The Tinder Chronicles Continue

5/16/2016 The Charmer 1 Comments

When I initially made my Tinder account, I planned to use it for about a week. Test the waters, see what it was all about, maybe make some new friends, hopefully avoid creeps. You know. In the end, though, I think I was done with it after about 3 or 4 days. This was partly because I got super overwhelmed having 10 conversations at the same time with guys who had almost the same names. (So was this the Jake who served his mission in Colorado and liked rock climbing or was this the Jake who loves Indian food and said he'd been to China?)

 However, it was also partly because my Tinder apparently had a mind of its own. Yes, Tinder Dilemma #2 was that a few days into using the app, Tinder decided it wouldn't let me message everyone anymore. It was weirdly selective about who it would let me talk to. In about half of the conversations I was having, I would attempt to send messages that would never actually send. The little "sending" progress circle under the message would just keep circling and circling and circling to no avail. I felt kind of bad, actually. A lot of my conversations ended up looking like this.

Him: So you lived in China?
Me: Yes, and it was awesome! I loved it!
Him: What was your favorite part?
Me: [SENDING.....SENDING....SENDING...] Well, I loved the people there. They were all so friendly and you could tell they always meant well.
Me: [SENDING....SENDING...SENDING...] Sorry, for some reason that didn't send. I said I loved the people most.
Him: I guess you liked everything and can't choose just one thing?
Me: [SENDING...SENDING...SENDING...] Haha no, I actually did answer you
Me: [SENDING...SENDING...SENDING...] Dang it Tinder, send my messages
Me: [SENDING...SENDING...SENDING...] TINDER YOU SUCK! I actually liked him. He's diving certified. We could have gone diving together. 
Him: Hey, so...China?
Me: [SENDING...SENDING...SENDING...] I give up.
Him: Well...maybe you'd rather talk in person instead?
Him: Hello?

So that kind of ended my Tinder adventure prematurely. I had a handful of poor guys attempting one-sided conversations who eventually thought I'd ghosted them and gave up. A few were pretty persistent though, bless them.
However, I was on Tinder long enough during those few days to end up going on dates with 2 different guys. Neither ended up being a psycho. Actually, my first Tinder date was really fun and he came with me to a friend's birthday party a couple weeks later. My second date was nice but apparently couldn't tell I wasn't interested because he still messages me almost every day on Facebook. But eh. You win some, you lose some.

Although I managed to avoid anyone too crazy, I did have a few classic Tinder moments.

One of the very first messages I ever received was a guy who sent me the lyrics to the song "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias. No hi. No "what's up?" Just straight up "I can be your hero baby."
Although I was new to Tinder I had luckily discovered the GIF keyboard and thus was able to respond with a likely representation of my face when I read his message.

Yeahh. That conversation didn't last long.

I got a classic Tinder pickup line that had clearly been used with at least 5 other girls, probably that same hour: "Congratulations! You win the prettiest girl award for March on Tinder. I'm the official girl rater for the greater salt lake area. Where can we meet so I can give you your award?"
I actually came up with a witty and sarcastic response but decided against sending it when I realized I didn't even want to talk to this bro.

I also encountered Tinder Dilemma #3..."Wait, I KNOW him! He served in my mission! And wait a second, we are Facebook Friends!" Come on, Tinder, really? 
I really don't know what the correct protocol was. Swipe right so the two of you can laugh about the fact that you're both on Tinder? Swipe left and hopefully it's not awkward next time you see them in case they totally swiped right?

Even worse was Tinder Dilemma #3.2..."Wait a second, I'm Facebook friends with him...and he superliked me!" Way awkward, right? Unfortunately this wasn't a one-time thing, either. And every time I felt soo bad when I swiped left...but if I was interested, wouldn't I have written on their walls before now or something? Couldn't they message me and just ask me on a date? [I guess there is safety in Tindering, where the rejection is less....rejecting. You can always just tell yourself that the person you liked never gets on Tinder and thus never saw your profile in the Tinder lineup.]

I also discovered how to get someone to  NOT respond to you. 
In hindsight, I'm actually kind of sad that I scared him off. He played the cello. I'd totes date a guy who plays the cello. But I really did wake up with a 20 pound cat on my face. It doesn't happen every day so I thought it was monumental enough to mention.

In the end, I started meeting people in real life and getting dates organically so I stopped Tindering for the time being (although I may be guilty of having swiped again a few weeks ago after all my friends left Provo and I was feeling super lonely. haha.). However, Tinder (that sneaky app!) apparently wasn't cool with that. It was determined to get me back on and swiping. So, one night it send me this notification...


358??!! Ain't nobody got time fo dat!

Tips for the Gents

For any gentleman who read our blog and are active Tinderers, here are my recommendations:
1. Stay away from the pickup lines. I was way more impressed with a guy who had something to say about my profile than a cheesy line.
2. No shirtless pics. Like...seriously. 
3. That picture of you with the cute girl standing next to you? I don't care if it's your sister...why are you including it? It's confusing. I'm not really into guys with a potential girlfriend.
4. If your profile is witty I'm 3 times more likely to swipe right. Take this one, for example. Loved it.



Also, although the majority of guys just said something like, "Hey, what's up?" to start talking to me, here are a few conversation starters that stood out and actually made me want to talk back.
1. "Hey Charmer, I can only tell so much from your profile, but you're super cute and you look really fun! What are you up to?" 
2. "Top 3 international travel destinations you plan on visiting. Ready? Go." [I said I like traveling on my profile]
3. "Hi Charmer! I was hoping I'd get your attention. ;) How's your week going?"
4. "Hey, I was actually really hoping you'd swipe right! I love that you're an RM and I think it's really cool that you were in China teaching English! Where did you serve your mission?"
5. "你好!" [Chinese for "hello"]

In the end, I can't say I highly recommend Tinder but if you want to, you might as well give it a try. Trust your gut. If you get weird vibes swipe left. Meet people in public if you don't want them knowing where you live. And above all, don't take it too seriously. 

Good luck with the swiping,
The Charmer

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The Tinder Chronicles

5/03/2016 The Charmer 4 Comments

Online dating was never a thing I was going to do. My reasoning for that decision looked like this.
a) Aren't dating sites notorious for 50-year-old creepers who disguise themselves as attractive 27-year-olds? No thanks. I'm really not into the creeper sort.
b) My parents always warned me not to talk to strangers. Online dating encourages not only talking to strangers but actually meeting them. 
c) Ain't no way I'm marrying a man and having to tell people for the rest of my life, "We met on Match.com...."

Despite the fact that my best friend actually found her own non-creeper through an LDS dating site and married him, I was still skeptical. Besides, I've always been able to generate enough dates for myself without a dating website. Nope. The Charmer was definitely not EVER going to try online dating.

But then there was this app called Tinder.

Just for the record, I'm pretty sure I swore off Tinder along with the rest of the online dating sites. I mean, seriously? To me, Tinder seemed to scream, Let's judge people based on their eye color and shirtless pics. Surely Tinder was only for super shallow people who didn't go on dates because they spent all their time lifting weights at VASA. 

Well, about two months ago I returned from living in China for a year and a half. And I made a Tinder account.

Sigh. 

I don't really know why I made one. I guess it just intrigued me. My favorite mission companion and her sister both had Tinders. My ex-boyfriend/now-just-a-good-friend was a Tinderer. People were apparently getting married using the thing. So, a couple days before coming back to Provo for some job training, I gave into peer pressure and chose 6 pictures of me that looked good (but not too good. Still trying to avoid creepers here.)

After writing a mostly cliche bio about "enjoying traveling and eating", I only had to swipe through three or four people before realizing that Portland was definitely not the place for a good Mormon girl to be using Tinder. I turned off the "discovery" option and decided to wait until my feet had hit the holy soil of Utah before turning it back on.

Fast forward a couple days. I was riding the Frontrunner down to Provo where I would meet up with my mission companion when I suddenly remembered that my pocket held the key to meeting my eternal companion. I looked around and sheepishly pulled out my phone, then clicked on the Tinder flame. I turned on Discovery. I looked through a few profiles and swiped left on all of them because I was too nervous to actually swipe right. 

I put my phone away, silently mocking myself at the silliness of the whole thing. The Charmer on Tinder. Who would have guessed?

About 10 minutes later, my phone buzzed. I pulled it out and my eyes grew wide in horror as Tinder informed me that "someone had superliked me!" A superlike? What the heck is that? I gingerly opened the app and was presented with a profile of someone that did not look like he would be my type, but even worse....he looked FAMILIAR. 

I stared at his picture. I could have sworn he had been in one of my BYU wards. I looked at our mutual friends. Oh no, he had DEFINITELY been in that ward. 

Thus, I was presented with
 Tinder Dilemma #1: Should I swipe right because I know him? Maybe he only superliked me because he wanted to say "hey, remember me?" Would it be totally rude of me to swipe left if, in fact, he DID just want to catch up about our good old Glenhood ward? I mean, surely he wouldn't have just superliked me out of the blue, right? RIGHT? 
Ten minutes in and oh, I hated superlikes already. (I have this awful guilty conscious that flares up when it's afraid I'm going to hurt someone's feelings.)

So, I did what any cautious novice Tinderer would do: I ignored the like. I didn't swipe right. I didn't swipe left. Instead, I took a screenshot and sent it to my best friend to ask her if this guy had, in fact, been in our ward.

She responded affirmatively.
And then she made a joke about me being on Tinder.
(She has a lot of nerve, since she DID find her man on a dating website after all)

In the end, readers, I swiped right out of politeness. I swiped right on the chance that SuperLiker was going to respond with, Hey, long time no talk! How have you been? 

He didn't. Turns out he had absolutely no recollection of ever being in a ward with me, even when I pointed it out. No, he had liked me on the basis of my good-not-too-good pictures and the fact that I like to travel and eat. And now I was stuck talking to a guy with a self-proclaimed "dad bod" who specialized in pickup lines and awkward GIFs.

Welcome to Tinder. 

--The Charmer

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