The Charmer's Dateless Life + An Opportunity for YOU to be a Guest Poster!

12/15/2015 The Charmer 0 Comments


So here's an interesting tidbit about the Charmer: she hasn't gone on a real date in almost a year.

Say what? I know, it's crazy, right? What happened to the flirtatious, part-time-dater of yesteryear?
Well, she went to China.
And despite the fact that our branch has managed to produce 3 marriages in the last year from couples who met here, I guess not everyone finds love in China.

Third person aside, my time in China is drawing to a close and the boys of Facebook are beginning to prowl. It seems like every couple of days I get a message from a guy I know back in the States who is just "checking up" on me to see how things are going and to see if I've figured out my plans for when I come back yet. In fact, Facebook itself has been confused about my obvious lack of dating life and has recently been suggesting websites where I can get counseling for same-gender attraction. Thanks, Facebook. Can't a girl be 25 and single in peace?

The answer is no. Not even my students will leave me alone. Recently it has come to my attention that my students have been scheming on how they can hook me up with Kevin, one of the other foreign teachers here. Last week, one of my students came up to me after class and said that he had two ice skating tickets he wanted to give me as a Christmas present. He handed them to me and then added, "One is for you and one is for you to ask a friend. Who will you ask?" Without giving me more than a couple of seconds to think, he quickly interjected, "I think you should ask Kevin."

Ha. Good one. Unfortunately, given the three 10-second conversations that I have had with Kevin, I don't think we're particularly compatible.
It's like being an EFY counselor all over again.

Anyway, I can only assume that once my feet hit American soil I will be thrust back into the world of dating. For now, however, I am enjoying my reprieve from it all.
But just because my dating life lacks savor, it doesn't mean that YOURS do! I know that many of you are off dating up a storm and you probably have some exciting tales to tell.

So, we want to hear from you!

 This is an opportunity for you to guest post here on the Anti-Austen! The new year is coming up and I'm sure some of you are considering your dating lives and what you might do to improve them. Hopefully your fellow readers have some ideas for you!
A few weeks ago, I talked about DATING IDEAS. I want to hear from YOU about the do's and don'ts when it comes to thinking up a date. Posts can be about
  •  the most creative or clever date you've been on
  • a date that seemed to have great potential but due to unforeseen circumstances, the original plans fell through in a disastrous way (and if applicable, what you did to salvage the date!)
  • the strangest date you've ever been on (aka activities you WOULDN'T recommend)
Write 'em up and send 'em over to xoxo.the.charmer [at] gmail [dot] com.

Can't wait to hear from you! Hopefully your posts can excite and inspire me to enter the dating world again.

xoxo,
the charmer

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No more excuses: Dating resources for you to steal!

11/18/2015 The Charmer 5 Comments

How is the BYU dating scene these days?

I have a very single and very eligible brother at BYU who refuses to date. In fact, I've been battling with him and his dateless dating life for years now. I even wrote him a book to help him become a dating pro, but still nothing. If he ever goes on a date it's because the girl asked him out. [Go gutsy girls!]

When I ask him why he's not dating, he tells me "I don't have any money" or "I don't have any date ideas." Excuses, excuses! Still, I suppose that his reasons do have some merit.
So, for him and for you, I've decided to address what I think may be two of the main culprits keeping you from going on dates.

  1. "I don't have any money."
I know that dating can become an expensive endeavor. Sure, you can take a date to the duck pond, but you can only feed ducks so many times before you've got to buy some more bread. The truth is that when it comes to dating, eventually you're going to need to spend a little money. As a discount-lover myself, I think it's perfectly acceptable to use a coupon or some other form of discount on dates. After all, I think there's a difference between being "cheap" and "resourceful."
So,  I suggested to my brother that he check out Groupon, since they used to always be my go to resource when I was in charge of planning dates. (Yes, believe it or not, I would occasionally be the one to do the asking…)The fantastic news is that Groupon actually just launched a new website for those of you who are really thrifty called Groupon Coupons. Groupon Coupons is a huge collection of coupons, discount codes, and deals in one place and you don't have to pay anything to use them like you do with traditional Groupons. They've got deals on groceries, travel, and clothes...but more importantly, you can use them for your dating purposes! I looked around and found some great restaurant deals, like free appetizers at Olive Garden. (Please, non-daters of Provo, tell me you're okay with free?) Also, I found a ton of coupons for Charming Charlie, which is dangerous! This just happens to be one of my favorite stores, and not only because it has the word "charming" in it. ;)

  1. "I don't have any date ideas."
Actually, when coming from my brother this is a lame excuse because I wrote him a whole freakin' book that had an entire chapter on date ideas!! However, if you don't have your own personalized dating book to consult, luckily for you the author of the "Date Ben" blog has recently put together a list of 31 inexpensive and creative date ideas. These date ideas were all tested by her brother in a 31-day period and they proved to be successful. Some of them, like going on an escape adventure at The Escape Key, sound absolutely fabulous and I must confess that a part of me wishes I was in Provo to give them a try.

Let me know what you think of the ideas or if you find any sweet deals on the Groupon coupons website! I have amassed quite a collection of creative (and often quirky) date ideas and would be willing to share them if you find yourself still at a loss.

And remember ladies…if the boys aren't asking you, don't be afraid to step up and ask them for a change. Women like you may be the only things keeping people like my brother socially afloat. 

xoxo,

The Charmer

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The Charmer's New Writing Adventure

11/03/2015 The Charmer 4 Comments

I'm curious: If you could assign each one of the Austens a name (just a regular, ordinary English name), what would it be?

Actually, it's not just mere curiosity. I do have a purpose for my random inquiry.

You may have heard of National Novel Writing Month, more commonly known as NaNoWriMo. Basically, every November, a whole bunch of ambitious writers commit to write a novel of at least 50,000 words in a month. Sounds crazy, right? Crazy...but also fantastic! I think I first heard about NaNoWriMo 10 years ago and thought, Wow, I should give that a try! But at the time, I was an overscheduled high school student, busy with exams and piano lessons and running hurdles and whatever the heck I occupied my time with back then. Every year I thought about giving it a shot. Unfortunately, as time went on the Novembers only get busier. Soon those AP classes turned into college courses, and on top of that I had both a part-time job and a part-time dating life.

Long story short...10 years of potential novels never happened.

Until now.

I decided to suck it up and signed up for NaNoWriMo a few weeks ago. Crazy? Maybe. Exciting? Surprisingly so. I decided to go for it, and the one novel idea (hahaha...did you catch my pun) that has attached itself to my brain is the story of the Anti-Austen blog. Mind you, what I'm working on is a fictional account, which means in the end the characters and their storylines may have little resemblance to real life. But...really,who knows. Right now, this novel is still lying around in fragmented chunks and ideas.

Before this novel can take on a life of its own, however, my characters need names. Something besides "Charmer" and "Lady", which is really the only way I can think of them in my head.

So, tell me...when you think of each of the Anti-Austens, what do you imagine their real names might be?

-The Charmer

PS- I'd also love to know which of the Austen's "storylines" have been your favorite. Was there a particular boy you adored? A boy you loved to hate? Maybe they'll make it into the final product. ;)

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A Change in Me

10/18/2015 The Charmer 2 Comments


Whoever said there were no stupid questions was clearly not a 25-year-old unmarried Mormon woman.

"So, why aren't you married?"
"Why isn't an attractive, intelligent girl like you married yet?"
"You made it four years at BYU and you didn't get married? How did you manage that?"

 No matter how it's phrased, I think it's a stupid question. It's also rather insensitive. If you ask one of us this question, you're bound to receive nothing but a reproachful look in response along with a fake laugh.. The truth is, most of us "attractive, intelligent" unmarried gals don't have an answer to the question. If we did, we'd be married. Duh.

For me, though, the answer is that I just never really wanted to be married. That might come as a shock to anyone who has perused my Pinterest boards. But for all my talk of dating and my love of weddings, I seem to lack the desire to actually get married. I considered it a few times at BYU but my list of cons always seemed to outweigh my list of pros. (Yes, I literally wrote a list at the suggestion of one of my bishops. As I recall, the list had maybe 3 pros and 15+ cons.) Frankly, if I didn't have the eternal perspective and understanding that comes from the restored gospel, I'm not sure I would even pursue marriage.

Sounds about right.

But I do have an eternal perspective. And I know that marriage is important. For the last few years I've been trying to come to terms with it and allow myself to be open to the possibility of getting married. Asking the Lord to change my heart towards marriage and men in general is one of those things I have to pray for frequently.

Recently, however, I've noticed a change in my desires--and I believe it's a positive one. I think I've finally gotten to the point where I am ready to take that step. I think that my eternal soul is seeking something lasting. After all, thus far everything in my life has been temporary. Schooling, jobs, my mission...I've gone into all of these things with an end in sight. In fact, the only permanent things in my life--my family and the gospel--are things that have always been there. I haven't ever started something that I expected to last forever.
I've had so many beginnings and endings in my life, and I think the eternal side of me is getting tired of that.

I love what President Uchtdorf said in April 2014 general conference:
In light of what we know about our eternal destiny, is it any wonder that whenever we face the bitter endings of life, they seem unacceptable to us? There seems to be something inside of us that resists endings.Why is this? Because we are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal beings, children of the Almighty God, whose name is Endless and who promises eternal blessings without number. Endings are not our destiny.
I am ready to begin something that will last, something that doesn't have an expiration date.
And so, with that in mind, I will be ending (wait, didn't I just say...oh never mind.) my job in China early next year and coming home with the intention to...well....try and get married? I guess? Yikes. It sounds weird to even type it. As much as I love it here and even though everyone (from students to supervisors to branch members) is trying to convince me to stay, I feel like this is the right step for me. It's a big step of trust for me. Even though I in no way have my life figured out when I get back in February, I'm trusting that things will line up for me.
Who knows? Maybe by the end of next year people won't have a reason to ask me, "So...why aren't you married?"
xoxo,
the charmer
ON A SIDENOTE....me leaving my position at the university means that they are looking for someone to replace me. There have been BYU-affiliated teachers here for the last 6 years and they would love to continue that trend. If you or someone you know has a degree and some teaching experience and would be interested in a paid opportunity to teach English in China, let me know! You can email me at xoxo.the.charmer@gmail.com.  You could apply to come as soon as February or in August of next year. EDIT: Married couples are welcome to apply, too! I'm actually the first teacher in the string of BYU teachers here to be single. 

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"Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure."

10/10/2015 The Lady 5 Comments

I meant to keep you updated. I meant to tell you about the three lost months I spent in a long-distance relationship with a guy I saw a grand total of twice during that time. I meant to tell you about the weird time I very briefly dated a steroid-ridden weightlifter who was so very full of himself there was no room for me. But all those "meant-tos" and "should-haves" cease to have a place in my life. And I am so grateful for that. 

Here I often claim I am attempting to dodge the Willoughbys of this world, but the truth of the matter is that I often can't spot those characteristics until I am knee-deep and must escape with some force. That's the thing about Willoughbys, I suppose. 

But the good news is (and I am here to inform you of it) that there are good men in this world. There are Darcy, Knightley, and Wentworth types. They really do exist. 

My dear friends of the past four years, my time with you is now coming to an end. In true Austen-heroine fashion, I am ending the documentation of my dating life with a marriage. It still looks so strange on the page. I am getting married, I am getting married, I am getting married. How can this be real? 

Let me tell you, it was not what I was expecting; he was not what I was expecting. I cannot succinctly describe the past several months in any entertaining way. I cannot express my gratitude and my hope for the future. I do not know if I ought to cry or jump about in girlish giggles, so I actually just do both. 

He is the best person for me. He is so much of what I need in my life, and I fell in love first with his kindness. His kindness keeps me from freaking out (too much), and it keeps me from wanting to run away. I thought I knew what I wanted, I thought I wanted fireworks and healthy debates and sarcastic humor, British accents, and tweed jackets or something. But those things aren't for me. Not anymore. All I needed was someone to be kind to me, to look at me in that way, to treat me like I am their entire world, to be treated as though I am both more than and enough and perfectly able to become better. Encouraged, cherished, supported, loved.  

It is all so unlike a Jane Austen novel. It's better than a Jane Austen novel. Simply because it's real. 

Con amor for the last time, 
The Coquette/The Lady  

P.S. I cannot thank you all (and the other Anti-Austens) enough for the love and support over the years. Writing for this blog has been my joy and my honor. All the best to you, and all my love.  

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Apparently Pickup Lines are a Thing

8/29/2015 The Charmer 1 Comments

Well, it's been a while, hasn't it? Apologies for less-than-frequent updates, but all of the Austens have pretty busy lives these days. Surprisingly "real life" tends to be busier than college life. Who knew?! 

 After a brief hiatus in America, I've returned to China for another semester of teaching. Although I was only home for two months, it was possibly the BEST summer I've ever had! (Granted, I say that every summer, but they really do keep getting better!) Since getting off the plane a few days ago it seems all I've been doing is sleeping. I'm not sure if it's jetlag or if my body is just trying to catch up from the severe lack of sleep it experienced this summer. Between visiting my mission, being maid of honor at my best friend's wedding, living at Lake Powell for a week and of course throwing in a few weeks of EFY, I didn't have much time for sleeping. Unfortunately for you readers, I also didn't have much time for any romances to blossom, either. I only went on one sort-of-possibly-a-date this summer, although true to Charmer-fashion I did have a handful of men hitting on me at any given moment (mostly EFY counselors).

Although none of these gallant men actually did anything that would lead to a real relationship, like asking me on a date, this summer was the first time I had pickup lines used on me for real.
[I think that EFY counselors are the only people on the planet who actually think that pickup lines are acceptable. I guess that's what happens when you hang our with 15-year-olds all summer and have to think up pickup lines in order to go to dinner.]

So, for your reading pleasure, here are some of the lines that were used on me this summer. [Yes, honestly. If you think YOU'RE surprised that these pickup lines actually happened, you should have seen MY face.]

1. If I had to compare you to a hymn, I would choose hymn #98 because I need thee every hour.
2. Hey, what's your last name? Hmm, that's alright I guess. Do you like it? Well...how would you like to change it to Smith? [Smith was HIS last name]
3. Hey, you should give me a call...because I'm a CATCH! (at this point, he tossed me a tennis ball with his phone number on it)
4. Hey....umm....you know, I had something I was about to say to you...but you're so beautiful you made me forget my pickup line.
5. When my girls and I were eating dinner one night, a counselor sidled up to our dinner table, threw his arm around me, and asked them, "Hey, do you think the two of us look good together?"
6. (same boy, same interrupted dinner) You know, when I'm not at EFY, I'm a fisherman. And this one time I caught a fish that was THIS BIG [cue him putting his arm around me] that I couldn't resist telling you about it.
7. (same dinner conversation) He said to me, "You know, I've been fasting today, but it looks like I can finally break my fast." I said something like, "Oh...that's nice." And he responded, "Don't you want to know why?" Without waiting for a response, he replied, "Because I saw you walk in and realized that I just saw the answer to my prayers."

Well, I'll be honest--none of these lines won me over. But for you courageous-types out there, give 'em a whirl and see if one of them can land you a date for next weekend. Or, on second thought, maybe just stick with the old-fashioned "Hey, you seem really cool and I'd love to take you on a date. Can I get your number?" I think it has a better success rate. ;)

加油,
the charmer

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Wants vs. Needs and Steak vs. Hamburger

7/12/2015 The Lady 4 Comments

For some, relationships come easily. For some, love finds them. For some, the first love is the right love. 

For me, I struggle to settle down. For me, I struggle to find what I think love ought to be. For me, the first (and not even the second) love was not the right love.

I have a wise aunt who was not married until her early 30s, which in the 1970s I assume was much more of an anomaly than it is now. At a family reunion recently, we had a long conversation about my dating life, which I sorely needed. I told her all my woes and worries, and she was more than understanding. My Aunt Gardiner brushed aside all my fears about getting older and not getting any closer to finding a husband claiming that even though she wasn't married until she was "older" herself, she is "just as married as anybody else is." 

Then we had a long talk about quality men. My Aunt Gardiner told me that my Uncle Gardiner was not her ideal man. This shocked me as I had only seen extreme affection between my aunt and uncle, which has sometimes proven to be be slightly uncomfortable to witness as they are in their 60s. My Aunt Gardiner noted my somewhat panicked expression and clarified that although my Uncle Gardiner was not what she thought her ideal was, he turned out to be what she needed. Which in the long run is infinitely better. She made the analogy of loving steak, that steak was her meat of choice, but she was perfectly happy with hamburger. I am not terribly fond of meat analogies, but it was her analogy not mine, so I'll not tamper with it.

I do have an ideal. Some dark-haired, deep-voiced semi-giant of a man who can sweep me off my feet both physically and with his clever jokes and intimidating intelligence. But ideals are silly aren't they? When has anyone ever ended up with an ideal? When have plans ever fallen perfectly into place? 

But then again, has there ever been a time when what we have wanted has not been trumped by what we have needed? And shouldn't our needs be more important than our wants? 

Con Amor, 

The Lady

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The Charmer's Thoughts on her Long-Distance Relationship

6/24/2015 The Charmer 2 Comments

Well, time has flown by again, as it tends to do. This last week brought a few big changes into the life of Charmer. Ammon (or "Elder Ammon" as I guess he's now known) has headed off to a more worthwhile endeavor than weekly Skype sessions with me. That went fast, RIGHT? He entered the MTC on June 17th about the same time I hopped on a plane to come back to the good ol' USA...so no, to answer your question, we didn't see each other. Although I would have loved to see him again, I know this is a better option. [He wasn't so sure. But I saw Mr. Director the day I went into the MTC and so I could PROMISE Ammon that it is better this way.]

I guess I can now officially say I've had a successful long-term relationship...and for eight months, no less! Not too shabby for a girl who NEVER thought she could handle a long-term relationship.

In fact, I've learned a few lessons from this relationship that I think apply to all relationships. I realized that through this across-the-world romance, I was able to strengthen a few characteristics that will help me in future relationships as well.

1. COMMITMENT. 
We often talk about being committed to one another when dating, but with this relationship I learned how important it is to be committed to the relationship as well. You really have to be committed to making a long-distance relationship work. The time difference usually means one of you is Skyping past your bedtime. It's not as easy or convenient to send a text or call each other as it is in non-distance relationships. Since I've demonstrated varying levels of commitment in my life it was good for me to have this opportunity to CHOOSE to be committed in order to make this relationship work.

2. TRUST.
Obviously, trust is of the utmost importance in any relationship. In a long-distance relationship you really develop the characteristic of both trust and trustworthiness. My parents trust that I'm making good decisions out here on my own in China; likewise, Ammon also trusted that I wasn't getting myself into too much trouble. I got to demonstrate my trust in him, too; after all, he had a lot more viable dating options than I did. Based on one of my past relationships, I could have made the excuse that "trust is something I struggle with in relationships." But just like with commitment, I made the choice to trust...and it really helped me to have a positive experience with Ammon.

3. OPENNESS
I was surprised by how quickly I achieved a high level of openness in my relationship with Ammon. I had dated him for a shorter amount of time than other guys but yet I felt like we both knew each other better. One benefit of long-distance relationships is that you have a lot of time to just....talk. There's no cuddling or movie watching. Obviously I enjoy those things, but it was refreshing to experience a relationship without them for once. I discovered that surprisingly, it is possible. I think we know each other pretty well, even though we've only spent a total of 2 weeks together in person.


Commitment, trust, and openness were all aspects of relationships that I have struggled with in the past. Voila! Can't say I'm perfect, but I am glad for the slight to major improvements I've seen in all three areas. Apparently a long-distance relationship was exactly what I needed these last eight months.

And now....I guess we'll see what happens. I suppose it's time to throw myself back into the dating pool. Let's try to avoid the piranhas. [I realized a moment ago that I had absolutely NO idea how to spell "piranhas"....I don't think it's a word I've ever had a reason to write or type before. Thank goodness for auto-correct]

xoxo,
the charmer

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Mama's Boys and Tygers

6/20/2015 The Lady 1 Comments

I believe I went to the singles' branch in my area a grand total of thrice. The first time because my father forced me to go by actually driving me the hour to sacrament meeting. (I was being perfectly active in my home ward, but I think he was desperate for me to find some friends). 

 In my limited experience, singles' branches and singles' wards are vastly different. Although singles' wards have their fair share of interesting single men, I believe singles' branches to be the breeding ground of said interesting creatures. Perhaps it is just the branch in my area, but it seemed to be an assembly of the offbeat. The men all seemed to be not yet socially mature, they laughed nervously around me when they introduced themselves, their general conversations were solely based on mission experiences or on the new Avengers film, and they all seemed to have oddly close relationships with their mothers. I wouldn't be surprised if each and everyone of them has one of those Stripling Warriors Mama's Boys t-shirts. Blech. Well there weren't just one or two of these sort as there are in your average singles' ward, but I would say 85% of the branch was like that. Which means that left about only three somewhat normal schmoes. 

One of these seemingly normal guys approached me on my first Sunday to introduce himself. He was good looking, fit, had a full head of hair, was obviously older than 19. Not bad. Not bad at all. But then he introduced himself as "Tyger." Tyger with a "y" like the William Blake poem. Because he is an English teacher. You know because English teachers do that sort of thing. I am only slightly ashamed to admit that I audibly guffawed. 

I didn't last long at the singles' branch. 

Con Amor, 
The Lady 

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Much, Much Better

5/12/2015 The Charmer 1 Comments

I can never believe how quickly time passes. I always say that, so it seems like I would have gotten used to it by now...but I never do. In only five weeks, I'll be leaving China and I'll be back in the US (that is if the bank will stop blocking my credit cards every time I try to order my stinkin plane ticket from a Chinese website) ! Where did the entire school year go? I actually decided to extend my contract, so I will be coming back for the fall semester after a couple months of hopping around the US for weddings, EFY, etc.

My last post (which was a whole month ago, sorry 'bout that) may have left you worrying about my emotional state. I'm guessing that none of you worried for too long, since there weren't any anxious comments asking for updates, but if you did you needn't have. As always, I'm fine! I guess that post was just more of a vent session. I needed to tell someone how I was feeling, and as I explained, most of my friends are too busy being engaged or married to listen to my complain.

First off, Ammon has his mission call! In a month he'll be headed to the MTC and then onto Boston, MA. I think his call is absolutely perfect for him; I can totally picture him in Boston. I won't see him before he leaves but I think it's probably for the best. He doesn't need the distraction of being around me.

I've also decided that I'm not going to "wait" for him. I've always been opposed to waiting for missionaries, but if you hadn't noticed from my Ammon-themed posts I've been pretty smitten with him. In fact, things were going so well that I had decided yes, I was going to wait for him and continue to call him my boyfriend after he left.
And that was right about the time when I started feeling really conflicted about everything. It was shortly after that decision that I wrote my previous post where I admitted to being an emotional wreck.
Obviously something was wrong, right?

As the saying goes, I guess I was "blinded by love" and it took some counsel from someone older and wiser to help me realize it. One of my high school seminary teachers sensed something was up and wrote me a long email with encouragement about the situation. She included part of a letter that she had written to her missionary daughter after her daughter was "Dear Jane"d. With her permission, I've decided to share some of it with you.

Do you believe The Lord loves you? Do you believe that if you put forth your whole heart, might mind and strength 100% that The Lord will bless you so immeasurably with THE PERFECT companion upon your return, that you will weep with such great joy and so much humility for not trusting Him enough to begin with?!
     Dad, Michael, and I all thought we were going to marry one person .... and it didn't work out and we are all SO glad because we found someone who truly was right for us instead. I have heard countless stories of this and guess what? They ALL have happy endings .... Not the ending one expected in the middle, but a much happier one.
     You have great potential to be a FORCE for good in this life, and will be equally yoked to one who has EQUAL potential! And whom you will love more than you imagined you could. 
Let it go and be free to reach your full potential!!!!
Forget yourself and get back to work =D

Finally, she concluded the letter by giving me the exact same advice I'd given to her daughter when she was considering waiting for a missionary: let Ammon go on his own unencumbered journey so that the Lord can work in both your life and his. If in the end, you're led back to Ammon, great. If not, this is a perfect opportunity for the Lord "to lead you to the perfect companion for you to reach your full potential in this life with." 

Her letter was exactly what I needed and immediately afterwards I felt unburdened. I felt peaceful. Of course Ammon is amazing, but it was clear from the way I felt after receiving this advice that going into the next two years with an "on hold" or an "I'm taken" mentality is not what my Heavenly Father wants for me.

So, even though I still feel a little distant in my relationship with Ammon, I still feel lonely on occasion, and all of my friends (including my bestie) are still engaged or pregnant with their 2nd/3rd children, I feel a lot more peaceful about the future than I did a month ago. To be honest, I feel much, much better about everything. Trusting in the Lord has brought me this far (literally as far away as China) and I have absolute confidence that it will continue to bring me exactly where I need to be. Which hopefully includes a temple marriage in the semi-nearish future. 

confidently and peacefully yours,
the charmer

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Is this thing on?

5/10/2015 The Romantic 4 Comments

Oh hello there lovelies. Fancy running into you here.

I type these words as though it's a coincidence running into you here when the fact is that I have deserted you dear readers for far too long. Fortunately, you have all had the most grand privilege of reading the delectable details of the other Anti-Austenites' love lives as I've been away.

And where is it that I've been dear readers? Well for the most part binge watching LOST and The West Wing while eating sweet potato pizza. Alone. In my apartment. In South Korea. (After diligently teaching English to lovely Korean children all day of course)

People constantly ask about my love life here. But as always, there is nothing to tell. Maybe there was a Korean man who's taken me out on several dates. But Korean dating is such an undefined wild beast for me, that I can still never make heads or tails of it. Perhaps a Korean gentleman is making advances towards me, but then again, perhaps he is just more skilled at using emoticons than Americans are. It's all very confusing.

When I tell Koreans that I have no dating life whatsoever, they seem just as perplexed as I am as to why I don't have one. (Which I find to be extremely validating).

"But you're so pretty!" (a cultural opinion, as I'm not by American standards)

"But you graduated from BYU!" (again not anything very special there)

"But you're so fun!" (ok, I do agree with them on that point. I am a barrel full of laughs)

"But you're a returned missionary!" So this last exclamation brings me to the discussion point of this blog post. In my experience (based on the spoken opinion of American men in my last BYU ward and some married American military men I've met here), guys don't like dating RMs.

But in Korea, a returned sister missionary is prized. Men here prefer to date an RM. And some parents worry that if their daughters don't serve a mission, they won't get married at all.

This has been my experience.

But this begs the question readers, what has been your experience? Is the undateable RM sister reality or myth?

Before my mission, I was the type of girl who went on multiple dates... in one day.

And now?

(insert funny joke here comparing my dating life to the California drought)

Well that's all for now dear readers. It may be another six months before I write you again. But maybe not.

Xoxo
-the Romantic

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He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

5/08/2015 The Lady 4 Comments

I know that I have more than sufficiently wallowed over The Counselor. I know I have dragged you through all the ups and downs right along with me. I know there have been more downs than ups. And now I know he and I are down for good. 

The Counselor sent me a text one night near midnight to ask how I was doing. It has always been situations like this that make me go through the horrendous ordeal of he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not. There is no half-heartedness with me. Before long our casual texting about the greatness of Ben Folds and how he needs to watch more episodes of Friends took a turn to why he and I would never work out. Not my favorite topic of conversation. 

Him: You and I are different. While we get along well, and I believe that any two people committed to each other and The Savior can make it work, I feel like we're constantly trying to change each other's minds. I feel like we get under each other's skin unnecessarily frequently. And not in the good kind of drive-me-crazy way either. 

Me: Then why did you drag this out? You didn't have to take me out, you didn't have to keep talking to me. I would have been okay, really. 

Him: But I wanted to. 

Me: But there was nothing to gain from it. 

Him: The truth is, I thoroughly enjoy you as a human, and I'm not one to write that off. In the long run, you're either friends, you date, or you pretend each other doesn't exist! And in [city where we went to grad school], how do you pretend someone doesn't exist? Especially someone who is an absolute breath of fresh air? 

I am sure you can imagine my inner dialogue during all of this. This mind-numbing discussion went on and on and on for another two hours, and even though The Counselor never said "I don't like you because you're too opinionated and argumentative," that is precisely what I took away from the conversation. C'mon, I'm a girl and I will interpret and conclude and over-analyze until the day I don't cry when watching Little Women (never). 

Sometimes when I am hurt by a boy/guy/man (intentionally or unintentionally) it sends out ripples to every other past failed relationship or non-relationship. This one particularly stung as it brought back memories of Dex telling me how infuriating I was because of how argumentative I can be and blaming our break up on my opinionated-ness. What's the matter with me? 

At the same time, it was maddening to feel like I was to blame again because I have strong opinions. Albeit sometimes strong opinions about trivial things. I feel as though I am supposed to be sweet and passive all the time. Is that how I am supposed to be?

Con Amor, 
The Lady 

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A Little Bit of a Lonely Mess

4/08/2015 The Charmer 4 Comments

I really have been a mess of different thoughts and emotions recently. No new dating stories, sorry. But maybe I'll have something to say that you can relate to.
Warning: It's kind of a long post. And it's kind of raw.

For the last five years, it seems like my Facebook has been one endless cycle of engagements, marriages, and newborns. Strangely enough, it still hasn't stopped. I was certain all of my friends were married by now but it seems like every month, they prove me wrong because another one gets engaged. Yesterday I got back from taking a weekend trip to another city and didn't check Facebook until today. My newsfeed was one picture after another of couples in love, couples getting engaged, couples with their newborn baby, or couples with a "we're pregnant!" announcement. Usually when this happens, I just shake my head and laugh to myself, muttering something like Another one bites the dust!

Today was different.
Today was the first time I cried.

It wasn't a big cry, and given the time of month it is it's quite possible that the tears were more hormonal than situational. But today it felt like all those years of endless happy pictures gathered together into one giant toothpick and stabbed me in the heart.

I've never been excessively needy. I like boyfriends but I've always been fine without one. I'm okay being on my own...I mean, I moved across the world to a foreign country by myself. I've never felt like my life was missing anything even though I'm going on 25 without a ring on my finger. In fact, I'm one of the seemingly few LDS singles who really enjoys the single life. I don't fret about being married.

But today, as I looked at my mission companions and best friend and even ex-boyfriend (I'll explain later) happy and in love, I realized how much I really do want that. Even with my wildly adventurous life in China, I often catch myself thinking You know, this would be even better if I had a husband here with me.  I love my life, but it's lonely sometimes. And even though some days I still declare stoically that marriage "isn't for me," it's becoming more and more apparent that I actually want to take that step sooner rather than later.

A few recent situations have also done their share to wreak havoc upon my emotions.

Situation A. My very best friend in the world is on the verge of getting engaged. A couple days ago her boyfriend just called her dad...you know, "the call." This summer I'll have the privilege of being at her side when she marries him. Am I thrilled? Of course! Is it crazy and really strange for me? Umm, yes. During our four years of college, she was usually at home on Friday nights while I was off on one date after another. She was always the one to comfort me after my most recent heartbreak and we'd both wonder aloud when the losers would get their acts together and realize how amazing she was. The truth is, we both expected I'd find my way to wedded bliss first. I think she's been even more surprised than me that she's going to be the first one married. We always joked (half-seriously, of course) that maybe one day if neither of us got married we could be cat ladies together. Well, obviously she's chosen a better option than a bunch of smelly cats...and even though I'm happy for her, it still leaves a little tear in my heart.

Situation B. Secondly, The Ex. Not Mr. Director, but the other Ex, the one I've known for 5 years and first started dating when I was 19. Up until last summer, he still harbored pretty strong feelings for me. Even though I didn't feel quite the same way about him last time we chatted, after four years of not being together, I still care a lot about him. I guess a better way to put that is he's still one of my good friends but I can't see myself marrying him. Well, according to a handful of recent Facebook photos, it seems like he has finally moved on and started dating Caroline. She's been in and out of the picture with him for about as long as I have...in fact, I think he knew her even before he met me. The best way to describe Caroline is to say that she is the cutest, friendliest girl to ever stroll across BYU campus. As a guy, I'd date her. As a girl, I secretly wish we were best friends.
So I should be thrilled, right? I know I've moved on from him and I really do want for him to end up with an amazing girl. Then why do I feel a little tug on my heartstrings when I look at those pictures? 

 Situation C. I don't know if I was cut out for long-distance relationships. For most of the 8 months I've been in China, things have been great with Ammon. But recently I've just felt kind of blah about the whole thing. My schedule's a little different this term so we can't skype as often. We're down from skyping 3 times a week to 1, and now I find that even during our skype sessions I'm just not feeling "into it." I guess it could also be because of the complicated nature of our relationship; it's a relationship with a deadline. Ammon's mission papers are in, and even though I'm excited for him, it makes the whole dating situation feel a little weird. Usually when you date someone, you try to avoid thoughts like, Okay...so when I'm single again in 2 months, then what? But although he still sees our relationship lasting throughout the next two years and into eternity, my mind is more focused on the two-year gap I have ahead of me and wondering what will really happen.

Situation D. In all honesty, this might be a big reason why I've been feeling so "off" in my relationship with Ammon.
I met a guy.
Ironically, he has the same name as Ammon, but for the purposes of not being confusing I'll call this new guy Aaron.
A few weeks ago we had a big YSA conference [yes, we even have YSA conferences in China!] and I met Aaron. I was quickly reminded that I don't really know how to talk to cute American boys anymore and probably made an idiot of myself, but he didn't seem to mind. He was funny and attractive, he wasn't afraid to make a fool of himself during the dance that night, and he could sing (the whole reason we met in the first place was because the people in charge asked us to do a musical number together). Basically the Charmer's dream guy, right? The subject of relationships came up, and I told him about Ammon. I could sense that he backed off a little after that but even still, after the conference was over he told me that I should let him know if I ever visited his city because he'd love to see me again (he lives about 2 hours away from me). Did it feel good to flirt with someone for one night? Heavens, yes. I did feel a little guilty about it, but not as guilty as I feel three weeks later when I still can't stop thinking about him.
I've tried to get him off my mind. I've tried telling myself that we probably wouldn't work out anyway and chances are I won't see him again.
Well, guess what? That hasn't worked. I'm still thinking about him. I'm thinking about him more frequently than I should and wondering if it would be totally unfaithful to Ammon if I hopped on a train one day and let Aaron show me around his city like he offered.
***************************************************************

As you can see, the usually composed Charmer is a bit of a mess at the moment. I can't wait to watch general conference this weekend (our broadcast is a week behind here in Asia) because I don't doubt it will be exactly the type of enlightenment that I currently need.

But until then, any encouragement would be appreciated. I'm not sure that any of you have ever been in this particularly strange situation I've found myself in, but if you have, I obviously want to hear your advice.

That's all for now,
The Charmer

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Leave the younger men to the younger ladies.

4/02/2015 The Lady 0 Comments

Fret not ladies and gentlemen, for I have not forsaken you. I have had the best of intentions to be a consistent blogger this year, but good intentions be damned. Good intentions never lead to anything productive except for half-hearted apologies, so I will spare you the agony of both sorry explanation and apology. 

Yes, in 2014 The Younger Man and I decided a relationship between us would be impossible. Long distance and all that jazz. We had a teary-eyed goodbye before Christmas break and he kissed me square on the mouth in front of The Counselor...I regret nothing. We meant to spend New Year's together, but an unforeseeable snow made that impossible. Weeks later however, The Younger Man and I had another romantic rendezvous, during which time he promised I would hear from him often. Given the fact that we were basically calling and texting daily, I had no doubt such a thing would in fact happen. 

The new semester began and then radio silence...

I was perturbed but not distraught, and for Valentine's Day I was determined not to spend the weekend alone with my parents, so I packed my bags and headed to the Big City to be with my friends/former roommates. Naturally, there was an institute activity to attend for all poor Young Single Adults who are efficiently labeled "single." My friends and I got all gussied up, and The Younger Man's sister mentioned that her brother would be there. "Oh really?" I asked nonchalantly as I smeared on a layer of red lipstick. 

The activity was as average as most YSA activities are, and The Younger Man and I flirted overtly. It was not until the activity was coming to a close that I noticed a little blonde thing hanging about The Younger Man and his sister. I had merely dismissed her as a random, shy friend until The Younger Man made it a point to introduce her to me and then left the activity with her on his arm. 

Snubbed. 

Let it be known that occasional make-outs and flirtatious texting with hormonal young men do not a strong relationship make. But you probably already knew that. 

Con Amor, 
The Lady



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The Last Month was Spent with my Other Love

3/04/2015 The Charmer 0 Comments

You haven't heard much from me lately because I haven't been thinking much about dating/romance/love; rather, I've been 100% focused on one of my other loves....TRAVELLING!

China has this lovely holiday called "Spring Festival" which kind of encapsulates both the Chinese New Year and Lantern Festival. Basically, it means I got a month-long holiday for really no reason at all. Fabulous, right?

So, I've spent the last 4 weeks having the time of my life visiting Thailand, Malaysia, Hong Kong, and then a few of the more famous cities in China (Beijing, Xi'an, and Shanghai). Ironically enough, I actually made this long and invigorating trek around Asia with Mr. Director's cousins who just happen to live in my branch in China [the Mormon world is a small one].

As a result, I have lots of incredible stories about smashing coconuts as part of a huge Hindu festival in Malaysia, seeing a Muslim wedding, feeding a baby tiger, getting Elsa and Anna to dance with me at Disneyland Hong Kong, living solely off of $1 fruit smoothies in Thailand, interviewing for a TV show host job in Beijing, and eating more than enough (but never enough) Indian food....but I suppose this blog isn't necessarily the place for my travel log.

So, because I haven't thought up or penned anything witty or adviceable about relationships lately, I invite you to check out two fantastic blog posts that I happened to stumble upon this week. The first one is by Zack Oates. I've been an avid reader of his for a while now and this post is golden. Reading it helped lessen that exorbitant fear of marriage that I carry around.

The second is from the blog Whatsoever is Good, which I've only recently discovered and have also begun avidly following. I think I liked this post because I've been on both sides of the 5 things mentioned. I spent years in college trying to "always look good" and present "Better Fake Me" rather than just be my already charming enough self. But now I'm in a relationship where I usually do look pretty busted (aka "gross) whenever Ammon sees me because we have to Skype at weird times of the day. Our conversations ARE full of honest speaking our mind moments. And I probably even seem needy because I send him messages on wechat whenever he pops into my mind, which frequently occurs at 3:30 AM his time. And the lovely part is that I don't ever feel like I have to apologize for any of that.

So, my lovely readers, make some new blogger friends and check out their words of wisdom. And, if you get a chance, take a trip to Malaysia and make sure to spend a few days on the island of Penang.

xoxo,
the charmer

PS- Feel free to add the word "adviceable" to your dictionary. Shakespeare made up words too, you know.

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The Most Awkward Ask Out

2/16/2015 The Blue Stocking 1 Comments

Few moments in my life have left me speechless. Most, if not all, deal with me being accosted with another’s feelings. I don’t do feelings. At least I don’t react to them the way one should. I need time to process, to mull it over, to come up with a response. This fact was no truer than this last Sunday.  

I sat alone after Sacrament gathering up my books when I felt the presence of someone on my left and I turned to find Drew, Henry’s best friend and my home teacher. Precious is possibly the best description for Drew. He isn’t as date savvy as most and he often comes to me for advice on the ways to woo.

Drew often wore a look of nervous anxiety, but today he looked like his knees may buckle at any moment. The sight of him made me believe someone somewhere had died a horrific death involving sharp objects and a long fall.

Before I could ask anything, the terror in his eyes built up and spilled out of his mouth, “Blue, I have to ask you something or I will regret it for the rest of my life.” I began to realize that whatever was coming next would create more awkwardness then I was emotionally able to combat.

“Blue, I have to at least try to date you or I will never forgive myself.”

He continued to look into my soul confessing feelings I never realized existed. It was intense. Too intense. I am certain when (if) the day comes a man decides to propose it will be less intense than this moment.  My reaction will go down in Bluestocking history as my least coherent moment.

Blue: “um…um..um,”

6 seconds later.

Blue: “um…um…um.”

I’ve never felt so out of control as I did staring into the eyes of Drew as people passed around us. He could see this wasn’t going how he intended so he stood saying,“I want to take you out Friday and if I don’t hear from you before that I will understand,” and he was off.

That night I realized that I could not let this guy think that I was interested. I was past giving every guy a first date. Guys I don’t know, sure. Guys I know I’ll never like, no. And guys who confess their undying like for me, definitely not.

So I broke things off and Drew took it wellish. Though he did ask if I wanted him to get Grant to reassign him.  Yes Grant is the EQ Pres. I said absolutely not.

I feel like I kicked a puppy.


-The Bluestocking

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Choose Your Love

1/30/2015 The Lady 4 Comments

Like the girl that I am, I often permit myself moments of nostalgia. And listing. I like making lists. Perhaps I could call that one of my hobbies... But the point is, in reminiscing and listing I have come to the conclusion that I am not certain I know my own taste in men. Or if I even have a particular taste in men. I have dated all sorts. Tall. Short. Thin. Chubby. Educated. Uneducated. LDS. Non-LDS. Bookish. Military. Country. Theatrical. You name it. So what do I really like? 

I. Don't. Know. 

For a moment I was tempted to feel discouraged about my obvious lack of perspective about my own self. Did I really not know what sort of man I liked? But then it hit me: I like men. Plain and simple. I like men. I have liked every man I have dated. Obviously some more than others, but you get the picture. That's not to say that I cannot settle for one type and be happy with that type (at least I am hoping I can do that). All I am saying is that it feels nice to realize that I think I can be happy with almost any sort of man. Which brings me to the issue of falling in love with anyone. I read this article a couple weeks ago, and have been stewing over it ever since. The idea of it might be preposterous, but I also believe it to be preposterously logical. Read the questions. Can you imagine going on a date and asking someone how they felt about their relationship with their mother or if they had a hunch about how they were going to die and they were not weirded out and were in fact completely honest and open about it? If you could talk with someone about real things, not just majors and missions and hometowns, but life's real things. Sometimes you get to that point with someone where you can talk about those real things. Other times it's like pulling teeth. 

The thing is that it's hard to be vulnerable to another person. It's hard to open up to another human being and say, "I secretly want to be a famous author." Or, "I wish my family was closer than they currently are." It's hard to be real. It's hard to be real because we call it "the dating game." And we're told that we can't take games too seriously because they're just games. 

But it is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman must be in want of a husband. And that requires falling in love, not games. 

Con Amor, 
The Lady 

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New Year's Eve

1/19/2015 The Blue Stocking 0 Comments

I’ll admit after breaking things off with James I thought I would be a lot happier. Maybe eat more and think less. Not true. Instead I went from never thinking of him while I was dating him to always thinking of him after I broke things off. How this is possible, I do not know. But now dreams of him were a nightly occurrence and daily urges to text him were a nightmare.

After Christmas, I was dreading New Year’s Eve which might including run-in’s with old flames. The night’s festivities included a YSA party sporting hundreds of singles trying to find “the one.” Upon arrival I found Calvin and we formed a group that included his friends and mine (The Lady included). Thirty minutes into the swing of things, The Lady and our other friend saw a guy behind me that they described as very attractive and perfect for me. I turned around to find James. The irony kills me. But there he was looking better than he’s ever looked. We didn’t speak of course, that would be sheer madness. Instead he walked away and I started to crumble.


 I decided that I should talk to him because why make things awkward. This goal was easier said than done, mostly because he’s become an expert at avoiding me. So the night was made up of close encounters and fleeting eye-contact. It ended with me talking to Calvin two yards away from James flirting with some girl. Yes I was stalking and yes she was pretty and yes I’m clearly not ok in the ol brain.

After some mild/spicy creepin, I danced into the New Year with my friends. Something I can’t say enough is how much I love my friends. I’m oddly grateful for my single years because it’s allowed me to surround myself with incredible relationships that I value more than anything else. So thank you husband for avoiding me in my early 20’s because I’m going to need these gals for weekend trips to NYC. Also, I needed more time to come to terms with the fact I will eventual have to grow and birth human beings.  

Now’s the time I take a look back on 2014. This year I traveled to different countries, I adventured with friends, I read life changing books, I spent an inordinate amount of time with my family, I laughed until I cried and cried until I laughed, and I dated…a lot. An exhausting amount to be honest, but it taught me so many things. Here are the most significant men from 2014 and what I learned from them.
  • Calvin: We were friends for months exchanging looks over dinner tables while I waited, not-so-patiently, for him to ask me out. Once alone I realized we had nothing to say to one another. Which leads me to this: opposites may attract, but what will they talk about?
  • Henry:  Henry was that guy that you just know you’ll be perfect with. Everything was laughter and jokes and adventures. Then I realized relationships are more than a façade of merriment. You actually have to talk about something that’s real instead of spending hours plotting a riot because your favorite cereal was taken off the shelves of Wal-Mart. I guess Henry really taught me that sometimes your ideal isn’t so ideal.
  • Sam: Sam got my mind off of Henry. Bless him. We spent weeks discussing literature and ideas until one day we decided we were ok with this not continuing. Sam taught me that dating someone who is more passionate about your passion is infuriating. Books are my thing buddy.
  • Grant: Grant was the guy I never saw coming. We were friends for a long time and one day he asked me out. I panicked for an even longer time until I realized that he’s possibly the best guy I’ve ever dated. Our time together wasn’t one great Nicholas Sparks moment after another; instead, it was just us talking on a different couch every night. Grant taught me that simple reality can be perfect.
  • James: I wanted things to work with James. He was handsome, smart, and (oddly enough) interested in knowing me. Our dates showed me that getting to know him would be a constant battle. One I didn’t have the strength or interest to take on. I learned from James that if you can’t connect, what’s the point?
It was quite the year and I'm excited/nervous to see what awaits in 2015. 

-The Bluestocking

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The thing about small towns.

1/16/2015 The Lady 1 Comments

I have been living at my parents' house for about five weeks, but now that Christmas and New Year's and all the family mayhem that comes with the holidays are over, I am finally settling into a routine. It is good to be home. I am back in my bedroom, I am playing my own piano, my mom is cooking me food. But you know, an anti-social Friday night with roommates is very different than an anti-social Friday night with your parents. I need some hobbies or something. Maybe knitting? 

I suspect the town could sense a disturbance once I crossed the town line. People are just coming out of the woodwork to find me love, telling me they have single nephews or cousins or brothers or sons or coworkers they have been dying to set me up with. Some of these men have children, some of these men currently have girlfriends, some of these men I am fairly certain are gay. Nevertheless, according to oh-so-caring former Young Women's leaders, mothers of friends, and other women I don't know that well, all of those are mere hurdles. 

I am none too worried though. Most people are just full of hot air or wishful thinking or whatever that is. But have you ever had people try to set you up on dates simply because you and one other person they know are single?

The Lady





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The Return of the James Part III

1/14/2015 The Blue Stocking 2 Comments

After we established we needed to see each other more, James and I kick things up a notch, but our conversations were still lacking. Each date was the same with no real progress in the getting-to-know-you department. I was very open with my frustration by saying things like “I’m entertaining, but even I can’t maintain the conversation for the both of us. You HAVE to say something about yourself.” To which he said “you’re underestimating how entertaining you are,” and then change the subject.

I knew this couldn’t go on. Do I like him? Yes. Do I think this is a healthy relationship? No, no I do not.  

The week before Christmas he wanted to meet up before I left for home. I told him my frustrations and explained why I didn't think we should keep seeing each other. I was still at work, so this conversation was over text which I’ll admit was a big mistake.

Upon receiving my message, James sent a text saying he felt the same way and he wanted to fix things and perhaps make our situation more serious. I was not expecting this. In fact, I thought he would say “ok” and that would be that. While I sat trying to structure my next move, texts continued to stream in from James offering solutions. When I didn’t respond to those he began to call and leave voice messages telling me to please call him back.

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The normal thing would have been to answer the phone. I took the more theatrical approach and ditched the phone for some dramatic wondering and pondering in my office's parking lot. Finally I came back to my desk and listened to his last voicemail. It was a minute of him apologizing for possible offending me or pressuring me and he really just wanted to talk things over. I felt awful, so I bucked it up and called him.

I didn’t know what I was going to say and instead of over-thinking it I just told him exactly how I felt:
  • We took joking too far to a point where it was almost hurtful.
  • We never talked about anything important.
  • We were constantly misunderstanding each other.
  • We were closed off.
  • We weren’t comfortable with one another after a total of four months.
  • And I hesitated to make things serious when the more casual part had been so disconnected. 

He agreed that those were all valid points, but explained that it takes him a while to open up and he would, but needed more time. He continued to say he didn’t want me to feel this way and he knew we could make things better because “he really liked me.”. 

Cue gut-wrenching emotions. 

The conversation was honest and real. Something I had been craving from this relationship and yet it still wasn’t enough. Maybe it was more than my list of problems. Maybe I just knew we weren’t right for each other?

Which is what I told him. Ultimately, I felt like we weren’t a good fit.  


It was an agonizing 10 minutes. James took it wellish and I tried to avoid cliché sayings like “it’s not you, it’s me.” and “you’re a really great guy." Gag. No one deserves condescending platitudes.  

After we said our goodbyes I felt relief and then a whole lot of sadness. Dating is really getting to me. 

-The Bluestocking

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The Return of the James Part II

1/11/2015 The Blue Stocking 4 Comments

After our first “hang out” James was up to his antics once more. And that means ignoring me at church. And not in a oh-I-didn’t-see-you kind of way, but a we-made-eye-contact-and-he-left-the-room way. But once church was over he called me to talk for a couple of hours and hang out.

This is so dang weird. The more I know him the more I realize he is very shy. Veeeery shy. Which is shocking because he’s so handsome. I know I know, good looks are not a direct link to confidence, but it has been known to help.
                                                                                                                                 
The week of Thanksgiving we planned on a date for that Saturday. Everyday leading up to it James hinted at seeing each other sooner. I don’t have time for hints. If you want to see me, make it happen. I can’t explain why I’m so snarky about this. Probably because I know me and if a guy gives me the opportunity to bail I’ll take it. Chicken at heart people.

That Saturday we went book shopping and took a stroll around a lake. We talked and laughed and joked about throwing each other in the lake, but we never actually discussed anything significant. No, that would require divulging any information of importance and I was still not “trustworthy” enough for that. Finally, I just went off about how his not talking about himself made it hard for me to get to know him. He said that he wanted things to come up more organically and I was being controlling. I mistakenly asked him to further evaluate my personality and he said I also had the tendency to be manipulative.

There we have it folks, I’m controlling and manipulative.

And that’s when I told him to watch himself or he might end up stabbed and abandoned in a ditch somewhere. And yet, the date continued on. I can’t explain it. We were teasing, but were we? Is this healthy?

And more importantly, is it manipulative to try and get someone to tell you what their most embarrassing moment was?

The week that followed this date I didn’t know how to feel. In fact, no feelings were felt when I got home that night. I was empty. Which meant I would now avoid him until I figured out if this was something I wanted in my life.

That week James kept asking where I was and making tentative plans while I sidestepped them all. I’m pretty sure I broke him because he stopped texting me on Thursday. By Saturday I believed things were over and cautiously went to the Ward Christmas party. Initially we avoided each other, but towards the end of the night James did something shocking. He approached me in public. IN PUBLIC. This is what progress looks like. We talked for a couple minutes while the room around us was dissembled and readied for church the following Sunday.  

After our ward party I went to an even larger party which included hundreds of fellow singles. While there I spotted James in the crowd so I made room for him at my table. He walked up to me…and then walked by me. The rest of the night we kept passing each other and not one word was spoken. I was livid. LIVID.

Sunday was no different. For some reason this made me want to be around him more. How does that work? Is it true that we want what we don’t have and not having James for the weekend had driven me right back to him?

Sunday night James texted a classic text that has been sent and read since texting had come to be “we need to talk”.

So he called me to say he needed to spend more time with me or this would all be a waste of time. He had a point. I tended to let my schedule push him out of my daily plans. I added that he needed to acknowledge my existence in public. He agreed. With that convo over we continued chatting until we got into our next argument over Harry Potter and hiking. He refused to read the best series ever penned and I refused to risk my life stumbling up a mountain. We finally struck a bargain that if he agreed to make his life better I would put mine in his hands.


Our conversation went on for hours and even though it was devoid of substance it still was quite enjoyable.

-The Bluestocking

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Ringing in the new year with a little bit of love

1/07/2015 The Charmer 0 Comments

The Lady posted a summary of her year's love interests (and, might I add, it is quite the impressive list). I thought about doing the same, but as I reflected over my year I realized that there really weren't that many boys that made a dent in my love life this year. This is mainly because my year was made up of a whole lot of chunks in which I seemed to distance myself from dating situations.
January-March was spent on a mission. Obviously no dating there.
March- May was spent feeling awkward around guys and I literally found myself trying to run from them on occasion.
In June-August I was an EFY counselor. This was a deceiving time of life, since I actually thought that being surrounded by hundreds of excited, gospel-loving EFY RMs might have resulted in a little bit of summer lovin'. However, the truth is that working 24/7 and flying to a different state every weekend meant that in the little bit of spare time I did have, I was usually sleeping. Besides, even when I did find myself interested in someone I only ended up spending 1 or two weeks around him. Not a lot of time to cultivate those little sparks into something bigger.
From September-December I was in China. And despite the fact that in this country there are approximately 24 million unmarried men around my age, most of them don't speak the same language that I do. Thus there really aren't too many viable options for dating, 

However, mixed in amongst those dateless months were two very important weeks. One was the week before I left for China when I met a guy who impressed me more than any other guy I've ever met. The other was last week, when this same guy flew 5,000 miles to come and visit me when I came to the wonderful but also distressing realization that...well....I love him. 
Very much so.

For as long as I can remember, I have been afraid of marriage. I don't know if I could tell you exactly why, but I have definitely gone to many lengths and many excuses to avoid it at all costs. There's just something about that level of commitment and about putting that much trust in one person that kind of freaks me out. But last week as I spent time around Ammon, that fear of marriage started to slip away a little bit until it was just a tiny little speck of anxiety. And amazingly, I was okay with that. I realized that I would very happily marry this boy. In fact, I would even do it this year...that is, if he wasn't going on a mission. But he is, and that is wonderful, and even though there is a tiny selfish part of me that would like to say "umm maybe you can stay with me instead?" I am really excited for him.

So, I guess you could say Operation Boyfriend-in-China was a success. It was a blast and the time went by way too quickly. I have to confess that I was a little unsure at the beginning and it was a little on the awkward side (hey now, look at that layout of my year again....the majority of it has been spent being AWKWARD around boys and NOT dating them. What did you expect?). Luckily it only took me two days to get over it (poor Ammon) and then things were fabulous.

So. What now?

love,

the charmer

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