A Touch of Encouragement

7/11/2011 The Lady 1 Comments

First of all, we are always beyond flattered to receive emails from our dear readers. This beauty recently found its way into our inbox:

Okay so I was wondering... how do you girls do it!? How do you get so many men (enough to entertain an entire following of blog-readers) into your love lives. I realize that this question could be mainly directed at the Charmer, but she's not the only one who seems to have better luck than most of us.
My problem right now is a lack of men. I'm back in Provo for the summer while most of my friends, girl and guy friends, are at home for the season. Now usually I at least have a gaggle of unsuitable suitors, but now, nothing! It seems that without my normal social circle to work with, I cannot meet guys and maintain an acceptable- okay, I'd be willing to take unacceptable at this point- social or dating life. How can I locate and attract these men?!


P.S. Please don't tell me to go to ward activities, I have that covered.

Dear Belle,
I hope that anything I say today will help you at all. If anything, perhaps it will give you some form of consolation. I cannot pretend that I am Seventeen magazine and have all the answers and advice about dating. {I feel like Seventeen's advice is a lot of you know what anyway}.

The other day, The Romantic, The Eccentric One, The Blue Stocking and I were discussing this very topic. {Or something at least quite similar}. We laughed at how this blog makes us seem. Like we are modern Mormon dating machines. When perhaps that may not be the case. Well, for The Charmer, that definitely is the case. Men are simply crawling out of the woodwork to spend a few precious hours with her. But for the rest of us, I would venture to say that more often than not, our Friday nights are relatively dateless. A sad truth? Yes. But a truth nonetheless.

In my last post, I referred to my two-year hiatus from men.

The truth is, no one asked me out. For two years.

I am beyond grateful from this break from men now, but at the time, it was hard. I was used to having several unsuitable suitors and even some very suitable suitors. But for the past two years, there has been no one. I kept analyzing myself, trying to find what was wrong with me. Was I too ugly? Was I too nerdy? Was I too fat? Was I not stylish enough? Was I not spiritual enough? Etcetera. Etcetera. Etcetera.

No, I wasn't too ugly. I had a face and a body that was comparably in order. Perhaps I am too nerdy, but people don't usually discover that until they've talked to me for more than an hour. I wasn't too fat. I wouldn't capsize a standard rowboat. I may not be the most stylish person I know, but I don't wear Jane Austen style dresses or lederhosen in public. And who do they think they are if they are judging my spirituality without actually knowing me? The dating thing just wasn't happening for me then.

For a while, I have been feeling just as you are feeling. Like I'm the only fish in this giant pond without another fish to swim around with. Or at least several attractive male fish to just go on dates with.

This is my advice to you {keep in mind that I don't know your situation personally}:
It is great that you are going to all the ward activities. That is generally a good thing to do. I understand all too well how difficult it is to get out of your comfort zone when all of your usual friends are gone, but do it anyways. Talk to anyone and everyone, both guys and girls. Men are usually attracted to a girl's social competence and confidence. Be a little flirty {not over the top though}. Touch a few elbows. Put yourself out there. Make plans for activities and invite people {especially boys you're interested in} to join you.

However, there is no set method or formula to any of this. I have found that the times when I have "entranced" the most boys is when I'm being genuine. When they can see that I'm putting my actual self out into the ring and that I am happy with the self I present. Whatever it is that you decide to do, it has to be genuine. There are no artificial Jane Austen heroines.

So dear Belle {and other readers}, please know that I, The Coquette, am in the same boat as you and this is my advice to you.

Con Amor,
The Coquette

Advice from The Blue Stocking:

Yes, while The Charmer is certainly the woman to ask (I would personally love to know exactly how she does it) I will give you a bit of advice from my experience.

Finding guys is random. You could meet him in a class, through a mutual friend, at church, at work, anywhere really; just don’t expect the same place to work every time. The only thing that’s a sure constant is mutual friends. After all you like your friend, they like this guy, which leads you to believe he’s not a psychopath….it’s a start.

You mentioned that you are out on your usual friends and that can make meeting new people hard. So try and be as friendly as possible, find a new circle of friends, mingle and mix it up. Just don’t go out looking for a guy, look for friends and just maybe you can find someone you like.

I know this answer is hardly helpful, but if I knew how to solve your problem I would be married myself. Dating’s hard, finding a guy is hard, I say go with the flow and try and meet as many new people as possible. And as always have fun.

The Blue Stocking

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Belle said...

Thank you guys, I appreciate your honest words of wisdom. Your experiences and advice are legitimately helpful, much more than you give yourselves credit for. As always I'm looking forward to hearing more updates about your lives and hopefully I can make mine worth telling about too!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!