Anxiety Attack

1/28/2011 The Romantic 1 Comments

I don't know what it is about single women at BYU that makes us react so irrationally to seemingly innocuous events.

I had to watch a movie last night up on campus for class. I had tried to arrange a group to go. But most of my friends had plans already. And I knew that when I tried to ask people to go. However, it didn't help the dark self-deprecating thoughts from sneaking into the corners of my mind.

And then as I walked up the hill to campus. Alone. Cold. And in the dark. The thoughts came to my mind and I said to myself, "Better get used to this, because going to the movies alone is how it's going to be for the rest of your life."

It was irrational. It is irrational. But I couldn't shake the nagging feelings of inadequacy. Men are literally running away from me, making me feel quite the social pariah. It's pathetic more than anything thing else. I'm happy, I really am. But I have two friends waiting for proposals, and I haven't feeling the tiniest inking for anybody in a really long time. Boys here and there have caught my fancy from time to time these last few months. But there's no deep connection. No spark.

As the deep wrenching hole in my chest grew bigger, I tried not to cry. The only thing more embarrassing than going to the movies alone would be to go alone and cry before the movie had even started. I felt akin to the man in Edvard Munch's famous painting.

Instead of weeping all night, I mustered the energy from somewhere deep within to call some friends to hang out after my movie had ended. And when I went over, I found that they were all having the same feelings of doubt. And that was a comfort. We can't all be crazy. We can all have the same crazy hormones though.

Frostys were purchased. Nails were painted. Long talks were mixed with the pungent smell of acetone. And a chick flick was put in to bring peace to our over worried minds.

A summation of the wisdom learned last night in one phrase, "Pie will love you, even when boys won't."

To all my dear sisters that toil through the struggle that we call dating in hopes of finding their own Mr. Darcy, don't fear. You are amazing. And we will find someone. Eventually. Until then, let us eat pie.

-the Romantic

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Heidi said...

When I have thoughts of self doubt like that, I like to shove them away and focus on other things that are important to me, like my education. It helps me to know that there is at least something that I can control in my life and succeed at at the same time. Though sometimes I do think it is healthy to let yourself feel like that a little in order to address those feelings, but only for a short while and then do just what I said. Most of all, just enjoy yourself!