Next to being married, a girl likes to be crossed in love a little now and then.
Permit me to cut to the chase.
I am at a loss at how to approach this post. I can scarcely write coherent sentences. My facade may seem calm and indifferent, but I am frantic. I am anxious. I am scared. These are not gently tickling butterflies, my stomach is a raging volcano. You may call it indigestion, but I call it a severe case of nerves. I would love nothing more than to run off to the willowwacks to live as a hermit. Oh how I ache for sweet seclusion.
And why do I feel this way you may ask?
Mr. Rival returns home from his mission today.
And just who is Mr. Rival?
Allow me to provide some enlightenment:
Mr. Rival started it all. Or ended it all rather. He was the last man to be of any romantic significance in my life before the Two Year Hiatus began. We were friends for an extended period of time before his mission. We had a quirky sort of relationship {friendship} which was the result of us having attended rival high schools. A rivalry that has existed since 1904 mind you. We felt it was our responsibility, nay, our duty to keep this ancient rivalry at a healthy level. I recall that we even attempted to not be friends at one time, but we concluded that that was taking the rivalry a bit too far. Our friendship was built on a foundation of unalterable competition. Yes, it was immature, but good heavens it was a good time.
A few months before Mr. Rival left for Central America, we discovered that our friendship went much deeper than just plain and simple friendship. It was miles deeper than rivalry. To complicate things, Mr. Rival kissed me just a mere week before he entered the Missionary Training Center. Perhaps that uncomplicated things. He was a missionary. There could be nothing between us.
But we have been writing each other steadily for two years. Let me clarify before you get any crazed ideas: I did not in any way "wait for" Mr. Rival. I just happened to not get married/engaged/date anyone during the two years he has been gone. But that all ends today. Mr. Rival returns to real life today. {Not that a mission is not real life, but you understand what I meant}. And I do not know where I stand. I know that the friendship that is established between Mr. Rival and myself is sure. I at least know that. Other than this? I know nothing.
These two years have provided us with an opportunity to know each other in ways that perhaps would not have been possible if certain happenstances hadn't occurred. I know him more deeply than I ever thought possible, and he knows me more intensely than he ever meant to. He is one of the dearest people in my life, and I know he cares for me. He's the sort who is uncharacteristically kind and yet sarcastic to a fault. He doesn't like to be sitting around without any work to do, but at the same time loves to just sit back and escape the world through a movie. He's the kind of guy who adores The Beatles and quotes Hamlet. He's incredibly simple, he loves ranch dressing and grape jelly {not together} and hates orange juice with pulp. Sometimes his simplicity makes him one of the most complicated of men. He's innately good and a spiritual power-house. Oh, how I wish you all knew him. Scratch that. If you all knew him, you would all want to marry him. I hope you never meet him. Sorry.
In one of his many letters, Mr. Rival did make me promise that I would go on a date with him when he returned. But with the way my luck is going {or goes}, dates are about as valuable as pieces of used Scotch tape. I just feel so unbelievably uncertain, and being the control freak that I am, I cannot stand it. I am even at a loss at what I want to happen. It would be incredibly uncomplicated if Mr. Rival returned and just told me he wasn't interested. I've handled the heartache of such disappointments. It wouldn't be so bad. It would be much harder if the fool actually cared for me. If he decided that he wanted us to be more than the friends we always have been. And yet I fear losing opportunities.
It's complicated. I do not know if or when I will see him, although he returns today. And if we did decide to make a something out of all of this, could we handle the many miles that separate us?
But I suppose that this decision does not rest with me. At least not yet. I must be patient. The ball is in Mr. Rival's court so to speak, but oh how much easier this game would be if I was playing alone.
Con Amor,
The Coquette
3 comments:
I think I kind of know how you feel, in a way. I've only been on 5 dates in my life and hadn't been asked out in over 3 years, but this last monday night, I got asked out on a date for Friday. This guy is actually someone I think is cute (I've never been asked out by someone I actually liked before now). I honestly thought he would never ask me out, and he goes to BYU so he is going to be leaving for school in a few weeks, and I thought he would just leave and I would be able to forget about him (at least for awhile). Now I'm super nervous. I know it's just a date,but it's making me excited and scared at the same time, and I've definitely had similar thoughts that it would be easier if I was still just left on my own and dateless, because I deal with that all the time. But this nervousness about going on a date? It's hard to make it go away, and frankly, I don't know if I like the feeling. Sorry for such a long comment!
Why are we the same person? My Mr. Rival comes home in 8 weeks.... best friends, never meant to wait, haven't dated anybody in two years. How is it that somehow you want it to work more than anything and at the exact same moment we fear losing opportunity? I will never expect men to understand women. I don't understand me, or the greater part of the female population. If you want to vent and your roommates are sick of it, girl I'm here. Keep us updated on how that goes.
Wow, sorry for the novelcomment.
Taylor Ann, I love your novelcomment. How creepy is it for me to feel that we are kindred spirits? Maybe I just overly appreciate someone being in the same boat as myself. Thanks again! And good luck.
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