Hi, I'm The Coquette and I have commitment issues.

10/07/2011 The Lady 4 Comments

"All the world's a stage, and all of us merely players."

Or something to that effect.

The role of The Coquette was in a strange way thrust upon me. While I have been a part of this eccentric period of life known as the "young single adult" age I have been called many things. Hand-Whore. Slut. Boyfriend-stealer. Siren. Kissing Prostitute. Flirt. Home-wrecker. And many other little delicacies of that sort. And now I have bundled them all comfortably into one: The Coquette.

If you have yet to consult your online dictionaries and thesauri, a coquette is a flirt and one who may be prone to abandon or jilt.

After jilting Mr. Cowboy, I was automatically labeled as a whore. The identity was given me without my ability to deny its truth. I took this identity upon me without the realization that I had the choice to refute it. And so I remained just that. A heartbreaker and a home-wrecker. Now that I am older I wish that I had at least been offered the dignity of being called a coquette. It sounds so much classier when said aloud.

Mr. Cowboy, believe it or not, aided in forming this new identity. He offered me forgiveness yes, but not without a healthy dose of verbal abuse. And I thought I deserved that for all that I had done.

But you know what? To Hell with that. To Hell with it all.

I am a Coquette. Yes. I flirt. Will I be condemned for it? Not in the least. But I am no whore. No slut. I am not sleaze. Have my actions always been good and pure in intent? Absolutely not. But I am resting on the fact--and perhaps I may be wrong--that I am not the only deeply flawed person in this world.

I rejoice in my ability to be a changeable being. A being with a need for progression. A being with an eye for reform.

And yes, as a young college student, I had commitment issues. When a boy told me he loved me, I wanted to run away. I couldn't commit to that. I would tell them I loved them as well, because in my heart I truly did. But I could not promise that they were the "one" for me because the idea of committing to someone for eternity--which is a VERY long time--scared me.

Perhaps {a definite understatement} I did not handle this issue as I should have. Acting rationally would indeed have been much better, but sometimes in the midst of fear and uncertainty, we act irrationally. At least I know I do.

Now as the time for Mr. Cowboy to return quickly approaches {in a few quick spurts which we call months} I feel again that same fear. Fear that if asked, I could not commit, and I would hurt him all over again.

There is another fear lingering there. The fear of him committing to someone else. Another girl he holds in high regard. I am a selfish being. I would almost rather see him alone than with someone else. I know you, my dear reader-friends, are shaking your heads and are poised ready to tell me let it all go. To do the selfless thing and let him go, if that is the best thing.

But I am The Coquette and I have commitment issues.

One way or the other.

May The Foreigner keep her love for Rochester alive, even if it means creeping out more boys in the library.

May The Blue Stocking work those heels and find peace of mind in her model-esque form.

May The Charmer charm many more boys to keep us entertained but find one that she truly loves to kiss.

May something extraordinary happen to you this weekend and you fall in love with something. Whether it be another human being, the BYU football team {they could use some love}, a new song, or a new flavor of Ben and Jerry's.

Con Amor,
The Coquette

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Heidi said...

aww! I love that video/song! Thanks for posting that. It totally put a smile on my face, and I think I needed that.
My suggestion for you: Pray about what's bothering you and read the scriptures. It doesn't always fix the problems, but there is definitely comfort and confidence to be found in both prayer and scripture. I don't know if you're already doing this or want to, but I just thought I would suggest it. And don't forget to smile :)

Lou said...

I just love you....that is all :)
P.S. The cowboy would be fool to choose anyone, but you....but I think you can do better.

Manda said...

I DEF know what you mean by, "The fear of him committing to someone else. Another girl he holds in high regard. I am a selfish being. I would almost rather see him alone than with someone else"

I have recently discovered that this is how I feel about my best guy friend (who I once pretended to be engaged to... long story). I'm not sure if I ever would/could date him. But I'm certainly not okay with him dating someone else.

Yay for commitment issues!

Anonymous said...

We should be friends! This is the story of my life!