Once a schmutz, always a schmutz.

11/17/2011 The Anti-Austen 9 Comments

Dear Anti-Austins,
I know you probably get a million of these, probably all full of imperative, need-to-know-now information. But I could use your help.
I've seen this situation build and build over years, and it's kind of starting to explode in my face. So now I'm left drifting in this state of confusion, wondering what I should do.
So here's the story: ( warning, it's long and potentially confusing.)
I've liked this guy for almost 2 years. But it's been an incredibly insane roller coaster of emotion. One week we'd be crazy for each other, the next he wouldn't even talk to me. As in completely ignore me. Like I was a disease. It got to the point where I was getting my feelings hurt so often, I thought my only choice was to cut him off cold turkey. I told him that "I think we need to break off." after almost a Year of "dating" AKA on and off again Twitterpation. and then. He didn't talk to me for 4 months.
In any other situation that would've been just fine with me, but unfortunately, me and him are on the same swim team. AKA- I see him for six hours every day.
Awkward? Yes.
Then, after ignoring each other for almost 5 months, our team went to Oregon for a traveling meet. The first 2 days he ragged on me constantly. But it wasn't just playful teasing. It was poignant, cunning, and just plain rude. It got so bad that other team members were starting to ask me questions regularly. Does he insult me in an attempt to flirt? Fail. Then, on the last day we were in Oregon, we all went and saw a movie. Somehow, call it karma, I ended up sitting next to him. AND THEN, out of the clear blue sky, this kid, let's call him The Maniac, reaches for my hand. I didn't know what to do. Don't get me wrong, I really like The Maniac. I mean, I've put up with him for nearly 2 years. But after a while I can't handle the.. Er.. Instability. So, long story short, I let him hold my hand. Partly because I didn't think it was a big deal, and partly because I think i wanted him to. I tried to ignore the fact that this would probably cause drama.
Oh and it did.
Apparently this incident made The Maniac think we were destined to be together. On the plane ride home I had the nerve to ask him about it, and he said "I just can't be happy without you." this should've made me happy, right? Considering I've liked him for 2 years? But I was still... On the edge. Something wasn't right.
Ever since then I've been trying to decide whether or not I want to be in a relationship with this kid, while he thinks we are. I haven't had the nerve to tell him that I didn't know what I wanted.. Because, From the beginning it's always been hot and cold, up and down. But now he wants to be with me and that's what I had wanted all along. Why did it feel so off?
Then I got the phone call.
About 3 weeks ago at 1 in the morning, The Maniac called me. In this conversation he decided to finally disclose some information that shocked me. Basically he had lied to me about his religion ( which I thought was Mormon because that's what he TOLD me he was) for the entire time I've known him. Not so, Anti-Austins. NOT SO.
I raged.
Not only did he blatantly lie to my face, he still had the nerve to ask me to be with him forever. Where did this come from.
After telling him that's not at all realistic, he hung up on me. I stayed up, mulling over the feelings that I know I still have for him, but are pointless now.
And then, ready?
There's The Missionary. Of course. Typical, right? Hes fantastic, and I'm rather crazy about him. He's funny, cute, and stable. He's exactly what I want.
BUT. He's leaving.
So, Anti-Austins, here's my dilemma.
How do I get the feelings I have for The Maniac to go away, when the one person who gets him off my mind is leaving the country for 2 years? Do I write the missionary? And still keep up the relationship while he's gone? Or find other ways to distract my incredibly inconvenient feelings and let The Missionary do his job? Do I talk to the Maniac? Or would that only lead him on and cause him to start flirt-insulting me again?
Aahhh. Help!
Sincerely, Anxiously Debating.

Dear Anxiously Debating,
Be anxious no more, because I have the answers for you my friend.

First of all, this boy/man is a schmutz. (Not to be confused with the word "schmuck" which is in fact a very dirty word).

What is a schmutz?

The word is a term coined by a dear friend of mine, who if ever found this blog would know of my identity in an instant just by the use of this word, and my anonymity would be ruined. But I give you permission to use it although I did not create the word myself, and am taking a huge risk by using it on the blog, so please use discretion when incorporating this practical word into your everyday speech.

Although this word seems like a good word to use for all sorts of occasions, it is in fact not to be used willy-nilly and has specific meanings.

For example:
1. Hey, you've got a little schmutz on your shirt. (Referring to a piece of lint or a dollop of ketchup or any other food...schmutz).
2. Eww, I look schmutzy. (Referring to any state of haggard dress or appearance).
3. That girl is a schmutz. (Referring to any sort of sleazy/floozy-type of woman).
4. He is a schmutz. (Referring to any man that may be classified as a tool, a player, a perpetual liar, or any other sort of quality one does not find agreeable).

And we, the Anti-Austens, firmly and deeply believe: Thou shalt not date schmutzes, nor let your friends date any manner of schmutz.

The Maniac, is simply, a schmutz. He has used you, he has hurt you, and he has lied to you about something incredibly important. Although he may have redeeming qualities, as most people do, it is not worth your time, nor the trouble to try and date and/or reform a schmutz.

So let him be. Once again (as is always the case) this is ever so much easier to say than it is to actually do.

The ever so wise Blue Stocking once upon a time said: When trying to get over a boy, you have three options. 1. Begin dating someone new. 2. Let time heal your wounds. 3. I cannot for the life of me remember what this was...but I doubt it was very important...Maybe?

So carry on my friend. Feelings for a certain person don't just automatically fade, it is a process that will always take time. You owe this Maniac nothing, so don't put yourself in a situation where he may begin flirt-insulting you again. Schmutzes will be schmutzes, and women have no use for such things.

As for The Missionary, don't worry about it. He is a missionary. Write to him to uplift him and encourage him, but by all means do not send him any sort of love letter. Missionaries are nothing to worry about until they get home, mainly because of the fact that nothing can be done regarding them until they get home. I have discovered that only through being interested in several missionaries.

So you my friend have a lot less to worry about than you thought you did. Please don't think that I am discrediting your troubles, it is just that in most cases, the best advice we can give to ourselves when we worry about such things is to just "chill". Simple as that.

Con Amor,
The Coquette

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Anonymous said...

Actually, your friend didn't coin the term "schmutz". Yiddish did (or German, take your pick)! Behold: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/schmutz

Although, said friend may have been the one to popularize the use of it in referring to human beings, of which use I thoroughly approve.

And as always, great advice. This...Maniac...even without the whole lying-about-a-major-issue thing, has been absurdly inconsistent for two years. TWO YEARS! That is a long time. And if he acts like that before adding the stress of a relationship, there is no reason to think he will magically become a stable, normal human being afterward. Good riddance, I say!

If there is one thing I've learned from shooting that can be applied to dating, it's this: Avoid tools of small caliber.

The Blue Stocking said...

Fantastic advice! The third way to get over a guy is....

3. Realizing how schmutzy your ex-boyfriend was and find comfort in the fact that you are better without him.

And those are the cures to heartache

Best of luck and you really are better without him.

-The Blue Stocking

Heidi said...

I agree with everything that has been said so far, and I just want to emphasize that I think you shouldn't talk to him anymore. He's obviously very manipulative and if you still talk to him and you aren't careful, he could back you into a corner you don't want to be in. I'm not trying to insult your intelligence (I would never), I'm just saying that manipulative people just have a talent for doing that sort of thing. Bottom line is you don't want him to use you anymore, so don't put yourself in a position where he can.
p.s. guys like that can be scary

Anonymous said...

I agree, Heidi. Better safe than sorry!

Anonymous said...

This doesn't have to do with a specific post, but I have to say thanks. My friend had a link to your blog on her blog, and I've never been a blog reader BUT I sort of read every post like you read a good novel for the first time over Christmas. In spare moments and thinking about it often. So, congrats! You're my first blog, and I quote you in my head...however weird that sounds, it is true. Thanks for your candid and human tone and content. I appreciate it all! (especially the hiatus, the sweet boys, and the time it takes to stew a good relationship)
Much love.


Kyle said...

I agree but with the slight caveat that repentance is real, people can change, etc.

But with that being said, people rarely change fast enough to make it worth waiting around for them and this boy seems like he's moving no where fast.

Alden Waite said...

The Maniac doesn't deserve you. He doesn't love you, for if he did he would put your best interests above his own. He wouldn't hide behind lies in order to avoid confrontation and he would treat you like royalty and a friend. He is selfish and manipulative, and basically I've said nothing new.

Coquette, your advice about how to write missionaries is spot on! I'm glad that you mentioned it.

Heidi said...

Well said Kyle and very true about repentance. I think sometimes people (including me) tend to get a little too caught up in our disapproval of other people's actions and forget the principle of repentance. I know I personally could probably work on being more compassionate.
I have to say though, guys like that seem to strike a chord of fear in me (because you usually can't trust them and never know what they might do), which is why I would automatically think to respond the way I said above. Better to be cautious if you ask me.