Choose Your Love

1/30/2015 The Lady 4 Comments

Like the girl that I am, I often permit myself moments of nostalgia. And listing. I like making lists. Perhaps I could call that one of my hobbies... But the point is, in reminiscing and listing I have come to the conclusion that I am not certain I know my own taste in men. Or if I even have a particular taste in men. I have dated all sorts. Tall. Short. Thin. Chubby. Educated. Uneducated. LDS. Non-LDS. Bookish. Military. Country. Theatrical. You name it. So what do I really like?

I. Don't. Know.

For a moment I was tempted to feel discouraged about my obvious lack of perspective about my own self. Did I really not know what sort of man I liked? But then it hit me: I like men. Plain and simple. I like men. I have liked every man I have dated. Obviously some more than others, but you get the picture. That's not to say that I cannot settle for one type and be happy with that type (at least I am hoping I can do that). All I am saying is that it feels nice to realize that I think I can be happy with almost any sort of man. Which brings me to the issue of falling in love with anyone. I read this article a couple weeks ago, and have been stewing over it ever since. The idea of it might be preposterous, but I also believe it to be preposterously logical. Read the questions. Can you imagine going on a date and asking someone how they felt about their relationship with their mother or if they had a hunch about how they were going to die and they were not weirded out and were in fact completely honest and open about it? If you could talk with someone about real things, not just majors and missions and hometowns, but life's real things. Sometimes you get to that point with someone where you can talk about those real things. Other times it's like pulling teeth.

The thing is that it's hard to be vulnerable to another person. It's hard to open up to another human being and say, "I secretly want to be a famous author." Or, "I wish my family was closer than they currently are." It's hard to be real. It's hard to be real because we call it "the dating game." And we're told that we can't take games too seriously because they're just games.

But it is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman must be in want of a husband. And that requires falling in love, not games.

Con Amor,

The Lady

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New Year's Eve

1/19/2015 The Blue Stocking 0 Comments

I’ll admit after breaking things off with James I thought I would be a lot happier. Maybe eat more and think less. Not true. Instead I went from never thinking of him while I was dating him to always thinking of him after I broke things off. How this is possible, I do not know. But now dreams of him were a nightly occurrence and daily urges to text him were a nightmare.

After Christmas, I was dreading New Year’s Eve which might including run-in’s with old flames. The night’s festivities included a YSA party sporting hundreds of singles trying to find “the one.” Upon arrival I found Calvin and we formed a group that included his friends and mine (The Lady included). Thirty minutes into the swing of things, The Lady and our other friend saw a guy behind me that they described as very attractive and perfect for me. I turned around to find James. The irony kills me. But there he was looking better than he’s ever looked. We didn’t speak of course, that would be sheer madness. Instead he walked away and I started to crumble.

I decided that I should talk to him because why make things awkward. This goal was easier said than done, mostly because he’s become an expert at avoiding me. So the night was made up of close encounters and fleeting eye-contact. It ended with me talking to Calvin two yards away from James flirting with some girl. Yes I was stalking and yes she was pretty and yes I’m clearly not ok in the ol brain.

After some mild/spicy creepin, I danced into the New Year with my friends. Something I can’t say enough is how much I love my friends. I’m oddly grateful for my single years because it’s allowed me to surround myself with incredible relationships that I value more than anything else. So thank you husband for avoiding me in my early 20’s because I’m going to need these gals for weekend trips to NYC. Also, I needed more time to come to terms with the fact I will eventual have to grow and birth human beings.

Now’s the time I take a look back on 2014. This year I traveled to different countries, I adventured with friends, I read life changing books, I spent an inordinate amount of time with my family, I laughed until I cried and cried until I laughed, and I dated…a lot. An exhausting amount to be honest, but it taught me so many things. Here are the most significant men from 2014 and what I learned from them.

Calvin: We were friends for months exchanging looks over dinner tables while I waited, not-so-patiently, for him to ask me out. Once alone I realized we had nothing to say to one another. Which leads me to this: opposites may attract, but what will they talk about?

Henry: Henry was that guy that you just know you’ll be perfect with. Everything was laughter and jokes and adventures. Then I realized relationships are more than a façade of merriment. You actually have to talk about something that’s real instead of spending hours plotting a riot because your favorite cereal was taken off the shelves of Wal-Mart. I guess Henry really taught me that sometimes your ideal isn’t so ideal.

Sam: Sam got my mind off of Henry. Bless him. We spent weeks discussing literature and ideas until one day we decided we were ok with this not continuing. Sam taught me that dating someone who is more passionate about your passion is infuriating. Books are my thing buddy.

Grant: Grant was the guy I never saw coming. We were friends for a long time and one day he asked me out. I panicked for an even longer time until I realized that he’s possibly the best guy I’ve ever dated. Our time together wasn’t one great Nicholas Sparks moment after another; instead, it was just us talking on a different couch every night. Grant taught me that simple reality can be perfect.

James: I wanted things to work with James. He was handsome, smart, and (oddly enough) interested in knowing me. Our dates showed me that getting to know him would be a constant battle. One I didn’t have the strength or interest to take on. I learned from James that if you can’t connect, what’s the point?

It was quite the year and I'm excited/nervous to see what awaits in 2015.

-The Bluestocking

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The thing about small towns.

1/16/2015 The Lady 1 Comments

I have been living at my parents' house for about five weeks, but now that Christmas and New Year's and all the family mayhem that comes with the holidays are over, I am finally settling into a routine. It is good to be home. I am back in my bedroom, I am playing my own piano, my mom is cooking me food. But you know, an anti-social Friday night with roommates is very different than an anti-social Friday night with your parents. I need some hobbies or something. Maybe knitting?

I suspect the town could sense a disturbance once I crossed the town line. People are just coming out of the woodwork to find me love, telling me they have single nephews or cousins or brothers or sons or coworkers they have been dying to set me up with. Some of these men have children, some of these men currently have girlfriends, some of these men I am fairly certain are gay. Nevertheless, according to oh-so-caring former Young Women's leaders, mothers of friends, and other women I don't know that well, all of those are mere hurdles.

I am none too worried though. Most people are just full of hot air or wishful thinking or whatever that is. But have you ever had people try to set you up on dates simply because you and one other person they know are single?

The Lady

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The Return of the James Part III

1/14/2015 The Blue Stocking 2 Comments

After we established we needed to see each other more, James and I kick things up a notch, but our conversations were still lacking. Each date was the same with no real progress in the getting-to-know-you department. I was very open with my frustration by saying things like “I’m entertaining, but even I can’t maintain the conversation for the both of us. You HAVE to say something about yourself.” To which he said “you’re underestimating how entertaining you are,” and then change the subject.

I knew this couldn’t go on. Do I like him? Yes. Do I think this is a healthy relationship? No, no I do not.

The week before Christmas he wanted to meet up before I left for home. I told him my frustrations and explained why I didn't think we should keep seeing each other. I was still at work, so this conversation was over text which I’ll admit was a big mistake.

Upon receiving my message, James sent a text saying he felt the same way and he wanted to fix things and perhaps make our situation more serious. I was not expecting this. In fact, I thought he would say “ok” and that would be that. While I sat trying to structure my next move, texts continued to stream in from James offering solutions. When I didn’t respond to those he began to call and leave voice messages telling me to please call him back.

The normal thing would have been to answer the phone. I took the more theatrical approach and ditched the phone for some dramatic wondering and pondering in my office's parking lot. Finally I came back to my desk and listened to his last voicemail. It was a minute of him apologizing for possible offending me or pressuring me and he really just wanted to talk things over. I felt awful, so I bucked it up and called him.

I didn’t know what I was going to say and instead of over-thinking it I just told him exactly how I felt:

We took joking too far to a point where it was almost hurtful.
We never talked about anything important.
We were constantly misunderstanding each other.
We were closed off.
We weren’t comfortable with one another after a total of four months.
And I hesitated to make things serious when the more casual part had been so disconnected.

He agreed that those were all valid points, but explained that it takes him a while to open up and he would, but needed more time. He continued to say he didn’t want me to feel this way and he knew we could make things better because “he really liked me.”.

Cue gut-wrenching emotions.

The conversation was honest and real. Something I had been craving from this relationship and yet it still wasn’t enough. Maybe it was more than my list of problems. Maybe I just knew we weren’t right for each other?

Which is what I told him. Ultimately, I felt like we weren’t a good fit.

It was an agonizing 10 minutes. James took it wellish and I tried to avoid cliché sayings like “it’s not you, it’s me.” and “you’re a really great guy." Gag. No one deserves condescending platitudes.

After we said our goodbyes I felt relief and then a whole lot of sadness. Dating is really getting to me.

-The Bluestocking

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The Return of the James Part II

1/11/2015 The Blue Stocking 4 Comments

After our first “hang out” James was up to his antics once more. And that means ignoring me at church. And not in a oh-I-didn’t-see-you kind of way, but a we-made-eye-contact-and-he-left-the-room way. But once church was over he called me to talk for a couple of hours and hang out.

This is so dang weird. The more I know him the more I realize he is very shy. Veeeery shy. Which is shocking because he’s so handsome. I know I know, good looks are not a direct link to confidence, but it has been known to help.

The week of Thanksgiving we planned on a date for that Saturday. Everyday leading up to it James hinted at seeing each other sooner. I don’t have time for hints. If you want to see me, make it happen. I can’t explain why I’m so snarky about this. Probably because I know me and if a guy gives me the opportunity to bail I’ll take it. Chicken at heart people.

That Saturday we went book shopping and took a stroll around a lake. We talked and laughed and joked about throwing each other in the lake, but we never actually discussed anything significant. No, that would require divulging any information of importance and I was still not “trustworthy” enough for that. Finally, I just went off about how his not talking about himself made it hard for me to get to know him. He said that he wanted things to come up more organically and I was being controlling. I mistakenly asked him to further evaluate my personality and he said I also had the tendency to be manipulative.

There we have it folks, I’m controlling and manipulative.

And that’s when I told him to watch himself or he might end up stabbed and abandoned in a ditch somewhere. And yet, the date continued on. I can’t explain it. We were teasing, but were we? Is this healthy?

And more importantly, is it manipulative to try and get someone to tell you what their most embarrassing moment was?

The week that followed this date I didn’t know how to feel. In fact, no feelings were felt when I got home that night. I was empty. Which meant I would now avoid him until I figured out if this was something I wanted in my life.

That week James kept asking where I was and making tentative plans while I sidestepped them all. I’m pretty sure I broke him because he stopped texting me on Thursday. By Saturday I believed things were over and cautiously went to the Ward Christmas party. Initially we avoided each other, but towards the end of the night James did something shocking. He approached me in public. IN PUBLIC. This is what progress looks like. We talked for a couple minutes while the room around us was dissembled and readied for church the following Sunday.

After our ward party I went to an even larger party which included hundreds of fellow singles. While there I spotted James in the crowd so I made room for him at my table. He walked up to me…and then walked by me. The rest of the night we kept passing each other and not one word was spoken. I was livid. LIVID.

Sunday was no different. For some reason this made me want to be around him more. How does that work? Is it true that we want what we don’t have and not having James for the weekend had driven me right back to him?

Sunday night James texted a classic text that has been sent and read since texting had come to be “we need to talk”.

So he called me to say he needed to spend more time with me or this would all be a waste of time. He had a point. I tended to let my schedule push him out of my daily plans. I added that he needed to acknowledge my existence in public. He agreed. With that convo over we continued chatting until we got into our next argument over Harry Potter and hiking. He refused to read the best series ever penned and I refused to risk my life stumbling up a mountain. We finally struck a bargain that if he agreed to make his life better I would put mine in his hands.

Our conversation went on for hours and even though it was devoid of substance it still was quite enjoyable.

-The Bluestocking