A Muddled Mess

10/04/2011 The Charmer 11 Comments

A brief warning: a) This story will be a little long-winded, and b) this post may negatively influence your opinion of me. You will most likely think less of me when you're finished.

But, in the interest of entertaining strangers by sharing all the intimate details of my love life, I've decided to risk it.

On Friday, as I watched the football game with Masimo, I felt my heart flutter within me. It wasn't quite the sought-after "butterflies in the stomach" feeling, but it was lovely. The wise words of Rafiki (of Lion King fame) ran through my mind: It is time.
Yes, I decided, it is time. It's time to start weaning off these other boys and commit myself to one. I've made my decision. I pick Masimo.
Unfortunately, I didn't get to see him for the rest of the weekend because he went home to Ogden to be with his family for conference. I knew that I needed to talk to him and let him know how I was feeling, especially mentioning that I was primarily interested in him, but I figured it could wait.

Even though I was pretty set on Masimo, earlier in the week I had already agreed to make Sunday dinner with Piano Man. I decided that I would honor my commitment, but that I would tell him what my decision was (after all, HE was the one who kept telling me that I needed to make a decision!). Sunday came around, I went and made dinner with him, and things were going too well. I knew I shouldn't have been enjoying myself as much as I was, but I couldn't help it.

While I was with Piano Man, I got a call from Mr. Director. Despite the fact that Mr. Director and I had spent a fair amount of time together at this point because of club commitments, we hadn't actually gone on any dates. I'd hinted to him that I was interested in someone else and I figured he wasn't going to keep pursuing me.
Apparently, I was wrong.
I answered the call thinking he was calling about club business...but of course he wasn't. He was actually calling to ask me on a date. I couldn't believe it. Piano Man and his roommates were sitting there watching me as I struggled to figure out what to say. It was one of those moments where all I could think was, Really?! Is this actually happening right now?!
Now I can be rude, but I'm not quite rude enough to set up a date with one boy while I'm sitting on the couch next to another one. A bit flustered, I told Mr. Director that I'd call him back later.

What was only supposed to be a dinner date with Piano Man turned into an extended dinner/movie-watching date in which he kept trying to cuddle with me. I resisted his efforts at first...but I am ashamed to admit that eventually I gave in. We cuddled a little, and the whole time I just kept thinking No no no, I need to set this straight. Masimo. I pick Masimo. ... Right?

Afterwards, Piano Man walked me home and tried to start talking to me about when we could hang out later in the week. I told him what I'd decided--I told him that I shouldn't have let the cuddling happen and that I was going to date Masimo. We ended up sitting outside my house for a long time as I talked through my decision-making process; after all, I was less sure about my choice now than I'd been on Friday. But as I talked through it and explained myself to him, I started to feel okay about things. I explained how being with Masimo just made me feel happy and how being with him (Piano Man) sometimes made me feel confused.

Obviously, he wasn't happy about it. But, he was (somewhat) understanding and seemed resigned to the fact that I'd picked Masimo. (Although he did make it quite clear that he was not happy about "losing to a ballroom dancer.") I inwardly sighed, relieved--things were going to work out okay.

And then...
... he kissed me.

And I didn't stop him.
In fact, I kissed him back.

And then when he kissed me again, I still didn't stop him.


He finally left and I foolishly thought that things were resolved. In my head, the kiss was one of resignation. You know, like after you've just broken up with your boyfriend and the two of you kiss goodbye. That sort of thing.

But the next morning (yesterday), he gave me a ride to work and told me, "I'm not okay with you dating Masimo. I went home last night and couldn't sleep because it bothered me so much."
Shocked, I told him I had made my decision and that I thought he had understood that.
To this, he responded, "I don't really think you have. If you'd truly made up your mind, you wouldn't have kissed me last night."

Shoot. I couldn't come up with an argument to that.

Then last night, he came over and proceeded to make me feel more miserable because he was mad that I kissed him if I didn't "mean" it. Piano Man was only the fourth guy I've ever kissed--he knew this, and he kept bringing it up to try and convince me that surely it must have meant something since I'm not the type of person to go around throwing out kisses. We talked late into the night and I came out of it feeling more confused than ever. I like Masimo. I'm fairly certain I want to date Masimo. But I have feelings for Piano Man, too, and he's terribly persistent.

So that's where I stand at the moment. Confused, tired, and frankly quite miserable.

Oh, and just to throw a little more mess into the mix, I have a date tonight with Mr. Director. When I called him back, I told him that I was probably going to be dating someone soon (remember? weaning off the boys?). But he was insistent that he really just wanted to do something low-key so he could get to know me outside of the club. And I gave in. Again.

Clearly I need to learn how to start saying "no."

The Charmer

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Tasha said...

I don't think less of you, I think less of Piano Man. What is he thinking? Hounding a girl isn't a good way to win her over. Let him have a relationship with the keyboard.

Anjelica said...

I agree with Tasha, I think less of piano man too!

Anonymous said...

I don't think less of piano man, of course he's going to try his best to win you over. This always seems to happen when you "decide" on a guy, unfortunately. Life is messy and confusing, but things will work out in the end :) live it, enjoy the experiences you have

Anonymous said...

So, I'm a ridiculously jealous that you even have the option of 3 guys! I can't seem to even get one guy to make his intentions known, yet I can't seem to pull away and even find interest in other guys. Maybe I'm too committed? I don't know. Whatever it is, it's pretty dang annoying to have tunnel vision focused on one guy that can't seem to make up his mind.

Kailee said...

First of all, I just have to say that I love your posts and was glad for an update, so I don't mind that it was long. :) Second, I don't think you're rude at all because that must be SO confusing!! Obviously it's your choice, but they both sound like great guys to me. I think it kind of boils down to who you're more compatible with and what personality you'd want to date more. I don't know a ton about Masimo, but he sounds like a guy who respects you and lets you move slow in the relationship. Its kind of like your happiness before his and I'm guessing he likes you a lot. With Piano Man, it sounds like he likes you a lot too, but it's different. He's much more persistent and wants things his way and thinks he knows what's best for you. And that's not terribly bad either, sometimes it can be really attractive that they are chasing you. But you have to ask yourself that if they were both doing the same thing (like say if Masimo was chasing you as persistently as PM, or if PM was moving as slowly as Masimo), which one would you want to date?

Anyways, I'm sorry it's so confusing (although it does make for a great story on here haha) but I'm sure it will all come together soon and have the best ending. Good luck and keep us updated!!!

Anonymous said...

He didn't "get a revelation" that you're supposed to marry him, too, did he? Ha ha ha.
Go with YOUR feelings not the guys' issues with hating to LOSE.

Maybe we are missing something here. But after having a conversation about you NOT picking Piano Man, why did he kiss you?

I feel like he is trying to use confusion to get his way and win you over. Not trying to say he is a master manipulator, I'm sure he is a great guy, but like most guys, I have a feeling he is using this confusing situation to his advantage.

Charmer, go with your gut instinct on this one, I have a feeling it will come in handy.

Washington said...

Eric is more right than he'll admit. Piano man is a manipulator. You said you weren't going for him, and so he threw more physical into the mix. Why you ask? Only because he knew you might confuse that for real (stronger?) feelings. It doesn't matter what kind of a guy he was, because all that went out the window right there. I don't really think Masimo is yoru guy, but Piano Man should be right out.

Annie said...

Have you seen Masimo since then? Have you been able to at least talk to him about your feelings. I think getting back on the same page with him, or even talking to him again, may help to solidify the feelings you have for him and drive out the confusion these other boys are putting in your way. Your life is your choice!

Kim said...

I agree with above comments ... I've dated a couple guys like Piano Man - and after all was said and done I realized that I didn't want half of that in the first place. You're brilliant, smart and given these feelings for a reason. Trust your gut! Don't let an albeit charismatic man manipulate you into anything. If you wanted Piano Man independent of anything else then you would have chosen him instead. But if you still want Masimo - after he's been gone all weekend and another boy has made his moves - doesn't that tell you something?

David said...

Eric and Washington have got it down. He's a manipulator, and using the tool that works so well here in Provo -- the physical. Everyone wants it to some degree, but you can't let that sway you.

If you've already mentally chosen Masimo, don't let the temporary accidental physical choice of Piano Man sway your mind.

(Also, there are a surprising amount of guys who read this blog.)