The SMILES Game

10/20/2011 The Lady 10 Comments

Have you ever had to deal with being interested in more than one person at a time? Of course you have. It happens often enough.

But what about the converse? How often has more than one person been interested in you at the same time? And, dare I say, you have been interested in these people in return?

Now, now, we’re not going to argue semantics and delineate between whether you areinterested in one or more of these persons or if you like them, or vice versa. If any of these people tickle or tantalize your teeming talented tastebuds, [+5 alliteration] and you likewise tickle theirs, well then, I do say you’re in a pickle!

And how do you find yourself a Buckwheat to trade your Porky a nickel for this pickle [or at the very least, two cents]? Well, folks, Colonel Paisley is here to share a somethin’ li’l special!

SMILES.

Yes, that cheesy grin works too, but that’s not what I’m referring to. That’s an acronym I use, consisting of the six characteristics that I find most important in a member of the opposite sex. DISCLAIMER: This is the order I have chosen, in the order that to me is most pertinent. Others’ order may vary. [But mine is clearly the best because it spells a word. Hoo-rah.]

I like to play word and number games, so when I have to decide between which female I desire to pursue, I arrange (on paper, not in person, sheesh) those in whom I am interested and rank them 1-10 according to the six categories, being:

Spirituality. After much deliberation, I realized how important this category is to me. That connection obviously needs to exist anyway, but I discovered how much I crave it. To be on the exact same mental, emotional, physical wavelengths often relies heavily on my spiritual connection with my significant other. And I don’t mean solely with a religious connotation. The spiritual category also measures the compatibility of our goals, desires, dreams, etc.

Maturity. Closely linked to the spirituality factor and immediately behind is the level of maturity. I don’t rank this one on a strict 1-10 per se [“Oh, she’s very diplomatic and professional; she gets a 10. She’s a clown and a child; she gets a 2. . .”], but as how comparable their personality is to mine. I am inherently a goofy person; I like to have fun. But I can definitely hold my own in serious, spiritual, political, economical, and thought-provoking conversation. I need someone who can flex with me among each end of the spectrum.

Intelligence. Hm, how to word this without sounding pretentious or snobby… I can’t date or marry someone who is dumb. I don’t like to judge people, but I inherently do; we all do. I probably flatter myself in saying that I am an intelligent person; I’m definitely inferior to many people, though. Overall, my wife must be smarter than I am. I sincerely hope that. Optimally, I will marry a woman who is smarter than I, but believes I am smarter. Likewise, I will know she is smarter than I, and I will be happy with that. We both stay humble and avoid pride outright. [I can have pride problems sometimes.]

Looks. Call me shallow if you must, but do not deny that you wouldn’t love to marry someone who is the most handsome devil on the earth, or the most beautiful woman in existence, whichever you prefer. There is a different definition of attraction for each person in the world; someone I would find very pretty and intriguing wouldn’t get a second look from another guy. It is a near-indisputable fact that you must be attracted to your spouse in the physical sense in one way or another. How strikingly beautiful/handsome is this person? How attracted to them are you?

Exercise. Okay, I admit, this category is only called this so it forms a word. Sue me. [I thought of using Athleticism, but that spells SMILAS, which is stupid! And definitely not Spanish for smiles.] Anyway. Body shape and size isn’t important to me, but how a woman takes care of herself is. Does she exercise? Does she care about her health?

Sociability. This one comes last because it is least important of the six, but it is still veritably vital (+2). Is she extroverted or introverted? Can she hold her own in social situations, or does she freeze up like a deer in the spotlights on stage at a NRA meeting?

Within this attribute you can also bring up other important factors such as relationships with others. Is she clingy? To you? To her family? Does she drive home to be with her family every weekend simply because she can, and they are close? Does she have to live in Utah for the rest of her life because this is where her parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles and old bishops and old YW presidents and pets live? Figure out if this is important to you at all.

- - - - - - - - - -

And there you have it, my friends, Colonel Paisley’s six incomprehensive traits to figuring out which person of the opposite sex that you want to pursue. They are excellent factors to help decide whom you want to marry someday. They’ve also made me accept the fact that I will probably never find a woman who perfectly meets all the traits that I have heretofore described, and I will be single forever. Just kidding. Maybe.

Oh, and by the way, doing this doesn’t actually help you find the girl that scores the highest so you can pursue her. It doesn’t work, but it sure is fun [and eye-opening] to do. Enjoy!

Pip pip,

Colonel Paisley

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10 comments:

Katri said...

I love this. but I don't think I'd really sit down and make the list. :)

Colonel Paisley said...

It doesn't actually take a lot of time. I just sit in class, write everyone's names down, put SMILES across the top, and give them 1-10. Then tally them up. And then I ignore the top scores and just go for whatever feels right.

Anonymous said...

``I am no longer surprised at your knowing only six accomplished women. I rather wonder now at your knowing any.''

Colonel Paisley said...

I'm afraid I have no idea what exactly it is to which you are referring. When and where did I say anything about knowing only six accomplished women?

Anonymous said...

Pride and Prejudice. That is what Elizabeth tells Mr. Darcy after Miss Bingley tells her what makes a woman accomplished. It is a rather long list.

Colonel Paisley said...

Ah yes, I remember that part now.

So... application... does that mean... you liked my post? Disagreed with it? Find my standards too high? [I do too, sometimes.]

Anonymous said...

I must say I really liked your post, however when reading it I felt that if every man had a list such as that I would never be able to measure up.

Colonel Paisley said...

The fortunate thing about such a list is that it is incredibly user-specific. Each man has different priorities, and they also value some attributes more than others.

I firmly believe that every person will measure up on someone else's list, someday or another. You'll find your Darcy or Brandon or Rochester.

Anonymous said...

Well thank you Colonel. You've given me hope which seems to be something I am in dire need of lately. I hope you find your Elizabeth and that she is everything you want.

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