If things are going untowardly one month, they are sure to mend the next.

2/09/2012 The Lady 9 Comments

Hey Anti-Austen,
How does one convey the message to a certain... Mr. Collins that they do NOT want to be their Valentine... How does one stop said Mr. Collins from executing any elaborate plans that may culminate on Valentine's day? Please help!


Dear Anonymous,
This is indeed a sticky situation. My life's Mr. Collins was lurking around just the other day attempting to ask me to a Valentine's Dance. I had to resort to being incredibly hostile. Once again using my old motto, "I hate dates." I just hope that none of the members of the Frenzy of Five were around to hear it. The horrible thing about Mr. Collinses is that they are incredibly hard to discourage. I think that Mr. Collins is convinced that I am severely depressed and may even be a cutter. I am sure he will attempt to rescue me from myself soon.

As I see the situation, you have several options:
1. Play the hostile card. (He may become worried and attempt to rescue you from your dire situation).
2. Leave town for Valentine's Day. (He may follow you).
3. Acquire a temporary boyfriend for the holiday. (He may challenge him to a duel).
4. Tell him you're a lesbian. (He may tell everyone in the ward).
5. Claim that something tragic happened on Valentine's Day many years ago (death of a family pet?) and so now you refuse to celebrate the holiday. (He may come up with an even more elaborate plan to cheer you up).

I do believe that this circumstance requires a passage from Pride and Prejudice:

“You are too hasty, sir,” she cried. “You forget that I have made no answer. Let me do it without further loss of time. Accept my thanks for the compliment you are paying me. I am very sensible of the honour of your proposals, but it is impossible for me to do otherwise than to decline them.”

“I am not now to learn,” replied Mr. Collins, with a formal wave of the hand, “that it is usual with young ladies to reject the addresses of the man whom they secretly mean to accept, when he first applies for their favour; and that sometimes the refusal is repeated a second, or even a third time. I am therefore by no means discouraged by what you have just said, and shall hope to lead you to the altar ere long.”

“Upon my word, sir,” cried Elizabeth, “your hope is a rather extraordinary one after my declaration. I do assure you that I am not one of those young ladies (if such young ladies there are) who are so daring as to risk their happiness on the chance of being asked a second time. I am perfectly serious in my refusal. You could not make me happy, and I am convinced that I am the last woman in the world who could make you so.”

All joking aside, honesty is your best bet. Even though it may hurt the little fella, guys really do prefer honesty. (Or so many have told me). Just tell him plainly that you are flattered by his invitation, but are not interested. It will be better in the long run. I must needs take my own advice. I wish you the best of luck with this situation.

We now interrupt our regularly scheduled advice post to bring you a rant about Valentine's Day.

I think my hatred for Valentine's Day stemmed from my junior-high years. It was the whole ordeal of the same girls getting called to the office each class period to receive yet another box of chocolates, shaggy stuffed animal, or bouquet of roses. They go home laden with these gifts of young boys' admiration while you ashamedly stuff the cards and chocolates from your mother and your Young Women's leaders into your backpack. My aversion for the holiday only grew after I spent my first Valentine's Day in college alone while Mr. Slipshod (my boyfriend at the time) took another girl to the Valentine's dance. That night I did my laundry, watched 27 Dresses, and ate chocolate all alone.

You may say, "But Lady, that's all in the past. You can still like Valentine's Day."

This is no longer about my past, this is a matter of principle. Allow me to present to you my reasons:

1. Red and pink do not go together. They clash horribly, and there is no way around it. Whoever came up with this day's official colors was either color-blind or deeply disturbed.

2. The stores are bedecked with naked babies with bows and arrows, glittering red hearts, and giant cut-outs of lips. The shelves are stocked with polyester red roses (if you're too cheap for real ones), heart-shaped boxes of chocolates, teddy bears holding hearts embroidered with "I Love You" or "Be Mine" or "Get Over Here Sugar Lips." Classy.

3. For children in elementary school, Valentine's Day becomes some sort of competition. You aren't cool if you don't have Disney Princess or Space Jam (which was all the rage in my day) Valentine's cards to give to everyone. You were definitely the laughing stock of the class if your Valentine's were homemade (unless you compensated with chocolate).

4. Red roses are anything but flattering. In fact they are nigh unto insulting. Perhaps I am too high maintenance, but receiving generic flowers set aside in huge plastic buckets especially for this holiday never sent me the message that I was special to someone.

5. Some very depressed and lonely people coined the term: Single Awareness Day (SAD).
That is sad. It's disgustingly sad. Can't I be single and happy? I would like to think so.

6. Conversation hearts are the worst excuse for candy ever invented. They taste like chalk.

Lest you become upset with my outpouring of angst, I will divulge some of the good points of Valentine's Day (because there are some):

1. A day to celebrate love is a great idea. Love is great. It's the best thing that can happen to a person. I love love. I love being in love. (I think someone should make that into a song).

2. Chocolate is the second best thing that can happen to a person. This holiday makes me exceptionally grateful for chocolate.

3. Receiving flowers from a boy (as long as they're not red roses) is SUPER great. I love flowers, so if a boy wants to get me flowers, I will never complain (as long as they're not red roses!).

Well I ran out of points. As you can see, there are definitely more cons to Valentine's Day than there are pros. And in a way, Valentine's Day is sort of pointless for me. I celebrate love everyday. I believe that you should have a bit of chocolate everyday. And there is nothing wrong (in fact it's better) with getting flowers at different points of the year (everyday?).

So I am eagerly awaiting February to end. March is a glorious month. (St. Patrick's Day!)

Until then, Happy Weezer Day! (Did you know that Weezer got together on Valentine's Day?)

The Lady

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Anonymous said...

Dearest Lady,

This post made me literally laugh out loud (I got some very strange glances for it too). You are wonderful and please don't ever forget that.

Have a Happy February!


Anonymous said...

I'm trying to decide if you're joking about the song thing... since I had it pop in my head the other day, though it should be made into a song, and then learned that it was a song I heard a long time ago, hence why it popped into my head. So either way, I wouldn't be surprised.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget Arizona statehood day! Big deal this year what with it being the centennial and all. Maybe you should scout out the single Arizonans on campus...I'm sure they are celebrating! Or do one better and host a party and invite anyone who's from there or has ties there or wants to live there someday or who had traveled through or plans to visit Arizona at any point in life.... It could be a lot of fun and you could always meet some new people (and potentially an Arizonan Weezer fan;)).

Anonymous said...


Alden Waite said...

That's it - from now on it's Happy Weezer Day!!! YES YES YES!

Buzz said...

funniest post yet! love it.

Anonymous said...

This totally made me laugh. Especially the generic roses in huge plastic buckets! I'm not a huge fan of V-day either but I think I'll treat myself. Plus Walmart will have lots of marked down candy next week. Party in the candy aisle?

maxiebob said...

I own a shirt that says I love love, or rather, I <3 <3
It's from Blend Apparel (and it's made from organic cotton and bamboo) if anyone else is interested!

The Introvert said...

Tell him the truth. I fear I have been a Mr. Collins at more than one point in my life, but I was cured at least in part with a simple, honest declaration of lack of interest. Yes it hurt, but it had to happen. The sooner the better. If I found out months earlier the answer was no, I would not have developed such infatuations which led me to pursue the girl I sought to the level I did. The worst thing you can do is make excuses. Just tell him the truth.

If you're worried about his emotional capacity to handle the letdown, let me reassure you that at least in my case, the temporary sadness I experienced came with heightened maturity and observation. I believe I am on my way to becoming more of a Colonel Brandon (which, if you know me, is delightfully ironic) and I hope other manifestations of Mr. Collins will do the same.