Public Advisory

8/19/2011 The Lady 4 Comments

In my studies, I have discovered that many women suffer from a disease which, despite varying symptoms, can be categorized as one common ailment.


The term analyze comes from the French word analyser, which means "to dissect" or "to examine closely".

This peculiar epidemic only claims the female sex as its victims. The males of the human species may occasionally suffer from one or two {very rarely three or four} of the most common symptoms of over-analyzeitis, but it is physically impossible for males to fully contract the disease. The worst cases result in severe shock, and serious delusions of either grandeur or failure.

Anciently, it was believed that the disease was caused by an imbalance of the four humors contained in the spleen, but recent research has made clear that the disease is simply caused by an over-active mind. However, an imbalance of hormones, or excessive hormones may cause any certain case to become more severe.

The most common of symptoms are as follows:

  • Severe anxiety
  • Constantly being on the brink of tears
  • Deducing that a man is in love with you if he talks to you somewhat frequently
  • Sudden fits of anger towards one man in particular or men in general
  • Incessant muttering and mumbling
  • An increased desire to use profane language
  • Extreme dedication to Facebook stalking
  • Concluding that if the desired male specimen in question becomes friends with any other female that is remotely attractive, then he must be interested in her
  • That the desired male specimen in question means more or less than what he precisely expresses
  • The belief that any contact with another woman means that the man in question is interested in making her his eternal companion
  • An expressed desire to go on a date by any of the male species is interpreted as a proposal of marriage
  • Excessive day-dreaming
  • A hyper-consciousness of one man's words and actions, no matter how insignificant
  • Distorted and unrealistic assumptions of a man's intentions
  • Intense cravings for chocolate
  • Lack of desire to eat
  • False hopes
  • A tendency to assume to worst
  • An acute need to express one's feelings to roommates, sisters, mothers, other friends, or random strangers
This is not a comprehensive list of all of the symptoms that may result from over-analyzeitis. Each case of this dangerous disease is uniquely tailored to its victim.

As there is no known cure for over-analyzeitis, one must be wary and ever mindful of its symptoms. If you feel as though you are developing a severe case of over-analyzeitis, please comply with the following words of counsel:

  • Do your best to remain calm
  • Limit your time on Facebook and avoid going out of your way to notice the activity of any particular male
  • Practice deep breathing
  • Limit your interactions with the opposite sex for any desired amount of time {if marriage is still the aim, this period away from men should not exceed one week's time}
  • Follow any temptations to exercise and get fresh air

If the above advice does not aid your ailments, refer to your favorite Jane Austen novel or movie {Little Women, Anne of Green Gables, and North and South are also acceptable} or contact your local Anti-Austen.

I recently contracted a severe bout of over-analyzeitis which may have included all of the above symptoms. Needless to say, I am taking the weekend to recover.

Hoping you are all well and healthy.

Con Amor,
The Coquette

"A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment." -Jane Austen

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Jori said...

I seriously lol'd when I was reading this, but only because it is SO TRUE. I will be the first to admit that I definitely suffer from this (often more than I'd like to admit). I will definitely take your advice to heart :)

Lora said...

This wouldn't have anything to do with Mr. Rival would it.....ha ha ha. Best of luck curing you're case of over-analyzetitis {I heard Ben and Jerry's helps} :)

Heidi said...

There are at least 4 or 5 things on your list that I have been and am currently guilty of. I agree, it's our plight as women

Kelli said...

Thank you for this post! Now I know that there are others like me.

I can know go confidently throughout the rest of my life knowing that I AM NOT ALONE in my suffering.