We have all a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it, than any other person can be.

3/30/2012 The Lady 0 Comments

Last night, I was at Love's Labor's Lost (if you were playing Anti-Austen Where's Waldo) with my roommates. We all sat there in our "singledom" witnessing a spectacle all about love in all its fickle intricacies. I propped myself up in my chair, judging the actors' performance critically with a keen eye (as I always do), but really wrapped up in my thoughts about how much easier it seemed to fall in love then, than it does now.

The men simply see the women, talk to them for a short time, and BAM! they are ready for courtship and marriage. Even taking the concept of this instant sort of love away from the arena of a Shakespeare play, and applying it to say . . . a random period of time such as the 1940's, it was still plausible! My own grandfather, saw my grandmother and knew in an instant that she was the one that he was going to marry. He proceeded to court her and within a year they were married. Easy peasy. Rice and cheesy.

Why doesn't his happen now?

Perhaps (I think this is true at least for myself), we as women, as not particularly looking to be swept up. We have plans. We have aspirations and ambition. We want to go somewhere. We are no longer limited to one sphere: the domestic. But even if we, as Latter Day Saint women, have the domestic sphere as our ultimate goal, we've become pessimistic and unwilling to believe that we could simply be swept up. We don't believe that it happens, so it doesn't happen. (Except for those naive freshmen, who get swept up and then judged by the rest of us spinsters. They obviously don't know what they're doing. Silly children).

Another reason may be that we've let our dear Jane get to our heads. (Once again: Me). We reserve the right to turn down proposals and turn down dates and all sorts of things. We are infused with this new womanly right. We want to be Elizabeth Bennet. To be that sort of woman with such character and wit and determination. Oh, to be Elizabeth Bennet! Perhaps we too quickly judge certain men to be Mr. Collinses or Wickhams or other "undesirables" before realizing that they may be Mr. Darcys or Colonel Brandons.

Alright, so the truth is, I don't exactly know what my point is. All I know is that now I'm looking to be swept up.

Con Amor,
The Lady

P.S. Go see Love's Labor's Lost! Tonight is the
last night. So if you find yourself in need of a
good play, with good acting, and mediocre
(bordering on horrible) accents, go see it!
I told you I was a harsh critic . . .

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Baby Names and Wedding Dates

3/29/2012 The Romantic 6 Comments

Almost three years ago, I thought I had met the love of my life, the love of my eternity rather. We met in February, and became friends. By April, we became the best of friends. By May it was official. There was no turning back. We were in love.

It was the first time I really loved someone more than I loved myself. We even had baby names picked out. William and Amelia. Will and Mia for short.

There is still one night I very clearly remember.
We were standing at my door step saying goodbye. We had probably been "saying goodbye" for a good hour.

We stopped kissing, and I looked up into his eyes.
"Do your really think we'll get married?" It was a clear summer night. The stars and moon were shining. It was just chilly enough to crave his arms being wrapped around me. The mood was light.

But he grew serious with his answer. "I really think so. We're going to make it."

And I believed it. We never fought. And we both loved each other despite all of our inadequacies. It was one of those glorious relationships where you are able to communicate everything to the other person without saying anything at all.
But then there was a fall-out. I wouldn't, and still won't, settle for anything less than a temple marriage. But he wasn't ready for one.

So there was break-up. Which was more of a break than a break-up because I still loved him despite the fact that it just wasn't going to work. But then I was whisked away on my study abroad.

E-mails were hard. I wanted so much to hear his voice. I called him once on my birthday, as a present to myself. And then once more later. It was the end call. The call that broke my heart.

He met someone else. We weren't right for each other. It was the end. I'm still ashamed at the things I said.

"I hate you. I hate her. Don't you dare think of taking her to our places." And the worst: "I never want to speak to you again."

I had never loved anyone as much as him, and never hated anyone as much as him.
Days passed. I didn't do anything except cry, probably terrifying both my flat mate, and my host mother. I read his letters every night before I went to bed, trying to relive every moment I had lost.

But time has passed. And somehow, I'm over it.

Our in-box has piled up with several letters inquiring how one gets over a break up.

I don't think anyone ever really knows how to get over a break up. But here are some things I've learned through personal experience:

1) When it's been serious, you can't just go back to being friends. It's impossible. Sorry. You've got to cut them out. I've sent and received enough needy text messages to realize that it's just better to end things with dignity; not bitterness and self-pity.
2) Give yourself a few days to mope. But then you've got to move on. Make new friends. Develop new habits. Create an identity outside of the couple you used to be.
3) When the moments of sadness take over, don't torture yourself by reading old letters, text messages and pouring over his facebook page. It'll hurt you. And you'll continue to identify yourself as someone he rejected.
4) Read your scriptures. Say your prayers. Go to the temple. Throw yourself into your calling. After every break-up I've gone through, those four simple things have helped me more than anything else.
5)Remember who you are, and that you are worth it. No matter what your low self-esteem is inclined to tell you.

That is what I've learned these past three years of relationships. I've tried to get over break ups in all ways imaginable; chocolate and ice cream, fashion, revenge (well, hardly). But I think the biggest thing to remember is patience. Time is the biggest healer of all wounds. It will still hurt a little bit every day. Until one day you'll wake up. And guess what? It won't hurt any more.

xoxo
-the Romantic

PS just in case you're wondering, looks like I'll have to have surgery again. I won't actually be back to Provo for awhile. As the Koreans would put it. T.T

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Red Light, Green Light- Reading the Signals

3/28/2012 The Closer 7 Comments

I remember that there used to be a time when I was good at "reading the signals". Wait, was there a time like that? I can't even remember anymore. Allow me to elaborate on my confusion.

When we left things off with The Lone Wanderer, I was riding a high from spending eight hours together followed by two days of continuous texting initiated by him, and then waiting for him to get back from another weekend camping expedition. I was also weighing the pros and cons of trying to foster a relationship long distance.

...Then he came back from the mountains. And I caved and initiated a short lived text conversation. Then I left it up to him, and didn't hear anything for days. Tried to initiate again on Monday, a good but short conversation. Left it up to him again, and nothing.

So let's analyze this data, because we know that us ladies love to analyze.

Data point #1. The Lone Wanderer is most definitely on the quiet and shy side, I flirted it up with him big time on the hiking trip I met him on. All flirting was well received.

Data point #2. I sent a couple of texts in the weeks after the trip, mostly talking about pictures that got uploaded and things of that nature. Nothing too big here.

Data point #3. I came home to a note on our kitchen whiteboard from him one day. I very slightly freak out because he's in town and was in my kitchen and left me a note. (Reminder: He lives out of state.).

Data point #4. He saves me a seat next to him at church that Sunday.

Data point #5. I invite he and his friend over for lunch. They come, friend leaves, he stays, the entire rest of the day.

Data point #6. He makes lunch plans with me when he misses his flight the next day.

Data point #7. He texts me that night to say goodbye because he's leaving in the morning.

Data point #8. He texts me in the morning to tell me not to be too sad about him making his flight this time.

Data point #9. We text the rest of the day- fun, funny, and he keeps it going.

Data point #10. I send a text the next day, he keeps conversation going the rest of the day.

Data point #11. Apparently absence does not make the heart grow fonder, it's more like out-of-sight, out-of-mind.

Maybe I am only seeing the data the supports what I want to see, but c'mon, that seemed like some pretty clear cut interest. Maybe just not enough to try and keep it going from different states? Oh, another data point to mention, he ended up having to work in Oregon (not Idaho) over the summer, and he found that out right when he got back from his weekend camping trip. Is that what changed things? Oregon is much farther from Utah than Idaho after all.

Now onto example number two of why I'm questioning my ability to read a man's signals. For this one I'm going to make you dig back in your memory banks for Happy McSmiles. I had been really excited, then not so excited, then back to a healthy level of excitement. I was sure that he had been flirting with me, especially after he read a bunch of my (non-anonymous) blog and messaged with me on facebook, and all kinds of little things. He comes and talks to me every chance he gets when I see him at Place, and I always figured he was either too shy to get my number, or there had never been an opportune moment without other peering eyes around. Again, I'm sure this was me misinterpreting everything.

What really felt like a slap in the face happened a couple of weeks ago. He was asking if I ever date shorter guys (I'm tall and I thought that he and I were the same height). I said that I have before, and if the guy is comfortable with it, I don't think it's too big of a deal. He then replies that he doesn't think he could do that, because he has "a friend who is the same height as you" that he can tell likes him, but he just couldn't date.

What the- mixed signals? This could easily turn into a rant about how lame it is to exclude someone from your dating pool for a half-inch height difference, but we'll have to save that for another day. Mostly I just think it's time for me to re-calibrate how I interpret interest from a guy. Or is there another problem at hand here that I am not seeing?

Yours Truly,

The Closer


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A Letter to Mr. Director

3/27/2012 The Charmer 6 Comments

Dear Mr. Director,

Some days you are so frustrating.

Some days I get so fed up with your commitment phobia and the fact that half of your friends are girls that it makes me crazy and I tell my roommate, "I am going to MARCH OVER to his house and tell him that we're THROUGH! RIGHT NOW! I MEAN IT!"

And sometimes I even do tell you, "I'm done. Really. I mean it."

It's days like that when I make up my mind to go out and find a taller man who will always agree with me. (Preferably one who can foxtrot.)

But then I remember how I like the fact that you don't let me walk all over you. I remember how you won't let me get away with negativity and how you make me tell you two things I do like every time I say I CAN'T STAND ____ (olives, rain, my 2.5 hour Wednesday night class, slow walkers, etc.)!
I remember how you aren't afraid to tell me the things that bother you about our relationship in the hope that talking about them will help fix them.
I remember how much you praise all of my little accomplishments; in your eyes, it seems I am worthy of being the next Food Network star AND America's Next Top Model AND Teacher of the Year.

And I remember how you tried to dance the foxtrot with me even though you had no idea what you were doing and you really didn't like it. (I have faith that it could grow on you!)

Because despite the fact that sometimes I get frustrated with your antics, deep down I still like you.

And maybe that's what love is. I'm starting to understand that love is being willing to overlook the way someone laughs or the way they eat carrots. Love is helping someone work through his fears instead of condemning him for them.

Sometimes we have bad days. But then there are those days when we sit on your front porch as the sun sets and just laugh about life. We laugh and laugh as we intermix serious topics with silly things and it's so very easy to be myself. Those are the days I thank my lucky stars that you came into my life and I wonder, Is this...could this...could you...maybe...be IT?

I don't know if we end up together. But I do know you've taught me a lot about myself and a lot about love.

And for that, I will always be grateful.

xoxo,
The Charmer

NOTE: Okay, okay, so it wasn't a story. Forgive me. :)

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"A woman had better show more affection than she feels"

3/27/2012 The Blue Stocking 2 Comments

Last week I wrote about the epidemic of neutrality…this week I’m paying the consequences.

On Sunday, Bingley decided to ignore me, nothing too dramatic, he just made it a point to not have me as his focus. Guess what cures neutrality? Jealousy.

Well played Bingley. Well played.

I spent a week fuming over his sudden lack of interest, and just when I had reached a decision to except my loses and move on, he called and asked me out again. I have to say I was excited and jitter and all of those silly things I've been craving.

I don’t love his technique, but I can’t argue with its success.

We went out and once again we had a great time. The only thing that truly concerns me is the fact that I don’t really know him. I hate to do this, but do you remember good ol Scoot from last summer? Well I can’t help noticing that Scoot and I shared more about ourselves in one night then Bingley and I have in two months. It concerns me.

What concerns me even more is the fact that Bingley has decided to continue his method of ignoring me and then out of the blue asking me to do super significant things…like have Sunday dinner with his parents {they’re lovely people by the by}.

You would think that having me meet his family would have at least meant that he would talk to me at FHE or heaven forbid answer my texts, but nope.

I’m utterly bamboozled.

Now I don’t want to overload you with drama, but I’m about to reference yet another past boy. Service Guy. Good ol SG, who I hung out with non stop for a full semester and he never asked me out. Well he moved out of the ward last semester, but this month he has been texting me how much he misses me and last week he asked if I would come over and watch a movie with him…alone…on a Friday night.

Fishy? Why yes, yes it is.

Here’s the real kicker. I don’t like him anymore. Is it just me or am I sounded rather fickle. Honestly, I don’t mean to be. I just can’t help it. I don’t like him anymore, I wish I did, but I just don’t.

Plus, I think I need to be concentrating on Bingley right now. I guess the only conclusion I’ve come up with is if I like Bingley, then I need to start working harder for him. It’s like Miss Austen said

“In nine cases out of ten, a woman had better show more affection than she feels"

Wish me luck

-The Blue Stocking

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Hindsight is 20/20

3/23/2012 The Lady 3 Comments

First of all, let me just express my overabundant excitement that my dear friend, The Romantic, is home. I am so happy! Every time I talk to her, I have to apologize for being so happy. Although I wish that she could finish her mission and not deal with these health problems, I am inherently selfish and rejoice in the fact that my life gets to be blessed by her presence once again.

"Selfishness must always be forgiven you know, because there is no hope of a cure."
-Jane Austen


With that being said, let's get down to business (to defeat the Huns!). It took him long enough, but Clive finally asked me out. He must have succumbed to my penetrating meaningful look. The blessed event took place last Friday, and I am excited to have a date story for you all at long last.

Since it has been a week since our date, and the initial "power surge" of it all has, for the meantime, worn off, my intent is to invite you all into the "before and after" mechanical workings of my mind.

Before:
I arrived home at 11:30pm on Friday, and commenced to run my mental eyes over every inch of the date that had just moments before ended in (what seemed to me) the tenderest of all post-date hugs given to me by a man. Strong and purposeful, yet not lingering. I slipped into my sweats and Napoleon Dynamite socks and described in vivid, gory detail every moment of the date to my ever-so-patient roommate. I was enthralled. Every time he put his hand on my back, or leaned in close to whisper something to me, was nothing short of magical.

And for the first time in a very long time, a man took genuine interest in my life and what I had to say about it. Between Clive and I, we crossed oceans-worth of good conversation. We discussed everything from Shakespeare to traumatic childhood experiences, and not once was it dull. Not once did I have the desire to escape. It was incredibly refreshing. It was like taking a spoonful of sugar, yes, after the medicine has gone down.

Oh, and then there was the post-"scheduled"-date movie. How intimate. The potentiality! We settled on the couch neither dangerously close, nor too obviously apart. As the plot of the of the movie progressed, Clive was raging a battle of his own. Throughout the movie, he would laugh and as he did so, his hand (his large and beautifully manly hand!) would find its way creeping along the edge of "The Danger Zone" wherein he could easily scoop my hand up with his and commence. . .holding my hand. Instead of playing 90/10, Clive was playing 75/25. I can go 10, but I can't possibly go 25! It's much too forward. This aggravating game was played for a full hour and twenty-three minutes.

Then the whole wonderful evening was wrapped up in one splendid embrace. Clive and The Lady. Perfection.

This was me for a whole three days after our date:



After:
The week went by, and I didn't hear from Clive. Not only did I not hear from him, I didn't even see him. The effect was somewhat devastating, leading to this quite irrational initial reaction:

However, I quickly gathered myself together and then analyzed the date from my new perspective.

The conversation on the date was good, there was no denying that. It had the slightest hint of "first date" which was inevitable, but overall good. Although sometimes it seemed that Clive was a little more interested in the food than he was in me. This is forgivable and understandable, some people just tap into their inner fat kid when under pressure. So I can therefore give this portion of the date a low A or high B at least.

As I reminisced about the movie, I realized that Clive probably had no intentions of holding my hand that night. I know he is a slow mover. His laugh must simply cause his hands to go shooting out from his body, and since my hand was nearby, it was a simple mistake. As for the hug, there was no special intention behind it. It was the obligatory post-date hug. Meh.

So, very much like The Bluestocking, I have slowly waded my way into the neutrality zone. The epidemic is indeed spreading. Meh again.

Con Amor,
The Lady

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Sometimes Mr. Perfect is Right Around the Corner

3/22/2012 The Closer 1 Comments

In order to continue granting the requests for more stories, I have a terrific random-happenstance story for you this week!

This past Sunday I had a meeting with my bishop (all good things I promise), and I was one of his last appointments. As usual, he's running a little behind, so I was just hanging out with the executive secretary and another guy friend from the ward (we'll call him Mijo).

[A small premise for this story is that I have frequent hang outs with Mijo (no chemistry here), and I've told him on multiple occasions about what a terrible and awkward flirt I think I am.] 

Okay, on with the story. The three of us were talking and laughing and I did something jokingly flirtatious to the executive secretary, I don't even remember what. Then Mijo exclaims how I talk like I don't know how to flirt, but per this recent example, apparently I do.

It's at this point that I explain how I maybe I am a good flirt on the outside, but inside I'm a mess. And of course, when I am really really interested in someone, I say and do terribly awkward things. I felt like this statement needed some evidence.

[The next premise that you will need to know is that at one point, without giving too much detail, I persisted in having a much-longer-than-it-should-have-been text conversation with Mr. Perfect about how much I love ham. Yes, ham. And how much I love it. I really do love it though. But I should not text boys about this. No I should not. Premise finished.]

No sooner than I had uttered the words "So one time there was this guy I really liked...", than there was a knock on the window behind me, and it was none other than Mr. Perfect waving hello. I can only imagine what my face must have looked like. What are the odds?? I guess he is in my stake, but really, the timing of that could not be more ridiculous.

He then strolled in and was handsome and funny and charming as usual, and when he left Mijo said "I like that guy, who is he?".

And I replied with "That's the guy I was literally just going to tell you a story about the terribly awkward thing I did to him, that's who. So yeah, you're not the only one that likes him."

Mijo said he doesn't blame me, he has a little bit of a crush on him too now. Apparently not only the ladies are susceptible to Mr. Perfect's charm.

Yours Truly,

The Closer

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The Plights of a Recently Returned Sister Missionary

3/21/2012 The Romantic 4 Comments

I suppose this is where I sheepishly make a formal apology to every awkward RM that I've ever made fun of.

Not that I'm letting some of you off the hook. There are just no excuses for the painfully awkward encounters I've had with some RMs.

But I'm just saying, I get it now.

Without further ado, some trials of a recently returned missionary:

1) the awkward YSA from the last ward that you served in who keeps messaging you on facebook. Ok Brother Lee, you're 35. And although you're fluent in English, I just can't flirt with you. You're too... American. It freaks me out.

2) forgetting how to flirt over facebook... I just plain forgot. Sorry kid, I know you had a slight crush on me before my mission. But it seems I can only be witty while wearing a black name tag.

3) The meat market singles ward I now attend. Most people are over 25. Marriage is now a matter of life and eternal salvation. And I just don't have the chops to keep up.

4) My new ward's resident Mr. Collins. I know there's a date coming soon. And I'm horrified.
Here's a tidbit of a conversation I had with him last Monday:
Mr. C: So who's your favorite sculptor? (uh, did I tell you I was an art history major...? awkward)
Me: Rodin
Mr. C: I've never heard of him...
Me: Have you heard of The Kiss?
Mr. C: OH him! I hate him... Nudity is just gross.
(insert incredibly awkward pause here)
Mr. C: So who's your favorite artist?
Me: uhhhh. (why are you still talking to me?)

I just spent the last six months of my life learning how to make small talk with people in a non-awkward way, but now I just can't do it anymore.

5) the sinking "i will never get married" fear has returned. facebook and pinterest will be the death of me. but i guess on the bright side, if i do find that special guy, the wedding is pretty much already planned. what with all the free time I have on my hands now. (You're getting my sarcasm right?)

There is one incredibly cute boy in my single's ward that I've always had a crush on. I've always thought he was really stand offish and no interested in me in the slightest. But he did help me make my pinewood derby car during FHE Monday night. However, I still can't flirt to save my life.

But maybe that's a good thing.

xoxo
-the Romantic

ps. MRI on Saturday to see if I need more surgery. Pray for me?

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Quote-Worthy

3/20/2012 The Charmer 13 Comments

I heard through the grapevine that one of our readers wanted "more stories and less advice!" And I realized that I haven't been telling many stories lately! Sorry guys. It's probably because I don't have any good stories from my current dating life, and in my current mood anything I write about my dating life will be a lot less...cheery...than I like to be. I promise I'll give you more good stories. Soon.

WELL.

This will be a relatively uneventful entry. My sleep schedule has been totally wonky the past week or so and my body is freaking out a little bit. In addition, at the moment I am having multiple conversations via text, email, and Facebook chat while simultaneously watching a terribly boring video of a group therapy session for one of my classes. So, I apologize if my writing is subpar.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share with you some gems from my dating life. These are things that real boys have said to me over the past four years. Most of them were pickup lines of sorts; a lot of them were things that boys said to me the first time I met them. Gentlemen-- I wouldn't recommend using most of these lines on the girl you're trying to win over.

On a date: "I only got two people Christmas presents this year. One for my mom....and one for you."

A random stranger as I walked home: "Hey. Your shoes are really quiet. No, really. Most people make more noise when they walk."

"I've been waiting for a year to ask you out." (This has actually been said to me on two occasions by two different boys. And actually, one of these boys literally just said it to me again on Facebook chat about 10 minutes ago. He said, "I guess I've waited a year for you, I can wait another one." I think he was kidding. I think.)

A Sunday early in the semester: "So, I notice you've worn a different color outfit to church every Sunday so far this semester. You've worn green, yellow, purple, white, and now pink. I'm just waiting for you to repeat a color."

Meeting a boy: "Hey, what's your name? (I reply) Did I see you on Saturday? (Me: Uhhh...) At the duck pond? (Me: Oh, yup, that was me) Cool. (pause) I'm FancyPants."

"Hey, I see you everywhere! In fact, I saw you 7 times today! I saw you on the way to devotional, at devotional, leaving devotional, in the library, walking by the Tanner building, in the Wilk, and then just now. We should be friends!" (That was three years ago, and after returning from his mission I still continue to see him everywhere. Maybe he's my soulmate.)

The first day of class during a new semester. This boy was an RRM, bless his heart: "Can I sit by you for the rest of the year?"

"Freshmen girls are like flowers, they just need time...to bloom." (As freshmen, we were completely creeped out by this obviously not-freshman lurking in the Cannon Center. And we continued to be creeped out for the next two years as this boy continued to pop up in my life.)

"You're Miss Utah?!" Um, no. No I am not.

Coming from Piano Man: "I figured it out, Charmer; I'm just too manly for you." Yup, it doesn't get much manlier than jazz piano.

A boy I never dated: "I'm sorry I haven't been talking to you, but it was irritating me that I couldn't get over you. And this is the way I've found to get over you."

"Hey, you're from (insert state name here)? So do you wear short shorts?" (And no, I'm not from California. It's a state that doesn't even make sense in this context.)

"Right now, you look just like the mannequins I'd see on my mission in Germany. It's a compliment, I promise."

"So...if he's your ex's brother and he's just like my brother...than that must make you and I...something. Just an observation!"

Do you ladies have any gems? Or guys, have girls said anything really off-the-wall to you before?

Toodles,
The Charmer

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The Epidemic of Neutrality

3/18/2012 The Blue Stocking 5 Comments

Neutrality: a disease that infiltrates the mind and takes away one’s ability to feel positive or negative towards any subject. It is most commonly found in those seeking spouses and has the habit of confusing and befuddling both parties of any relationship.

Neutrality is my greatest foe, and even after facing it for years, I have yet to find its weakness while it has successfully found all of mine.

So why talk about this fiend? Well, it has yet again infected one of my relationships and I for one am livid.

Bingley and I were going great. He was perfect for me. If I had to make a list of every quality I would love in a guy, he had them and so much more. And yet, neutrality has struck and left me spinning and reeling in frustration.

This week has been spent with a sentence rolling in a on a loop through my mind, “do I like him?” and it is most always followed by, “what is wrong with me?”

This week’s activities were spent with the two of us exchanging texts and it built up to a climatic hang out on Saturday. But the resolution found me wondering if I even wanted to go out with him again, if I even cared.

A few weeks back I wrote about the symptoms of like and how I am not a jittery anorexic insomniac like I usually am when I like someone. Instead, I have a cloud of calm numbness hanging over me. I thought this was a great sign; after all, I didn't want the crazy up and down madness I experienced with my last boyfriend, right?

It didn’t help the situation that I ran into said ex-boyfriend last Friday in the WILK and we decided to catch up over lunch. It brought back so much. Yes, I know we weren’t right for each other, but I would do anything to have the feelings I felt with him with someone else.

Talking to him reminded me of how alive I used to feel; how being with him made life into some grand exciting adventure. I remember feeling like I could fall safely into him; be anyone, and he would see me.

I don’t want him back, I just want what we felt back.

What scares me the most is I have spent my whole life building this list of things I want in a guy and the moment I find that guy, I feel nothing.

Maybe I’ve been looking for the wrong guy this whole time? Now what?

C'est la vie

-The Blue Stocking

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Surprise: In which the Romantic returns from the land of the morning calm

3/15/2012 The Romantic 7 Comments

Dear Readers,

I'm baaaack!

Are you quite shocked? Don't worry, nothing scandalous happened whilst I was abroad, serving the Lord in Korea.

I had to come back for some health reasons. Nothing too serious. Just a little bit of surgery in the MTC that hasn't quite healed right. After many trips to Korean hospitals, my mission president decided it would be a good idea for me to head back to the states. As much as I fought it in the beginning, I know that it was the best thing.

So here I am; positively bored out of my mind here in California, waiting on doctor's appointments and opinions to find out how long it will take this thing to heal, and whether or not I need more surgery.

And, as for my dating life:
That never changed. No one magically started writing me while I was gone (which I've heard sometimes happens). There was some heartbreak on my return when I learned that some of my dear guy friends that I've pined after are now engaged.

But as always, I'll keep you all very well informed.

xoxo
the Romantic

PS. Oh, I missed you all so dearly.

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Falling in like with The Lone Wanderer

3/15/2012 The Closer 3 Comments

Wow- I can't believe it's already the middle of March, one more Pi Day come and gone!

My tale today is about The Lone Wanderer. Do you remember how I went on a weekend hiking trip with a big group and was (originally) excited to spend time with Captain Incredible (who is now dating my roommate)? Well, if you want you can go read that post, I didn't write much of anything about it, but I did meet The Lone Wanderer that weekend. He's a friend of Captain Incredible and lives in Arizona and met up to spend that weekend with us. Let me tell you, this guy is so... I can't think of a word better than rad. Example A: He rode. his. bike. from Florida to California, then hiked from San Diego to Canada, over the course of eight months. Legit. Example B: He taught me how to make a trap out of sticks and a rock.

I think he just might be Bear Grylls's nonidentical twin.

The Lone Wanderer is sort of the strong silent type, but once you get him talking he is incredibly clever and tells delightful stories. My crush on him didn't seem worth mentioning before because he lives out of state and there were no crazy fireworks of love between us, although there was both flirting and some (minimal) post-trip texting. Fast forward to this past weekend... He came into town for another weekend camping trip with Captain Incredible, and after they got back, he and I spent the entire day on Sunday together. Then we met up for lunch on Monday before he left. All of that time together was splendid. We laughed, we conversed, I dare even say we connected on a deeper level. Then he left (insert sad face here). We spent pretty much all of Tuesday texting, and plenty yesterday, but he's on another weekend trip with some boy scouts that started today (insert awww here), so that means no texting for a few days. (P.S. Does this man live outside?)

He will be spending the summer working in Idaho Falls, which is much closer than Arizona, and I wouldn't be surprised if he makes his way back here to Provo. We have yet to vocalize any kind of interest, there's just been lots of reasonably flirtatious interaction. I will admit, I have been in a pretttttty good mood since Sunday. I've always been pretty against trying to "date" long distance, so I guess what I am wondering with him, is whether or not it's worth it to try and pursue anything? Is it a bad idea to try and get to know someone/develop interest when you get to have so little interaction in person? Who knows, maybe he'll disappear into the woods for another few months and it will be a moot point. Either way, so far so fun!

Yours Truly,

The Closer

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The Curse of the Story-Seeker

3/13/2012 The Charmer 2 Comments

My all-time favorite book is Pride and Prejudice. There are other books that I love, of course, but the lovely thrill I felt when I first read Jane Austen's classic has yet to be matched by another literary work.

In all actuality, however, I really am a lot more like Emma.

"Doing just what she liked; highly esteeming [others'] judgments, but directed chiefly by her own. The real evils, indeed, of Emma's situation were the power of having rather too much her own way, and a disposition to think a little too well of herself...."

Yup. That's me. I did nickname myself "The Charmer," after all.

Anyways, while I'm quoting Jane Austen, let me reference a quote I frequently hear at good old BYU...

It is a truth universally acknowledge, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.

If you were to peek around this campus, you would probably think that this was true of most RM guys (they are, after all, in possession of a GREAT FORTUNE OF SPIRITUAL KNOWLEDGE. Hahaha). And, I think that for the most part, it is true for the BYU RMs...except for the ones that I date. None of them seem to really want to get married...otherwise, heck! I might be a wifey. (Okay, so that was a complete lie. Headstrong Teenage Charmer always said she wasn't getting married until she was 24 or 25.)

But seriously. I look around and see all of my friends pass through a lovely courtship and transition effortlessly into engagement and then into marriage. It seems so easy for all of them. So why has dating been so rough for me?

I've been thinking a lot lately about the amount of drama that I've experienced in my dating relationships, and I started to wonder if it had anything to do with me (shocker, I know). After all, I am the common denominator. The thing is, I really dislike drama. I hate crying over boys and I roll my eyes at girls who are constantly fighting with their boyfriends. But I have yet to experience a smooth-sailing relationship.

I came to a realization: I have always wanted my life to be a fantastic story. I've always wanted a life that resembles a Jane Austen novel or a Nicholas Sparks movie. I've always loved the whole wow-I-despise-him-but-actually-he-turns-out-to-be-the-perfect-man-for-me plotline.

Why is that a problem?

Books and movies have drama. Lots of drama. That's why we love them so much! We wouldn't watch movies if all the movie couples experienced smooth-sailing for 2 hours. Authors don't write books where boys and girls fall in love and live happily ever after without experiencing some sort of difficulty. We love it when the prince has to fight a dragon to win over his lady or when the lovers have to be apart to realize how much they truly care for each other. We, as a society, thrive off of drama. Just look at the TV shows we watch! (I'm sure that a handful of you were booing Ben during last night's season finale of The Bachelor)

So could I inadvertently create my own drama? Am I stuck in a mindset that makes me think my love life needs some sort of zest for it to be worthwhile? Does this thought process lead me to create situations that suck?

I quite possibly am ruining my own chances at happiness.

Kisses,
The Charmer

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Boxes and Webs

3/11/2012 The Blue Stocking 10 Comments

You’ve probably all heard the metaphor men think in boxes women think in webs. If not, here is a brief synopsis of how it goes.

Men’s minds are made up of boxes. They have a box for school, a box for work, a box for their intermural sport of choice, and it goes on and on. Men will take a box from their shelf, open it, and focus on that one thing. Then they will close their box, put it back, and get another one.

Women on the other hand think in webs. We can simultaneously have music blasting as we write a 10 page essay on economics and on the side have a relationship defining text session …oh, and there are probably cookies in the oven. Making webs can build up quite the appetite.

And that is the metaphor of boxes and webs as told to me by an ex-boyfriend. He was attempting to bridge the gap of miscommunication between us...sadly, we broke up anyways. Ok, back to the present.

I originally thought this was nothing more than a funny and clever metaphor, but the longer I’ve been in the dating world the more I see truth in it. I have even been able to apply it to my personal dating life. Get ready for this…

If you want a guy to think about you, get your own box. Be memorable. Create inside jokes. Talk to him more than once a week at ward prayer. Give him the look. And make sure he knows your name… preferably do this one first.

At the end of the day you want him to have a box with your name printed boldly across it.

So I’ve been working on my box as of late and I think it’s coming into existence quite nicely. Last week I hadn’t heard from a certain gent for a couple of days, which was fine, but you can only go so long without contact. Instead of playing the silly game of “I’m going to wait till he texts” I decided to bite my pride and ask how his busy week had been going. We ended up texting for a while and then he called me to go out Saturday night. Success.

It was just the two of us on the date and I really enjoyed just getting to know him more on a one on one basis. Nothing life defining happened, but I’m loving taking things slow. Personally, I’m one who tends to run if things get complicated and intense too fast.

Also, one thing I really appreciate about Bingley is he always gets me home at a decent hour and he never plans a date that goes over 3 hours…ever. It’s so wonderful and it makes me excited to see him again. I don’t think I can stress the importance of not exhausting your relationship prematurely.

Back to the main point: be bold and get your own box. After all, no one wants to share a box with another girl, or heaven forbid a group of girls.

-The Blue Stocking

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The Meaningful Look

3/08/2012 The Lady 5 Comments

Just t'other day, I was discussing the general mechanics of what attracts men to women with a friend, who just so happens to be a man.

Manfred: Lady, all you have to do to let a guy know that you're interested in him is to give him the "meaningful look".

Lady: The meaningful look?

Manfred: You know, the meaningful look!

I nodded my head as though I simply misunderstood him the first time, but I left his apartment without any idea of what that look might actually be.

(Be prepared to be amazed by my Microsoft Paint skills.)

Hopeless longing?
Rapid batting of the eyelashes?
I want to kiss your face?
Artfully bashful?
Giddy love?

Manfred obviously doesn't understand the complications to his theory. Or he has at least greatly overestimated my ability to flirt with only my face.

I think my best option is to combine the best of all of these looks. I am going to practice that for the time being, and we'll see if it's hooks me a gentleman.

Con Amor,
The Lady

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A Tale of Two Set-Ups

3/07/2012 The Closer 1 Comments

Most people I know are not huge fans of being set up.

That's probably because blind dates are often awkward, or terrible, or just a waste of time. I've never minded set ups too much, but that is because having extra people trying to help me find love seems like something I shouldn't complain about. My mentality for a long time has been that a blind date will either be a fun time or a funny story, and yes, it's usually the latter. In the last week or so I've gone on two set ups, and the first one caused me to come to a new epiphany.

My date lived in Salt Lake, and since it was a double date with a friend of mine, I rode with her and her date to the concert we were going to in Salt Lake. On the way there, they started prepping me for meeting this mystery man. (I will mention the disclaimer that my friend admitted that she didn't know how interested I would be, but maybe it would be a fun date anyway). At first her date (a good friend of the mystery man) told me that my date was "SO awesome". Then, as the drive continued, I started to find out a few more details... you know, like the fact that he didn't go on a date all of 2011.

Upon hearing this information, after my immediate feeling of regret for agreeing to this date, I decided that I would do a service to this man (and maybe his future wife) and help him to have a great time on this date. I knew that because we were meeting there and it would be the four of us together the whole night, he wouldn't have many opportune moments to try and get my number, and with a back story like that, I was assuming that he didn't have much "game" to do so anyway. Both of these points gave me confidence to believe that I could be friendly, and fun, and maybe even a little flirty, and not have things end awkwardly.

I am telling you, this plan worked SO well. He had fun, the night ended smoothly and without further commitments, and I had a much more enjoyable time than I would have anticipated! It was so much easier to have fun when I stopped worrying about whether or not I was interested, or if he was going to be interested in me, or if I was going to have to reject him. I figured that I would just cross any of those bridges when I got to them, and I didn't have to cross any.

A few days later I got set up again, and decided to employ the same technique, and again, another significantly more enjoyable than usual date. Turns out that my own worries and over analyses were making my dates (especially blind dates) that much worse for me.

This is my new favorite first date technique: Just focus on them having a good time.

We've all probably gone on many dates that we were not excited to be on. What are your techniques to avoid them being a miserable experience?

Yours Truly,

The Closer

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Communication: It Can be a Rocky Road

3/06/2012 The Charmer 0 Comments

Last week I wrote a post designed to help out guys with dating questions they might have. Instead of writing a post this week for the purpose of helping ladies with dating, I'm going to send you to another blog written by a couple of guys who definitely know what they're talking about. The brothers behind this blog are really good friends of mine and they have a whole set of lessons designed to help GIRLS know how to put their best dating feet forward! Check out The Brothers' Guide to Guys ...and if you like what you see, hit me up and I can set you up. ;)

In fact, their most recent post is actually my topic of interest today...communication.

Very few things kill relationships as quickly as bad communication.

In fact, the bulk of the issues between Mr. Director and I have been due to our very different styles of communicating. We were talking about it a couple weeks ago and we came to some conclusions that I'd never realized before. So, I figured I'd share them with you; who knows, maybe something I say will strike a chord because you'll realize you've had the exact same problem!


Something I've known about myself for a long time is that I am a writer. My preferred form of communication is writing. That's not to say I don't like talking; I LOVE talking. I can stay up until 3 in the morning talking to someone even if I don't know them that well. But honestly, I am a much better communicator when I write than when I speak. I've always hated calling people on the phone; I'd much prefer to email them. In class, I rarely get involved in class discussions (and heaven forbid I speak during a class argument!). Instead, I like to synthesize all of my thoughts in my head rather than blurting out the first thing that comes to mind. I like allowing myself time to process ideas, letting them come together into a coherent little bundle before I share them with others. For me, half of the "figuring out" process comes as I work things out on paper. I think this is partly because I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head that they get lost if I don't get them down on paper. So, to put it more simply, I might not get involved in verbal class discussions...but I can write a mean analytical essay.

The only problem with this is that it means I don't always try to voice my thoughts. If I feel like I don't have the words to express what I'm feeling, I figure, why bother? This ended up being a point of discord between Mr. Dir and I. He'd get frustrated because he'd read my blog posts and think to himself, I had no idea she was feeling that way! Why didn't she tell me?! Well, now I think, DUH mister, it's because I'm a lot better at sharing my feelings via the written word! But of course neither one of us realized that at the moment.

So, that brings us to Point A: It's important to realize whether you are a speaker or a writer. If you're trying to share your deepest thoughts and feelings, are you better at speaking about them or writing about them? (And maybe some of you are neither and refuse to share your feelings, period. That's okay, too. But it could make relationships tricky.) This is going to influence the way you approach important conversations. Like me, you might find yourself struggling to SAY exactly what you're feeling when someone asks you.

The second aspect of communication in which the two of us realized we differed was the types of thoughts we like to share. I love hearing people's stories about their lives. I like discovering the events and experiences that helped to shape the person currently speaking to me. I also love hearing about people's lives because I like to learn about things that I haven't had the chance to do. For example, I'm not well-traveled outside of the country, so when people have stories about foreign travels, I just eat them up.
Mr. Dir, on the other hand, doesn't like to talk about his past and doesn't really like to hear stories about other people's pasts. He thinks it's more important to talk about topics that both people can relate to, such as present happenings or future plans. He likes conversations where both people can be "active participants." In his words, he likes discussions that are "more of a conversation, less of a story." For example, he would much rather hear about how I've applied something I learned from a past friend in my current life than hear a story about a crazy night the friend and I had together.

Point B: Discover what sorts of things you most like to discuss with others. If you are a lover of stories (like me!), you probably tend to communicate by telling stories. If the person you're talking to isn't a fan of storytelling (like Mr. Dir), they might find themselves getting irritated with your constant flow of "And so this one time, I did this!" (And if you're a person who loves stories, it can be very frustrating when your boyfriend refuses to tell you any! It's nice to finally figure out why that bothered me so much!)

Well, that's all I've got for you today. And even though Mr. Dir communicates differently than I do, I still like 'im a lot. In fact, I like him more every time I see him.
(Maybe I should tell him that.)

Kisses,
The Charmer

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Public service announcement.

3/06/2012 The Lady 16 Comments

Dear Readers,
Since The Anti-Austen has decided to do away with our male guest-posting for an unforeseen amount of time, Colonel Paisley and Featherstone McGee have been hard at work creating their own dating blog.

If you're ever in need of more dating blogs, and generally just miss these fellas, you now know where to go.

-The Anti-Austen

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"Every moment has its pleasure and its hope"

3/04/2012 The Blue Stocking 4 Comments

I do believe things have become less confusing concerning me and a certain Bingley. Let me break the week down for you.

Monday wasn’t very wonderful, especially coming off of the high that was last weekend. Monday night we had FHE and he was acting really distant…which was disappointing to say the least. We didn’t talk and when we did it was strained.

By Tuesday I was ticked—I’m not kidding, I was not pleased with this boy—and then he came over…It’s crazy how easy it is to forgive someone you like.

Then Wednesday hit and he still hadn’t asked me on another date and I was coming up with loads of reason of why this wasn't going to work out.

On Thursday, he brought up the fact that in past discussions we had talked about our great desire to build a snowman. So that night he called me to go on an adventure. We drove to a nearby park and started rolling snow like crazy. A snowball fight, some good conversation, and a very large snowman later, we were done. I am literally still smiling about that night.

Friday we both went to a mutual friends birthday party and we were inseparable. And that was the night he asked me out for Saturday. I let out an audible sigh and once again hope was in the air {dramatic eh?}

Saturday night we went on a group date to play pool and other games. It was so much fun just to be silly with each other. I enjoy being silly with him.

Even though we saw each other a lot this week—everyday in fact—I was still unsure about how ward prayer would go down. Did he still like me? Would he talk to me? Would awkwardness rule our conversation? But it went as splendidly as it always has. We talked and laughed long after the rest of the ward left.

Please, oh please, don’t let this end in disaster

Toujours

-The Blue Stocking

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