On Valentine's Day.
I was a bit bitter last Valentine's Day if you will recall. Though I cannot reasonably apologize for my dislike of the day, I can assure you that this Valentine's Day was not as abundant in self-pity as the last. Perhaps it's a sign that I am beginning to grow into my own skin.
Somehow this Valentine's Day came and went without much notice on my part. The colors and flowers were much less repulsive than have been, and the sight of all-too-loving couples was much less disgusting than they have previously seemed. And possibly it was a great advantage to not be at school or work yesterday, thus successfully avoiding the lavish displays of affection that are to be seen on BYU's campus. Instead my Valentine's Day consisted of eating cupcakes with my roommates and giggling about our past loves, boyfriends, flings, horrible dates and what have you.
Then something about me came up. I thought I had escaped it, but I suppose it has become one of those labels that are difficult to escape. One of my roommates made a joke about me while swiping at frosting with her finger, something about being "the apartment flooze". To keep up the light-hearted mood of our small party, I laughed good-naturedly, but I felt heavier after that point. As if all the frothy sugar I had consumed had settled into a goopy mass in the pit of my stomach.
Maybe some reputations we never live down. People say to let the "past be the past" but do they really mean it? People also say to "live without regret" but I don't think they mean that either. I have regrets. Oh so many of them. And try as I may, I'm not allowed to forget it. It comes up again and again. It is in moments like last night when I was reminded of my reputation, in moments like the one where Mr. Cowboy searched me out, in moments when my sister speaks of Dex and his new little wife. I am reminded of the unhappiness I caused others and the unhappiness that I have brought upon myself.
When left alone to my own vices, I am comfortable in my skin. Happy even, with who I am and who I have become. On my own I am The Lady. But in the eyes of others, I am still The Coquette, flirtatious, flighty, and conniving. It is the perpetual mask I am to wear so that the shame is not forgotten. Though I thought myself safe from self-pity this Valentine's Day, I did not escape the shame. And I thought that maybe I was past all that, but now I realize that it is what has paralyzed me. It is what keeps me from speaking to The Boy Next Door or allowing a greater connection to grow between me and Clive. I do not fear recurring events, but rather the discovery of it all. I do no't trust others with my secrets, for they hold them over my head as though they are all there is to me.
I apologize for such a disappointing and depressing post, but you see, my anonymity is the only thing that keeps me safe. Maybe you judge me and maybe you don't, but at least you're judging her, The Lady, The Coquette, and not me.
Con Amor,
The Lady/Coquette
4 comments:
It makes me ache to read your post. I believe with all my heart that people can change, and I don't think it's right to continue holding them to what they used to be like. That being said, it is often quite difficult to shake a first impression, and I'm sure your roommate didn't mean to hurt you. If it makes you feel better, I think it's much easier to accept someone's past mistakes if you know and like them as they are now. Don't be afraid to get close to someone new because your past may come up. If they are worth your time, they will be able to accept that you've changed yourself and have no intention of returning to earlier habits, and they will admire you all the more for your effort.
We all have pasts (or pasta, as my auto word filler inner would have me say). They contribute to who we are. I can't say for certain because of all this anonymous stuff of course ;), but you have every right to love who you've become. You are, after all, The Lady. You've reformed. I was talking with my dad tonight and he was telling me stories, as he often does, to make some very important points. This particular one was about choices and consequences. Well, I guess I don't really need to put that all on here cuz it'd get super long super fast, but there are some things you need to know. 1. Anonymous or not, you are awesome. The person you are comfortable being now is amazing, and deserves to not be hidden/anonymous/paralyzed. 2. The person you want to end up with will love you completely and even appreciate your past and how far you've come. Anyone else is simply unworthy of your time and unworthy of who you have become (and are! You're not who you were, you are who you are!). 3. Your dad is awesome. You said so yourself. And maybe that's not something you were expecting me to list here, but it is relevant. 4. Your sister sounds like the flooz. Just saying.
Don't be afraid to own all of you. Look what you became! Even after all that! And not to make light of your past, but it's hardly anything compared to LOTS of us. Put those thoughts to rest and know that you are so loved--by your readers for sure, but probably anyone who knows you. Go watch some Friends or something and laugh. ;)
I read a talk recently where someone said, "a leopard can't change its spots" and the person replied, "that's good because I work with men and they change everyday." Also in a Sunday school class I taught today we talked about faith and the power of the atonement, and that if we have faith in it our sins are forgiven and the pains that are inflicted on us will be comforted and both will bring peace and healing to our lives. So go forward with a steadfastness in Christ knowing that there is joy and happiness in your future and that all these experiences will be for your benefit for the Lord has decended below them all. You can and should put yourself out there so someone will have the ability to get to know you and fall madly in love with you, and you will both may have a life filled with the blessings only two people can have filled with challenges and the happiness that come from overcoming them. As Mark Twain said, "A man who has good times and lives to see good times again knows their true value. My you see good times again in the near future.
Mr. Bennett
In my humble opinion, you really don't have anything to worry about. You'll find some boy who knows nothing about your coquettish past, and he'll fall in love with the Lady. He won't even care about your past; boys rarely do. Even if you tell him all about it, it won't matter. He'll believe you changed because he'll want to believe it. Just speaking from what I have observed.
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