How quick come the reasons for approving what we like.
Dear Anti-Austens,I've been reading your blog for about 2 weeks now and I really can't get enough of it. I found myself silently screaming "YES." in the computer labs when I saw there was a new post today.
Something about everyone else's drama is just so addicting to read.
Problem is, is that I've stumbled upon my own drama after transferring here from Arizona State University. (Best decision of my life, might I add. Go Cougs.)
My story is as follows:
Flash back to the first week of school. My roommate and I were creepin' out my bedroom window, (I can't believe how normal it is to creep at BYU. Alas, I've turned into the window-peeker-outer I thought I'd never be...) and then Roommate declares, "There he is!"
"There who is?" I reply, folding my clothes and making my way to the window.
"Ward Hottie!"
I look out the window and what do I see? No, not popcorn, it was Ward Hottie (pseudonym) walking down the street with a rollie suitcase.
"What's so great about him?" I ask.
"He's cute and so nice. Every girl in the ward is in love with him. He knows it, too, but somehow he isn't conceited about it."
From my perch, I couldn't see anything EXTRAORDINARY about him. Well-dressed. Blond hair. Decent height. That would put him in the 34th percentile of all BYU males.
And from that moment I decided I wasn't going to fall for him. I hate being like everyone else; it's so prideful, I know, but I LOVE, no, CRAVE individuality. So if liking him made me just as stupid as all the other flirtsy, cutesy, dingbat girls in my ward, then I wanted to stay away from that guy as much as possible.
My resolve became even deeper one day as I was lying out on my grass reading C.S. Lewis'The Problem of Pain. Four girls were out on their lawn, chatting about nothing and then suddenly I heard his name.
Girl 1: "Blah blah blah, I don't like Ward Hottie. I'm going for his roommate."
Girl 2: "Good! That makes one less girl I have to go through to get to him!!"
They all laughed their giggly laughs and I wanted to puke. I mean, really? What was so amazing about him that girls now were forming metaphorical lines, and gauging their chances with him by how many girls stood in front of them in said line? What the heck? This ward, I thought, is ridiculous.
Fast forward a bit, to ward prayer. I'm standing there, outside an apartment, waiting for it to begin, when all of a sudden there is a manly presence standing next to me.
Ward Hottie. Great. I started to throw out some of my conversational pieces.
"Hey! How ya doin'? On a scale from 1 to GREAT, how great has your day been today?"
And then he surprised me with a real, true-to-life answer that hardly ANYONE ever gives when you ask them how they're doing.
"Hmm, Can I give you two answers?"
Intrigued, I nodded my head.
"8-4PM today was a 2. I had to catch a million flights to get back here and that wasn't fun at all. Then, from 4- now, I'd give it about an eight."
I then asked him the details of the "2" score he'd given his day, turns out he was coming back from a Man-cation with his dad and uncles. It was fun,he said, and he was about to show me a picture when we were interrupted by one of his roommates. But before W.H. turned away, I caught a glimpse of a stadium, full of people in red. I knew that football team.
Later that night, I realized I wanted to finish my conversation with him. I found my feet walking me toward his apartment, I heard my mouth talk to his roommate, I felt the roommate push me inside the house, my feet carried me over to W.H. and sat me down in a chair that W.H. had motioned for me to occupy.
At this time, my brain was a bit panicky. "What are you doing? This is going to be so awkward. He's trying to study! Get out of here! WORRY WORRY WORRY~"
And then I shut my amygdala off and started talking to him.
"Hey man, I saw the picture of the football game on your phone, did you get to go to that game?"
And then he and I geeked out over football.
And then he and I geeked out over facebook and traveling and funny friends and school.
And then I went home.
Flash forward to a week later, Friday night, I am sitting on my doorstep talking to my mom. I see W.H. walking down the street. I see W.H. see me. I see W.H. veer toward me.
"Mom. I gotta go." Click.
"Hey, what's up?" I say nonchalantly.
"OK, " he begins, "I have a proposition for you. I know this might sound weird, and you can shut it down if you don't want to go, I don't really even want to..." He rambles on for a little bit before I re-rail him onto his train of thought.
"Oh, well, do you want to drive with me and my friend to Salt Lake? I have to drop him off there and would like some company for the ride home."
Brain: "UMWHATOFCOURSEI'LLGOWITHYOU, WAITAMINUTE,WHATAMIDOING???!!!
Mouth: "Yeah! Sounds fun. I was just gonna watch some Anne Frank movie on Netflix anyway."
So we go. The friend is awesome and hilarious. We stop at Wal Mart to get a few things, W.H. says, "OK, we definitely need some snacks."
We walk around the store. He remembers that my favorite candy is Peanut M&M's and not the Peanut Butter ones. He asks if I like cookie dough. I do. So he buys a tube of it.
We're driving, he asks if we can listen to my iPod (wow. most everyone always chooses their own iPod) we listen to music and I realize he and I are the same type of music-listeners: we sing and dance along and love to mimic the voices of the singers.
Forward some more, friend is dropped off, we are headed back. I ask if we can listen to his music, he pulls up a song and I say "HEY. This song always reminds me of this..." and I sing some muddled bars of this song I don't really know the words to.
"YOU MEAN DAYLIGHT BY MATT AND KIM!??!?" he exclaims.
He grabs the iPod and finds the song that I didn't even sing that well, I'm surprised because NO ONE seems to know that song. We jam. And we laugh. And we try to understand the lyrics.
Cool down: We are stuck in traffic. Leads to a conversation about pet peeves. Leads to conversations about a lot of things; namely our identities and how we define ourselves with clothing.
Turns out he likes shoes.
Turns out he's really easy to talk to.
Turns out he's way tight with his family.
Turns out that was just enough conversation to know he's capable of thinking deeper than the average bear (man).
He drops me off and it was 2 AM by the time we get home.
Fast forward some more. (I promise this story gets to the present sometime) The next Tuesday. I get a call from a random number. Pick it up. It's W.H. He invites me. On a date. To the REAL SALT LAKE soccer game the next day. NO!!! NOOOO!!!
And I was mentally screaming NOOOO, not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't. I had already been asked out for the next night by someone I BARELY EVEN KNEW AND NOOOOOO I JUST WANTED TO GO WITH HIM AHHHHHH.
I told him I had already been asked out and I was so sorry and he said, "Ok, yeah, no problem. We'll have to do it another time."
It was then that I realized I had started to baby fall for him. Not like head-over-heels, but like a baby-sized misstep on a staircase, just enough to send your heart fluttering in your chest.
I felt mildly peeved at myself for letting him do this to me, but at the same time, I really didn't mind at all.
Now, we are at the present. Since that unfortunate evening, he and his friend came over for Sunday dinner once. He says hi to me. But nothing much other than that.
Another boy kinda popped into my life, (HE HAS AN ENGLISH ACCENT, WHAT?!?! *attractive...*) but I've realized I can't really communicate with English Boy. And that is so important to me in a relationship. I just need to know he's a real, live, human being. W.H. and I connected there, we were both silly, laughing, football-loving, thoughtful humans together. I miss that.
I promised myself I'd start letting boys chase me, instead of being so available all the time, but I don't know if it's too against my morals to go out on a limb and contact him again. He's been a ghost around the ward, kind of quiet, not showing up to many things, I think he's busy. Or worse, *has a girlfriend...* But should I seek him out? Should I try to prod his brain and remind him that I REALLY ACTUALLY DO WANT TO GO ON A DATE WITH HIM?
I feel like if I take that route, I'll start to appear just like all the other girls in the ward. All the other girls he's not interested in. And heaven forbid I start to become like everyone else...
What do you think, Austens? Do I wait? Do I text him? Do I doom myself to a life of perpetual creeping through my window? (Not my first choice.)
I want to seem hard to get in a VERY accessible manner. I really just want to get to know him.
Please share your thoughts, and thank you for existing in this anonymous internet blog,
The (shamefully) Not-So-Original Lover
Dear Miss Not-So-Original,
A wise man (aka C.S. Lewis) once said, "...no man (or woman) who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it."
I think that I get just as much enjoyment out of reading the emails that filter into our inbox than you must from reading our blog. And this one in particular is a treasure. Please forgive me for posting twice in one week in response to these emails. I promise that I don't think that I have all the answers, and I don't just pretend to be able to relate to all these emails either. I actually can relate to them. It's probably the same reason you read this blog, because you can relate to us as well. We are all human after all.
I had my own troubles with my own Ward Hottie. (My originality is bust, so I can't even begin to think of a suitable pseudonym for him). He was the sort of boy I had chosen to dislike (hate being much too strong of a word), and I enjoyed that feeling. Disliking the boy that every girl loved. After one whole year of focusing all my animosity in his direction, I discovered--to my absolute dismay--that he was in fact a decent human being. I began to even "baby fall" for him (using your own term). I was even rebuked several times for spending some much energy on my personal vendetta. It is indeed an interesting phenomenon.
However, my personal problems are not the point. Let's talk about you. I know that I said in my last post that if a boy likes you he will pursue you. Scratch that. Well, not completely. Honestly, here is my real secret to dating: There are no rules. It is not a game to be played. Every case is different. Enough said.
It is obvious that Ward Hottie was captivated by you. You were one that stood out to him. Why? You did something about it. Your feet carried you to his apartment (Brilliant and daring!), unlike the other girls who are creeper loving on him and can do nothing but wait for him to notice him. You made yourself be noticed. Something that most girls are not willing to do. So here is what you do: You make yourself be noticed again. But beware that there is a fine line between letting yourself be noticed and overbearance. As the scriptures say: Use boldness, but not overbearance. (That is in the scriptures right?)
You do not need to pop over to his apartment and say, "Remember that you time you asked me out and I said no? Well I actually do want to go out with you!" In my opinion, that's a little too desperate, and if your goal is subtlety, do not use this route. Believe me, I've tried this one. Major flop. Just make it a point to talk to him when you see him. Don't be one of the needy girls in the ward who are giving him creeping looks over their shoulders (who actually wish they were you!). Like my dear friend The Colonel and his newly dubbed friend, Featherstone, commented on my last post: Be somewhere between subtle and obvious. You do not have to completely ignore a guy to play hard to get. I've tried that one too. It doesn't work.
In summary: Be bold! But not too forward. Talk to him like you are the normal human being I believe you to be. Be genuine.
I like this. I like where this is going. You don't have to be the girl creeping out the window. He's obviously been captivated by you once, just remind him of that. Save creeping for special occasions.
Con Amor,
The Coquette
7 comments:
I have one minor addition to the Coquette's eloquent advice. It sounded like you told him you already had a date for the night he was asking you out. In my experience, this is a bad idea. It's not that guys assume ladies never get asked on dates for nights they might ask them, but when you specifically say, "I already have a date for that night." you are probably/possibly sending the message of, "Look, I'm in demand and ha ha, I already have a date that night." Boys usually don't like to be reminded that there are other men out there vying for your favor. I usually worded it, "I'm sorry, I already have plans for that night, but I would love to do something with you some other night." Or even, "I'm available [whatever the next day you're available]." You might have scared him off a little with the telling him you already had a date, because there are some females that will lie about having dates to avoid going on dates with unwanted males. Guys are in constant fear when asking a girl out that she does not actually want to go on a date with them. Anywho, don't know if any of that made sense, but this guy could need some reassurance in the form of you inviting him to something casual ("Me and my roomies are making sugar cookies, want to come over and help decorate?"), or just starting up a real life or text conversation with him.
I DEFINITELY agree with what Sarah said. NEVER tell a guy specifically that you already have a date, just say that you're already busy and say you're available a different night, or earlier that day. Once he hears you've already got a date, in his mind all he thinks is that you're unavailable and uninterested.
Be yourself. Again, there are no rules. Who cares who texts/calls/talks to/acts interested in who first. Be real. I say, call and flutter about wanting a raincheck or something and invite him to do something. He feels like you already shut him down once so if you want a chance, you've got to make it happen. Good luck!!
I am now also in love with Ward Hottie. If things don't work out between the two of you...send him my way. ;)
I'm totally kidding!
I loved reading your story and I especially love the term "baby fall." I'll probably steal it, just fyi.
But seriously--this boy sounds like a catch. Let's all pray that he doesn't have a girlfriend, because I suggest you don't let this one get away.
Oh, and really, don't worry about me. I may steal your phrase "baby fall", but I won't try and take WH from you. I'm usually not into blondes. ;)
The best dating advice I've ever gotten is from Alma 38:12 - "Use boldness, but not overbearance." I would say you can you can call or text him :)
What's with all this hard to get not hard to get stuff. You feel how you feel.
He's sensitive and bummed that you were not able to go with him and you made the point to tell him you were going on a date with someone else.
You better get back in the game and asked him how the soccer game went, or better yet find an activity or an event that you and your friends are going to and ask if he wants to go? Something with music, concert, theater, musical or choir would be good.
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