The Ghosts of Ex-Boyfriends Past

8/03/2011 The Romantic 6 Comments

Most RM sisters have told me what a trial it will be the 6 weeks before I go into the MTC, with all the boys that will want to date me. I find it highly ironic that not only is this NOT happening, but I seem to be more awkward around men than ever! I can't even imagine how I'll be after I get back.

If only it was September 7th already...

Oh, what was that you asked? You're wondering how my farewell went?

Well, I shall tell you. Aside from the normal nerves of giving a talk, I was petrified all weekend about seeing Sweater Guy. But I just decided that if I remained cool, calm, and collected. All would be well.

As my 1:30 Sacrament Meeting start time approached, the palms of my hands got clammier and clammier. And then I just told myself that Sweater Guy probably wouldn't come anyway. It wouldn't be the first time he let me down. The opening hymn was sung, many of my friends were sitting in the audience. But no Sweater Guy.
And then, to my utter embarrassment, he shows up 20 minutes late, swaggering in the back with his best friend. They were wearing matching ties. I'm still not quite sure why. But the worst of it was Sweater Guy's MULLET. Some sort of obvious stunt to make me think he was really funny. Why did I not see him for the hipster he was!?!
Well, I didn't think it was funny. And I also didn't think it was funny that he was sitting in the back, goofing off with his best friend while I was speaking.
He waited patiently for his turn to talk to me after the meeting was over. But people kept cutting in front of him, and I made no effort to stop them.
I finally greeted him with a "Thank you so much for coming!"
And that was that.
I really dodged a bullet there. The door is shut on Sweater Guy forever I'm happy to say!

Monday morning dawned and I was in a fantastic mood. I signed onto Facebook. And what do I have but a message from Mr. Advice. My very first boyfriend. The one I almost married.
(insert gulping sound here)

Here is an excerpt of what he wrote:

I feel scared and sick sometimes when I think of how things went with us. I know we weren't right for each other. You sensed that before I did. But even so, you gave me so much. I hate to think I took from you. I still feel that those memories should be good memories instead of what they feel like now. I loved those times and I want to always cherish them. But I don't feel allowed to. Maybe that is how it should be but I wish it wasn't. I'm sorry if this is inappropriate. It very well might be. But this is how I feel. I'm sorry. I can't regret too many things because I am happy but if it was at the expense of others, you, well that can be hard to accept some nights.

He also congratulated me on my call and said that I will be a blessing to the people in Korea. You might think that I was torn up inside at hearing from him. But indeed, dear readers, I was not. We dated two years ago. And although all my boyfriends now have to live with the shadow of the perfect boyfriend that he was, I really have come to terms with the fact that he married someone else.

Do you want to know what I wrote back? Well, ok. Here it goes, but just for the sake of your curiosity.

Thank you so much for this letter. I understand how much courage it must have taken for you to send it to me.
We had always talked about me going on a mission. Remember? So I'm glad that you found out in some way. I had hoped that you would.

I really want you to never regret any portion of our relationship. You were such a good boyfriend. And so right for me at that time in my life.

But I am not that little girl anymore.

It hasn't been easy for me to get to this point, but I can honestly say that I am completely at peace with everything that happened. The only real regret I have are some of the things I said in anger. And I am sorry for that. I realize now that you handled things in the most delicate, tactful way possible. Your wife, from what I understand, is so perfect for you. And everything that I couldn't be or give. I wish you both the most blissful happiness the world has to offer. Really, and truly, I'm saying that with all the honesty I have in my person.

So rest easy.
I am happy.

I hope this gives you the closure you need! Don't worry about me! I'm happy you think of me as a fond memory from your distant past. That's how it should be. Please share this letter with your wife. I wouldn't want to have it any other way. She brought you happiness at a dark time in your life, and has now illuminated it with a great brightness that glows brighter than wattage I can muster.
Be happy.
Have lots of hippie babies.
And please, don't stop creating; especially joy in those around you. That was always your greatest talent.


So, I guess I have closure. Who would've thought a mission would be what does it? (I find this song most appropriate)

I apologize for the novel of a post dear readers. I've been thinking lately that maybe the subjects of my posts have just become too personal, and that perhaps it disturbs the privacy of those I write about. But when I read your emails of support and love, the ones that thank me for being an inspiration, I can't not write.

Hopefully, I'll find a man one day who's ok with a woman that writes...

Happy Wednesday readers!
-the Romantic