To Pursue or Be Pursued: That is the Question

4/01/2012 The Blue Stocking 10 Comments

Last week I got this comment from a reader, “If a guy isn't trying his best to have you, then he probably isn't the best for you?...”

I’ve now spent a week thinking about it in connection with dear Mr. Bingley and I’ve realized there is a choice we must all make concerning the person we like: are we to pursue or wait to be pursued?

Lately things with Bingley are not what you would call ideal. Our relationship started with him picking and choosing when to talk to me at social functions and I believed this erratic behavior would cease once we got to know each other through our various dates.

I was wrong.

I feel like I’ve used the word confusing so many times this month that it has lost its meaning.

My roommates—the careful observers of the situation—have split and firmly sided on either the pursue team or the be pursued team.

The first side believes that I am playing it too cool and the boy has no idea what to do with me. They think that little ol’ me has the capacity to intimidate Bingley, and I need to put myself out there more. The course of action they’ve prescribed is a girl ask guy date. This makes me want to die inside...

The second side believes his behavior is unacceptable. This fellow should know better than play silly mind game, like his favorite “I’ll go to church and never speak to the girl I’ve gone on dates with for almost two months” {I for one am not a fan of that game}. Instead, they believe that I deserve to be pursued and anything less than that will simply not do.

Here’s where I stand. I think that yes, I do play it cool, but not without good reason. If a boy doesn’t have the decency to return a text message—by far the laziest form of communication-- then I should not be expected to hang all over him.

But I feel like for weeks I’ve been precariously walking the dating tightrope that straddles the pursuing side and the be pursued side, and all the while I’m praying that I don’t fall and mess everything up.

Ultimately, I hate feeling like I’m eagerly waiting for him to realize he likes me and once he does he can come running into my open arms. I deserve to be wooed. I deserve to be won over. I deserve better than this.

The romantically inclined,

Blue Stocking

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Anonymous said...

He took you on a date every Friday for two months and you haven't returned the favor?

Sarah said...

I think you are fine. I don't agree with Anonymous #1. Just because a guy takes you on several dates doesn't mean you have to ask him out on one. If you are interested, you let him know by going out of your way to talk to him (I believe you have done this) and in other ways show him you are interested. There is no obligation for you to ask him on a date. I think he is being very confusing by asking you out so much and then not talking to you.

Anonymous said...

Confusing! I'm in both camps. Ha ha. So maybe not ask him on a date, but invite him to a party? Finals soon, after all. Could push him into deciding which camp he's in. ;) Good luck!

Marigold said...

There are all sorts of people. If your desire is to be wooed, there will be a man who will woo you. And there will be a girl for Bingley who doesn't necessarily want to be wooed. Choose whether you want to wait or change what you want.

I, for one, have decided that I deserve to be loved with a man's whole being, and, not expecting perfection, I won't settle for less. I'm just getting a major lesson in patience.

Pascal said...

I agree that you should be pursued. In my personal experience, it makes both parties happier when the man does the pursuing and the woman is pursued. It's coded into our genes or something.

My problem is always… what if he really doesn't know? What if he really would like me if he thought I was interested? This generally leads to me dithering back and forth about whether or not he likes me and overanalyzing absolutely every shred of data (a miserable experience, I assure you) until I decide I absolutely have to know. "What ifs" are the bane of my existence. So I come up with a last ditch effort--something I can do that he would have to be thicker than mud to not realize I liked him. And after I do it, I wash my hands of the matter. I've done everything I can, the ball is officially in his court, and if he does nothing about it I take it to mean he's not interested--and I move on.

So my recommendation would be, if you like this guy, and you think he might like you but be holding back because you're playing it cool, then do something about it. Ask him on a date. And then if he still doesn't make a move, let him go.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes the girl has to put herself out there. I say go ahead and ask him on a date or invite him to a party over for dinner. Whats the worst thing that can happen?

Once a girl asked me out and I enjoyed it, regret everyday not pursuing her. What I am trying to say is guys don't over think things. We are too narrow-minded, too busy studying for finals, trying to get into medical/dental school. Sometimes a girl just has to get in our way.

Eleanor Dashwood said...

My dear Blue Stocking, you do indeed deserve to be wooed. And if he lacks the decency to talk to you, then you deserve better than him. You deserve a man who'll pine after you.

Anonymous said...

Do people not understand that guys aren't made out of money? Unless they're rich (and, let's face it, there aren't many rich college students), they aren't going to be able to take girls on good dates every single week. Plus they have homework and tests as well. Don't forget about that.

Carmen said...

I think the Blue Stocking made it clear that he was doing great when it came to asking her on dates. The problem is he ignores her in public and doesn't act interested. No girl expects a fancy date every week, but we do expect a guy to acknowledged our presence.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree. The issue is he ignores you when he sees you in public. You may just walk up to him in your next public encounter and see how he acts. If he ignores you or acts distant then he is not a true gentleman and not worthy of you further consideration.