Two Fine Gentlemen

10/11/2011 The Charmer 3 Comments

Okay, I'm going to post twice today. I know, I know. I'm overwhelming your blog feed. Sorry. But I have some dating advice for a lovely reader that should have been posted this weekend (sorry Summer!) and an update on my love life. And, rather than write a never-ending blog post, I decided I'd break it up to make it a little more manageable.

Okay. Advice first. Drama second.

Dear Anti-Austen,

There are two guys in my ward. Let's call them Colonel Fitzwilliam and Mr. Darcy. I've talked several times with both of them and they're both fun, nice, attractive boys. I could see myself easily developing feelings for either of them. Col. Fitzwilliam asked me on a date a little over a week ago, and I had a good time and it seemed like he did too. If I'm reading the signs right, Mr. Darcy might be interested in me too, but he hasn't made any obvious moves.

Here's the problem: They're roommates. And I like Mr. Darcy rather more than I like Col. Fitzwilliam.

Does the fact that they live in the same apartment and Col. Fitzwilliam made the first move bar Mr. Darcy from asking me out? Is there anything I can actively do to steer this situation in the direction I'd most like? I would really love to stay friends with them no matter who (if either) shows any more signs of interest, but I don't know if that's possible if I end up hurting their feelings.

Is it stupid of me to even worry about this when I don't know for sure that either of them will do anything?


Dearest Summer,

I'm not going to lie, you left us here at the Anti-Austen a bit baffled about how to respond to your inquiry. It's one of those situations that most of us have found ourselves in--and it's one in which I think we never know quite how to respond. So, because of this, I am opening up your question to all of our fabulous advice-giving readers. I've loved reading your comments lately and wanted to let all of you know just how helpful your advice really is!
But, so as not to appear lazy by merely delegating my dating guru duties, I will attempt to answer your question.
First off, yes...if Colonel Fitzwilliam really is interested in you, it's going to keep Mr. Darcy at bay. It's in the unwritten man code that you don't pursue a girl your buddy's already chasing (unless you're a real sleazeball, but it doesn't sound like Mr. Darcy is. That would be more of a Wickham move).
However, I do think that you can turn this situation around so that it works in your favor. Luckily, you're only at the first date stage with Col. Fitzwilliam (or you were when you initially sent us this email). This means that (hopefully) Fitzwilliam won't be too heartbroken if things start happening between you and Darcy.
To be honest, at this point it sounds like you haven't really made up your mind yet. You mentioned that you've talked several times with both of them, but it doesn't sound like you've spent a whole lot of time getting to know either one of them yet. My suggestion to you would be to spend more time with them! Hang out at their apartment, bring cookies by, host a game night and invite them over, etc. Spending time with them will help you sort out your feelings a little better, and it will also help you become better friends with both of them (you mentioned wanting to be friends with them).
Even though you should probably spend some time getting to know both of them right now, once you make up your mind about which fine gentleman you're most interested in you can start directing your attention and flirtations primarily towards him. You mentioned not even being sure if "either of them will do anything"--so, instead of waiting around for them, take control of the situation! If things aren't going the way you want them to or the boys seem confused about what to do with you, start making it clear that you're interested in Darcy (or Fitzwilliam, if you end up falling for him instead). Hopefully you can avoid hurting any feelings along the way, but sometimes it's hard to avoid that (especially in messy situations like this). However, even if Fitzwilliam is a little disappointed, he'll get over it. We all know that love can hurt. He's probably dealt with rejection before.

Best of luck,
The Charmer

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Colonel Paisley said...

I've been Colonel Fitzwilliam in that situation before. [It's funny, that's from whom I got the Colonel in my name. Fancy that.] Except I was pursuing the girl, and my roommate and friend ended up being a sleazeball as the Charmer said and going for the girl despite my attempts and advances. Unfortunately, he did this to me twice in the span of 10 months.

Anyway. In your present situation, I have no real additional advice aside from what our dear Charmer has already said. Her advice is very sound. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I have actually heard a guy tell his perspective on this very subject. He said that a girl is free game until she picks who she wants to pursue essentially by showing interest in one guy in particular. Mind you, this may have only applied to the apartment of boys this young man belonged to, but I feel like this is a sound theory. Good luck!!

Anonymous said...

^Isolated incident and the possible reasoning of the "sleazeball" who doesn't respect his friend.