Forgiveness and Old Boyfriends

1/07/2013 The Blue Stocking 8 Comments

The past couple of weeks I’ve been thinking about the idea of forgiveness and where ex-boyfriends figure in. And by thinking about it I mean everywhere I go someone is speaking on the importance of forgiving. Ok ok, I GET IT.

I’ve always hoped I would be the kind of person who could forgive someone for anything. You accidently ran over my dog? Forgiven. You trashed the kitchen AND didn’t clean it up. Forgiven. You borrowed my favorite book without asking?. It’s pushing it, but, forgiven. 

But for some reason I’ve never really forgiven the guys in my life. Ok maybe just one specific guy. 

The more I think about it the more I realize that I don’t even know how forgiveness factors in with old boyfriends. The classic phrase is to forgive and forget, but wouldn’t forgetting be the opposite of learning a lesson? The time I spend with him taught me so many important things, but it also brought me to the realization that I never want to see, speak, or hear from him again. 

So where does forgiveness factor in? 

I have a lot of resolutions this year. I have the usuals: work out, eat better, don’t procrastinate; the unusuals: stop killing my hair with my dyeing shenanigans, read every book known to man, stop chipping my nail polish off…but the one I want to achieve the most is to somehow find a way to forgive my ex and just move on.
Wish me luck

-The Bluestocking

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Anonymous said...

I almost feel like it's ok to never speak to them again. I don't think that anyone should just forget.

flutefairy said...

I really struggle with this too ... I even tell myself that I've forgiven them, but deep down there is still a frustration that often lingers. It seems that sometimes I have to heal from the pain before I can move on. Any-which-way, best of luck.

Krista said...

For me, the first thing I have to do is figure out what it is I can't forgive them for. Most of the time it is just one or two specific things, not their whole person. It makes it seem more manageable to me.

Marigold said...

I think the key is that forgiveness really isn't about the other person. It has taken me 2 years to forgive my ex. It came in stages. Really, what it came down to was allowing myself to heal and believe that I AM worth a relationship and that life is just as beautiful as it was before he broke my heart. I found that as I held onto these insecurities and lies that were carving through my heart and soul and personality, I held on more tightly to the blame I put on him for all of it. It took more than "I forgive you." It took an "I forgive you" twice. It took an "I forgive him" countless times. It takes "I forgive and believe in myself" still today to still forgive him. I'm not trying to be preachy, but that feeling of hurt and bitterness and worthlessness ate up two years of my life. I hope that this would help someone let it go just a little sooner than that. And let it be known: I'm still healing. It's a form of growth, really.

Anonymous said...

Forgive and Forget does not mean forgive them and forget them. It means to forgive them and forget the pain and the hurt they caused you. It is important for us to learn from past relationships. It teaches us a lot about ourselves and what we want our future relationships to be like. However, in order to truly forgive an ex, you have to forget the anger, frustration, hurt, pain, and whatever other feelings are there. You have to be able to remember them as a good experience in your life; something you may not wish to repeat, but something you are thankful for.

My advice in forgiving an ex is to pray for them. And that may sound cliche, but honestly, that is how I have found the most peace. Pray for them until you can honestly say to yourself that you wish them happiness in their life and then you have forgiven them.

Anonymous said...

Find a time when you can talk to them calmly and rationally. Invite them out to one end of a quite park, and nicely hit them with a brick. There now doesn't that make you feel better :-)

Not the best LSD approach, but you need to understand what the did to you that caused so much pain that you actually smiled at the brick part.

Many times part of the issue is we see a lot of the potential they have and their weaknesses ruin who they could be or we want them to be something they are not or are not capable of becoming that meets our needs or desires.

The first needs our pity, compassion, prayers and hope that they will one day recognize their issues or mistakes and with the Lords help grow and change. The other requires our ability to see how we must grow and understand that our differences can provide us or someone else the possibilities of different perspectives, options and experiences. We date to see if we are compatible for time and all eternity. If we find we are not it did its job.

It is also true that much pain comes from feelings that we were ill used and wasted much time that could have been applied in more fruitful pursuits and or our desire to not be alone any more or suitably matched by this time.

With the help of the Holy Ghost and the atonement is the only true way we can achieve peace and forgiveness.

May it come to you and all of us speedily.

Mr. Bennett

Anonymous said...

It's definitely important to allow our experiences to teach us lessons in life. That is what they're there for--to help us learn, grow, and find out more about ourselves so that we can make the choices that will enable us to be most happy in life.

I don't believe the principle of forgiveness extends so far as to encourage, for example, women to stay in abusive relationships. There comes a point where you are allowed, and I would argue encouraged, to draw the line at how you are treated. If your time with your ex has led you to the point where you are uncomfortable being in his presence, I believe it is perfectly fine for you not to want to be all buddy-buddy with him, or even be around him.

Where forgiveness comes in, then, is in how you view the ex. Perhaps look at the things the relationship taught you about relationships and what is right (or not right) for you. I can guarantee you would have learned something! And then try being grateful to him for teaching you that. Even though the relationship didn't work out and you may have been hurt badly, AT LEAST HE TAUGHT YOU these things you have learned that may one day save you from a potentially unhappy marriage.

So perhaps start with that. I wouldn't force yourself to hang out with him, but start replacing the bitterness in your heart toward him with positive emotions. Gratitude for the lessons learned. For making you a stronger person. Hope that he will one day find the person he is meant to be with, even if that's not you. A genuine love for a fellow child of God who may have done things wrong in his life but who has all the potential in the world to change that around and develop a life for himself with a wife and eternal family. See him as God sees him... and have faith in him. It may take time to view him this way, but that's the closest I can think of to learning a lesson whilst still forgiving.

knowitall said...

Don't pay attention to anyone up there. They don't know. I think you still have a thing for him and are maybe holding out hope that things can still work out. Maybe? ;) Haha Much as I'd like for things to happen for you, I selfishly don't, because your hijinks are hilarious! :D