I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.

10/13/2011 The Lady 8 Comments

Dear ladies of the Anti-Austen blog,

I have no idea how I found your blog this summer, but one way or another, fate brought me to it. It was love at first post. I read it and was hooked. Then (in a completely non-creepy way...slash maybe borderline creepy) I proceeded to read through older posts because I just couldn't get enough. I checked it every day for a while, silently hoping that there would be a new post from the Romantic or the Charmer or the Blue Stocking. Or maybe two or three.

I found myself wondering how on earth all of the writers could have so many guy problems. I had just completed a year at BYU and there was no such issue. Then, this year began. I started reading your blog and finding that I could relate to many of the situations. They weren't really similar to my own but they were hopelessly tangled and confusing. It's been a month and a half since school started and I am in a pickle, of sorts. I wanted to hear the advice of the lovely ladies of the Austen blog, because, honestly, I really admire you all. If you can't offer any, that's okay. But you seem to have the dating thing down pat.

I sent off a missionary this summer and it was hard, but less devastating than I expected. Not two days after he left, my friend called me up and insisted that I make no plans on the following night because she wanted to set me up on a blind date with a friend of hers. She said she knew I had just broken up with my boyfriend, but this friend of hers was amazing. One of the best guys she knew. I was (I thought) in absolutely no position whatsoever to be going out with anyone. It was not going to be fair for this poor guy. She was adamant so I caved. My friend gave me his number, heaped lauds upon him, and told me to keep her posted.

He called me and set up a date for the following night. He was very polite and sweet and asked me if I would mind if

he bought me dinner. I (truthfully) wasn't looking forward to it. He arrived at my house at seven that night. I opened the door and he was cute. He walked me out to his car and opened the door for me (brownie points!) and we drove off to get crepes. We talked the whole car ride there. No awkwardness. The conversation flowed easily and there was an appropriate amount of give and take. We had dinner, went to a local park, sat, and talked for a while. Then he took me to get ice cream, where we talked some more until the parlor kicked us out. Then we drove back to my house and talked in my driveway for another hour. Perfect, right? Wrong. He was leaving the next day...for the entire summer. He was going back home to Utah for an internship. Figures.

I talked to him on the phone a couple times during the summer and we texted fairly frequently. I learned a lot about him and we really clicked. We shared many of the same opinions, the same sense of humor... you get the picture. I just couldn't wait for him to get back. We talked one night and figured out that our stays in my hometown would overlap by a mere six days. That's it. I was a little bit crestfallen because I had started to get to know this guy-- let's call him the Thinker because he's a deep thinker-- and I was (dare I say it?) starting to like him. Maybe more than I realized.

He called me when he was driving back. We set up a date for the second day he was in town. He picked me up and it was so natural. We went to get Thai food (my favorite, more brownie points) and then to our local aquarium. When we were looking at the exhibits, he started to get...friendly. Like, he would put his arm around me and touch my
waist...and it didn't bother me, but I am usually cautious when it comes to relationships. I am not a flirt and I am very guarded.

After the aquarium, neither of us wanted the date to end, so we went back to his apartment. We watched a movie and we cuddled. Pretty hard-core. I started to gain some confidence and I realized how much I liked him. The movie ended and we were sitting there talking and something came over me. He was laughing or telling a joke or something and I leaned in, and kissed him. He kissed me back. Then we kissed again and confessed how much we both liked each other.

The next five days were so wonderful. We spend a lot of time together. I packed to get ready to come out for school. Every day, it was more perfect and more heartbreaking. Being around him was so easy. I felt like I had known him for years. He met my family and they liked him way better than my ex-boyfriend. He was sweet, charming, thoughtful, and kind. He brought me a pink rose the second time he saw me and told me that I was beautiful. My friend who introduced us was incredibly excited. She said he was one of the best guys she knew: trustworthy, genuine, smart, sensitive. I saw that, too.

I left at the end of the perfect week and I was a little bit devastated. Somehow, he was already my good friend and I really hadn't known him for too long. I continued to talk to him on the phone and we texted, facebooked, etc.

He came to Utah a month after classes began to visit his grandparents. I met him for the weekend and we had less
than two days together. But once again, it was.. you guessed it. Perfect. His family was wonderful. The weekend was so happy. And even more awful when I had to say good-bye. We had a DTR and decided not to date because long distance was really hard. And he had done it before and it didn't end well. So we left it at "I hope things work out in the future; I guess we'll have to wait and see." He's graduating from law school this spring and he doesn't know where he'll get a job so I have no idea what to think and I'm trying not to put too much stock in it.

I returned to Utah and as luck would have it, I met two guys in my classes the next week.The first we will call The Runner because he likes to run. The second we will call Shy Guy.

The Runner is in my science class and I sat down next to him one day because there weren't any other seats left. He was friendly and we started to talk to each other. He's pretty attractive and after a couple of class periods, he told me we should study together and he asked for my number. We finally met up last night to study and ended up talking for most of the time until the building kicked us out at 11. I was ready to go home, but he took us to get frosties first. And he paid for mine. Shoot. Does that make it a date? Then we sat in the parking lot and talked for an hour and a half. And he wasn't what I expected. He was fascinating and deep. I can't make up my mind if I like him or not.

Shy Guy is in my history class and he's been trying to talk to me for the last couple of weeks. I've caught him staring at me (not in a creepy way) and after class, he walks slowly whenever I'm behind him, so that I would catch up and chat. The third time he did the slow walking thing, I tried to pass him because I didn't know what we would talk about and I felt awkward, but right as I passed him, he struck up a conversation and surprisingly, it wasn't awkward. He was funny and charming and smart. Just yesterday, we had a full-fledged conversation that we actually began before leaving the classroom and he's intriguing! I don't know why, but I want to talk to him more. Maybe it's because he's mysterious.

I don't know if either Shy Guy or The Runner is really, truly interested and on the other hand, I don't know if I'm ready for anything. Part of me wants to be but the other part just wants to run and hide.

Help?

Sincerely,
The Realist

Dear Miss Realist,
We at the Anti-Austen love flattery of all forms. Even the creepy kind. I think each of us would marry a man who stalked our every step and made life-size mannequins of us, just as long as he had the face and singing voice of Gerard Butler. Luckily, you loving our blog is nowhere near as creepy as all that. It's just plain and simple flattery. (Unless you do stalk our every step and make mannequins that look like us).

I think that men have a very strange habit of coming into our lives when we least expect it. And to have three come almost at once is enough to catch any wary woman off-guard. Not to mention the problem that all three are not only suitable, but genuine.

It is a curious situation to be in, one I feel that I am in almost this moment. You and I both have a missionary out, one long-distance man, and two on the ropes. How in the world does this sort of thing happen? All the men I am interested in are each worthy sorts of fellows. Kind, funny, intelligent, good company. But all is at a stand still. No one is making
any effort to make any sort of move in any direction whatsoever.

And I hate to be the one to say this {because I hate it just as much as you}, but I think patience is our best friend at the moment. Let's smudge the missionaries out of the picture for a moment. Nothing can be done there to help that situation. Our long-distance men are the most tragic of situations. Men who were truly interested in us, and we were truly interested in them as well, but by sheer, dumb luck, distance--being no friend at all--muddles the whole thing. The only way there could be a future there is if we declare outright our intentions:

"Hey, you! Yes, you! I like you, and gosh darn it, you like me too! So let's give up this nonsense and see if this will go somewhere! Who cares about distance!?"

For some reason, in my mind, that doesn't exactly play out well. Because obviously, these men care very much about the distance.

As for the other two, I don't see that much can be done about it. Enjoy their attention, and perhaps with time one {or both} will make their intentions very clear.

I have a theory and it goes a little like this: If men are truly interested in you, they will pursue you.

Not that there isn't anything we can do to help move things along, but most of the time, men have pretty clear intentions. And so, I think that all that there is for us to do is...wait. Wait and see. Don't be idle and just wait, but really there isn't a lot for a girl to do in these types of situations.
I don't mean for this reply to nothing but hopeless idleness, but really until someone yells "Fire!", no bullets will fly.

And maybe this stand still will provide you with more clarity about what it is you truly do want.

I wish you my best.

Con Amor,
The Coquette



Eenie Meenie
Miney Mo

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8 comments:

Colonel Paisley said...

The gist that I got from this post, as a man, is that I will never be as attractive as Alan Rickman, Matthew Macfadyen, and um... Neil Patrick Harris.

Sarah said...

I totally and fullheartedly agree with your statement "If men are truly interested in you, they will pursue you." I'm so tired of analyzing why guys aren't asking me out and thinking maybe they like me, but they're too shy. In your own words "to hell with that." If a guy likes me he will find a way or he doesn't think I'm worth it. I'm done assuming and stressing over this.

Colonel Paisley said...

Jokes aside, that is the best message to take home from this: "If men are truly interested in you, they will pursue you."
But as a note, from a man, what a girl must do is give him opportunity to pursue you. Drop hints that you like him; be subtle; send signals. We men will pick them up eventually. But you need to be available for him to pursue.

Anonymous said...

Paisley,

Dang straight on everything you said. Only thing I disagree with is "be subtle". My personal opinion lies with "be somewhere between subtle and obvious". Men are generally not the best with subtle hints. It's a man-trait. Go figure.

Ladies,

Have you ever seen the videos of a lioness hunting a gazelle? The lioness doesn't charge into the middle of the pack. She picks off the lone gazelle while it's away from the herd.

So, swap some minor details (i.e. species and gender) and, if you have suspicions that a man likes you, pull away from the pack a bit and give him a chance to pursue. Help things on a little bit by giving the shy guy a favorable situation for an encounter.

Hope I've made sense. I have a party to get to, so this comment is kinda rushed.

-That guy who always posts anonymously but seriously needs a name.

Colonel Paisley said...

Featherstone,

I have now named you. Thank you, nearby book for supplying a name. I like it.

Yeah, "mix between subtle and obvious" is more of what I was going for. I can't really think of a word to describe that, so I went with subtle, though it's not as accurate. Oh well. Thanks for your input!

And I definitely agree with separating from the pack. I get frustrated when I want to talk to and sit with a girl at church, but she's surrounded by her roommates on all sides.

The Coquette said...

Agreed gentlemen. I whole-heartedly agree. I was talking to my dear mother--who loves to talk about dating--and she said my cousin who is 30 and still quite single, broke away from her "pack" one Sunday and got three dates. And there you have it. Simplicity, thy name is hunting.

-The Coquette

Thank you, Colonel Paisley, for naming me. I've added my own slight twist to it, and I hope it accurately reflects my personality.

I'm going to name that mix of subtle and obvious "subvious".

So ladies, be subvious. Pull away from the pack a little bit.

-Featherstone McGee

The Charmer said...

Subvious. I like it, Sir Featherstone McGee. (As you may have noticed, I granted you a title. You don't need to use it unless it really strikes your fancy.)

Anyways, dear Realist: I feel for you. I know just how stressful these situations can be, but what I've learned recently is this: Things always work themselves out. I love this quote that says, "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."

I won't say "Don't let it worry you!" because I know that's practically impossible. But I will say this: Don't let it worry you too much. I'm going to get a little bit spiritual on you here...hope that's okay. :)

You mentioned that you kind of just wanted to run or hide. I have always been a runner. I run away from my problems, and I especially run away from boys. The problem is that I don't like making decision because I am always terrified of making the wrong decision.

However, I learned over the past month or so that if you're doing all the things you're supposed to do and you're moving forward in what you think is the right direction, God's not going to let the "wrong" thing happen. If you make a decision and it's wrong, He'll put things in your path that keep it from working out (granted that you're being faithful and living well).

So don't be worried about making a decision. If it's not right, it won't work out.

Another thing I've learned recently is that it can be important to keep your options open. At this point, give all of these men a chance. Don't decide on any one of them quite yet. You never know who might come along and surprise you. :)

Kisses,
The Charmer