Slow Your Roll

1/04/2012 The Anti-Austen 6 Comments

Hip hip hooray for 2012! May this be a more fruitful year of dating than those previous!

Let me begin by letting you know that when the Anti-Austens invited me to join them, I was thrilled. Then very shortly thereafter I was intimidated, and then concerned. I realized that I likely don't go on as many dates as these lovely ladies, so if I am going to have anything to write about, I'm really going to need to step up my game! Therefore- 2012 has now become my year to be the world's biggest flirt. I've already had to pump myself up by rehearsing "do it for the blog!" in my mind, so I hope you readers know that you are already making me gutsier. Thanks to this newly discovered source of courage and my corresponding attempts to toss inhibition to the wind, I have a story for you. Well two, I don't know, we'll see how many this turns into.

Christmas break. It was uneventful, and short, but it was far from Provo and that was a lovely change. I flew back early for a good friend's wedding and I love flying, because I really monopolize on forced proximity to others. On the flight home I put on my game face and selected a seat next to a handsome young man. I flirted with him gooood. I put on my jacket right as I sat down and, oh excuse me, "accidentally" bumped his leg a little (break touch barrier, check). I noticed he was reading Steve Job's biography and had an iPhone. "Oh hello AppleFanBoy, what are you reading there?" (initiate conversation, check). Ask about what he does for a living, followed by asking alllll about his current business venture (act super interested in everything he has to say, check). I employed a variety of other classic techniques- convincingly laugh at all of his jokes, express being impressed with several things about him, repetitive but slight touching of arm or knee, consistent smiling, etc. This guy was loving it, and I was reveling in my success. Too bad he's not LDS and doesn't live in Utah, but hey, it got my confidence engine started up.

Let's fast forward to my good friend's wedding. It was in between Christmas and New Years so the guests were about 90% family, and about 90% married, I felt like the 19th wheel most of the day. At the reception the groom came up and introduced his friend Texty McTexterson. I'm a litter taller than average, Texty McTexterson is tall too, and we're just about the only single people there. Very quickly the groom abandons us and I decide to, once again, put on my game face and git 'er done. Texty McTexterson seems nice, sort of funny, and he came highly recommended by said groom, whom I am very fond of since his engagement to my dear friend. I was definitely willing to give him a shot. He found me a couple of times throughout the evening and eventually got my number. Bravo good sir, I'm proud of you! He texted me shortly after leaving the reception, and I was flattered at his interest and impressed that he wasn't scared to show that interest. Then... he kept texting, and texting, and invited me over that night. I politely declined. Then he texted in the morning, throughout that entire day, and invited me over again. I politely declined. He had also called and invited me on a date for that weekend, which I was still willing to accept. In the three days between meet and date, we had exchanged over 120 text messages and he had invited me over four times, all of which were politely declined. Dear Texty McTexterson, I am not your girlfriend, I also have a life, slow your roll please. By the time our scheduled date came around I was pretty fed up with him, but trying really hard to be positive and to have a good time- really hard.

Things not to do on a first date:
-Show up 20 minutes late
-Ask her where she wants to eat without providing any options
-Talk about how spiritual you are for extended periods of time
-Talk about how much you love penguins
-Talk about how much you want to get married
-Ask why it's okay for girls to hold hands but not guys
-Talk about your mission non stop even though you've been home for several years
-Talk about the many women's fashions that you detest
-Talk about how much you detest wearing pants
-Talk about how your last girlfriend didn't like the excessive flatulence of you and your brothers

Yes, in case it wasn't clear, these are all things that Texty McTexterson did. It really wasn't the worst date I've ever been on, it was definitely tolerable- I think there were even moments when I enjoyed myself- but I would describe my feelings throughout as annoyed. I have decided that the funniest moment on the date was upon having lunch at a restaurant and the tab being set on the table, he picked it up and then looked really puzzled, and asked how he was supposed to pay. I told him that you just put card in the folder and they'll come get it. ... ...really? It was like he had never been anywhere but fast food restaurants. Overall, the date consisted of listening to him talk at me about everything from his church calling to his mother. That, and constantly trying to fidget away from him being touchy feely.

For those of you who are wondering, Texty McTexterson did not receive a post date text.

Here's to hoping that the next time I try to be a flirt it doesn't backfire on me! *Clinks glass

Cheers!

The Closer