The Plights of a Recently Returned Sister Missionary
I suppose this is where I sheepishly make a formal apology to every awkward RM that I've ever made fun of.Not that I'm letting some of you off the hook. There are just no excuses for the painfully awkward encounters I've had with some RMs.
But I'm just saying, I get it now.
Without further ado, some trials of a recently returned missionary:
1) the awkward YSA from the last ward that you served in who keeps messaging you on facebook. Ok Brother Lee, you're 35. And although you're fluent in English, I just can't flirt with you. You're too... American. It freaks me out.
2) forgetting how to flirt over facebook... I just plain forgot. Sorry kid, I know you had a slight crush on me before my mission. But it seems I can only be witty while wearing a black name tag.
3) The meat market singles ward I now attend. Most people are over 25. Marriage is now a matter of life and eternal salvation. And I just don't have the chops to keep up.
4) My new ward's resident Mr. Collins. I know there's a date coming soon. And I'm horrified.
Here's a tidbit of a conversation I had with him last Monday:
Mr. C: So who's your favorite sculptor? (uh, did I tell you I was an art history major...? awkward)
Me: Rodin
Mr. C: I've never heard of him...
Me: Have you heard of The Kiss?
Mr. C: OH him! I hate him... Nudity is just gross.
(insert incredibly awkward pause here)
Mr. C: So who's your favorite artist?
Me: uhhhh. (why are you still talking to me?)
I just spent the last six months of my life learning how to make small talk with people in a non-awkward way, but now I just can't do it anymore.
5) the sinking "i will never get married" fear has returned. facebook and pinterest will be the death of me. but i guess on the bright side, if i do find that special guy, the wedding is pretty much already planned. what with all the free time I have on my hands now. (You're getting my sarcasm right?)
There is one incredibly cute boy in my single's ward that I've always had a crush on. I've always thought he was really stand offish and no interested in me in the slightest. But he did help me make my pinewood derby car during FHE Monday night. However, I still can't flirt to save my life.
But maybe that's a good thing.
xoxo
-the Romantic
ps. MRI on Saturday to see if I need more surgery. Pray for me?
4 comments:
Dear Romantic:
I LOVE YOU!
Sincerely, Too Bad I'm not a guy haha
tell him your favorite artist is egon schiele. no date will transpire.
The part of this post with Mr. Collins is awkwardly delightful, and Rachel just made it even better. Thanks much!
Romantic, if you get tired of the meat market ward, every elders quorum I've ever been in would love to invite those with your maturity level to our wards, which generally eliminate the meat market as much as BYU allows. (Having the entire Relief Society be at least 2 years younger than almost all of the elders quorum has that effect.)
In the meantime, rest assured that the flirting does come back. Proof: I've been home less than 3 years, and most of those I served with (both genders) are now married, most of them in the first 1.5 years.
If you'd like an alternative to casually picking up girls and trying to figure out the right thing to do...
If you would prefer to have women chase YOU, instead of spending your nights prowling around in filthy bars and night clubs...
Then I urge you to play this short video to unveil a shocking little secret that might get you your personal harem of attractive women just 24 hours from now:
FACEBOOK SEDUCTION SYSTEM!!!
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