The Tinder Chronicles Continue

5/16/2016 The Charmer 2 Comments

When I initially made my Tinder account, I planned to use it for about a week. Test the waters, see what it was all about, maybe make some new friends, hopefully avoid creeps. You know. In the end, though, I think I was done with it after about 3 or 4 days. This was partly because I got super overwhelmed having 10 conversations at the same time with guys who had almost the same names. (So was this the Jake who served his mission in Colorado and liked rock climbing or was this the Jake who loves Indian food and said he'd been to China?)

However, it was also partly because my Tinder apparently had a mind of its own. Yes, Tinder Dilemma #2 was that a few days into using the app, Tinder decided it wouldn't let me message everyone anymore. It was weirdly selective about who it would let me talk to. In about half of the conversations I was having, I would attempt to send messages that would never actually send. The little "sending" progress circle under the message would just keep circling and circling and circling to no avail. I felt kind of bad, actually. A lot of my conversations ended up looking like this.

Him: So you lived in China?
Me: Yes, and it was awesome! I loved it!
Him: What was your favorite part?
Me: [SENDING.....SENDING....SENDING...] Well, I loved the people there. They were all so friendly and you could tell they always meant well.
Me: [SENDING....SENDING...SENDING...] Sorry, for some reason that didn't send. I said I loved the people most.
Him: I guess you liked everything and can't choose just one thing?
Me: [SENDING...SENDING...SENDING...] Haha no, I actually did answer you
Me: [SENDING...SENDING...SENDING...] Dang it Tinder, send my messages
Me: [SENDING...SENDING...SENDING...] TINDER YOU SUCK! I actually liked him. He's diving certified. We could have gone diving together. 
Him: Hey, so...China?
Me: [SENDING...SENDING...SENDING...] I give up.
Him: Well...maybe you'd rather talk in person instead?
Him: Hello?

So that kind of ended my Tinder adventure prematurely. I had a handful of poor guys attempting one-sided conversations who eventually thought I'd ghosted them and gave up. A few were pretty persistent though, bless them.
However, I was on Tinder long enough during those few days to end up going on dates with 2 different guys. Neither ended up being a psycho. Actually, my first Tinder date was really fun and he came with me to a friend's birthday party a couple weeks later. My second date was nice but apparently couldn't tell I wasn't interested because he still messages me almost every day on Facebook. But eh. You win some, you lose some.

Although I managed to avoid anyone too crazy, I did have a few classic Tinder moments.

One of the very first messages I ever received was a guy who sent me the lyrics to the song "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias. No hi. No "what's up?" Just straight up "I can be your hero baby."
Although I was new to Tinder I had luckily discovered the GIF keyboard and thus was able to respond with a likely representation of my face when I read his message.

Yeahh. That conversation didn't last long.

I got a classic Tinder pickup line that had clearly been used with at least 5 other girls, probably that same hour: "Congratulations! You win the prettiest girl award for March on Tinder. I'm the official girl rater for the greater salt lake area. Where can we meet so I can give you your award?"
I actually came up with a witty and sarcastic response but decided against sending it when I realized I didn't even want to talk to this bro.

I also encountered Tinder Dilemma #3..."Wait, I KNOW him! He served in my mission! And wait a second, we are Facebook Friends!" Come on, Tinder, really? 
I really don't know what the correct protocol was. Swipe right so the two of you can laugh about the fact that you're both on Tinder? Swipe left and hopefully it's not awkward next time you see them in case they totally swiped right?

Even worse was Tinder Dilemma #3.2..."Wait a second, I'm Facebook friends with him...and he superliked me!" Way awkward, right? Unfortunately this wasn't a one-time thing, either. And every time I felt soo bad when I swiped left...but if I was interested, wouldn't I have written on their walls before now or something? Couldn't they message me and just ask me on a date? [I guess there is safety in Tindering, where the rejection is less....rejecting. You can always just tell yourself that the person you liked never gets on Tinder and thus never saw your profile in the Tinder lineup.]

I also discovered how to get someone to  NOT respond to you. 
In hindsight, I'm actually kind of sad that I scared him off. He played the cello. I'd totes date a guy who plays the cello. But I really did wake up with a 20 pound cat on my face. It doesn't happen every day so I thought it was monumental enough to mention.

In the end, I started meeting people in real life and getting dates organically so I stopped Tindering for the time being (although I may be guilty of having swiped again a few weeks ago after all my friends left Provo and I was feeling super lonely. haha.). However, Tinder (that sneaky app!) apparently wasn't cool with that. It was determined to get me back on and swiping. So, one night it send me this notification...

358??!! Ain't nobody got time fo dat!

Tips for the Gents

For any gentleman who read our blog and are active Tinderers, here are my recommendations:
1. Stay away from the pickup lines. I was way more impressed with a guy who had something to say about my profile than a cheesy line.
2. No shirtless pics. Like...seriously. 
3. That picture of you with the cute girl standing next to you? I don't care if it's your sister...why are you including it? It's confusing. I'm not really into guys with a potential girlfriend.
4. If your profile is witty I'm 3 times more likely to swipe right. Take this one, for example. Loved it.

Also, although the majority of guys just said something like, "Hey, what's up?" to start talking to me, here are a few conversation starters that stood out and actually made me want to talk back.
1. "Hey Charmer, I can only tell so much from your profile, but you're super cute and you look really fun! What are you up to?" 
2. "Top 3 international travel destinations you plan on visiting. Ready? Go." [I said I like traveling on my profile]
3. "Hi Charmer! I was hoping I'd get your attention. ;) How's your week going?"
4. "Hey, I was actually really hoping you'd swipe right! I love that you're an RM and I think it's really cool that you were in China teaching English! Where did you serve your mission?"
5. "你好![Chinese for "hello"]

In the end, I can't say I highly recommend Tinder but if you want to, you might as well give it a try. Trust your gut. If you get weird vibes swipe left. Meet people in public if you don't want them knowing where you live. And above all, don't take it too seriously. 

Good luck with the swiping,
The Charmer

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