Nightcall Aftermath

8/09/2014 The Blue Stocking 2 Comments

Going into church after the phone call with Henry was a nervy experience. While I wanted to act easy breezy I worried that I might freak out mid breezy and bolt at the sight of him. I was put to the test the second I stepped out of Sunday School and saw him in the hall. He was on one end, I on the other. I smiled, waved, and ducked into the nearest classroom on my right.

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Once the coast was clear, I exited and continued down the hall when I saw James. The second he saw me, he slowed his roll, backed up against the wall and turned his face from me. I’m not kidding. That happened.

When did church become a series of avoidance maneuvers?

I finally made it to class and took the seat next to Calvin. I know I don’t mention him all too often, but I should because he’s wonderful. He’s just that guy who’s nice and makes you feel good about yourself, but not in a slimy I’m–hitting-on-you kind of way.

Halfway through the lesson I volunteered to read and once I was done Calvin pointed out that a lot of guys were watching me while I read. I look at the direction he was referring to and there was James.

Maybe he doesn’t hate me?

That night I was hanging out with friends when a girl from my ward texted me inviting me to a game night and emphasized that James would be there and I should come.

What the world?

While I would love to fix things with James, it does bother me that he continues to treat me as if I killed his dog and told him he was next. We don’t have to be friends, but if he could say hi to me, that would be awesome.

Mostly my goal for the Summer/Fall is to find peace. I’m tired of being haunted by my past relationships. I’m tired of punishing myself by thinking and reliving every moment of every date asking myself over and over “what else could I have done.” I can’t live with the constant blame so something needs to change. 

Also, for the past month things have been going down with Sam and I may or may not have a new guy to add to the mix. I can’t emphasize how crazy this summer has been. 

-The Bluestocking

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QuiteHopeful? said...

Oh Blue, that second to last paragraph just spoke to me. Your goals totally echo my own...I find myself going over past relationships in my head way too much lately and I can't help but think that I am simply scared that I have already had my quota of "acceptable boyfriends" and I messed up somehow and I am all out of future possibilities and the only thing that I still have in store for me romantically one. Do you feel that way?

YES! Definitely. And when I'm not feeling like a screw-up, I have this fear that my pickiness will leave me waiting a good 3 years before I find another "acceptable" boyfriend. The only thing that keeps me from beating myself up is knowing that if those relationships were supposed to work out, they would have. They didn't happen for a reason. And if I did something to mess them up, I did it because in that moment something didn't feel right. Over the years I've learned I need to trust past me. I may not be the perfect dater, but I have always done what I thought was best and I have to trust that it was. I think a lot of our worry and doubt can be solved by trusting our own judgement and trusting God.