The Anti-Austen

Few moments in my life have left me speechless. Most, if not all, deal with me being accosted with another’s feelings. I don’t do feelings. At least I don’t react to them the way one should. I need time to process, to mull it over, to come up with a response. This fact was no truer than this last Sunday.

I sat alone after Sacrament gathering up my books when I felt the presence of someone on my left and I turned to find Drew, Henry’s best friend and my home teacher. Precious is possibly the best description for Drew. He isn’t as date savvy as most and he often comes to me for advice on the ways to woo.

Drew often wore a look of nervous anxiety, but today he looked like his knees may buckle at any moment. The sight of him made me believe someone somewhere had died a horrific death involving sharp objects and a long fall.

Before I could ask anything, the terror in his eyes built up and spilled out of his mouth, “Blue, I have to ask you something or I will regret it for the rest of my life.” I began to realize that whatever was coming next would create more awkwardness then I was emotionally able to combat.

“Blue, I have to at least try to date you or I will never forgive myself.”

He continued to look into my soul confessing feelings I never realized existed. It was intense. Too intense. I am certain when (if) the day comes a man decides to propose it will be less intense than this moment. My reaction will go down in Bluestocking history as my least coherent moment.

Blue: “um…um..um,”

6 seconds later.

Blue: “um…um…um.”

I’ve never felt so out of control as I did staring into the eyes of Drew as people passed around us. He could see this wasn’t going how he intended so he stood saying,“I want to take you out Friday and if I don’t hear from you before that I will understand,” and he was off.

That night I realized that I could not let this guy think that I was interested. I was past giving every guy a first date. Guys I don’t know, sure. Guys I know I’ll never like, no. And guys who confess their undying like for me, definitely not.

So I broke things off and Drew took it wellish. Though he did ask if I wanted him to get Grant to reassign him. Yes Grant is the EQ Pres. I said absolutely not.

I feel like I kicked a puppy.

-The Bluestocking

Like the girl that I am, I often permit myself moments of nostalgia. And listing. I like making lists. Perhaps I could call that one of my hobbies... But the point is, in reminiscing and listing I have come to the conclusion that I am not certain I know my own taste in men. Or if I even have a particular taste in men. I have dated all sorts. Tall. Short. Thin. Chubby. Educated. Uneducated. LDS. Non-LDS. Bookish. Military. Country. Theatrical. You name it. So what do I really like?

I. Don't. Know.

For a moment I was tempted to feel discouraged about my obvious lack of perspective about my own self. Did I really not know what sort of man I liked? But then it hit me: I like men. Plain and simple. I like men. I have liked every man I have dated. Obviously some more than others, but you get the picture. That's not to say that I cannot settle for one type and be happy with that type (at least I am hoping I can do that). All I am saying is that it feels nice to realize that I think I can be happy with almost any sort of man. Which brings me to the issue of falling in love with anyone. I read this article a couple weeks ago, and have been stewing over it ever since. The idea of it might be preposterous, but I also believe it to be preposterously logical. Read the questions. Can you imagine going on a date and asking someone how they felt about their relationship with their mother or if they had a hunch about how they were going to die and they were not weirded out and were in fact completely honest and open about it? If you could talk with someone about real things, not just majors and missions and hometowns, but life's real things. Sometimes you get to that point with someone where you can talk about those real things. Other times it's like pulling teeth.

The thing is that it's hard to be vulnerable to another person. It's hard to open up to another human being and say, "I secretly want to be a famous author." Or, "I wish my family was closer than they currently are." It's hard to be real. It's hard to be real because we call it "the dating game." And we're told that we can't take games too seriously because they're just games.

But it is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman must be in want of a husband. And that requires falling in love, not games.

Con Amor,

The Lady

I’ll admit after breaking things off with James I thought I would be a lot happier. Maybe eat more and think less. Not true. Instead I went from never thinking of him while I was dating him to always thinking of him after I broke things off. How this is possible, I do not know. But now dreams of him were a nightly occurrence and daily urges to text him were a nightmare.

After Christmas, I was dreading New Year’s Eve which might including run-in’s with old flames. The night’s festivities included a YSA party sporting hundreds of singles trying to find “the one.” Upon arrival I found Calvin and we formed a group that included his friends and mine (The Lady included). Thirty minutes into the swing of things, The Lady and our other friend saw a guy behind me that they described as very attractive and perfect for me. I turned around to find James. The irony kills me. But there he was looking better than he’s ever looked. We didn’t speak of course, that would be sheer madness. Instead he walked away and I started to crumble.

I decided that I should talk to him because why make things awkward. This goal was easier said than done, mostly because he’s become an expert at avoiding me. So the night was made up of close encounters and fleeting eye-contact. It ended with me talking to Calvin two yards away from James flirting with some girl. Yes I was stalking and yes she was pretty and yes I’m clearly not ok in the ol brain.

After some mild/spicy creepin, I danced into the New Year with my friends. Something I can’t say enough is how much I love my friends. I’m oddly grateful for my single years because it’s allowed me to surround myself with incredible relationships that I value more than anything else. So thank you husband for avoiding me in my early 20’s because I’m going to need these gals for weekend trips to NYC. Also, I needed more time to come to terms with the fact I will eventual have to grow and birth human beings.

Now’s the time I take a look back on 2014. This year I traveled to different countries, I adventured with friends, I read life changing books, I spent an inordinate amount of time with my family, I laughed until I cried and cried until I laughed, and I dated…a lot. An exhausting amount to be honest, but it taught me so many things. Here are the most significant men from 2014 and what I learned from them.

Calvin: We were friends for months exchanging looks over dinner tables while I waited, not-so-patiently, for him to ask me out. Once alone I realized we had nothing to say to one another. Which leads me to this: opposites may attract, but what will they talk about?

Henry: Henry was that guy that you just know you’ll be perfect with. Everything was laughter and jokes and adventures. Then I realized relationships are more than a façade of merriment. You actually have to talk about something that’s real instead of spending hours plotting a riot because your favorite cereal was taken off the shelves of Wal-Mart. I guess Henry really taught me that sometimes your ideal isn’t so ideal.

Sam: Sam got my mind off of Henry. Bless him. We spent weeks discussing literature and ideas until one day we decided we were ok with this not continuing. Sam taught me that dating someone who is more passionate about your passion is infuriating. Books are my thing buddy.

Grant: Grant was the guy I never saw coming. We were friends for a long time and one day he asked me out. I panicked for an even longer time until I realized that he’s possibly the best guy I’ve ever dated. Our time together wasn’t one great Nicholas Sparks moment after another; instead, it was just us talking on a different couch every night. Grant taught me that simple reality can be perfect.

James: I wanted things to work with James. He was handsome, smart, and (oddly enough) interested in knowing me. Our dates showed me that getting to know him would be a constant battle. One I didn’t have the strength or interest to take on. I learned from James that if you can’t connect, what’s the point?

It was quite the year and I'm excited/nervous to see what awaits in 2015.

-The Bluestocking

I have been living at my parents' house for about five weeks, but now that Christmas and New Year's and all the family mayhem that comes with the holidays are over, I am finally settling into a routine. It is good to be home. I am back in my bedroom, I am playing my own piano, my mom is cooking me food. But you know, an anti-social Friday night with roommates is very different than an anti-social Friday night with your parents. I need some hobbies or something. Maybe knitting?

I suspect the town could sense a disturbance once I crossed the town line. People are just coming out of the woodwork to find me love, telling me they have single nephews or cousins or brothers or sons or coworkers they have been dying to set me up with. Some of these men have children, some of these men currently have girlfriends, some of these men I am fairly certain are gay. Nevertheless, according to oh-so-caring former Young Women's leaders, mothers of friends, and other women I don't know that well, all of those are mere hurdles.

I am none too worried though. Most people are just full of hot air or wishful thinking or whatever that is. But have you ever had people try to set you up on dates simply because you and one other person they know are single?

The Lady

After we established we needed to see each other more, James and I kick things up a notch, but our conversations were still lacking. Each date was the same with no real progress in the getting-to-know-you department. I was very open with my frustration by saying things like “I’m entertaining, but even I can’t maintain the conversation for the both of us. You HAVE to say something about yourself.” To which he said “you’re underestimating how entertaining you are,” and then change the subject.

I knew this couldn’t go on. Do I like him? Yes. Do I think this is a healthy relationship? No, no I do not.

The week before Christmas he wanted to meet up before I left for home. I told him my frustrations and explained why I didn't think we should keep seeing each other. I was still at work, so this conversation was over text which I’ll admit was a big mistake.

Upon receiving my message, James sent a text saying he felt the same way and he wanted to fix things and perhaps make our situation more serious. I was not expecting this. In fact, I thought he would say “ok” and that would be that. While I sat trying to structure my next move, texts continued to stream in from James offering solutions. When I didn’t respond to those he began to call and leave voice messages telling me to please call him back.

The normal thing would have been to answer the phone. I took the more theatrical approach and ditched the phone for some dramatic wondering and pondering in my office's parking lot. Finally I came back to my desk and listened to his last voicemail. It was a minute of him apologizing for possible offending me or pressuring me and he really just wanted to talk things over. I felt awful, so I bucked it up and called him.

I didn’t know what I was going to say and instead of over-thinking it I just told him exactly how I felt:

We took joking too far to a point where it was almost hurtful.
We never talked about anything important.
We were constantly misunderstanding each other.
We were closed off.
We weren’t comfortable with one another after a total of four months.
And I hesitated to make things serious when the more casual part had been so disconnected.

He agreed that those were all valid points, but explained that it takes him a while to open up and he would, but needed more time. He continued to say he didn’t want me to feel this way and he knew we could make things better because “he really liked me.”.

Cue gut-wrenching emotions.

The conversation was honest and real. Something I had been craving from this relationship and yet it still wasn’t enough. Maybe it was more than my list of problems. Maybe I just knew we weren’t right for each other?

Which is what I told him. Ultimately, I felt like we weren’t a good fit.

It was an agonizing 10 minutes. James took it wellish and I tried to avoid cliché sayings like “it’s not you, it’s me.” and “you’re a really great guy." Gag. No one deserves condescending platitudes.

After we said our goodbyes I felt relief and then a whole lot of sadness. Dating is really getting to me.

-The Bluestocking

After our first “hang out” James was up to his antics once more. And that means ignoring me at church. And not in a oh-I-didn’t-see-you kind of way, but a we-made-eye-contact-and-he-left-the-room way. But once church was over he called me to talk for a couple of hours and hang out.

This is so dang weird. The more I know him the more I realize he is very shy. Veeeery shy. Which is shocking because he’s so handsome. I know I know, good looks are not a direct link to confidence, but it has been known to help.

The week of Thanksgiving we planned on a date for that Saturday. Everyday leading up to it James hinted at seeing each other sooner. I don’t have time for hints. If you want to see me, make it happen. I can’t explain why I’m so snarky about this. Probably because I know me and if a guy gives me the opportunity to bail I’ll take it. Chicken at heart people.

That Saturday we went book shopping and took a stroll around a lake. We talked and laughed and joked about throwing each other in the lake, but we never actually discussed anything significant. No, that would require divulging any information of importance and I was still not “trustworthy” enough for that. Finally, I just went off about how his not talking about himself made it hard for me to get to know him. He said that he wanted things to come up more organically and I was being controlling. I mistakenly asked him to further evaluate my personality and he said I also had the tendency to be manipulative.

There we have it folks, I’m controlling and manipulative.

And that’s when I told him to watch himself or he might end up stabbed and abandoned in a ditch somewhere. And yet, the date continued on. I can’t explain it. We were teasing, but were we? Is this healthy?

And more importantly, is it manipulative to try and get someone to tell you what their most embarrassing moment was?

The week that followed this date I didn’t know how to feel. In fact, no feelings were felt when I got home that night. I was empty. Which meant I would now avoid him until I figured out if this was something I wanted in my life.

That week James kept asking where I was and making tentative plans while I sidestepped them all. I’m pretty sure I broke him because he stopped texting me on Thursday. By Saturday I believed things were over and cautiously went to the Ward Christmas party. Initially we avoided each other, but towards the end of the night James did something shocking. He approached me in public. IN PUBLIC. This is what progress looks like. We talked for a couple minutes while the room around us was dissembled and readied for church the following Sunday.

After our ward party I went to an even larger party which included hundreds of fellow singles. While there I spotted James in the crowd so I made room for him at my table. He walked up to me…and then walked by me. The rest of the night we kept passing each other and not one word was spoken. I was livid. LIVID.

Sunday was no different. For some reason this made me want to be around him more. How does that work? Is it true that we want what we don’t have and not having James for the weekend had driven me right back to him?

Sunday night James texted a classic text that has been sent and read since texting had come to be “we need to talk”.

So he called me to say he needed to spend more time with me or this would all be a waste of time. He had a point. I tended to let my schedule push him out of my daily plans. I added that he needed to acknowledge my existence in public. He agreed. With that convo over we continued chatting until we got into our next argument over Harry Potter and hiking. He refused to read the best series ever penned and I refused to risk my life stumbling up a mountain. We finally struck a bargain that if he agreed to make his life better I would put mine in his hands.

Our conversation went on for hours and even though it was devoid of substance it still was quite enjoyable.

-The Bluestocking

The Lady posted a summary of her year's love interests (and, might I add, it is quite the impressive list). I thought about doing the same, but as I reflected over my year I realized that there really weren't that many boys that made a dent in my love life this year. This is mainly because my year was made up of a whole lot of chunks in which I seemed to distance myself from dating situations.

January-March was spent on a mission. Obviously no dating there.

March- May was spent feeling awkward around guys and I literally found myself trying to run from them on occasion.

In June-August I was an EFY counselor. This was a deceiving time of life, since I actually thought that being surrounded by hundreds of excited, gospel-loving EFY RMs might have resulted in a little bit of summer lovin'. However, the truth is that working 24/7 and flying to a different state every weekend meant that in the little bit of spare time I did have, I was usually sleeping. Besides, even when I did find myself interested in someone I only ended up spending 1 or two weeks around him. Not a lot of time to cultivate those little sparks into something bigger.

From September-December I was in China. And despite the fact that in this country there are approximately 24 million unmarried men around my age, most of them don't speak the same language that I do. Thus there really aren't too many viable options for dating,

However, mixed in amongst those dateless months were two very important weeks. One was the week before I left for China when I met a guy who impressed me more than any other guy I've ever met. The other was last week, when this same guy flew 5,000 miles to come and visit me when I came to the wonderful but also distressing realization that...well....I love him.

Very much so.

For as long as I can remember, I have been afraid of marriage. I don't know if I could tell you exactly why, but I have definitely gone to many lengths and many excuses to avoid it at all costs. There's just something about that level of commitment and about putting that much trust in one person that kind of freaks me out. But last week as I spent time around Ammon, that fear of marriage started to slip away a little bit until it was just a tiny little speck of anxiety. And amazingly, I was okay with that. I realized that I would very happily marry this boy. In fact, I would even do it this year...that is, if he wasn't going on a mission. But he is, and that is wonderful, and even though there is a tiny selfish part of me that would like to say "umm maybe you can stay with me instead?" I am really excited for him.

So, I guess you could say Operation Boyfriend-in-China was a success. It was a blast and the time went by way too quickly. I have to confess that I was a little unsure at the beginning and it was a little on the awkward side (hey now, look at that layout of my year again....the majority of it has been spent being AWKWARD around boys and NOT dating them. What did you expect?). Luckily it only took me two days to get over it (poor Ammon) and then things were fabulous.

So. What now?

love,

the charmer

I mentioned that James had reached out to end our awkwardness. I believe his words were “I know you said you didn’t want to talk, but I want to dissipate the awkwardness.” Can I just say I DID NOT tell him I didn’t want him to talk to me. That makes me sounds like the worst human ever. Which, I’m not. I think.

For most of October and November, James and I were texting all day every day. I knew at some point he would ask me out, and I have to admit I was curious to see how he would go about it. Before Thanksgiving he asked if I felt comfortable “hanging out” with him sometime.

Can I just say I HATE the term hanging out. It makes me want to punch someone. Preferably the boy who uttered it. Just call it a date and kiss me. Also I don’t mean this as a personal affront to James. He’s probably the bravest guy I’ve dated. No other guy would risk a third rejection for another date with this weirdo.

We decided to go out for dessert since we both agreed that dessert made up half our day-dreams at work. We took our dessert on the road and drove to a nearby park where we wandered and talked for hours.

Pros of James: He’s fun to talk to and to look at.

Cons of James: He refuses to talk about himself. Refuses.

When asked, “hey why don’t you tell me about (insert any question about his life)” He replies “it’s complicated” and changes the subject.

Ok Avril Lavigne, I’ve had it up to here with you. You guys should know I have my left hand raised really high while my right hand types this.

While I continued to push for simple facts like “what are you doing when you graduate,” he said he didn’t want to tell me anything because he didn’t trust me. Excuse me? What information could he possibly be retaining that results in complete avoidance? I at least had him clarify that being an escort was not a possible graduation plan, but that’s as far as I got.

Guys I don’t even know where he lives because “it’s complicate.”

Whatever romantic novels say, mysterious guys are the absolute worst. And yet I’m so intrigued… dagnabit.

-The Bluestocking

There may be someone out there who can tell the future, but I certainly cannot. As I looked forward into my year on the other side of 2014, I could not have been more misled as to what events would come my way and where I would end up at the year's end.

The greatest change that has come as of late is a change in location. Save for a necessary internship, I am finished with my masters degree. By some grand design, my internship has taken me to my rural hometown (yes, I am now living at home with my parents) where there are no eligible young men whatsoever. At least none that I have seen. Now that I have left a less bountiful city than Provo for an even more drought-ridden area, I am not certain this semester (or however long I am here) will provide any dating fodder, but I shall be present with any awkward (or perchance thrilling) stories that come my way.

Now for my own amusement (and perhaps your own), allow me to review the highlights of my year and wrap up the loose ends which abound:

The Artist--Truth be told I nearly forgot about this particular short-lived confusion revolving around The Artist. I met him at that one-day EFY thing in January. I only was with him in person once, but he asked me to go to France with him and wanted to strike up a long-distance relationship. I discovered that he liked the idea of me more than he actually liked me, so I nipped that in the bud with good reason. The Artist is now happily engaged. Mazel tov.

The Counselor--I met this unexpected man earlier this year in an institute class. His flirtations and non-flirtations with me have been agonizing. I wanted so badly to fall in love with The Counselor, but his lack of romantic advances have made it impossible. The Counselor quickly became one of my greatest friends and the saving grace of my semesters of grad school, and he admitted to feeling similarly about me, but he also let me leave without saying goodbye. I fear that what was once a great friendship and potential relationship has been obliterated.

The Englishman--Through the means of Tinder, I accomplished a life goal and wooed a British man. But due to a lack of desire to commit to a long-distance relationship or give up any of my standards, a three month text and phone call based relationship came to a fiery end.

The Southern Gentleman--A very short affair that was lovely and brought my "famine" to an end, but was also short-lived due to distance. Blast it all.

The Younger Man--A spontaneous Halloween make-out led to a bit more than I bargained for. I admit to liking The Younger Man, quite a bit, but once again we settled the should-we-date debate on the complication of (you guessed it) long distance. It just can't be done I suppose, at least not for me. Although I am planning on spending New Year's Eve with The Younger Man...I wonder what sort of fireworks will occur.

Mr. Cowboy--Mr. Cowboy is bent on ruining my Christmases. And my life. Two years ago at Christmas, he appeared on my doorstep to wish my family and me the merriest. I hid in my bedroom. Like a coward. I am ashamed to admit that it happened again. After almost two years of avoiding him, he came round again. This time he was polite enough to send me a Facebook message asking me if a visit would be alright. I told him plainly that I couldn't stop him from being friends with my family, but a visit with him and his wife was not something I would be able to bear with comfort. Somehow the cad took that to mean that he should come alone. I informed my ever-reliable sister of my immediate distress and retreated. Every room in the house was occupied, so I found refuge in my parents' bedroom. My parents have a rather monstrous bed, and while attempting to climb up, I banged my thigh into the post (I now have a healthy bruise) which quickly elicited tears from my already watery eyes. I laid upon the bed in silent pain from my clumsiness and agony from the sound of Mr. Cowboy laughing and exchanging pleasantries with my family. Again I was in hiding, and I hated it. I would have loved nothing more than to saunter into the living room and let him hug me and pretend that all was well. The truth of the matter is that all is not well. I do not trust Mr. Cowboy and I do not trust myself with Mr. Cowboy. Thus my reasons for hiding away. I do not hide out of heartbreak, but out of a lack of trust in myself to be proper. Mr. Cowboy and I were never just friends. Never. While he was dating his current wife, he held my hand and kissed me. During his mission he wrote to both of us promising what he could only give to one of us. Somehow he expects that after all of that, the two of us can be friends. It simply cannot be. Cowardly as it seems, hiding has been my only escape. If you have any better ideas, email me next Christmas with a plan of action.

That, ladies and gentlemen, was my 2014. Confusing and enlightening. Joyful and agonizing. I needed this year to prove to myself that I am made of tough stuff, that I have not lost my mettle or spunk or allure. I can only hope that 2015 brings me something better, and I wish the same for you.

See you on the other side of a grand year,

The Lady

Merry Christmas, dear readers. Doesn't this time of year make you want to be in love? Often I feel that I am too much in love with the notion of love. But at this time of year, I indulge that romantic, mushy, gag-inducing, corny, sort of desire for love. I keep watching movies like While You Were Sleeping (I watched that one twice this week) and I have been listening to my most sappy Christmas songs over and over again (my family loves it). There are many things I wish to tell you about my current circumstances (still single, no worries), but I want that to wait until I can gather my thoughts. Until then, please enjoy one of my favorite sappy Christmas songs.

Merry Christmas and happy loving if you have it, and happy hunting if you're still in the midst of looking as I am.

The Lady

Hello, it is I, the Charmer. I just wanted to assure you that yes, I AM alive. There have been a few inquiries as to whether or not I'm dead....okay, mostly from my mother, as I haven't been the best at Skyping home regularly. (Although with this nasty cold I've had for the last 6+ weeks, I could very well be on the brink of death without knowing it)

So...life in China. Currently I am sitting alone in my apartment, surrounded by piles of exams and papers to be graded, eating red bean rice balls. On the one hand, that is a fairly accurate portrayal of the average day in the life of the Charmer for the last 4 months. I grade a lot of papers (who knew being a teacher was so much work?!?!), I am frequently alone in my apartment, and I eat a lot of Chinese food. Especially rice.

But that's kind of a miserable portrayal of my life. Actually, life in China is fabulous...aside from the part where I'm freezing 24/7. I really have never been so cold in my entire life. Apparently, this province of China doesn't believe in indoor heating. I literally wear my coat and gloves while teaching. In fact, the only classroom I spend time in that actually has a heater is my Chinese class, which gives me quite the incentive to attend regularly. Besides the cold part, however, life has been great. I love my students, who continue to delight me with their preciousness (even though they are in college). I love teaching them about the REAL reason for Christmas...although without getting too religious, of course (cue the Pentatonix songs). I love Taobao, which is basically the Chinese version of Amazon, on which I buy way too many clothes for way too cheap that arrive at my doorstep 2 day later. Even though I still crave American food occasionally, I'm starting to get to the point where most days, I'm actually hungry for Chinese food. And, luckily, my Chinese is improving line upon line and I can now decipher whether I'm ordering chicken or pork at a restaurant.

Honestly, though, living alone is strange. I hadn't ever lived on my own before; I'd always had siblings or roommates or mission companions. But I feel like living alone does strange things to a person. At least it has to me.

Number one, I talk to myself....a LOT. I think that's also partially due to the fact that I live in a country where I can't talk to everyone I meet. I noticed when I got home from my mission that I was talking a lot to myself, especially when I was driving alone. After all, I was used to having a companion who couldn't escape from the conversation. Coming to China has only made the monologue-ing worse.

Number two, my personal hygiene habits have....erm...slipped....a little bit? Taking a shower nowadays is a big commitment since it's so cold. Sure, the shower part is warm, but I know that the getting in and out of the shower parts are going to turn my entire body into ice. So, umm....yeah. I shower less frequently.

Number three, I've discovered I'm a little bit of a messy person. Well, it's not so much that I'm messy, it's just that I kind of spread out and don't ever really bring it all back in again. I feel like you can see my thought process throughout the day by looking at my living room and where I've deposited various objects.

Yes. I'm learning a lot about myself from being here.

Anyway, hopefully those habits haven't made me too socially unacceptable because in only four days, Ammon...aka my long-distance BOYFRIEND... will be here. AHHHH! Am I excited? Of course! Am I also like super duper out of my mind freaking out nervous? Umm....kind of. Even though we have skyped regularly for the last four months, I only actually spent time around him for a week. And we weren't dating then. And I haven't touched a boy in four months and now I feel like I've regressed back into my "I'm an RM and I'm awkward around boys" mode.

But, it's fine, right? Besides, the first couple of days we're going to be hanging out with a bunch of other YSA teachers in my branch so even if I am completely awkward, it hopefully won't be too noticeable in a group setting. Right?!

Well, wish me luck! And of course, Merry Christmas! (圣诞节快乐！)

xoxo,

迷人的女孩 (the charmer)

After Ben’s guest appearance at Wednesday night diner, I felt oddly hopefully for our next encounter. We planned a Holiday night which included making dinner at his place and decorating his Christmas tree. Friday night he pick me up so we could go grocery shopping. It was there I admitted the only food I shopped for was milk, cereal, and Oreos. I truly hope guys find my unhealthy habits endearing. After shopping, we went back to his apartment and met all of his roommates.

Now I need to say this before we go any further. Ben looked good. Like really good. I liken him to a lumberjack in his plaid and beard. I must confess there were moments where I just stared at him like some creepo who had never met a man before.

Ok now that his attractiveness has been established, back to the date.

In the beginning things were very promising. We teased and laughed as we made dinner, but as the hours ticked by I found myself struggling to come up with anything to say. In fact, I found myself having more in common with his roommates than him. Have you ever had that happen? I was even a little sad to see them retreat back to their rooms. Come back friends!

After four hours of dinning and decorating I believed we were done. But no, he suggested we make dessert, but only after we watched youtube videos for an hour. Nothing more fun than an hour devoted to watching a guy’s favorite video on clowns.

During dessert I was pulling out every cliché question to just get me through the night. Don’t get me wrong. He was a great guy, a fantastic guy, but together we were not so great. I believe he felt the same way. After 5 ½ hours, I finally made it back to my door step where he did not ask me out again. I think we both knew this wasn’t going anywhere BUT Grant doesn’t need to know that.

-The Bluestocking

In November, after the sadness that was Grant and the return of all the exes, I needed a distraction. And that’s when Ben came into the mix. He was a set-up courtesy of a friend. Ben Facts: He has a glorious beard, he loves Russian lit, and he’s in med school.

Heaven knows I needed a break from the Lawyers.

Initially things were awkward. How can they not be? A stranger comes to your house and ushers you into his car. You’re basically giving consent for kidnapping. I mean sure you’re not a kid and yeah they plan to return you. BUT what if they didn’t. Terrifying right.

Anyways, for the first couple of minutes we talked about the person who set us up and then we hit into the getting-to-know-you questions. As we muddled through our answers we somehow stumbled on something genuine. What we want from a relationship. Might as well get down to the point. He then confessed his favorite love stories were Beauty and the Beast as well as Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. And I confessed to being terrified that all of his favorite fiction centered on guys kidnapping women in order to get married.

I mean he had after all kidnapped me…sort of.

After a lighthearted two hours he dropped me off at my doorstep, but before he left he asked me out for that Friday night. I’m not one for guys asking on the doorstep, but another date with ~~that beard~~ Ben was something I couldn’t turn down.

Wednesday night rolled around which meant it was dinner with friends night. I sat next to Grant who, surprise surprise, was acting weird. I fidgeted with my phone, pretending someone somewhere was interested when a message from Ben popped up:

Ben: "It’s wed dinner with friends right? I wanted to see you so I thought I would swing by.”

Well ok then.

There has never been a more magnificent moment in the history of dating moments than when I sat next to Grant feeling utterly rejected and in came Ben in his bearded bold glory.

That night we separated ourselves from the group and one by one everyone left Ben and me to our flirtations. Hours later the restaurant booted us to the parking lot where we planned our next date.

Ben pulls off this this whole forward thing.

-The Bluestocking

It is nearing 12:00 midday here in the land of the morning calm. To avoid showering, studying for the GRE, and other things of an adult nature I have decided to once again awaken from my long blog slumber and regale you with some tales and woes of dating in the ROK.

Christmas in Korea is a horse of a very different romantic color. In the west, Christmas is all about family traditions, gathering with loved ones, spreading Christmas cheer, and so on and so forth. But in Korea, well Christmas is viewed as just another of their many "couple" days. It's celebrated much like Valentine's Day. If one ventures outside on this day, your eyes will be barraged with couples, couples, and more couples.

Needless to say, I'm pretty upset about this. There's been all sorts of "woe is me" and gnashing of the teeth going on in my lonely, one person apartment. I like it when Christmas is, well you know, about Christ. I didn't need another holiday to remind me how single I am.

Which brings me to another point. Koreans have graduated from asking me if I have a boyfriend to why I don't have a boyfriend. If I knew why I didn't have a boyfriend, do you think I would still be single??? They've all seem to come to the swift conclusion that if I really wanted a date for Christmas, I could get one. They all have also decided that my single state is because of the way I look. According to Korean standards, I'm far too pretty to be single. So guys just assume that I have a boyfriend and don't bother to approach me. Are you as baffled by this theory as I am? I've never been considered pretty in America. Cute on a occasion, but never beautiful. I think they just like me for my big eyes (no, but really that's what they all tell me). I give up.

There's all these rules to dating in Korea that I don't fully understand, or even slightly understand. In fact, unbeknownst to me, I maybe had a Korean boyfriend for several months and I didn't even know. I'm not sure how flirting works here. So, in my continuing efforts to get married, I've decided to move back to America. I'll be heading back your way sometime next spring.

Until then, may you find yourself under some mistletoe~

Xoxo,
The Romantic

In October, Grant and I entered month three of hanging out and I was getting antsy. I craved something solid. Something more than just last minute hangouts. The first week of the month we spent every night together, but that weekend was marked by silence. It was torturous. I broke down on Monday night and texted him, starting a conversation that lead into the AM, but no invite to come over.

This infamous weekend was the end of our personal hangouts, but sadly not the end of our "friendship" as we continued to spend time hanging out with our friends. Sure we still messaged and sent funny snapchats to each other, but there was a definite shift dividing an ‘us’ into a ‘him’ and a ‘me’. This together yet apart situation caused me to go through a myriad of stages each lasting a couple days.

The “sad” stage: Where I gained an Oreo belly of sorrow and stalked his social media pages.
The “forget him” stage: Where I raged out and avoided him.
The “I’ll make him like me!” stage: Self-explanatory and rather pathetic.
The “Acceptance” stage: Where I realized I couldn’t force someone to be with me and I resolved to listen to “Nicest Thing” by Kate Nash on repeat.

I just wish I knew what happened. And every group hang out just makes everything more complicated. Especially when our friends decide to talk about dating and he’ll admit to asking girls out, liking them, and then avoiding them.

Why? Why on earth would you do that? Maybe he’s in an infamous “weird place” along with The Lady’s fellows. I just keep replaying our last week “together” in my head and our little break simply doesn't make sense.

It’s been over a month since our falling out, and while I feel like I’m getting over it, there’s a piece of me that can’t let go. And in the midst of all of this I’ve been seeing someone else and instead of alleviating the pain it seems to have made me feel worse.

I really need for it to be Christmas already.

-The Bluestocking

I hope you have all had a wonderful Thanksgiving devoid of questions like "where's your special someone," and "are you being too picky?" We all deserve at least one day off from those shenanigans.

My Thanksgiving weekend has been odd indeed for it seems to have stirred up my ex’s with thoughts of “Blue’s not the worst option, maybe we should give it another go.” Perhaps the thoughts were brought on by their relatives ever questioning why they can't find a spouse. All I really know, is that desperation is in the air and they’re making their way down the list of girls they dated that are still single. And, as we all know, I am most definitely still single. The count of ex's that have reached out to me in the past two weeks is up to four and I dread what December will bring. Here’s the breakdown.

The RM: For those of you who have been with us for a while, perhaps you’ll remember the RM. The guy I met freshman year who thought it wise to spout his love for me to anyone and everyone who would listen. The same guy who asked me out the day he got off his mission and thought stalking was the equivalent of wooing. The RM and I have grown distant in our later years mostly due to the fact he got married. Earlier this month I got a text from him reminiscing over my letters I wrote him on his mission. Let it be known they were of the platonic variety. It seems the RM was going through a divorce and wanted to take me on a walk down memory lane.

I found it prevalent to stop texting him back.

Smitie: Ah yes Smittie. He was back. I really shouldn’t have been shocked. Just because he ignores me for months does not mean a date isn’t on the horizon. I blame myself mostly. I had avoided being upfront about my desire to never be alone with him again. This time when he asked me out I let him know I would like to remain just friends.

He never responded.

Calvin: Ever since we dated last winter Calvin and I have remained close friends. A friendship I have valued and strived to maintain. Last week I was at dinner with several of my close guy friends when one of them, Trevor, asked if I had a boyfriend. When I said no Trevor proposed that we just get married. We teasingly planned our wedding of convenience. The next day Calvin asked if my pretend fiancé had taken me off the market. What I believed was simple bantering, turned out to be a date in the making and he has continued to ask me out since. Two other guys who were around for that dinner have since asked me out as well. I guess you truly can’t have guy friends.

James: I had given up on ever hearing from James again. After all he had spent the summer treating me like I was the shmutziest of all shmutzes. Which explains why I was taken aback to find a message on my phone asking me if we could end the awkwardness between us. A ceasefire if you will. Under the white flag, we’ve seemed to have picked up where we left off in March. We text every day and he calls me at night. To add to the fun that is the James situation, he actually dated my close friend in July. It did not end well.

The RM and Smitie has basically been taken care of, but I don’t know what to do about the Calvin/James situation. I feel terrible about things with Calvin. Have I been leading him on? Should I have kept my distance? But more than that what can I do now, surely this doesn’t mean it’s necessary to have “the talk” does it?? When it comes to James I’m at a loss. I don’t know. James persistently wants to know about me which is incredibly addicting. And he’s got that whole mysterious handsome stranger vibe to him.

What I really need is someone to take over and make all of my dating decisions for me.

-The Bluestocking

I first set eyes on The Mountain Man the first Sunday of the semester. Two words: ginger beard. Sign me up.

Stats

Name: The Mountain Man

Height: 6'2"

Hair Color: sandy brown

Beard Color: a perfect rusty red

Eye Color: the sea after a storm

Age: 29

Education: PhD in Geology

Enjoys: Climbing Rocks, Jurassic Park, Just Dance

Needless to say, I was smitten.

I began to get to know The Mountain Man at various activities (spelunking in caves, Just Dance parties, bonfires, all that jazz) and we just hit it off. But we hit it off as good pals, which suited me just fine. It never hurts to have a good guy friend, suffice it to say a devilishly attractive one.

So tonight, The Mountain Man and I went out on a "friend date" to watch The Hunger Games, which of course was a great time (as great a time as death and destruction can be of course). On our walk home, we had a bit of heart-to-heart about our dating lives. He teased me mercilessly for "snogging" The Younger Man, and I in return made light of his perpetually single state. Which took a quick and unexpected turn for the serious.

The Mountain Man admitted to being in a "weird place." A speech which I am becoming all too familiar with. It is not my place to divulge what sort of weird place The Mountain Man is in, but the weird place claim frustrates me beyond belief. The Mountain Man is in a weird place, The Counselor is in a weird place, Clive once admitted to being in a weird place, and The Younger Man is the definition of a weird place. What is happening to all the men? If all the available and good men are in weird places, what are us girls supposed to do? Do we wait for them to move on from the weird place, or is the weird place permanent?

Perhaps I am all too selfish, but I do not find the weird place to be very fair.

Con Amor,

The Lady

Perhaps sometimes it is just fine to be surprised. Sometimes it just might be nice that you actually like the guy you randomly made out with. And sometimes, just maybe it is okay that he is a little younger than you.

The morning after the Halloween Hiccup, The Younger Man began texting and calling me regularly. We talk about books and film and poetry and musicals, and I am only slightly ashamed to admit that it is kind of great.

To be honest, I was hoping to remain detached and aloof with regards to this situation because in general I find myself becoming enthralled with men all too quickly. But as fate would have it, the love bug has crawled right back up and bit me, and I'm back. "Can't help it, the girl can't help it."

C'est la vie. For now that is all I can say.

The Lady

September started with a bang. Hucy was over. Yes the romance of the century ended after only a month of lovin. Lucy Steele removed all traces of Henry’s existence on her FB wall and replaced him with a dramatic breakup post. Her wall then became a stream of inspiration quotes running all day every day.

I really tried to not take pleasure from it. I really did.

To be honest, I spent the majority of August and September exploring different countries and visiting friends so the drama of the spring seemed distant. AND just in case you think me rather awful for treating Lucy so, I'm happy to report she has moved on and is currently in a serious relationship once more. Girl knows how to get things done.

Ok back to me, other than the Hucy breakup September was defined by Grant. This was the month I decided I would not date Grant…and then I decided kissing his face would be oh so pleasant…and then I decided we should just be friends…and then I decided we would make a fantastic couple.

September was also when I realized how fickle I could be.

Finally, I jumped in. I accepted his invites and he found more reasons to see me. One of my favorite reasons involved my nightly dinner. Grant would ask what I was eating and then he would come by to try it. This was normal enough except for the fact chocolate makes up 86% of my diet and he detests chocolate. The poor boy would come over to consume the thing he hates and I would watch knowing the pain it caused.

And we were committed to this ridiculous ruse.

I don’t know if you caught this from that story, but neither of us had overtly expressed interested. There were no declarations of like; instead, we made nightly trips around the corner to curl up to The Office and talk into the late A.M.

I didn’t sleep for a month and I regretted nothing.

My main concern was even though I spent most of my nights talking with Grant we never went on a second date and any plans made were of the last minute variety. Which was rather confusing especially when situations like this would arise:

Grant was showing me something on his phone when a notification for Meetinghouse (a Mormon dating site) came up. He asked me if I had ever tried it and when I said no he responded, “you gotta get on it girl.”

In his defense, he could have just panicked, buuuuut guys who like you shouldn’t recommend dating sites to you, right? I mean, I’m not an expert, but it seems pretty basic to not pawn your crushes off to strangers.

-The Bluestocking

With the changing of leaves came the changing of men.

Sam: The first of the month Sam was packing to leave for law school and we had yet to talk about how this affected us. A week before school started we grabbed sketchy burritos and drove around town comparing our book collections. It seemed this would be another night of pleasantries devoid of reality.

After hours of debating the importance of fairy tales, we arrived at my house. I could feel us talking around the issue of his departure, but I dreaded pulling it up and I believe he did as well. Finally, it had gotten late and I, being the sort who needs as much sleep as possible, said farewell and opened my door to leave. His reply was, “Blue, I’m leaving.” I laughed at his dramatic exclamation, sat back in the car, and replied, “Sam, I know.” He explained that his leaving had made it hard to devote himself to us and while our summer had been fun, he didn’t see it going any further.

It was truly a relief to hear that we were both feeling the same thing. Sam was a great guy, but he wasn’t the guy for me and I wasn’t the girl for him. What followed the easiest DTR in Bluestocking history was a hilarious exchange of dating stories. We laughed and teased and when he left I felt at peace.

Henry: The last time I saw Henry was right in the middle of his love affair with Lucy Steele. I had the great pleasure of walking late into Sunday school late only to realize Henry was teaching. The class silently turned to watch me stumble through the door. In true Blue fashion I turned to the erect Henry and said “well are you going to teach or just stand there.” He laughed we continued to share pleasantries and I took a seat.

We made eye contact throughout the lesson and after he joined me for a catch up session. Now Henry and I are friends… and Lucy and I are keeping a friendly distance.

Grant: After our date in July there had been no tangible difference in our relationship, but something had shifted. I notice him more. I guess that’s a good thing? I couldn’t help but wish I had feelings about the situation, but ever since Henry I felt numb. Not hurt or broken, just icy and exhausted.

The thing is I should like Grant. Grant is one of the most genuine guys I’ve met. He’s the type of guy who owns his own house and decorates it with classy paintings of the temple. He’s the type of guy who watches How to Train Your Dragon and audible gasps “if anything happens to that dragon, so help me.” He’s the type of guy who composes a guitar solo so elegant and on point it makes you consider being a twity fan-girl. He’s the type of guy who asks and listens and the more I know about him the more I kick myself for not seeing him sooner.

Even knowing all of this I could feel myself holding back. Grant spent the month inviting me to his house and asking about my Friday night plans and I avoided it. All of it.

I truly don't know what's wrong with me

-The Bluestocking

Just for a moment, let us put The Younger Man on the back burner and focus on The Counselor.

Our world often makes me feel that I should apologize about the fact that I actually do want to get married, and that I should apologize for having strong feelings towards men. "I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not in my nature" ( Northanger Abbey). I feel strongly about people and have very rarely felt the unnerving twinge of indifference. I either like a person or I do not. And if I like a person, I generally like them greatly. This applies as much to my daily life as it does to my love life. Some see this as one of my greatest faults, and to be certain it has brought me some grief in my day, but I much prefer my strong feelings to those of a simple indifference.

But in the case with The Counselor, I allowed my own strong feelings to blind me towards his obvious indifference. Read the signs, Lady. Read the signs.

I imagined that after this summer of EFY, The Counselor and I would return to school and have a whirlwind fall romance. And maybe, just maybe, we would fall in love, graduate our respective grad programs next spring, get married, and be the powerhouse couple I always imagined. This wouldn't be the first time that my active imagination led me astray.

All I really wanted was for The Counselor to buck up, be a man, and court me as I thought I deserved. Or at least to tell me to beat it if it really was not something he wanted. When that failed to happen as I had imagined, I was given piece of advice after piece of advice from numerous friends, family members, fellow EFY counselors, and even a beloved former BYU professor who exhorted me to be bold. I can be flirtatious, but such boldness scares me to death. It is blunt and unflinching where my flirtatious nature is flighty and anything but honest.

Nevertheless, I knew The Counselor would not give me the satisfaction of an answer unless I was direct (at least not anytime in the near future). Following one of our regular hours-long conversations, I got up the nerve to tell The Counselor how I really felt. Of course he wasn't oblivious to the fact that I had been deeply interested in him for the past eight months, but all he could say was "I don't know." For an hour. All I got was "I don't know." He hemmed and hawed and told me he wasn't good enough for me, and that he wouldn't make me happy, but that he couldn't fathom not having me in his life. The bottom line was "I don't know," but I would rather have a certain "no."

Because I feel so deeply about people, I cannot easily let them go. But I am determined to move on from this. I cannot bide indifference, and I should have recognized that sooner. The Counselor and I may be able to talk for hours on end about any subject, we may have a lot in common, I may find his stupid sweater vests adorable, but if he can't feel about me strongly, I cannot force that or pretend that that is okay. I want more than indifference. So much more.

Con Amor,

The Lady

I’m back with stories to tell. It’s taken me a while to put the past months dating adventures to print, but get ready to vicariously live through my painful and awkward fall.

When we left off I was going on dates with Sam and he was gearing up for law school. Henry and Lucy Steele decided to make their love known through the infamous FB official made-for-each-other relationship post after only a month of dating. Some may say that’s jumping the gun...and they would be correct.

I finally had to stop following Lucy’s FB posts which consist mainly of love poems.

Back to Sam and me: things with us were great and by that I mean I wasn’t a sleep deprived skeleton. A rarity when it comes to guys and me. And by rarity I mean it’s a bad sign because if I’m pigging out on food and sleeping 9 hours a night it usually means I don’t like the guy. It’s not an ideal barometer, but it’s all I have.

While I was trying to figure out my next move with Sam, things got a lot more interesting. Grant asked me out. Grant the guy I had been buddy buddy with all summer who was also buddy buddy with Sam.

In all the months spent with Grant, I never thought about dating him. At all. This has little to do with him and more about me being oblivious. Our date was a short jaunt to a local restaurant. We ate, we laughed, and then we went home. I can’t stress enough how brevity on a first date can fuel the desire for future encounters. An especially fun part of the night was when Grant asked if I knew Sam. Apparently, they were in a band together and he’s bummed Sam hits the road in a week.

Smile and nod people, smile and nod.

Does anyone else feel like I randomly met members of the same group of guy friends and dated all of them for the past couple months? At some point they’re going to get together and realize they all wooed the same girl summer 2014. Hopefully, I won’t be in the room when they do.

Also Grant’s in law school. I swear I don’t try to date only lawyers. I can’t decide if they’re my type or if I’m theirs? Does anyone else only find themselves dating in the same professional pool of guys?

-The Bluestocking

Once upon a time, a not-so-young but still so naive Lady found herself in a predicament on a chilly Halloween night. She had contented herself to dance as she pleased at a party with a large group of friends, and went home quite satisfied. Now clad in a baggy university sweatshirt, leggings, and long socks, she removed the thick, garish makeup from her eyes and curled up on the couch with a mug of apple cider. With only the hopes of watching Hocus Pocus to successfully end the night, she never could have anticipated the sly advances of The Younger Man. As the man was four years her younger, The Lady thought nothing of it when he planted himself closely next to her on the couch rather than sitting on the opposite end.

Hocus Pocus was still in the throes of the rising action when all other occupants of the living room fell fast asleep, leaving The Lady and The Younger Man alone in consciousness. The Younger Man did not wait long to put his arm around The Lady, and being much too tired to care and hardly prudish (or wise), The Lady was content to rest her head upon his shoulder. The Younger Man took advantage of the low lights to kiss The Lady who for some reason did not mind.

And that's how The Lady became entangled (metaphorically speaking of course) with her roommate's younger brother.

What has become of reform?

Con Amor,
The Lady

I have two questions for you.

A) What do you do to bring the Spirit into your life?
B) What do you do in your dating relationships to keep the Spirit?

Now, analyze your answers for me....are they the same? Or do they look more like the answers to 2 completely different questions?

I feel like most of us would answer the first question along the lines of, pray, read the scriptures, fast, go to the temple, etc. Our answers to the second question might be more varied, but it seems like the first things many of us think of are go on group dates, avoid being alone late at night, set boundaries, etc.

So my next question is....why aren't our answers to those questions the same?
Granted, there are important things to consider in regards to relationships, such as setting boundaries. I'm not trying to discount the importance of those. But why aren't we more eager to incorporate things like praying together, reading the scriptures together, and fasting as a couple into our relationships?
Maybe some of you are better than I was in college and you do try to do these things with your significant other. Unfortunately for me, my two long relationships at BYU had a significant lack of shared religious activity. Why? I have no idea! Sure, occasionally we'd go to church together, but for some reason I can only remember reading scriptures once with the Ex and not at all with Mr. Director. I think we'd pray before eating dinner sometimes. We went and did baptisms at the temple once. Despite the fact that I was very active in practicing my faith, there was a big separation between my religious life and my dating life. And to be honest, I really don't know why that separation was there. I mean, heck, I attended BYU! It's a religious university! I loved my classes that taught me how to incorporate my beliefs and values into the practice of psychology. So why didn't I incorporate those beliefs more into my personal relationships!?

The whole reason I've even been thinking about this is because Ammon asked me to help him plan a lesson for his gospel principles class about the law of chastity. He really didn't want it to be awkward and he also didn't want it to be a long list of "don't do this, don't do that." Mostly, he wanted the class to be able to understand that the best way to keep the law of chastity is to focus on establishing a Christlike relationship from the beginning, especially by doing the small things that will bring the Spirit and help you understand your significant other on a spiritual level. It made me think, why haven't I ever thought of dating this way? I've had so many church lessons on dating and chastity but I feel like I never had a lesson where I came out of it wanting to study the scriptures or pray with my boyfriend. It wasn't until after my mission that these were things I tried to implement.

Now, having experienced both types of relationships, I must say that I definitely prefer the one with lots of spiritual interaction. During our week together and these days that's basically all Ammon and I do--read the scriptures, have gospel discussions, etc. It's amazing to compare how much stronger our relationship is after 2 months to how my relationships with past boyfriends were at 2 months. This one has so much more substance. To be honest, I don't think I could tell you Ammon's favorite color or his favorite movie...well, let's see....nope, I can't. But he's shared with me some of the cool spiritual experiences he's had while reading the scriptures. I know what things are most important to him and what things he prays about every day. I know what type of a person he is trying to become. It makes me wonder why I ever tried to do dating without all of these things.

What are your thoughts? Good idea, bad idea? Are these totally unrealistic expectations? Have you tried it both ways and seen a difference?

the charmer

The Most Awkward Ask Out

Choose Your Love

New Year's Eve

The thing about small towns.

The Return of the James Part III

The Return of the James Part II

Ringing in the new year with a little bit of love

The Return of the James

The Lady's Year in Review

Merry Christmas from The Lady

Winter in China

Ben the Bold II

Ben the Bold

Merry Christmas?

Blue's Fall Adventures: October

They're Baaaaaack

All the right guys in all the weird places.

C'est la vie.

Blue's Fall Adventures: September

Blue’s Fall Adventures: August Part II

The opposite of love.

Blue's Fall Adventures: August

Halloween Hiccup

Christlike relationships and a law of chastity lesson

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