Before saying goodbye, we had our first kiss, and then I was on my way home to finish packing before catching an early flight the next morning.

It was approximately five minutes after leaving Ammon when Jackson called and asked, "Hey, did you want to stop by and get that CD I made you?" Sighing as I thought about the long night that lay ahead, I replied, "Sure, I'll be there in half an hour." After all, despite the fact that I was no longer interested in him, we were pretty good friends by this point. I figured saying goodbye before leaving to China was only fair.

I showed up and found that he had, in fact, made me 3 CDs and had also written me a note. I cringed a little bit when I realized there was a note involved, but upon inspection I discovered it was nothing to worry about. It was a really sincere note where he just told me that he thought I was awesome and that I deserved the best. He thanked me for my friendship and for setting a new dating standard for him.

I hadn't planned on staying long, but apparently he had different plans. He wanted to talk about BYU, since he'd be starting there in a couple of weeks. I told him how much he was going to love Provo and all of the amazing girls there. He kept asking questions about my summer of EFY, and eventually the questions moved away from talking about my EFY kids to my EFY dating life. He wanted to know how many guys I'd kissed during the summer or how many guys I'd had a "thing" with. I kept telling him, none. He didn't seem to believe that nothing had happened with anyone. Then, he told me about Claire and how he'd turned her down when she tried to kiss him because he still had feelings for me (oh dear). Finally, he asked again, "So...you really haven't kissed anyone since you kissed me?"

Crap.

Oh Jackson, if only you had asked me an hour ago. I didn't feel bad at all about kissing Ammon, but come on, this was NOT a subject I felt like bringing up with a boy who was clearly still interested in me. What's a girl to do...lie about the situation to protect his feelings? Or tell him the truth?

Well, I picked the latter. I couldn't lie to Jackson. We'd always had a super honest relationship.
So, without giving him too many details (like "Well, actually I just kissed someone 45 minutes ago...."), I told him that I had, in fact, kissed someone within the last week.
Needless to say, he was a little shocked. And a little hurt. He demanded to know who this guy was and although I told him it wasn't important, he kept insisting and so finally, I told him. He kept saying he couldn't believe I'd kissed someone I'd only known for a week (although, if he would have thought back to our short history together, he would have realized we hadn't known each other much longer than that...) 
Obviously things were a little awkward after that, so after telling him how awesome I thought he was and how grateful I was to have met him, I left. I thought that was the end of it.

Now here's where the drama kicks in.

As I'm tiredly shoving the last of my wardrobe into space bags and vowing as I do every time I pack to NOT PROCRASTINATE NEXT TIME, I get a text from Jackson. He tells me to disregard everything he wrote in the note because I "wasn't who he thought I was." He told me that the Charmer he knew wouldn't have run off, rebounded, and kissed the first guy she saw.

Whoa whoa whoa, hold up. Excuse me?

 I of course asked him what he was talking about. He sent back a text telling me that he knew exactly what had happened. In his mind, this is how the situation went down:

"So I think the reason you didn't pursue anyone this summer is because you were actually still interested in me. Then when you got home and you saw me with Claire, you got jealous and went looking for a rebound. You met Ammon, kissed him, and then wanted to let me know so that I'd be the one who was jealous. I mean, after all, the only time I've ever kissed anyone after only a week was a rebound."

 I'm pretty sure I just sat there starting at the text for a few minutes, trying to process if I was reading the words correctly. Had he really just sent that to me? I couldn't believe it. First off, I defended my pride and told him no, that wasn't exactly how things had gone down. I told him that no matter what he believed had happened, the only reason I'd even told him about Ammon was because I cared enough about him (Jackson) to be honest with him. He continued sending me accusatory texts, telling me that he was so embarrassed he'd turned down "poor Claire" because of me. By this point, it was around 1 AM, I was running on very little sleep from staying up until 3 AM every other night with Ammon, I was stressed because I was catching a flight in 5 hours...and I was kind of fed up with this drama. I have to confess that things may have gotten a bit heated. I basically told him to have a nice life and to have fun in Provo where I was sure he'd meet plenty of amazing new girls and forget about me in no time.

Well, a few days after being in China, I felt kind of bad about how things had ended between us. So, I sent him a message on Facebook thanking him for the EFY CDs and telling him that I hoped he was having fun in Provo. In response, I got this:

"No problem! Glad you're liking them. I almost didn't give them to you because of that stupid letter that I hope you disregarded! You were right about me forgetting about everything as soon as I got here though. Only because you made it really easy for me. Having a guy ask to kiss you on the first date is never a good sign. Weird you couldn't see that. 
Oh, and I've been having a ton of with Claire!"

 Ouch! 
Well, if we weren't over before, we definitely were now.
[Oh, and just for the record, Jackson....Ammon didn't ask me on the first date. You, however, tried to hold my hand on our second date, in case you forgot...]

Anyway, I realized in that moment just how done I was with immature boys. If I want drama, I'll run over to Hulu and watch the latest episode of The Bachelorette, but I don't need ANY of that nonsense creeping into my relationships.

[To his credit, the next day Jackson DID send me an apology where he recognized that his message had been kind of harsh and explained that he just felt "really hurt and stupid that night." He told me he still thinks I'm awesome and that he hopes everything is going well in China. I was grateful for the apology and for the fact that I guess we're on "friend" terms again, but still...come on, man!]

 I know all of us tend to get fed up with dramatic girls, but how many of you are done with dramatic boys? Have you ever had a significant other that caused unnecessary drama like this in your relationship?

Kisses,
the charmer

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Incidents from the Life of the Charmer: Drama Boys Pt. 1

9/23/2014 The Charmer 0 Comments

Usually when we think about drama in relationships, we automatically think of the WOMEN as being the perpetrators.
Is this fair?
In all honesty, I think we probably do tend to be the more dramatic ones, but the stories that appear on this blog are proof that there are quite a few dramatic men out there as well. (Or should I say boys, not men...?)

Before leaving for China, I had my own fair share of dramatic interactions with one of these fellows. I mentioned him briefly when I mentioned that I'd had a short-lived relationship with a fellow RRM (that's recently returned missionary) about 2 months after coming home from my mission. In all honesty, I'm not even sure that it lasted long enough to call it a relationship. It literally unfolded about 2 weeks before I left for EFY and had already died (or so I thought) even before I hopped on that plane to head to Provo.

The ironic thing is that when I wrote about this relationship previously on the blog, I said that it "just...ended. Nothing too dramatic or exciting. I just left, and that was that."

Clearly, I had spoken too soon.

Sure, Jackson was a nice enough guy, but like I mentioned, everything just happened way too fast. The kid basically confessed his love for me after a week and a half. And even though we had great conversation and some fun dates during our 2-week stretch , he was a little immature (which is to be expected, as he was only 21 and hadn't even set foot in a college classroom yet). During our brief stint together, I did kiss him, but I have to confess I actually ended up feeling a little bit unsure about it afterwards. In fact, I think it was after the first kiss that I started taking a few BIG steps backward, realizing this was all happening too quickly.

Anyway, over the summer he would occasionally text me but we honestly didn't talk much. When I came home for 2 weeks after EFY before heading off to China, I hadn't really expected to spend much (or any) time with him. However, it seemed like the second I got off the plane he was already texting me and asking if we could get together sometime soon. After a few excuses on my part, he finally got me to agree to go with him and the missionaries to a lesson on Thursday. The investigator ended up bailing, the missionaries left, and suddenly I found myself on a date with him. We got some lunch, it was fine, whatever. He asked if I'd play the piano at a baptism that Saturday. I said yes.

The day in between Thursday and Saturday was very significant; it was the day that Ammon entered my life. As much as I'm hesitant to ever use the term "love at first sight," I think it's fair to say that at that point, Jackson or any other potential suitors were completely out of the running. So the next day at the baptism, when I saw Jackson getting cozy with another ward member named Claire, I didn't care. In fact, I was a bit relieved, since it meant he'd leave me alone.

Not so.

The next evening Jackson sent me a text and told me that he'd love some "Charmer time" that night. I told him no, I was skyping with my best friend and it might be a while (we were talking about Ammon, hellloooo). Jackson was relentless. He told me he didn't care if it was a late night, he just really wanted to spend time with me before I left for China. At this moment in time, I was of course asking my bestie for advice on how to let this kid down softly. I finally decided on the somewhat spineless approach of avoiding outright rejection and instead told him, "Ya know, I was kind of under the impression that you were interested in Claire now." He then proceeded to ask me WHERE I'd gotten that idea from and told me that Claire had just been a good friend for years. Then after not hearing back from me (come on, man, I'm skyping the BFF here), he admitted that although Claire was really into him, he wasn't sure how he felt about her because "he was still interested in the last girl he kissed." (I had to ask for clarification to find out if he was talking about me or someone else....me. He meant me.)

My answer was still no. I wasn't going to hang out with him that night. A bit dejected, he told me that he hoped he'd get to see me again since he was going to be gone camping for most of the week. I told him that I probably wouldn't see him until church on Sunday, since my week was going to be pretty busy (and I was planning on spending any spare time I DID have with Ammon).

Jackson sent me random camping pictures all week long...him on a mountain, him growing a beard, him by a river...and then when he finally got home on Thursday, texted and asked if I wanted to go out with him sometime that weekend. I told him I was pretty busy, but then he got a bit pouty and asked me, "Why do you keep blowing me off?" Feeling kind of bad, I apologized that I didn't have a lot of time this week as I was trying to get everything taken care of before leaving the country in 3 days. He told me he had made me a CD of EFY songs that he wanted to give me on Sunday. I told him that I would look forward to it. That seemed to appease him and the incessant texts stopped.

TO BE CONTINUED...

 [I know leaving you hanging at this point isn't much of well, leaving you hanging, as Jackson hasn't seemed particularly dramatic yet. But I promise you'll see that he's got a little flair for the dramatic in part 2...]

xoxo,
the charmer

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Absolutely intolerable.

9/19/2014 The Lady 2 Comments

My father always tells me that men are clueless, and I never was ready to believe that until recently. Until I met the most clueless man in the world. 

First of all, I do know that Ben was asking me out as a friend. I am very aware of that fact, so I am not confused about his intentions in the least. However, gentlemen, when you take a girl out, even just as a friend, you treat her as a lady. You come to the door to get her, you do not text her from your car. You open doors for her, do not make her follow after you like a puppy. You introduce her to your coworkers if you're at a work party and you involve her in conversations, don't just ignore her while you speak to others or sit on your phone. And when you do talk to her, don't talk to her about other girls. And when you drop her off, don't tell her that you'll text her if you get bored as she lets herself out of your car. 

Ladies and gentleman, I was so infuriated when I got home that I was sweating. Profusely. 

When he was talking to me, Ben was only concerned about telling me about what sort of girls he liked. Beautiful, young ones with a hint of personality. But he wouldn't mind dating an older one like me (I am 24 thank you very much) because of my education and career I could afford to pay for him to continue to go to school. Excuse me?


Heaven help me, 
The Lady

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Built to end.

9/13/2014 The Lady 2 Comments

Sometimes it is okay to admit that not all things are meant to last forever. The Southern Gentleman and I knew that such was the case. An ending was inevitable. I do not do long distance. Alabama (the place The Southern Gentleman actually lives) is much too far away. 

Following several weeks of dates (between EFY sessions), The Southern Gentleman and I planned a "goodbye date," which now that I think about it in retrospect is a terrible idea. But let's be honest, I have never won an award for my good decision-making skills. The Southern Gentleman knew that the goodbye date was a terrible idea, and thus failed to show up. That's right, I got stood up. It was the first time that ever happened to me, and I do not recommend it to anyone. It's not the best of times. 

Awful scenarios of fiery car accidents and muggings and bombings and amnesia and general emergency room trips were all I could think of. A couple days later, The Southern Gentleman texted (yes, texted) his apology claiming that having to say goodbye would be too difficult. "That's fair," I thought, "but why wouldn't he just tell me that?" A question I posed to him, to which he replied, "I'm not very good at that sort of thing." 

Who, pray tell, is good at that sort of thing? Does that mean that we should all avoid saying what needs to be said in order to circumvent discomfort? When did this sort of behavior become acceptable?

We parted as unlikely friends without ever actually saying goodbye.

The question now: Do I believe in closure? I think I have been chasing after closure for years, but perhaps I have been chasing after something that does not in fact exist. At least not in the way we think of it. We want closure in the way that we get the perfect words of consolation from another person. We want some explanation wrapped up prettily and handed to us with a winning smile. But even if we get that, it's not closure. Some doors are left slightly ajar. Some doors are slammed in our face. And we continually glance back at them always begging the question, "Why?" 

A quote from one of my favorite novels:  

“This word closure . . . it is a stupid word, ja? Bach did not believe in closure. Handel did not. Beethoven did not. Only Americans believe in closure because Americans are like little children--easily swindled.”

So maybe I don't believe in closure, because not all endings are closings.

Con Amor, 
The Lady

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