Much, Much Better

5/12/2015 The Charmer 1 Comments

I can never believe how quickly time passes. I always say that, so it seems like I would have gotten used to it by now...but I never do. In only five weeks, I'll be leaving China and I'll be back in the US (that is if the bank will stop blocking my credit cards every time I try to order my stinkin plane ticket from a Chinese website) ! Where did the entire school year go? I actually decided to extend my contract, so I will be coming back for the fall semester after a couple months of hopping around the US for weddings, EFY, etc.

My last post (which was a whole month ago, sorry 'bout that) may have left you worrying about my emotional state. I'm guessing that none of you worried for too long, since there weren't any anxious comments asking for updates, but if you did you needn't have. As always, I'm fine! I guess that post was just more of a vent session. I needed to tell someone how I was feeling, and as I explained, most of my friends are too busy being engaged or married to listen to my complain.

First off, Ammon has his mission call! In a month he'll be headed to the MTC and then onto Boston, MA. I think his call is absolutely perfect for him; I can totally picture him in Boston. I won't see him before he leaves but I think it's probably for the best. He doesn't need the distraction of being around me.

I've also decided that I'm not going to "wait" for him. I've always been opposed to waiting for missionaries, but if you hadn't noticed from my Ammon-themed posts I've been pretty smitten with him. In fact, things were going so well that I had decided yes, I was going to wait for him and continue to call him my boyfriend after he left.
And that was right about the time when I started feeling really conflicted about everything. It was shortly after that decision that I wrote my previous post where I admitted to being an emotional wreck.
Obviously something was wrong, right?

As the saying goes, I guess I was "blinded by love" and it took some counsel from someone older and wiser to help me realize it. One of my high school seminary teachers sensed something was up and wrote me a long email with encouragement about the situation. She included part of a letter that she had written to her missionary daughter after her daughter was "Dear Jane"d. With her permission, I've decided to share some of it with you.

Do you believe The Lord loves you? Do you believe that if you put forth your whole heart, might mind and strength 100% that The Lord will bless you so immeasurably with THE PERFECT companion upon your return, that you will weep with such great joy and so much humility for not trusting Him enough to begin with?!
Dad, Michael, and I all thought we were going to marry one person .... and it didn't work out and we are all SO glad because we found someone who truly was right for us instead. I have heard countless stories of this and guess what? They ALL have happy endings .... Not the ending one expected in the middle, but a much happier one.
You have great potential to be a FORCE for good in this life, and will be equally yoked to one who has EQUAL potential! And whom you will love more than you imagined you could.

Let it go and be free to reach your full potential!!!!

Forget yourself and get back to work =D

Finally, she concluded the letter by giving me the exact same advice I'd given to her daughter when she was considering waiting for a missionary: let Ammon go on his own unencumbered journey so that the Lord can work in both your life and his. If in the end, you're led back to Ammon, great. If not, this is a perfect opportunity for the Lord "to lead you to the perfect companion for you to reach your full potential in this life with."

Her letter was exactly what I needed and immediately afterwards I felt unburdened. I felt peaceful. Of course Ammon is amazing, but it was clear from the way I felt after receiving this advice that going into the next two years with an "on hold" or an "I'm taken" mentality is not what my Heavenly Father wants for me.

So, even though I still feel a little distant in my relationship with Ammon, I still feel lonely on occasion, and all of my friends (including my bestie) are still engaged or pregnant with their 2nd/3rd children, I feel a lot more peaceful about the future than I did a month ago. To be honest, I feel much, much better about everything. Trusting in the Lord has brought me this far (literally as far away as China) and I have absolute confidence that it will continue to bring me exactly where I need to be. Which hopefully includes a temple marriage in the semi-nearish future.

confidently and peacefully yours,

the charmer