He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

5/08/2015 The Lady 6 Comments

I know that I have more than sufficiently wallowed over The Counselor. I know I have dragged you through all the ups and downs right along with me. I know there have been more downs than ups. And now I know he and I are down for good. 

The Counselor sent me a text one night near midnight to ask how I was doing. It has always been situations like this that make me go through the horrendous ordeal of he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not. There is no half-heartedness with me. Before long our casual texting about the greatness of Ben Folds and how he needs to watch more episodes of Friends took a turn to why he and I would never work out. Not my favorite topic of conversation. 

Him: You and I are different. While we get along well, and I believe that any two people committed to each other and The Savior can make it work, I feel like we're constantly trying to change each other's minds. I feel like we get under each other's skin unnecessarily frequently. And not in the good kind of drive-me-crazy way either. 

Me: Then why did you drag this out? You didn't have to take me out, you didn't have to keep talking to me. I would have been okay, really. 

Him: But I wanted to. 

Me: But there was nothing to gain from it. 

Him: The truth is, I thoroughly enjoy you as a human, and I'm not one to write that off. In the long run, you're either friends, you date, or you pretend each other doesn't exist! And in [city where we went to grad school], how do you pretend someone doesn't exist? Especially someone who is an absolute breath of fresh air? 

I am sure you can imagine my inner dialogue during all of this. This mind-numbing discussion went on and on and on for another two hours, and even though The Counselor never said "I don't like you because you're too opinionated and argumentative," that is precisely what I took away from the conversation. C'mon, I'm a girl and I will interpret and conclude and over-analyze until the day I don't cry when watching Little Women (never). 

Sometimes when I am hurt by a boy/guy/man (intentionally or unintentionally) it sends out ripples to every other past failed relationship or non-relationship. This one particularly stung as it brought back memories of Dex telling me how infuriating I was because of how argumentative I can be and blaming our break up on my opinionated-ness. What's the matter with me? 

At the same time, it was maddening to feel like I was to blame again because I have strong opinions. Albeit sometimes strong opinions about trivial things. I feel as though I am supposed to be sweet and passive all the time. Is that how I am supposed to be?

Con Amor, 
The Lady 

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Emily said...

Be who you are. You don't want to change yourself for a man. Having said that, if arguing is something YOU don't like that you do, then you can work on changing. But do it for you.

Sarah said...

No, you do not have to be sweet and passive. There's something to be said for tact though. As a very opinionated and argumentative person myself, I grew up arguing with everyone about everything. My mom told me to take debate and leave her alone. I took debate, and I learned something very, very important: arguing is pretty stupid. Don't get me wrong, I still have my strong opinions, and I still argue . . . just maybe not nearly as often. And here's why: even when you win an argument, you don't win. Winning an argument is like winning a war. Yes, you may have beaten the other side into submission with your superior verbal skills, but now they hate you. I decided it really wasn't worth going to war with my friends, family, and people I met because having everyone hate me would be pretty lonely. So now I share my opinion, but if someone has an opposite opinion from me, I concede that we will probably never agree, and we talk of other things. No one would call me docile, sweet, passive, etc, but I can get along with just about anyone on this Earth. I too once felt that all guys were looking for was passive, little lambs, and, yeah, some guys are looking for that. But, let me tell you, there are plenty of men out there dying for a vivacious woman, and maybe you'll find them somewhere unexpected, outside of your "type" (I redecided (and wrote in my journal) what my "type" was and what really mattered to me, and one month later my husband and I started dating). In the end though, no one wants to get into a future where they'll have to fear going to war with their spouse. This is my opinion on the matter as a whole, not you specifically, seeing as I don't actually know you.

Anonymous said...

Yes, be who you are! You don't have to be sweet and passive all the time. Someone will love you for it! And I agree with Emily that if it is something you don't like about you and want to change, then for sure work on it and do it for you. And Sarah's advice is awesome as well. It was not cool at all of The Counselor to be so wishy washy. It was not cool or fair of him to almost keep you on the back burner even though he wasn't in it? I dunno. I think you're amazing just the way you are!

The Rational said...

I strongly identify with the argumentative type. A long time ago I decided that rather than change myself to attract girls I thought were cute, I'd simply be myself and hope for the best. I ended up falling for my best friend, a girl who I spent tons of time with but never really considered dating until deep into our relationship. We have an interesting dynamic. We're well aware of the dangers of excessive argumentation, and we're both fairly competitive in that respect. We've come up with the idea that when we settle an argument, whoever's right gets to kiss the other. At first you might think that makes it worse, but it really just pushes for resolution (either way, we both get affection). And it's lots of fun (albeit extremely ridiculous). I think it's a good attitude to have though.

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