Dignity in Dating

10/23/2011 The Blue Stocking 6 Comments

So sorry to respond late to this email {I hope my advice still applies to the situation}. A little thing called midterms has taken over and I have been neglecting living life and this blog. I apologize. Anyhoo, this post is not about me, I don’t want it to deal with me at all. In fact, my dating life has become so confusing that I don’t even want to address it on the blog this week. Avoiding my problems? You betcha.

The following is a letter from Frankly Frustrated.

Dear Anti-Austens,

In order to fully understand the predicament I find myself in please read the following with the story of Emma in mind. You know Emma, the intelligent, witty, beautiful, and caring girl that literally find her KNIGHT(ly) in shining trousers and tie. Ah...it's a great story of friendship blooming into love is it not? Unfortunately, that is not where my thoughts are about to go.

My thoughts are focused on a different character in this story. Frank Churchill. The mysterious, intriguing, entertaining and elusive interest of Emma's. (before her KNIGHT(ly) of course) I think it safe to say that I have found him. He has removed himself from gentile society of Emma's world and parked his rear right across the street and is causing quite the stir in the lives of many.

Frank is a flirt. A huge flirt. A good flirt. Many girls are interested in him. Unfortunately I find myself mingling with this company and just when I am about to officially decide to leave his minions he does something to make me stay. There are too many of these instances to recount in detail so I'll try to be brief. We like bullet points do we not?
  • He runs after me to accompany me back to my car
  • He always insists he goes hiking with me next time I go
  • He makes an effort to get my attention at a crowded party
  • He smiles and turns my way many times during sacrament meeting (yes, I did listen to the wonderful talks as well. It took a lot of effort)
  • He winks at me in sacrament meeting (wait, what? a wink? yes. he did. I do not know what the heck that even means. Could you please expound on the occurrence of the countenance that is the wink?)
  • He provides great conversation (something that has been lacking in my last few dates)
I have found myself acting in a way that surprises me. In an effort to keep myself from losing all dignity and admitting to myself that I am indeed a Frank follower, I interact with him in a cynical, disdainful manner which I hate. That's not who I am. But if I stop being that way then I'm just another one of the girls. I don't want that. If I continue with the way I am then there's no chance of him ever seeing me as the fun person I really think I might be.

So what say ye? Should I just give him up to the rest of the girls? Allow them the satisfaction of having one less contestant for his affection? Or try harder to beat them out and lose this cynical facade I have built around myself?

I trust you to give your honest opinion, not sparing my feelings as my lovely friends do. I appreciate their encouragement and support, but I need someone to tell me if I'm being crazy and pathetic, or if I have some sort of hope.

Frankly Frustrated

Dear Frankly Frustrated,

You and I seem to indulge in a similar trait, it’s called pride. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have snubbed the popular boy because I didn't want to wade through the hordes of girls circling him. See, I am a firm believer of not competing for guys; instead, I wait for them to chase me. I also tend to resort to sarcasm as my main method of communication with said popular boys, and it really does stop them from ever seeing me. The real me.... needless to say both these methods don't lead me happily into a relationship.

Now, I don’t know the whole situation and obviously I have never seen the two of you together, but from the bullet points above it seems like he likes you or is showing some interest in you {side note: winking could very well be the most wonderful thing a guy could do to you without physically touching you. Winking is a big deal. It just is}.

So here’s what you do: decide now which is worth more to you; your dignity, or this guy.

If you just chose the guy, congrats, you’ve done something I’ve been trying to do for a long time. Now on to the hard part, you need to put yourself out there.

You say he has a lot of girls around him, then set yourself apart from them. Make him notice you and try to get some one on one time with him to see if you even connect.

Here’s an idea: If he told you to tell him the next time you go hiking, then plan a hiking trip and invite him. I’m not saying act desperate, just go up and say “Hey Franky boy {by all means choose another name if it suits your fancy} I’m going hiking Saturday morning if you wanna come." You can even text that to him or casually hint at it in your next conversation. It doesn't matter, just as long as you do something.

Now we need to analyze some of the possible outcomes in true girl fashion and compare cost and benefit.

First outcome- He says no and you don’t end up dating

Second outcome- You go hiking there is no spark and you don’t end up dating.

Third outcome- You go hiking. It's magical like unicorns and stuff. You start to date and voila, The Blue Stocking is a genius.

If the first two happen, I say so what. You put yourself out and you lived a moment with no regrets and maybe next time you apply your new-found confidence it could pay off. If the last one happens, congrats! You risked it all and won.

Last bit of advice: liking someone is hard, but what’s infinitely harder is missing out on someone because you let yourself get in your own way. Sometimes you just have to get very confident and go for it.

Disclosure: this in no way is a green light for stalking; don’t blame me if you get a restraining order.

-The Blue Stocking

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I say go for it. If he says no, you move on to the next cute guy.

If he says yes, you go hiking, have a good time, and if you're lucky he even saves you from a cougar (the animal kind).

Who knows, you may even save him from a cougar (the non-animal kind).

Dating is like The Magic Schoolbus. You have to take chances, make mistakes, and get messy!

"...literally find her KNIGHT(ly) in shining trousers and tie."

Now, where might I procure some shining trousers?

Heidi said...

Featherstone McGee, you make me laugh.

Anonymous said...

I agree with The Blue Stocking and Featherstone. I'd also just like to add in an attempt to ease your conscience, when everyone likes a certain person, there is usually a reason so don't feel guilty. If there was a GIRL in the ward who was super awesome, you wouldn't try not to be her friend just because everyone else was, would you? I think it goes the same for guys...the stakes are just a little higher sometimes.

Anonymous said...

"Last bit of advice: liking someone is hard, but what’s infinitely harder is missing out on someone because you let yourself get in your own way."

So. So. So. True. Great advice. For anyone.

I agree, go for it- you have nothing to lose.

Anonymous said...

Take chances...but also take caution. He does all these nice out-of-the-way things for you, but does he also do them for the rest of his minions?

I was recently burned by my own personal Frank Churchill. The attentions he gave me almost certainly indicated he was interested. Little did I know that he had his own Jane Fairfax all the while.

Anonymous said...

For some Frankie's it is the chase. If you have been aloof and not one of the minions it may be he wants to know "why not" so it is a challenge. So by going hiking you will find out afterwards (he will most certainly go for the hike) but if he goes back to his groupies you know it was the chase. Just make sure you enjoy the run which ever way it goes.