Mr. Collins was not a sensible man.

8/24/2012 The Lady 3 Comments

My path has once again crossed that of Mr. Collins'. How foolish I was to believe that once he moved out of my ward our association with each other would end absolutely. Unfortunately, I bumped into Mr. Collins last week at a party of a mutual friend's and was forced to acknowledge his presence. Since I had not seen him for the entirety of the summer, a happy circumstance I am not ashamed to admit, I decided to be quite cordial and almost too kind. A mistake I should have had the foresight not to make. But once I left the party and Mr. Collins' company, I was happily assured that I would not have to trouble myself with him any longer. (Besides, I had just said my final goodbye to Clive, and my thoughts were occupied with his perfection and my despair at seeing him go.) I have become entirely too foolhardy, and let my guard down all too quickly.

The Setting: A warm Wednesday afternoon in August during the walk home from campus.

The Characters: The Lady, her friend Miss Smith, and a creeping Mr. Collins.

The Plot: As Miss Smith and I meandered calmly away from campus discussing whatever it was that tickled our fancy, I was struck with the wonder of summer and how I wished it would last forever. It was a pleasant walk and I cannot imagine feeling anymore tranquil than I did at that moment. It was short-lived. I turned to Miss Smith in response to a question, and in that unexpected moment, Mr. Collins jumped directly into my path from behind and yelled excitedly, "Hey, Lady!" My reaction was quite unexpected. At being so startled on such a peaceful stroll, I released a howling scream. Not a dainty oh-my-you-startled-me yelp, but a deafening I-just-discovered-an-ax-murderer-lurking-in-my-shower shriek. The sound reverberated around campus, the birds went silent, and anyone in the nearby vicinity clutched at their hearts as they had all been momentarily stopped by my ear-splitting bellow. The League of Banshees is now looking over my recently submitted application.

Despite being the recipient of this less than cheerful greeting, Mr. Collins was not deterred. He joined Miss Smith and I on our walk as though we were a merry posse. Providentially, we were not far from my apartment, and I was blessed to be able to bid goodbye to Mr. Collins (not without his promise that he would come visit me soon), and Miss Smith was lucky enough to not have him follow her home gallantly escort her to her own apartment.

An hour later, I received a text from Mr. Collins inquiring about my plans for the weekend. Thank goodness I have already booked every spare minute! However, I am unsure as to how I will be able to keep Mr. Collins at bay; he has a record, as you may remember, of not being easily deterred. I best find a boyfriend, and quickly.

Con Amor,
The Lady

P.S. I apologize to those of you whose windows have
been shattered because of my scream. I would gladly
pay to have them all replaced, but the beginning of the
semester has cruelly depleted my funds. My sincerest
condolences. I am willing however, to help you scrounge
up some cardboard and duct tape.

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Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Was that what I heard all the way over here in Orem yesterday?! I thought the birds were acting strange...strangely?

The Rational said...

I don't know if this situation has been resolved (I see it's been a while) but guys like these just need to be told the truth. Trust me, he'll get over it. I know by experience.

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