The Situation

5/08/2012 The Charmer 13 Comments

Sorry about my brief hiatus! I don't really have a good excuse, except that my life got a tad bit busier than I had expected.

Well, if anyone's been curious about what's going on in my life.....

You might recall that Mr. Dir broke up with me during finals week. Unlike my breakup with The Ex, however, Mr. Dir and I decided to still "be friends." I know, I know, it's the most cliche line ever. But the thought of never speaking to him, never texting him about random happenings, or never hanging out with him again was a sad one. After all, we really were best friends..and losing your best friend is a very sad situation.

Anyways, this determination to remain friends meant that we were emailing each other the very next day. I'm pretty sure he even came in to visit me at work. I know it's not quite kosher, but it's what happened. He sent me the song "Maybe" by Ingrid Michaelson in one of his emails with a note saying,
Kind of a weird music video, but it's really how I'm feeling today
(besides feeling really sad, terrible, not hungry, and lost).

If you're not familiar with the song, the chorus says
"The only way to really know, is to really let it go...
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back to me" 

So I figured, Okay, we're going to play THAT game. The "Let's pretend one day we'll get back together again so that we can make it through this rough moment" game. And, since it does ease the pain momentarily, I decided to play along. Sure, maybe one day in the future we'll be together again. That's what I told myself, even if I knew the likelihood of it happening anytime soon was probably pretty low.

Well, apparently Mr. Dir has very fast turnaround time, as he came back two days later.

I know what you're thinking....that's unexpected/that's confusing/what was the point of breaking up? Yeah, I know. My life didn't make much sense that week. 

Anyways, he came to my convocation, had my family over for games at his house, and even went out to breakfast with me and my parents that Saturday. That week we both had some epiphanies as well as changed perspectives on our relationship, priorities, and life in general, and on Friday night he revealed that he still wanted to get married in August.


As exciting/surprising as that announcement was, I still wasn't sure. After all, I'm not-so-secretly terrified of marriage. I know it sounds stupid, but I honestly am TERR.I.FIED. And to be honest, I feel like Mr. Dir is all talk. I mean, he's never actually said, "Okay, you know what? Let's actually do this. Let's get married." All this "Ooh, if we get married we'll do THIS" talk always feels like a giant game to me.

And so that is (one of the reasons) why...
...I am submitting my mission papers! (Really!)
Luckily, my bishop did not stand me up the second time. As of right now they're ready to go except for that annoying part where you have to go to the dentist and the doctor.

I've wanted to serve a mission my whole life. I have a whole list of reasons why I want to serve/why a mission will be good for me, but I won't bore you with that. 

However, because I've been dreaming about this since I was five years old, I'm sure I've built it up into my head into a much more exciting thing than it really is. Now that it's really here...I'm actually putting in my papers...I've realized that I probably need to come to terms with the fact that this whole process might not exactly match up with my expectations.

I've made you some visuals to illustrate.

So, I guess we'll see what happens. Will Mr. Director actually try to stop The Charmer? Will The Charmer get sent to a small tropical island in the middle of nowhere and have the adventure of a lifetime? Or will she, in fact, get called to South Dakota? Or will she be called to Temple Square like EVERYONE keeps joking about? (Okay, guys, you can stop, that joke's gotten a little bit old now...although I really wouldn't mind Temple Square)

The Charmer

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I tried the whole lets be friends thing for the past month. Listen to this song, I think you will like it.

(We can't be friends by Joanna Smith)

The Charmer said...

Oh Alyssa, I LOVE it! Thanks!

The Charmer

Heidi said...

I actually know a girl who is on her mission now in South Dakota.

Sarah said...

Why exactly are you so terrified of marriage? Can you make a list of the fears you have?

Anonymous said...

Whelp I guess its time to ditch the Dir and set him free so you can live your dreams...if your dreams don't include the Dir. Hope your happy ending works out!

Kailee said...

That's exciting about your mission! Though very confusing about Mr. Dir. It's dumb that he keeps doing this whole breakup and get back together thing, and yes, you might not be able to trust him about the marriage...but what if you can? You are obviously scared of marriage and yes, you have wanted to serve a mission. Just don't be do quick to leave and get away from him...I have a smart friend who once shared this quote with me: "It is a risk to love. What if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does?" :)

Anonymous said...

I agree with Kailee. There is something to be said of the fact that you have always always always wanted to serve a mission. Missions are wonderful. Missions are important and fabulous growing and stretching experiences. And no, they might not live up to your expectations of going to a foreign land or converting everybody you meet on the street, but it will by far surpass your expectations in spiritual growth if you let it. That being said, regardless of what you have wanted your whole life, Heavenly Father may have different plans for you. What you feel like you should do and what you have wanted to do your whole life may be different. then again they may be the same. in this case, your best bet is to always follow the wise counsel of the Holy Ghost. He will NEVER let down. This really isn't a choice of good or bad. heck. missions are important. marriage is wonderful. it's more of a choice of good, better, best. (for more inspiration, read Elder Oaks' talk from October 2007)

I apologize for my long rant. hopefully you haven't heard it all before!

Anonymous said...

If you do end up serving a mission, it may be very different from your expectations, but it will exceed them and meet expectations you never knew you had. It's a hard, sometimes heart-wrenching, sometimes mind-numbing, sometimes (mostly) hilarious, often baffling, incredibly rewarding, and very important experience. It is so (SO) worth every sacrifice, every painful moment, every penny.

Trisha said...

I just deferred my mission and am soon to be engaged to my boyfriend. yeah, it's not what i expected. never did i think that i would be marrying him. i was conflicted for a while because i knew how good a mission could be but i also knew how good we were together. i asked a friend about it. my friend said to be where my heart is. If your heart is in the mission, then staying with the director is just wasting time because you'd rather be serving a mission. but if your heart is with the director, going on a mission is wasting time and energy because you're just going to leave and go back to the director. for me, i knew where my heart was. listen to your heart. both are good choices.

marriage is scary, that's why you have heavenly father and your best friend to support you in facing your fear. whatever you choose, don't let it be out of fear. know where you stand and move forward.

Anonymous said...

Run for your life! It would be a terrible mistake to marry someone who is so unsure. It would be a mistake to marry when you are unsure. When its the right guy, you will be SURE and he will be sure and there is no way you will be considering taking a break or having time apart and you sure wouldn't consider a mission. This is a waste of both of your time and feelings.

And second, if you are looking for a cultural experience, try a study abroad. That is NOT what missions are for. If you go for the right reasons you will always be glad you went and never regret it.

Heidi said...

Do you want to get married? I'm not asking in regards to Mr. Director, but in general, is this something you really want in your life? It's totally understandable to be afraid of something like that, but if you really want it, you shouldn't let fear keep you from having that in your life. I know that in my life if I always let fear stop me from doing things, there would be a ton of things I would never do and a lot of wonderful opportunities and experiences I would miss out on. Just like what has been said before me, the key is to rely on the guidance of the Holy Ghost and to put your trust in God. If you do that, then you will know what you should do. And then even if you are afraid of something, if you really want it and feel like it is right for your life, you will be able to do it and everything will be alright, even if it isn't perfect. That goes for the idea of a mission as well as marriage, or anything else in life.

Anonymous said...

well I'm gonna play devil's advocate and say just go ahead with the mission. I'm biased though for many many reasons. Not the least of which being that I served a mission/I am getting tired of getting up my hopes to see my friends serve only to have their future husband walk through the door the moment they've made up their minds. bleh. =P

flutefairy said...

Just want to say that a mission is extra, extra super duper hard ... although marriage is too, I suppose. I just wanted to let you know that I thought I was going to do just fine at a mission, but it definitely exceeded my expectations on how hard it was. Really hard, heart wrenching, like one of the earlier girls said. I wish I could convey that somehow...