Too Picky?: A Guest Post

5/14/2014 The Charmer 1 Comments

Here's another one of our fabulous contest winners....and the author is married!! In my book, that means, "Listen up....she knows what she's talking about!"

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The difference, in my opinion, between being too picky and simply waiting for the right person is how hard you actually attempt to get to know a person before shutting down. I wasn’t asked out very often when I was dating, but when I was, it was usually by boys who were not exactly what I had in mind. I remember agonizing after I had gotten off the phone with one of my friends who was asking me out for the third time. I had said no, because I didn’t want to drag anything out or get his hopes up. I was sulking and feeling like a horrible person in my room and my roommate had had enough of it.

“Why are you upset?” she asked.

“I think I might just be too picky! He’s a great guy, but I just don’t like him. Is there something wrong with me? Why don’t I want to date any of the boys that want to date me?”

She thought about this for a second and then asked me something that helped me change my ideas of what being “too picky” was.

“When you went on dates with him, did you honestly try to get to know him? Did you say no because you find him unattractive or because you just aren’t interested?”

That’s when I realized that it’s ok to just not be interested in someone for known or unknown reasons. I was friends with this guy. I had been on two dates with him and even though he wasn’t my ideal, I still tried and gave him a chance and it didn’t work. That’s okay. I think we beat ourselves up for not falling in love with every person that crosses our path, but if that was the way it worked, it would probably take a heck of a lot longer to find someone to marry. If everyone was a viable option, no one would be because it would be so much harder to settle down and give up dating life.

This was the mental list of things I wanted in a future husband when I was dating:

6’3”-6’5” (I’m a tall girl, so I feel no shame in this one)
Life of the party
Musically talented
Good taste in music
Good fashion sense
Loves animals (especially dogs)
Dark hair and/or brown eyes
Strong testimony

This is how my husband measures up to that list:

6’ (if we’re being optimistic on a good-posture day)
Prefers being with a small group of friends or just me. Hates parties more than anything.
Plays the piano
Listens to my music with few complaints
Wears what I tell him to with few complaints
Believes that having animals live in the house with you is unsanitary and will make your house smell bad
Light brown hair and blue/green eyes
Strong testimony

As you can see, some of my list items are fulfilled, others aren’t. The ones that aren’t, we compromised on (except we still haven’t figured out a way to make him taller…) I am 100% sure that there are some things that he wanted that I don’t have. Actually, I can make a list of the ones I’m aware of:

I don’t want to live in Utah
I want to have a dog that lives in the house
I don’t play the piano
I don’t particularly enjoy hiking
I’m not as good at saving money as he is
I’m pessimistic
I watch R-rated movies and listen to music with swear words
I’m unorganized

But, he was kind enough to look past the things about me that he didn’t like because we’re best friends and get along well, and most importantly, we love each other. If there are things about a person you don’t like, that’s fine. No one is perfect. But, we have to give people the chance to show us the good in them and allow a possible love to grow. That’s the major difference between being too picky and being decisive. We can’t just write someone off because they’re tone-deaf, or they carry a little extra weight, or they don’t love dogs like you do. If you’ve legitimately considered and spent time with someone, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to date or marry them, but you have to put that time in to begin with.

That said, deal-breakers do exist. Everyone has their own. These are mine:

Non-member with no desire to learn about the Church
Weak or nonexistent testimony
Present addiction (drugs, porn, stealing, alcohol, etc.)
Abusive behavior

I’ve used a lot of lists; I apologize. The main point is that everyone deserves a chance. Everyone gets a first date (unless you fear for your safety, I suppose). If there is only one girl or boy in your ward in whom you are interested, everyone else is interested in them, too. Broaden your horizons. Step out of your comfort zone. Get to know people that you’re not instantly attracted to. And if nothing happens, it’s ok. You gave it a chance and that’s what keeps you from being “too picky.”

--Mary