The Epidemic of Neutrality
Neutrality: a disease that infiltrates the mind and takes away one’s ability to feel positive or negative towards any subject. It is most commonly found in those seeking spouses and has the habit of confusing and befuddling both parties of any relationship.
Neutrality is my greatest foe, and even after facing it for years, I have yet to find its weakness while it has successfully found all of mine.
So why talk about this fiend? Well, it has yet again infected one of my relationships and I for one am livid.
Bingley and I were going great. He was perfect for me. If I had to make a list of every quality I would love in a guy, he had them and so much more. And yet, neutrality has struck and left me spinning and reeling in frustration.
This week has been spent with a sentence rolling in a on a loop through my mind, “do I like him?” and it is most always followed by, “what is wrong with me?”
This week’s activities were spent with the two of us exchanging texts and it built up to a climatic hang out on Saturday. But the resolution found me wondering if I even wanted to go out with him again, if I even cared.
A few weeks back I wrote about the symptoms of like and how I am not a jittery anorexic insomniac like I usually am when I like someone. Instead, I have a cloud of calm numbness hanging over me. I thought this was a great sign; after all, I didn't want the crazy up and down madness I experienced with my last boyfriend, right?
It didn’t help the situation that I ran into said ex-boyfriend last Friday in the WILK and we decided to catch up over lunch. It brought back so much. Yes, I know we weren’t right for each other, but I would do anything to have the feelings I felt with him with someone else.
Talking to him reminded me of how alive I used to feel; how being with him made life into some grand exciting adventure. I remember feeling like I could fall safely into him; be anyone, and he would see me.
I don’t want him back, I just want what we felt back.
What scares me the most is I have spent my whole life building this list of things I want in a guy and the moment I find that guy, I feel nothing.
Maybe I’ve been looking for the wrong guy this whole time? Now what?
C'est la vie
-The Blue Stocking
5 comments:
Darling Blue Stocking,
Things strangely don't always work out the way you think they will. I had a boy once who really liked me and who was the embodiment of my list of qualities I was looking for (right down to the blue eyes). Surprisingly, I couldn't bring myself to like him the same way he liked me. They guys I have liked have sometimes not fit my "list" very well at all, but were great people, and they had that spark that I was looking for.
I guess the morals of the story are that you can't force yourself to like someone, that sometimes what you want isn't what you thought you wanted, and, most importantly, that things WILL work out in the end (I firmly believe that, despite my chosen name). So go with what feels right; as cliche as it sounds, listen to your heart. I believe that you'll make a good decision in the end, and I wish you the best of luck.
Don't run away from Bingley right away! It could just be confusion on your part, or it could be you just don't like him. When I started dating my husband, I went through a period of a couple weeks where I went back and forth on my feelings about him. I was just nervous about getting into another relationship, but I rode it out for a little longer. Now we've been happily married for over a year! Not saying that is exactly what is going to happen to you. Every person is different. I just wouldn't give up on the whole thing right away.
Dear Blue Stocking,
I felt as if you were recording a page from my diary when I read this post. This is exactly how I felt a few weeks ago. I was dating this guy who, for all intents and purposes, was perfect for me. He was everything I had every wanted or desired in a man. We got along great, but too often I found myself asking "am I happy?" or "why AREN'T I happier?" After weeks of knowing this guy wasn't right, but ignoring it with high hopes of my feelings changing or improving, I finally came to my senses. I did what was right for me and broke things off. Recently I finally got together with a guy I had been wanting to date for a while, and I cannot tell you the black and white difference. HOLD OUT BLUE STOCKING. Hold out for the man who makes your heart leap! Who makes you feel alive and just so lucky to be able to be exactly where you are! Hold out for him, because he is worth it. The feeling is worth it. You don't want to feel just calm and neutral the rest of your life. I say, look for the relationship that gives you the highest highs! Sometimes those come with more hardships or trials or low lows... but they are so worth it, and they make you feel alive.
Bingley may be perfect, but perhaps he's perfect for someone else- another Jane. Hold out for a Mr. Darcy ;)
Best of luck!
I have gotten to a point, where my list has shrunk drastically. All those things that I thought were absolutely essential have slowly fallen away, and I am okay with that. My advice to everyone is to make sure you are not ruling someone out over something small. If they have the essentials, and those things that mean the most to you for a future, and especially a future family, and they are someone who you think you can grow with, that's so important! However, I am not disregarding the attraction needed in a relationship. Just make sure you aren't being so harsh that you are missing out on the great person/things you could have! Ultimately of course, follow what you believe is right.
Love is work. You are on a sorry slope if you are thinking love is something that happens TO you. If you want that feeling back, you create that feeling by serving, helping, and thinking positively about the other person.
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