The Return of the James Part III

1/14/2015 The Blue Stocking 2 Comments

After we established we needed to see each other more, James and I kick things up a notch, but our conversations were still lacking. Each date was the same with no real progress in the getting-to-know-you department. I was very open with my frustration by saying things like “I’m entertaining, but even I can’t maintain the conversation for the both of us. You HAVE to say something about yourself.” To which he said “you’re underestimating how entertaining you are,” and then change the subject.

I knew this couldn’t go on. Do I like him? Yes. Do I think this is a healthy relationship? No, no I do not.  

The week before Christmas he wanted to meet up before I left for home. I told him my frustrations and explained why I didn't think we should keep seeing each other. I was still at work, so this conversation was over text which I’ll admit was a big mistake.

Upon receiving my message, James sent a text saying he felt the same way and he wanted to fix things and perhaps make our situation more serious. I was not expecting this. In fact, I thought he would say “ok” and that would be that. While I sat trying to structure my next move, texts continued to stream in from James offering solutions. When I didn’t respond to those he began to call and leave voice messages telling me to please call him back.

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The normal thing would have been to answer the phone. I took the more theatrical approach and ditched the phone for some dramatic wondering and pondering in my office's parking lot. Finally I came back to my desk and listened to his last voicemail. It was a minute of him apologizing for possible offending me or pressuring me and he really just wanted to talk things over. I felt awful, so I bucked it up and called him.

I didn’t know what I was going to say and instead of over-thinking it I just told him exactly how I felt:
  • We took joking too far to a point where it was almost hurtful.
  • We never talked about anything important.
  • We were constantly misunderstanding each other.
  • We were closed off.
  • We weren’t comfortable with one another after a total of four months.
  • And I hesitated to make things serious when the more casual part had been so disconnected. 

He agreed that those were all valid points, but explained that it takes him a while to open up and he would, but needed more time. He continued to say he didn’t want me to feel this way and he knew we could make things better because “he really liked me.”

Cue gut-wrenching emotions. 

The conversation was honest and real. Something I had been craving from this relationship and yet it still wasn’t enough. Maybe it was more than my list of problems. Maybe I just knew we weren’t right for each other?

Which is what I told him. Ultimately, I felt like we weren’t a good fit.  

It was an agonizing 10 minutes. James took it wellish and I tried to avoid cliché sayings like “it’s not you, it’s me.” and “you’re a really great guy." Gag. No one deserves condescending platitudes.  

After we said our goodbyes I felt relief and then a whole lot of sadness. Dating is really getting to me. 

-The Bluestocking

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Anonymous said...

Wow that seems so complicated and frustrating. It sounds like it just isn't clicking right. :/

Emily said...

That sounds really hard but it is best to break off a relationship when you don't feel right about it. You wouldn't want to get married just because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings.