The Break
For those of you who "like" The Anti-Austen on Facebook (which should be all of you that have Facebooks, in my opinion), you may have noticed that last week I posted a status mentioning that I had a bit of news for all of you.And for those of you who read the status and thought Ohmygosh she must be ENGAGED!, I'm sorry to let you down. The news is actually quite the opposite. Also, I want to apologize to The Skeptic, who said "Know that it is stories like this that allow me to retain some hope and faith in love and dating and all that. Otherwise, I'd be very done by now." I do hope you don't give up on "love and dating and all that" quite yet. And I'd like to apologize to The LimeGreen Goddess, Mr. Dir's sister, who is going to find out about this via blogpost because I didn't have the heart to tell her.
Mr. Director and I have broken up.
I'm sure that was quite unexpected, given the nature of my last two posts.
Okay, okay, so before you start weeping and wailing and gnashing your teeth, I guess I should clarify. Technically it's a "break."
But I think breaks are stupid, so for all intents and purposes I am saying that we broke up.
It's actually something that we've been talking about for a while (or, I should say, Mr. Dir has been talking about for a while). I guess I can't be too mad at him, since I actually made The Ex go through a break as well. And since Mr. Dir and I are surprisingly similar, it really shouldn't have come as a surprise to me that he thought a break would be a good idea. (A year and a half ago, I also thought a break would be a fantastic idea. That is, until I experienced one and realized that they suck/don't work. I guess I probably deserve to experience what I put The Ex through.)
Anyways, here is a brief summary of Mr. Dir's rationale:
1. Our relationship hasn't been perfect. There have been a lot of days when things just seemed off and we couldn't figure out what was wrong. As Mr. Dir pointed out, we can't keep doing the same thing and expect different results; i.e., we've tried to just "push through" everything and it hasn't fixed those little issues.
2. We both have some doors that need to be closed. If we really want to take our relationship to a more serious level, we need to make sure there aren't any other people creating little "what-if"s in our minds. (For me, that door is labeled "The Ex.")
3. Mr. Dir said that he wants to be "100% sure" and he thinks that this break will help.
If you're already picking apart these arguments, know that that is exactly what I've been doing for the past week. It also doesn't help that EVERY SINGLE PERSON I talk to has their own reason for why a "break" is a bad idea.
My Counter-Arguments to Mr. Dir's reasons:
(I wish I'd thought these out back when he first suggested a break)
1. Relationships are about growing and experiencing things together, and so they need to be worked on together to make them stronger. They can't be worked on separately. Not seeing or speaking to someone is not a relationship. So, obviously, you can't "fix" things in a relationship if it doesn't even exist.
2. I do agree that we need to close those doors, but dating other people is a very easy way to open doors rather than close them.
3. How can you be sure about someone when you don't spend any time with them? If you want to be "sure" about someone, you need to spend time getting to know them on many different levels. A lack of contact for a month doesn't facilitate this deeper level of "knowing."
Oh yeah, did I mention that this break is scheduled to be a MONTH?!
Sure, he said that he might show up at my door halfway through, but still. Will it really take him a whole month to ascertain what his feelings are for me?
So despite the fact that I am very much opposed to breaks, I decided I'd be willing to do this for him because he really thinks it will help. He's quite insistent that we will get back together, but every day I feel like I'm less and less sure. It's hard not being able to talk to him--without knowing what he's thinking, the paranoid side of me freaks out and worries that he's already given me up.
Honestly, it just hurts to think that someone who says they love you would be willing to put you out of their life for an entire month.
Luckily, however, my self-esteem hasn't taken too much of a blow. This is largely due to the fact that everyone's reaction when they hear about the break has been one of two things (usually both):
1. "Oh Charmer, I'm so sorry to hear that."
2. "Mr. Director is an idiot."
The funniest comment was when my friend The Graduate found out. He responded, "Well, you just made a lot of boys in Provo happy."
This statement has, in fact, been demonstrated by the fact that I had one date last Friday, one lunch date today (actually with The Ex...but hey, I'm trying to close that door, right?!), and another date tonight.
So it's not like I'm not just sitting around moping.
But it still seriously sucks. And instead of finding myself more in love with each passing day, I've found myself getting more irritated every day. Every day, Mr. Dir's reasons for the break seem wimpier and wimpier. And with every additional person who tells me the break is stupid or that Mr. Dir is an idiot, it's starting to really get to my head. I just can't envision running back into his arms at the end of the month with the attitude that is currently growing in me. A month is a long time. I worry that it could be sufficient time for my feelings for him to cool...possibly enough to allow someone else to get a foot in the door.
(Which maybe means that he shouldn't be a permanent installment in my life if it only takes me a month to push him out of it. So I guess if I do get over him it might be a good thing, since we probably couldn't have worked out for eternity if all it took was a month for me to forget him.)
And I don't even know if his daily calendar reminders will be enough to keep me googoo-eyed until March. (He hacked into my Gmail calendar so that every day, it gives me a reminder about something we did on that date in a previous month. For example, the first one I got on Feb 2 said, On this day 3 months ago we went into the Pendulum Court and ordered everything on the menu. We discovered that we had met a year before without even knowing it.)
Anyways, that's probably enough bitterness and teenage-style angst for one post.
The unfortunate thing about this blog being anonymous is that we can't all have a big girls' night where we eat rocky road ice cream and watch The Bachelor and laugh at how pathetic other peoples' love lives are. But know that you are all invited to my little apartment any time.
With a Less-Giddy-Than-Usual Ciao,
The Charmer
22 comments:
I'm sorry :( *virtual hug*
Wow, that is super hard. :( I think the worst is when you both differ on something kind of important, just how you and Mr. Dir are differing the good qualities of a break. Also I would like to say that differing on very important things is one of the biggest parts of a relationship. I admire you a ton for how well you're taking this, because the break is obviously Mr. Dir's idea and you're kind of against it. But you respected him enough to do it. I can tell you're worried that this is going to end up as a break up, and it truly could for all you know. But let's face it, if Mr. Director thinks that this break is for the best, thinks that you'll both get back together, and is having your calendar give your reminders of something you both did together on a day of the month, it does not sound like it's heading towards a break up. Pretty sure he's thinking the opposite. Don't worry, it's going to be okay. Just remember it's your choice. If you decide to try and get over him during this month, and it does end up in a break-up, you'll probably end up being the less hurt one in the end. But if it doesn't, you might miss out on a great opportunity and an awesome guy. Don't prepare yourself for the worst possible situation when you could be preparing yourself for the best possible situation.
And also, don't forget that you can always talk to the man upstairs as much as you want. He wants you to be happy and he's going to make sure you get the best life you can possibly get. :) Good luck! (and I'm really sorry if that was long or if you didn't want to hear advice. I wasn't trying to be preachy, just trying to help :))
so that's why i watch the bachelor....
Oh, darling. You don't need to apologize. The fact that these things happen at all are enough to keep me going. Knowing that people like you can keep believing and make connections is enough for me. It's just that I haven't been on a date in over a year, and sometimes doubt love even exists. So you're STILL helping.
As for the rest of the post, all I know is that things work out. I know that's no good to hear now, but it's absolutely true. Just trust that everything will turn out right. God's steering, and He knows what He's doing. I'm learning everyday to just let Him work. I wish you the best.
To echo the words of the greatest travelers of this great nation's super highways "Just keep on truckin'." I say that in jest, but it works for this case.
You've got a great perspective in my opinion on this case, just keep moving forward and something great things will come out of this event.
Charmer,
I happen to know Mr. Director pretty well, and I really wish you could see what I’ve been seeing. Mr. Director misses you. You should see the poor kid. He’s told me several times how much he wants things to work out with you and him, how excited he is to see you again, how he’s remembering why he fell in love with you, and how much he wants to work this out ASAP. That’s why he did this. Because he loves you, and he honestly thinks it’s for the best. I don’t think it would make him feel good that everyone, including you, are calling him an “idiot” or saying that he is “putting you out of his life”, all because he's trying to make it work. Do you trust him at all? I’ll make sure he doesn’t see this post, because it’d probably really hurt him.
Anyways, I’ll make sure Mr. Director doesn’t do anything stupid. But if I was a betting man, I’d say you’ve got really REALLY good odds that Mr. Director wants you back. Don’t let others affect your attitude so much. Just remember why he’s doing this. Apparently you did it before too, so give him a break :)
Toodles!
Mr. Producer
So this one time my now husband thought a break would be good while we were dating. I thought it was stupid. Everything kind of came to a head and we ended up breaking up (his decision). It then took him about 3 weeks to realize all the silly things he had been doing/thinking and ask me to get back together with him. I was wary, of course, since he broke my heart and all...but then we got engaged and got married. Sometimes the break is more for the sake of the breaker than the breakee. Sometimes they need to realize what an idiot they've been. But, I will say that I don't think breaks are necessary; they do occasionally work out though. Best of luck! Enjoy life as much as possible in the mean time and maybe post a happy facebook status or two cuz I'm sure he's facebook stalking you, heh.
Charmer,
By all means, let's go get some rocky road ice cream and watch The Bachelor.
But as crazy as this may sound, I agree with Mr. Producer. I think Mr. Director has the best of intentions and even though at the moment, it may seem like a wimpy cop out, he is doing it for the right reason. It isn't probably the best solution to fixing problems, but you at least know he cares about you enough to want to figure these things out.
So I say, stop listening to everyone else. Not everyone knows the full extent of the situation. This is between you and Mr. Director. As much as a world of well-meaning friends and blog readers are trying to help, what they doesn't really matter. Even what I say doesn't matter (which is nearly blasphemy...). You'll figure this out.
I apologize for this ridiculously long comment.
Love,
The Lady
P.S. I can't figure out how to change my name on my google account, so yeah...
I totally did that to my now-husband. I wanted to make sure that I was in it for all the right reasons and not because he was convenient (shared a class or two, similar schedules, etc.). He was opposed, but let me have my way. It probably wasn't my best idea, but I came out of it (early, I might add ha ha) knowing without a doubt that I didn't want to spend another day without him and I couldn't bear the thought of working through any problem--big or small-- without him by my side. Frustrating as your situation is, give him time and a little space. And don't listen to us. Or anyone else. :)
Okay, okay, I can kind of understand the break idea... but to me 'scheduling' a break is a tad ridiculous. I dunno. Just... be careful. We love you, and we love Mr. Dir, but I agree with you on most of your points, and from my experience, 'breaks' never work. Good luck my dear.
I regularly remind myself of something my mother and dad tell me. Love is a choice. I mean, there are compatibility factors, but not only can you fall in love with almost anyone, you can fall out of love with anyone if you don't choose to love them. What do you want?
Good luck, I'll pray for you.
Charmer, we love you! Whatever happens, I wish you all the happiness in the world...even if that sounds ridiculously cheesy :) Don't give up yet, it sounds like he really is trying to do what he thinks is best! Also, you know your heart better than anyone else--don't worry about what anyone else says. Love you oodles!
Charmer, we love you! Whatever happens, I wish you all the happiness in the world...even if that sounds ridiculously cheesy :) Don't give up yet, it sounds like he really is trying to do what he thinks is best! Also, you know your heart better than anyone else--don't worry about what anyone else says. Love you oodles!
Well, a month will give you time to clear your head, really look at your relationship, and eat some ice-cream. Best of luck, dear.
All I can say is pray. Pray guidance, pray for help. He will answer. He is listening and understands the whole picture. You will find a solution and solace in whatever the solution may be through pray.
Dump him.
If you're worried about someone else getting their foot in the door, isn't that a sign of how you feel?...
for intents and purposes......***
Oooook anonymous, there's no need to be a grammar snob...
Wow. Yeah, that was bad. Thanks for catching that. ;)
But what do you expect? I am a heartbroken wreck (along with being deathly ill). I think when I first published this post it also said, "...you may have noticed last WEAK I posted..."
And thanks for all the comments, btw. They really are quite helpful.
I feel like true love=true peace. So, regardless of if you decide to give him another chance or to move on, if you feel peace, then it is right. (Also, give yourself permission to be in pain. If you'd just literally had your heart cut into you'd take a month off of life, I don't think figurative pain should require any less tenderness with yourself)
I've done the whole "break thing" with a past boyfriend...we actually did it 3x. It didn't work out for us.
However, I'm doing it now with a different boy, and while the circumstances are VERY different and it's not completely our choice to be on said break, it is totally strengthening our relationship. Granted, it's not the truest of breaks...but I still can tell all the good it is doing for our relationship. I wish you the best! Breaks can be the worst, or they can lead to the best thing ever. :o) best of luck!
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