Gasping for Air

6/27/2011 The Romantic 3 Comments

There was a dark period of my life last summer where I didn't write on the Anti-Austen that much.

Everything was just too personal. And it hurt too much to broadcast all over the internet. But I think I'm ready to finally write about. I actually think I need to in a way. Maybe it will help me heal. Finally. After all these months.

So Sweater Guy. You've heard me mention him, yes?

The real reason our relationship ended, the real reason I deleted him from my life, the real reason that my heart still hurts when I think about him sometimes is that he cheated on me.

There, that's my big secret. I finally told you all, my dear, dear readers and friends who've been so faithful throughout this whole mess I call my dating life.

The thing is, I knew exactly why he did it. I, the girl who understood him better than anyone else, who made him happier than anyone else, knew exactly why he would hurt me the way that he did.

We were getting serious. And he got scared. It was a repeating pattern with him. The "I love you" would barely be on the tip of his lips, and then he'd run away. Quite the coward.

To give you some background, this happened last August, whilst he was on a trip re-visiting his mission. I didn't hear from him hardly the first week he was gone. So I wrote him an email, in my usual playful tone, essentially saying, "Hey, I'm freaking out that I haven't heard from you. But we're ok right?" He sent me an email back saying it was a mistake that we were together. So I called him in Brazil. We talked, he told me he set up a date with one of the girls there.

In a moment of forgiveness (it was actually because I'd watched this video that weekend, too sick to go to church that week), I tried to tell him that I cared about him so much. I told him that if she was what really could make him happy, then I couldn't really be upset if she wanted to be with her. Could I?

Days later he called me. I should mention here that I had to move apartments, and I had come down with pneumonia and bronchitis. I barely got out of bed that week.

He was crying.
Still in Brazil.
He had kissed her.
He felt awful.
He loved me.
He never appreciated me the way that he should have.

Here's the other kicker. I was house sitting his plants and his computer while he was gone.

So he comes back from Brazil. We agree to talk. It's a long drawn out emotional three hour conversation the Sunday before school started.

He told me that if he still felt about me the same way that he did by his next birthday, he would do everything he could to get me back and marry me.

Can you see how emotionally traumatizing this was?

He left a huge ...

I don't really need to tell you all the little in between's that went on. I wrote about enough of those I think.

But the point is,

I ran into him today on campus. Only a few hours ago.

And I don't know if I'm as over him as I thought. I was just telling my room mates last night I haven't really felt that something for any guy since him. (which is one of the many reasons I broke up with Mr. Ute last term)

I think he's been dating someone for quite a few months. I imagine that they're engaged by now, or will be soon. I didn't ask.

I did tell him that my mission papers are in.
It wasn't an awkward run-in. At least not by my standards.
But as I turned and walked into work, my hands were shaking as I reached into my purse to call my room mate. I was hyperventilating for a few seconds as I walked towards the JSB.

This guy was one of my best friends. At one point in my life, he knew me more intimately than anyone else. But I haven't talked to him for six months. I guess it's no wonder seeing him set me shaking.

One ironic thing though, the take home message from this whole experience I guess you could say: This morning during work, before I had seen him, I decided to listen to Elder Scott's fireside from last September. I've been thinking a lot about love and relationships lately, and the way that men should treat women. So I listened to the talk, and I remembered how I felt listening to it last September. I remembered how in the Marriot Center I knew without a doubt that Sweater Guy was not the right guy for me. I deserve and want a man who will treat me the way that Elder Scott treats his sweet Janine.

Sitting here typing this, I'm again getting that sweet confirmation that one day, there will be that guy. There will be that guy who holds me close and tells me he loves me. That guy who will leave me notes, and be happy that I've left them back. That guy who will love kids, and honors his priesthood.

Forget the artsy types.

That's all I'm really looking for.

But, isn't that what every girl is looking for?

-the Romantic