Oh, to win a date contest.

2/24/2012 The Anti-Austen 5 Comments

The following tidbits are from Colonel Paisley and his lady of choice.

When I first applied to "Win a Date with Colonel Paisley" I was filled with the anticipation that only comes when you do something crazy. I mean I was pretty sure Colonel wasn't a rapist.... but only pretty sure. I had gotten a sense for his personality and thought that we were compatible so I hoped that he would see that in my answers to the questionnaire and pick me. Even so, when I won I jumped up and down like a crazy lady- I'm pretty sure I terrified my roommate.

He picked me up at the predetermined time of 5:23 and was extremely punctual. We went to dinner, which was very nice, and had a great conversation. We found that we had some friends in common and that our interests coincided very well. After our very nice dinner, we went to the show "The Merchant of Venice." Oh. My. Gosh. I'm a little bit of a theater nerd to begin with and this was just so much fun. Excellent choice, Jude. We got to sit on the floor which was basically the best thing ever. After the show he took me home. He was the perfect gentleman. He opened my doors, pulled my chair out for me, and best of all didn't turn it into a marathon date.

He asked me out again for the next weekend and we went to the planetarium. I'd never been to a planetarium before and I was pumped. We had a lot of fun playing with all the science stuff at the beginning and doing all of the kid stuff throughout. He discovered how creeped out I am by creepy crawlie creatures (really! Don't they give you the heebee-jeebees?) and tried to make me touch them. Afterwards we got a cupcake and he took me home. We ended up talking in my apartment until 1:30 (It was Friday. No Honor-Code-Breakage here!) . Yes, this was kind of a marathon date but that was okay because the conversation was flowing.

All in all, Colonel Paisley is every bit the gentleman that his posts make him out to be. He gets very (jokingly) offended if you don't let him open your door, and is always respectful. I am really grateful that I was able to meet him through this contest and all y'all should be jealous. And he's definitely NOT a rapist.



DATE OF BIRTH: 6/31/1988

CURRENT ADDRESS: Scruff McGruff, Chicago IL, 60652

It was discovered that on January 26, 2012 Colonel Jude Paisley had a secret rendezvous with the First Lady. President Harrison Ford instructed us to tail them at a discreet distance. They had delicious Thai food and then enjoyed a showing of The Merchant of Venice. They sat on the floor of the theatre but did not participate in the performance. No harm came to the First Lady. No marathon date was reported.

On February 3, 2012, Colonel Paisley took the First Lady to the planetarium in Salt Lake City. Bill Nye offered the statement, “Science rules.” The variety of activities was very enjoyable, and the First Lady appeared to be enjoying the colonel’s company. Upon returning to Provo, they ate at one of the colonel’s favorite restaurants, δρ ζπεεςϑςτξακς [encoded in Greek so as to protect his identity]. Date was borderline marathonical, but still acceptable.

President Harrison Ford determined that such rendezvous are unbefitting the First Lady, and Colonel Paisley was temporarily detained in military prison until such justification was provided.


The First Lady is a charming and captivating woman.

Colonel Paisley and the First Lady are friends who enjoy spending time together.

The First Lady is in fact not married to President Harrison Ford, and thus she can do whatever she likes with whomever she chooses.

All charges of infidelity were dropped.

Colonel Paisley was released from military prison.

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anonymous said...

PAISLEY!! We share a birthday! How fortuitous. Except I'm older than you. Nonetheless, we're pretty rare! I've never met anyone who shares a birthday with me.

Dearest anonymous,
1. That's not my real birthday, sorry.
2. That's not a real date. Sorry! I wish it were, though. It'd be a cool birthday.

Anonymous said...

I know. I just use that date all the time for my birthday. I'm not stupid. Of course it's not your real birthday. That's why I said we were so rare-- it isn't a real date, and I have never met anyone else who has used it to claim it was their birthday. Sorry for the confusion. I guess it wasn't very fortuitous after all.

Mawn said...

Dear Anti-Austins, if your dates are easily trailed, I would be careful as your anonymity might be in jeopardy

Dear Anonymous,

I'm obviously an idiot. I meant not to suggest that you were stupid in any way. Forgive me if it seemed that way.
I'm glad you use that as your fake birthday -- I recently started. The birthyear for me is correct, though. Is yours 87? And is that correct?