No man is offended by another man's admiration of the woman he loves; it is the woman only who can make it a torment.

12/14/2011 The Lady 10 Comments

I take comfort in the fact that I am not the only woman [girl...young lady...] who has ever had to cope with being in love with [extreme affection, not actual love] the same man as a good friend. The past few days have been infuriating. I have been refraining from disclosing any information regarding my personal love life [or lack thereof] as of late because I feel that it is almost too boring to discuss if nothing is happening. But I will divulge today. You would think that if a girl can be attracted to five men all at once, something might happen with at least one of them. Well friends, my luck has vanished. Vanished like a gambler's lucky streak. [Five points if you can name the song].

First, allow me to explain the Frenzy of Five. During this stage in the dating game [where The Coquette is not actually being courted by anyone in particular], I have always found it unwise to be infatuated with just one man, because he is surely to disappoint. [Perhaps I should change my name to The Misanthropist]. And so I have found it to be to the best of my advantage to have a continual circle of five men towards whom I may entertain my romantic intentions. This month's Frenzy of Five include:

1. The Doctor [curse him]
2. Perry Mason [oh, he's lovely]
3. Mr. Cowboy [naturally]
4. The Drive-By Hugger [unexpectedly]
5. Mr. Rival [unfortunately]

*The Frenzy of Five not presented in order of preference. The Frenzy of Five is subject to change almost daily, and so it should be thought of in a cyclical arrangement, rather than a numbered list.

I do not have the time to delve into each situation, because if I did this would be a really long post. So I am afraid that the synopsis will have to wait until a time in the not too distant future.

Allow me to focus the premise of this post on Perry Mason. Like I said, he is lovely. There is something about him that just tickles my fancy. It may be that he always dresses like a man. Not like a college boy, but a college man. He is the embodiment of a Dapper Dan. It may be that we can sit around and discuss musicals and literature for hours. It may be that our conversations are brimful of witty banter. It may be that I believe that we will make the most attractive babies. [Too crude?] And it may also be that I have good reason to believe that he will in fact be very well off one day. ["A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of." -Jane Austen] All in all, good ol' Perry Mason is very nearly, almost absolutely, wonderfully perfect.

Unfortunately, last week, we experienced a slight hitch. Alright, so it's a major hitch. But I have no reason to sincerely worry about this hitch, unless he becomes "hitched". Mr. Perry Mason is falling fast for a dear friend, and she is likewise falling for him. And honestly, I cannot blame either of them. Blast. But my personal preference for myself has left me wanting to take action through diabolical means. Wrong of me? Perhaps?

Here is the plan:
I will speed up all the processes in which I know Perry Mason would normally take his sweet time. Through my gentle prodding, they will begin a whirlwind relationship, and then shortly it will fail because of an all too rapid acceleration. And then guess who will be standing there, ready to comfort Mr. Mason? The ever-faithful Coquette, his dear friend.

It may not be a perfect nor highly moral plan, but honestly, I do not know what you were expecting from me.

If Perry Mason were beginning to become interested a complete stranger, that would be much easier to cope with. But no, he must be infatuated with a dear friend, with whom I spend almost all of my free time. And now I spend all my free time with the two of them. I am too proud to accept it. I must either remove the problem or remove myself. And since I am not entirely content to destroy my own social life, the problem will be the first to go. And it's not as though I am doing something so Iago-esque. The problem is that it does feel so immoral to have such bitter feelings towards dear friends, but all is fair in love and war. It may even be my fault if the two actually get married. So until then, I will be playing musical chairs [like I did all last night] so that Perry Mason may sit by his precious conquest. And in the end, it will be who is worth all his trouble.

I know, I am being entirely too vain and selfish. The sad truth is, I would almost rather be a known as a true and faithful friend than as the lucky lover [No, not that sort of lover. Get your minds out of the gutter.] of Perry Mason. Curse my due north loyalties.

Another friend recently asked me advice about a similar situation. How can we, as good and admirable people, steal [or attempt to steal] the love of a certain someone away from a friend? And honestly, I do not know the answer. The hard and callous Coquette wants to declare a full on battle. May the best man [er...woman] win! After all, love is a battlefield is it not? But I think the answer to this is to choose what you would rather have in your life. A charming and handsome man, or a dear friend?

All I can say is, thank goodness for the Frenzy of Five. When one particular catch lets me down, there is always another man whose attentions I can look forward to. It never fails.

And may the best man win.

Con Amor,
The Coquette

You Might Also Like


Elisabeth said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who has a "frenzy of five". It's nice to have something to fall back on. But yeah, it's always harder to have a crush fall for a friend than to have them like someone you don't know. "I hate her; I'll think of a reason later," as a funny country song says... but it doesn't quite work when they're your friend.

Anonymous said...

Argh! As much as you are The Coquette, you're not! You are a true, dear friend. Unfortunately. Well. More blog fodder for us! I'm definitely looking forward to the details on each of the five. And by the by, it is beyond me how this blog doesn't have a larger following. I think it's the best-kept secret of BYU! Maybe it doesn't have a larger following because we all keep it a secret? Happy Thursday! (Oh! Might any of the five have place in your holiday plans?)

Anonymous said...

Dear Coquette,
This is indeed a very precarious situation. In fact, I find myself in a similar situation-but in the place of the dear friend. Just take it from me, that this is a very difficult experience. Remember that your friendship is more important than the boy. He may stick around or he may leave entirely, but your relationship with your dear friend is more important than who ends up dating/marrying him. It may take lots of heartache, tears, and anger on both ends, but be VERY open with your dear friend. COMMUNICATE. This is soooo important as I've found out. Good luck! I love reading your stories and wish you the best!

Lou said...

Dear Coquette,
Yes your relationship is important with your friend, but in 20 years you could be married to this boy and not even know the name of this girl. Perspective! I'm not saying do anything nasty, but be willing to fight for something you value. If this boy is worth is throw your hat in the ring :)

The Gardener said...

The problem with this situation is that you could end up with neither. I am all about the scheming, if it is for the right purposes. If you go about it the wrong way, however, you could find yourself eating at Zupas all alone with neither girl nor boy friend to eat the chocolate covered strawberries with. All I'm saying, is to be careful. Be incredibly sneaky, or completely honest. Either one works, but if you find yourself stuck in somewhere in the middle of the two, you might as well be trying to take a test in the JSB. You'll never be able to get out without upsetting a good handful of people. Do what your conscious can sleep well with. Good luck.

Anony said...

Coquette, I love you! You're so funny. And why isn't Colonel Paisley in the cycling five? I do think you two would be a lot of fun. You know, since I know both of you so well from your writings!

Back to the topic: Surely your friend knows you have a thing for him?

Anonymous said...

Pray about it. Seriously. It might see weird to pray about, basically, "Is it okay to mess up my friend's relationship?", but as has been mentioned in previous comments, you don't know what will happen. You could end up with the guy and not the girl. You could lose both of them. You don't know. But Heavenly Father DOES know what will make you happiest in the end, and that's never a bad thing to find out.

Adverb said...

This is too funny. About a month ago I was ready to write to you (and the other lovely Anti-Austen ladies) because I had found myself in a similar situation. Only here, a crush and friend of 8+ years takes the place of Perry Mason, and my best friend and roommate of 2 years takes the place of the dear friend.

I was so conflicted, and seeing them together always elicited a twist of the knife that I felt sticking out of my back. But, perhaps because I'm the type to lie down in the face of conflict rather than pressing my case, I ended up facilitating this relationship: going on initial double dates, acting as a wingman to both parties, dispensing advice and listening to stories. It hurt for a long time. But it did get better. And as a result, I've become a very close friend with my Perry Mason figure, something that I never was able to finagle in my previous 14 years of friendship with him, and I've realized this is, in most every way, much better than what would have occurred had my friend not fallen for him, and had I continued to chase him myself.

I recognize that this is a hard place to be, and that our situations are not exactly the same, but do think about how it may have positive impacts down the road.

Good luck.

Annie said...
This is a system I quite like. Each guy in your "frenzy" probably fills a similar role as the ones in the gaggle.

Blogger said...

If you'd like an alternative to casually flirting with girls and trying to find out the right thing to do...

If you would prefer to have women chase YOU, instead of spending your nights prowling around in filthy pubs and night clubs...

Then I urge you to view this eye-opening video to find out a strong secret that can literally get you your personal harem of sexy women just 24 hours from now: