Colonel Paisley's rendition of "The Friend Zone"

9/23/2011 The Lady 11 Comments

Dear Readers,

This post is coming to you from the land of old-timey modernity. Colonel Paisley is another of our splendid {That word works so well for so many occasions. Fox, do you have a copyright on that, or can I borrow it?} male friends who has agreed to blog for us. For some strange reason, the only adjective I can think of to describe him is splendid...Good heavens. So please enjoy him in all his splendidness because he really is simply splendid {Can I get a point system going for this?}!

The Coquette

Hello, fellow blog-stalkers!

I’m going to skip a lengthy introduction and merely state that I am a guest contributor, this time one with a Y chromosome! Gasp. You may call me Colonel Paisley. It’s a blend of two psuedonyms that I entertained: Colonel Fitzwilliam and The Paisley Tie. I find both of these symbolize me pretty well, so I put them in the blender and downed an overpriced Jamba Juice.

Anyway, The Coquette asked me to write a guest post, and I must say that I am delighted to do so. As I pondered about what to write [that sounds like I’m speaking at general conference…] a friend’s Facebook post tickled my fancy:

Listening, Advice, Praise, Diversion, Comfort, Challenge, Companionship, or Affirmation. What kind of friend are you?

It’s funny how well that applies to dating. Mostly I wanted to muse on how to navigate the Friend Zone.

There are so many things I could say about this picture. A: I sail on Inception-esque scenery? Ok. 2: I’m pretty sure this took more time to draw than this post took to write. Forgive my slow trackpad-drawing speed. D: The friend zone has really weird-looking buoys. [HA. Get it? Because this is a dating blog, and “buoys” sounds like… Never mind.]

I’m sorry. My train of thought can often be a runaway.

So, “What kind of friend are you?” Everyone falls into at least one category; we all need to identify the trait that embodies us most and then capitalize on it. It’s kind of like the Five Love Languages, except in a more person-to-person and everyday form.

Anyway: The Friend Zone. We hate it. It ruins our plans. It makes us feel awkward. And yet, it’s so necessary. I know a few relationships that jet ski right on through the Friend Zone, and they can sometimes be awkward. I once dated someone, and we swam in the Waters of Acquaintance…ship, got caught in the Bermuda Triangle of Infatuation and suddenly found ourselves in the Relationship Reef. It was pretty cool, but then we ended up on the beach. And now I’m swimming in the Waters again.

The Friend Zone is actually where you want to be. Not with every specific person you are attracted to, per se, but with people in general. [Perhaps this is a bit too much of my normal character here; I value being friends with everyone. I find it worthwhile.]

It’s in the Friend Zone where I don’t feel awkward walking over to some girls’ apartment and just talking with them without them thinking, “Ugh, why is this creepo hanging out here? He’s not gonna ask me on a date, is he? Jimmer help me.”

Two of my lady friends needed a ride to the mall this evening; I obliged. They felt comfortable enough with me to ask; I feel comfortable putting aside my own activities to help. I later accompanied one of their roommates on an evening run. I’d chalk those under the Companionship and Diversion Friend Languages.

Don’t get me wrong – definitely do not stay in the Friend Zone forever. Test the waters. Move your way towards the warmer waters; maybe you’ll eventually find the Hot Tub of Love. In my experience, it’s much easier to establish a stable, lasting relationship with a member of the opposite sex after I’ve built a solid foundation of friendship based on my and my interest’s Friend Languages [I should copyright that].

Recent contributions to this blog have pointed out that the dating game can be very frustrating and depressing. It’s hard, of course, but it has to be. [At least, in Provo, it does.] Just remember – the Waters of Acquaintancehoodship and the Friend Zone seem pretty vast and fruitless, but you’ll find yourself in warm waters eventually. The world’s not as big and hopeless as you think – it’s not the Dating Ocean, but the Dating Pool.

[I just blew your mind. I didn’t even do it on purpose; it just worked like that.]

So think about your Friend Languages, and get out there and swim! There’s treasure everywhere!


Colonel Paisley

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Anonymous said...

I found another adjective to describe our dear Colonel Paisley - brilliant!

Colley said...

Can I just say I love you...cause I do ha ha. This post was ever so brilliant and I just loved it to death. Thank you for giving us a fresh perspective on the friend zone. And yes you did just blow my mind.

The Charmer said...
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Kelli said...

I like you.

Mckenna said...

Perfect. This is exactly how I think. I love it!

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Kirsti said...

I liked your "A, 2, and D" thing. Glad to know I'm not the only "Home Alone" fanatic!

Jen said...

Wow! definitely a new perspective.. definitely gives me new inspiration. :) thank you!

Summer said...

You're fantastic. I completely agree with you about the friend zone- I want any guy I end up dating to be first and foremost my friend. And is the pirate wearing those five-finger shoes? Haha, that's awesome.

Anonymous said...

My first thought is: Would you like to stay for dinner?
My second thought is: Would you like to stay forever?
Excellent insight, and refreshing perspective!

Anonymous said...

Colonel Paisley.

I only just noticed the Pikachu figurehead. You are now one of my favorite people.