Avoiding the Friend Zone

9/11/2011 The Blue Stocking 5 Comments

Last week I posted on my date with the RM and I posed the question "Is it too much to ask for a guy to be concerned about you?" I had a male reader {let’s call him Sam} email me to explain why my date acted this way. I was very flattered that he enjoyed our blog and I would like to thank him for reading and for taking the time to explain why I got to be ignored for three hours.

Apparently this practice of ignoring your date is a premeditated phenomenon developed by guys to stay out of the friend zone. Here is a brief excerpt from the email.

Being overly attentive to a girl has the tendency to land a guy in the friend zone; it makes him her vent, and the guy she rants to about other guys. I’ve taken part in many conversations where guys discuss just how crucial it is to avoid letting a girl vent to you until you’ve gone on the second date.

Because of this a lot of guys adopt various pick-up methods that involve not caring. I’m not saying that it’s your own fault, but the actions of girls certainly contribute to the problem. Trust me, taking girls soup or food when they’re sick or stopping by with brownies to chat with them when they’re feeling depressed never leads to a relationship {I actually ended up dating the guy who brought me soup when I was sick}. Things like that make you great friends, but never a girlfriend.

That’s why a lot of guys avoid appearing caring. They sit back in frustration and watch as the guys who are really jerkish, ignore girls, and treat them like objects end up in relationships while the nice guys who show interest in the girl and ask them about their day end up in the friend zone.
The fact of the matter is that guys don’t show too much interest in a girl because they don’t want to be friend zoned.”

This theory fascinates me. I had no idea guys worried as much as girls do about the dreaded friend zone. I also loved that the only solution they found was to ignore girls. Nice.

Now I get why this solution was developed, I just don’t think it works. Here are three reasons why:

1. I do believe that we girls start out wanting that one unattainable guy; the guy who is brilliant, hilarious, sarcastic, and borderline arrogant. But after that guy tears through us all we want is the nice, funny, caring guy. The type of guy who brings you pie because you’re not feeling well or doesn’t settle for the “I’m fine” line, but insists on knowing what’s really bothering you.

These are men. They are not selfish narcissistic boys.

2. I believe in dates being 50/50. I don’t think relationships can function without equal contribution. I personally never want to become some guy’s devoted fan who hangs on his every word. Or even worse, have a guy who wants to only talk about me: I’m with me 24 hours of the day and I know for a fact I’m not fascinating enough to be idolized. The fact is we want to be in a relationship where adoration and respect is equally distributed.

3. And lastly, I think that we need to not be so obsessed with the “friend zone.” If love is all Austen, Shakespeare, and Stephenie Meyer made it out to be, it’s worth risking friendship for. Don’t let the fear of friendship turn you into some tool who plays pathetic mind games. I realize that you, Sam, have the guy perspective, but here’s the girls; we are looking for a nice guy.

Don’t stalk us.

Just ask us how our day’s going.

-The Blue Stocking

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Kyle Mathews said...

100% agree. Is it such a bad thing to become "just" friends with people you date? A good majority of friends I made at BYU who were girls, our friendship started by going on a few dates. I didn't lose anything by showing interest in them because I never would of ended up dating them anyways.

It's a shame that so many guys throw away chances at great friendships because of a belief that being nice hurts their chances of dating someone.

The facts of the matter is, friends or not, there's 0% chance you'll end up dating the vast majority of girls (or guys) you know. Why become a jerk based on the (slight) possibility it marginally increases your chances of dating someone?

And on the possibility that there are girls out there who "like" guys who ignore them, well, I wouldn't want to date a girl like that anyways so trying to be friends with those types of girls is the best way I know to quickly weed them out of my dating pool.

Kelly Marie said...

Amen sister!

Summer said...

I completely agree with your conclusions. Except I would add that some girls never even go through the "wanting the arrogant guy" phase. And I can't express how much I'd like a 50/50 relationship- even just friendship, so long as both people are putting forth comparable effort.

Erica said...

So I just started reading this blog, and I think it's awesome. Mainly because I go to BYU, so I totally get it. Here's what I think, I am totally down with a guy bringing me brownies or trying to be my friend or whatever, and I would probably date that kid. But that kid never asks me out. It tends to be the kind of jerky, cocky, obnoxious dude who does it because they have the guts. It's not hard to not be in the friend zone. ASK ME ON DATES. But that's just my experience.

Lisa said...

You know, I really don't think it's the caring part that gets those guys into the "friend zone." Those guys that don't treat girls well... the reason they get the girls is because of their confidence! And they're charming. A lot of the nice guys just don't make the move. And if he doesn't make a move, but is too timid to really put himself out there, then a girl will assume that he must just like her as a friend. She then will feel she must categorize him in "the friend zone."