I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.

9/15/2012 The Lady 6 Comments

I do declare that this semester's turnover has done me some good, bless all these men for deciding to move into my ward. However, it is much too soon to say exactly what will come of it. 

In the meantime, something wicked this way did come. 

Oh, alright. Wicked is much too strong of an adjective. Perplexing is a better word, though much less poetic. 

The Preacher. A giant ball of perplexity in my life. Undeterred by any awkward moments on my part (which abound), The Preacher has continued to make advances. But let it be known that I do not mind his company. He is wonderfully intelligent and good-humored and I enjoy his company in my circle of friends. Unfortunately, I am not in anyway attracted to him. Not even in the most insignificant of ways. He does such strange things and he mumbles. I cannot abide mumbling. Being hard of hearing (incredibly so), I do not have any desire to spend years of my life squawking, "What?!" Having to do so makes me feel foolish and as though The Preacher finds me somewhat empty-headed. Let me assure you, my head is full, so full in fact that it interferes with my ability to hear. 

Last Friday night, The Preacher called me, but because I was in the middle of a very exciting book, I ignored the call. Guilt, as it often does, overrode my desire to keep reading (Oh my word, I just realized how sad that sounds. I was reading on a Friday night, not even gossiping with my roommates. I need to get out more.) so I listened to The Preacher's voice-mail. He was bored (I can't imagine being bored while reading The Odyssey for fun. Who's the nerd now?!) and wanted to hang out that instant. Knowing that I absolutely did not wish to spend my entire Friday night alone with The Preacher (when I could be reading), I quickly called another of my guy friend's and begged for a small way to escape. I have very faithful friends. So I called The Preacher and told him that I was going over to John's (uninventive pseudonym) house and that he was welcome to come along. 

When The Preacher saw me, he quickly embraced me, and when I pulled back I could tell by how tightly he was still holding on to me that I had pulled away much sooner than he had wanted me to. Oh, the horror! I spent the night in a crowd of boys, myself being the only girl, which normally would have been delightful, but it was not that night. My head was a'buzz with worry about The Preacher. His goodbye hug to me that night was just as lingering as the first. 

He asked me out for this weekend, but fortunately I already had plans. I feel quite awful about The Preacher in reality. He is such a wonderful person, but is just one of those guys. You know the ones. They are great, kind, and just simply good, but they're just not for you. I have no idea what to do. I am reluctant to tell him that I am not interested in him because I don't want to hurt him and ruin our friendship or have him deny that he has any interest in me whatsoever. Awkward.

Help me my dear strangers. How do I discourage The Preacher from any sort of amorous hope while still maintaining a friendship?

Con Amor,
The Lady

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Anonymous said...

Hmmm. An interesting conundrum. Might this be another Dex? You weren't attracted to him and he was smitten by you. Eventually it all blossomed and was wonderful, no? Hard to say what to do here...keep on keeping on! ;)

Sarah said...
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Sarah said...

So . . . I'm kind of noticing a pattern of this with you and some of the men folk. Mr. Collins, now the Preacher. Honestly, this situation is easily but awkwardly remedied. Whenever you encounter a guy (man, boy, whatever noun you use) who is attempting to court you but who you would never consider seriously dating, you should be up front with them. Don't play games. Don't come up with excuses. Don't try to invite your friends. Don't throw out subtle hints. Don't make up a boyfriend. Just tell them. It is rude to do all of the other things I listed; it is not rude to be honest. The absolute rudest thing of all is to go on dates with a guy you have zero to negative interest in. Guys are spending time and money on you, and you are letting them waste it when they could be spending it on someone who might reciprocate their feelings.

Girls do the meanest thing of all by not being honest with guys. Girls always say they don't want to tell the guy they aren't interested because it would be mean; I think that actually translates into them thinking of themselves and how it would make them look or make them feel--not how the young gentlemen in question is affected or feeling.

So, if he asks you out again, or if he texts you incessantly, calls you more than once a week to hang out--put it to him straight. If he's doing these things, he's pursuing you and it calls for you telling him that you don't like him that way. Say that you can hang out as friends. It's short, quick, awkward, and over.

You can still stay friends after saying something awkward like that. There might be a brief period of reprieve, or maybe you won't stay friends. Here's something to think about though, there will probably be only one serious, lasting, close friendship that you'll keep with a guy, and that will be your husband. Not that you can't have guy friends. Not that you shouldn't have guy friends. Just that, once you get married, you don't hang out with your guy friends, and you probably don't call them and talk to them on a regular basis. And if/when he gets married...I can almost guarantee that he won't be trying to hang out with you or call you. Is keeping his friendship for now more important than giving him the opportunity to find a girl that he could be best friends with forever?

Anonymous said...

Just punch him in the face.

No but really if girls acted as Sarah suggested above, I would be so much more inclined to ask out girls. I am more afraid of wasting my time than getting rejected.

Marigold said...

Do you REALLY want to be his friend? You can love people and wish them well without liking them or enjoying their company. Don't make life harder than it needs to be.

Nina said...

I have a situation sort of similar to this. A gentleman in one of my classes interpreted all my friendliness as flirtiness. He was sweet and nice, but I didn't think he was the right guy for me. He asked me out on one date, which I accepted on the off chance that I was misjudging him. The date was fun, but I just wasn't feeling it, so the whole time I emphasized 'friend' as much as possible. Afterward, I still kept emphasizing 'friend', and if he asked me out again I planned to tell him I wasn't interested in being anything else. Thankfully summer break happened, and I escaped without his phone number, but I keep running into him, and he's always very effusive in his excitement at seeing me, and I'm a little terrified he'll ask me. If you find a way out of this, make sure you let us know. I certainly could use the help!