Wants vs. Needs and Steak vs. Hamburger

7/12/2015 The Lady 4 Comments

For some, relationships come easily. For some, love finds them. For some, the first love is the right love. 

For me, I struggle to settle down. For me, I struggle to find what I think love ought to be. For me, the first (and not even the second) love was not the right love.

I have a wise aunt who was not married until her early 30s, which in the 1970s I assume was much more of an anomaly than it is now. At a family reunion recently, we had a long conversation about my dating life, which I sorely needed. I told her all my woes and worries, and she was more than understanding. My Aunt Gardiner brushed aside all my fears about getting older and not getting any closer to finding a husband claiming that even though she wasn't married until she was "older" herself, she is "just as married as anybody else is." 

Then we had a long talk about quality men. My Aunt Gardiner told me that my Uncle Gardiner was not her ideal man. This shocked me as I had only seen extreme affection between my aunt and uncle, which has sometimes proven to be be slightly uncomfortable to witness as they are in their 60s. My Aunt Gardiner noted my somewhat panicked expression and clarified that although my Uncle Gardiner was not what she thought her ideal was, he turned out to be what she needed. Which in the long run is infinitely better. She made the analogy of loving steak, that steak was her meat of choice, but she was perfectly happy with hamburger. I am not terribly fond of meat analogies, but it was her analogy not mine, so I'll not tamper with it.

I do have an ideal. Some dark-haired, deep-voiced semi-giant of a man who can sweep me off my feet both physically and with his clever jokes and intimidating intelligence. But ideals are silly aren't they? When has anyone ever ended up with an ideal? When have plans ever fallen perfectly into place? 

But then again, has there ever been a time when what we have wanted has not been trumped by what we have needed? And shouldn't our needs be more important than our wants? 

Con Amor, 

The Lady

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Anonymous said...

I needed this post. I am so hung up on finding the ideal or what I think I need, but it never turns out to be what I need, just like you said. Your Aunt Gardiner sounds so great! I need to meet her to talk of my dating woes!

Anonymous said...

My mom likes to say similar things...."I wasn't that fond of/attracted to your dad right off!" Not all that helpful generally. But like Anonymous #1, it's so easy to get hung up on what we think we need and so we write off those guys. It's a very intricate puzzle. I feel more and more lately that I really don't know what I want or need in a relationship.

Anonymous said...

While I also realize I have no idea what I want or need in a relationship, there are some things that I KNOW I want/need. He's gotta be strong in his testimony and the gospel. He has to be able to accept me, all of me, past, quirks, insecurities and all. He needs to be kind, and he's gotta love me. Ultimately I just want to be loved. Really loved. Isn't that all we need? "All you need is love!" hahaha I think there are just so many things that contribute to love, that makes it love, that they are all things I want/need. All things that lead to my happiness and his. Which is what God wants for me. Happiness. This is a bunch of gibberish, but what can ya do?

The Rational said...

It has been my experience that you don't really know what you want until you see it. I had ideals until I met my best friend. She and I talked and I realized a lot of my ideals were either unimportant or not actually what I wanted. Little did I know I'd actually end up with her, which is particularly ironic because I frankly did not find her attractive when I met her. She wasn't bad, and we hung out, but I never saw it coming. Now I think she's the sweetest thing and the greatest blessing of my life (and don't worry...I definitely find her very attractive now too).

We're humans. We're good at a lot of things, including being stupid and falling in love with people. So no worries.

Unless you do both at the same time of course.