Incidents from the Life of the Charmer: Drama Boys Pt. 2

9/28/2014 The Charmer 4 Comments

When I last left you, Jackson had told me he'd made me a gift: a CD of EFY songs. However, Jackson ended up having something come up and did not show up to the singles ward the following morning. I wondered where he was for approximately 5 seconds and then promptly forgot about it, since the rest of my day was spent with Ammon at a work picnic he'd invited me to. After a fabulous afternoon with him, we spent the evening talking and laughing and eventually got kicked out by the second park ranger within a week. Before saying goodbye, we had our first kiss, and then I was on my way home to finish packing before catching an early flight the next morning.

It was approximately five minutes after leaving Ammon when Jackson called and asked, "Hey, did you want to stop by and get that CD I made you?" Sighing as I thought about the long night that lay ahead, I replied, "Sure, I'll be there in half an hour." After all, despite the fact that I was no longer interested in him, we were pretty good friends by this point. I figured saying goodbye before leaving to China was only fair.

I showed up and found that he had, in fact, made me 3 CDs and had also written me a note. I cringed a little bit when I realized there was a note involved, but upon inspection I discovered it was nothing to worry about. It was a really sincere note where he just told me that he thought I was awesome and that I deserved the best. He thanked me for my friendship and for setting a new dating standard for him.

I hadn't planned on staying long, but apparently he had different plans. He wanted to talk about BYU, since he'd be starting there in a couple of weeks. I told him how much he was going to love Provo and all of the amazing girls there. He kept asking questions about my summer of EFY, and eventually the questions moved away from talking about my EFY kids to my EFY dating life. He wanted to know how many guys I'd kissed during the summer or how many guys I'd had a "thing" with. I kept telling him, none. He didn't seem to believe that nothing had happened with anyone. Then, he told me about Claire and how he'd turned her down when she tried to kiss him because he still had feelings for me (oh dear). Finally, he asked again, "So...you really haven't kissed anyone since you kissed me?"

Crap.

Oh Jackson, if only you had asked me an hour ago. I didn't feel bad at all about kissing Ammon, but come on, this was NOT a subject I felt like bringing up with a boy who was clearly still interested in me. What's a girl to do...lie about the situation to protect his feelings? Or tell him the truth?

Well, I picked the latter. I couldn't lie to Jackson. We'd always had a super honest relationship.
So, without giving him too many details (like "Well, actually I just kissed someone 45 minutes ago...."), I told him that I had, in fact, kissed someone within the last week.
Needless to say, he was a little shocked. And a little hurt. He demanded to know who this guy was and although I told him it wasn't important, he kept insisting and so finally, I told him. He kept saying he couldn't believe I'd kissed someone I'd only known for a week (although, if he would have thought back to our short history together, he would have realized we hadn't known each other much longer than that...) 
Obviously things were a little awkward after that, so after telling him how awesome I thought he was and how grateful I was to have met him, I left. I thought that was the end of it.

Now here's where the drama kicks in.

As I'm tiredly shoving the last of my wardrobe into space bags and vowing as I do every time I pack to NOT PROCRASTINATE NEXT TIME, I get a text from Jackson. He tells me to disregard everything he wrote in the note because I "wasn't who he thought I was." He told me that the Charmer he knew wouldn't have run off, rebounded, and kissed the first guy she saw.

Whoa whoa whoa, hold up. Excuse me?

 I of course asked him what he was talking about. He sent back a text telling me that he knew exactly what had happened. In his mind, this is how the situation went down:

"So I think the reason you didn't pursue anyone this summer is because you were actually still interested in me. Then when you got home and you saw me with Claire, you got jealous and went looking for a rebound. You met Ammon, kissed him, and then wanted to let me know so that I'd be the one who was jealous. I mean, after all, the only time I've ever kissed anyone after only a week was a rebound."

 I'm pretty sure I just sat there starting at the text for a few minutes, trying to process if I was reading the words correctly. Had he really just sent that to me? I couldn't believe it. First off, I defended my pride and told him no, that wasn't exactly how things had gone down. I told him that no matter what he believed had happened, the only reason I'd even told him about Ammon was because I cared enough about him (Jackson) to be honest with him. He continued sending me accusatory texts, telling me that he was so embarrassed he'd turned down "poor Claire" because of me. By this point, it was around 1 AM, I was running on very little sleep from staying up until 3 AM every other night with Ammon, I was stressed because I was catching a flight in 5 hours...and I was kind of fed up with this drama. I have to confess that things may have gotten a bit heated. I basically told him to have a nice life and to have fun in Provo where I was sure he'd meet plenty of amazing new girls and forget about me in no time.

Well, a few days after being in China, I felt kind of bad about how things had ended between us. So, I sent him a message on Facebook thanking him for the EFY CDs and telling him that I hoped he was having fun in Provo. In response, I got this:

"No problem! Glad you're liking them. I almost didn't give them to you because of that stupid letter that I hope you disregarded! You were right about me forgetting about everything as soon as I got here though. Only because you made it really easy for me. Having a guy ask to kiss you on the first date is never a good sign. Weird you couldn't see that. 
Oh, and I've been having a ton of with Claire!"

 Ouch! 
Well, if we weren't over before, we definitely were now.
[Oh, and just for the record, Jackson....Ammon didn't ask me on the first date. You, however, tried to hold my hand on our second date, in case you forgot...]

Anyway, I realized in that moment just how done I was with immature boys. If I want drama, I'll run over to Hulu and watch the latest episode of The Bachelorette, but I don't need ANY of that nonsense creeping into my relationships.

[To his credit, the next day Jackson DID send me an apology where he recognized that his message had been kind of harsh and explained that he just felt "really hurt and stupid that night." He told me he still thinks I'm awesome and that he hopes everything is going well in China. I was grateful for the apology and for the fact that I guess we're on "friend" terms again, but still...come on, man!]

 I know all of us tend to get fed up with dramatic girls, but how many of you are done with dramatic boys? Have you ever had a significant other that caused unnecessary drama like this in your relationship?

Kisses,
the charmer

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Incidents from the Life of the Charmer: Drama Boys Pt. 1

9/23/2014 The Charmer 0 Comments

Usually when we think about drama in relationships, we automatically think of the WOMEN as being the perpetrators.
Is this fair?
In all honesty, I think we probably do tend to be the more dramatic ones, but the stories that appear on this blog are proof that there are quite a few dramatic men out there as well. (Or should I say boys, not men...?)

Before leaving for China, I had my own fair share of dramatic interactions with one of these fellows. I mentioned him briefly when I mentioned that I'd had a short-lived relationship with a fellow RRM (that's recently returned missionary) about 2 months after coming home from my mission. In all honesty, I'm not even sure that it lasted long enough to call it a relationship. It literally unfolded about 2 weeks before I left for EFY and had already died (or so I thought) even before I hopped on that plane to head to Provo.

The ironic thing is that when I wrote about this relationship previously on the blog, I said that it "just...ended. Nothing too dramatic or exciting. I just left, and that was that."

Clearly, I had spoken too soon.

Sure, Jackson was a nice enough guy, but like I mentioned, everything just happened way too fast. The kid basically confessed his love for me after a week and a half. And even though we had great conversation and some fun dates during our 2-week stretch , he was a little immature (which is to be expected, as he was only 21 and hadn't even set foot in a college classroom yet). During our brief stint together, I did kiss him, but I have to confess I actually ended up feeling a little bit unsure about it afterwards. In fact, I think it was after the first kiss that I started taking a few BIG steps backward, realizing this was all happening too quickly.

Anyway, over the summer he would occasionally text me but we honestly didn't talk much. When I came home for 2 weeks after EFY before heading off to China, I hadn't really expected to spend much (or any) time with him. However, it seemed like the second I got off the plane he was already texting me and asking if we could get together sometime soon. After a few excuses on my part, he finally got me to agree to go with him and the missionaries to a lesson on Thursday. The investigator ended up bailing, the missionaries left, and suddenly I found myself on a date with him. We got some lunch, it was fine, whatever. He asked if I'd play the piano at a baptism that Saturday. I said yes.

The day in between Thursday and Saturday was very significant; it was the day that Ammon entered my life. As much as I'm hesitant to ever use the term "love at first sight," I think it's fair to say that at that point, Jackson or any other potential suitors were completely out of the running. So the next day at the baptism, when I saw Jackson getting cozy with another ward member named Claire, I didn't care. In fact, I was a bit relieved, since it meant he'd leave me alone.

Not so.

The next evening Jackson sent me a text and told me that he'd love some "Charmer time" that night. I told him no, I was skyping with my best friend and it might be a while (we were talking about Ammon, hellloooo). Jackson was relentless. He told me he didn't care if it was a late night, he just really wanted to spend time with me before I left for China. At this moment in time, I was of course asking my bestie for advice on how to let this kid down softly. I finally decided on the somewhat spineless approach of avoiding outright rejection and instead told him, "Ya know, I was kind of under the impression that you were interested in Claire now." He then proceeded to ask me WHERE I'd gotten that idea from and told me that Claire had just been a good friend for years. Then after not hearing back from me (come on, man, I'm skyping the BFF here), he admitted that although Claire was really into him, he wasn't sure how he felt about her because "he was still interested in the last girl he kissed." (I had to ask for clarification to find out if he was talking about me or someone else....me. He meant me.)

My answer was still no. I wasn't going to hang out with him that night. A bit dejected, he told me that he hoped he'd get to see me again since he was going to be gone camping for most of the week. I told him that I probably wouldn't see him until church on Sunday, since my week was going to be pretty busy (and I was planning on spending any spare time I DID have with Ammon).

Jackson sent me random camping pictures all week long...him on a mountain, him growing a beard, him by a river...and then when he finally got home on Thursday, texted and asked if I wanted to go out with him sometime that weekend. I told him I was pretty busy, but then he got a bit pouty and asked me, "Why do you keep blowing me off?" Feeling kind of bad, I apologized that I didn't have a lot of time this week as I was trying to get everything taken care of before leaving the country in 3 days. He told me he had made me a CD of EFY songs that he wanted to give me on Sunday. I told him that I would look forward to it. That seemed to appease him and the incessant texts stopped.

TO BE CONTINUED...

 [I know leaving you hanging at this point isn't much of well, leaving you hanging, as Jackson hasn't seemed particularly dramatic yet. But I promise you'll see that he's got a little flair for the dramatic in part 2...]

xoxo,
the charmer

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Absolutely intolerable.

9/19/2014 The Lady 2 Comments

My father always tells me that men are clueless, and I never was ready to believe that until recently. Until I met the most clueless man in the world. 

First of all, I do know that Ben was asking me out as a friend. I am very aware of that fact, so I am not confused about his intentions in the least. However, gentlemen, when you take a girl out, even just as a friend, you treat her as a lady. You come to the door to get her, you do not text her from your car. You open doors for her, do not make her follow after you like a puppy. You introduce her to your coworkers if you're at a work party and you involve her in conversations, don't just ignore her while you speak to others or sit on your phone. And when you do talk to her, don't talk to her about other girls. And when you drop her off, don't tell her that you'll text her if you get bored as she lets herself out of your car. 

Ladies and gentleman, I was so infuriated when I got home that I was sweating. Profusely. 

When he was talking to me, Ben was only concerned about telling me about what sort of girls he liked. Beautiful, young ones with a hint of personality. But he wouldn't mind dating an older one like me (I am 24 thank you very much) because of my education and career I could afford to pay for him to continue to go to school. Excuse me?


Heaven help me, 
The Lady

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Built to end.

9/13/2014 The Lady 2 Comments

Sometimes it is okay to admit that not all things are meant to last forever. The Southern Gentleman and I knew that such was the case. An ending was inevitable. I do not do long distance. Alabama (the place The Southern Gentleman actually lives) is much too far away. 

Following several weeks of dates (between EFY sessions), The Southern Gentleman and I planned a "goodbye date," which now that I think about it in retrospect is a terrible idea. But let's be honest, I have never won an award for my good decision-making skills. The Southern Gentleman knew that the goodbye date was a terrible idea, and thus failed to show up. That's right, I got stood up. It was the first time that ever happened to me, and I do not recommend it to anyone. It's not the best of times. 

Awful scenarios of fiery car accidents and muggings and bombings and amnesia and general emergency room trips were all I could think of. A couple days later, The Southern Gentleman texted (yes, texted) his apology claiming that having to say goodbye would be too difficult. "That's fair," I thought, "but why wouldn't he just tell me that?" A question I posed to him, to which he replied, "I'm not very good at that sort of thing." 

Who, pray tell, is good at that sort of thing? Does that mean that we should all avoid saying what needs to be said in order to circumvent discomfort? When did this sort of behavior become acceptable?

We parted as unlikely friends without ever actually saying goodbye.

The question now: Do I believe in closure? I think I have been chasing after closure for years, but perhaps I have been chasing after something that does not in fact exist. At least not in the way we think of it. We want closure in the way that we get the perfect words of consolation from another person. We want some explanation wrapped up prettily and handed to us with a winning smile. But even if we get that, it's not closure. Some doors are left slightly ajar. Some doors are slammed in our face. And we continually glance back at them always begging the question, "Why?" 

A quote from one of my favorite novels:  

“This word closure . . . it is a stupid word, ja? Bach did not believe in closure. Handel did not. Beethoven did not. Only Americans believe in closure because Americans are like little children--easily swindled.”

So maybe I don't believe in closure, because not all endings are closings.

Con Amor, 
The Lady

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The Rebirth

9/06/2014 The Lady 3 Comments

For those of you who have been hanging about this blog for the past several years, you know that it has been an absolute age since any of my romantic entanglements actually came to fruition. I have had vain hope in several men whom I assumed were the ones for me. I always seem to believe I know what I want and how I want it and with whom I want it, but sometimes it is best to be proved wrong. 

The Southern Gentleman was the pleasantest surprise I have had in the longest time. He took me out to dinner, but forgot his credit card. I had to pay and he was simply mortified. We went to a park and chatted on the jungle gym for hours while firework enthusiasts provided us with a personal display. My hands were small in his, and were scraped against the roughly-hewn callouses on his own. He kissed me with surety and nothing short of absolute adoration. And there were fireworks. 

For the first time in years, I felt as though I could leave it all behind. All the confusion and hurt over other men. All the baggage I've been hauling around. All the uncertainties and labels I have given myself. Sometimes all you need is someone to look at you in that way to realize that maybe you're not as worn out and used up and full of complications as you make yourself feel. Maybe sometimes you just need a Southern Gentleman. 

Con Amor, 
The Lady 

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One Week in China

9/06/2014 The Charmer 1 Comments

I've survived my first week in China!! Huzzah! Surprisingly, I haven't been nearly as overwhelmed as I expected I would be. I have an assistant, and she and the other students have been extremely helpful any time I need a little assistance. So far, most of my time in China has been spent eating Chinese food, riding my little motorized scooter around whilst trying to avoid hitting grandmas who are crossing the road, and being told 10 times a day by lovely Chinese people that I am "very beautiful." Of course, I’ve also done a bit of teaching and have attempted to master basic phrases in Mandarin.

I absolutely love it here! The Chinese people are amazingly friendly. They LOVE westerners, especially Americans, and even on my worst hair day they for some reason think I look like a princess. If you’ve ever wanted to know what it feels like to be a celebrity, just come here. I promise it won’t take long before there are Chinese people snapping pictures of you. My students are darling...and even though they are college students, I still feel like "darling" is the best adjective to describe them. I got an email from one of the girls in my classes today telling me that she thinks I am "beautiful and nice" and that she loves me a lot. Aaww…LOVE THEM!

The branch I am attending on Sundays has about 60 people in it with a surprising number of young single adults. In fact, in two weekends we are having a YSA conference in Shanghai that will include people from all the branches in the area! Hopefully I’ll be able to make a few friends who will be willing to run around with me and explore when I have time off.

For those of you who were fans of Ammon, the most recent (and most promising) man to pop up in my love life, you’ll be happy to know that things are still going well. We have been skyping fairly frequently and we still haven’t run out of things to talk about.

Ammon recently gained a few more brownie points on my birthday, which happened to be earlier this week. I was in my apartment, getting ready to go out to meet up with some of the students for my birthday party, when all of a sudden my doorbell rings. (No no, it wasn’t Ammon! THAT would have been wild) I unlock the door to the building and in walks a delivery boy carrying a HUGE bouquet of flowers. I stared at him in awe…who on EARTH could have sent me those? I asked him, but he either didn’t understand me or didn’t know (all he said was, “You are very beautiful!”) and I was left wracking my brain trying to figure out who might have sent me flowers. I finally found the card buried amidst the babies’ breath and lilies and it was from Ammon! Oh. My. Gosh. I started freaking out (in a good way, of course). The kid sent me flowers! In China! I still don’t really know how he managed to do that. But needless to say, I was impressed. My birthday was FULL of fantastic and fantastically wild moments, but that lovely surprise was probably my favorite part. I think it’s safe to say that I like him. A lot.

Well, that’s the news from Wuxi, China. Life is good. It is SO good, even if my brain wants to explode every time I go to my Chinese class. I know that YOUR lives are so good, too, even though sometimes it may seem like things aren’t going quite the way you want them to. Best of luck to those of you who are starting the new semester, new jobs, new relationships, or whatever other adventure is currently under way in your lives! And if you happen to be travelling my way…give me a buzz, let’s go explore the city together. You can sit on the back of my e-bike.

internationally yours,
the charmer

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