A Change in Me

10/18/2015 The Charmer 2 Comments


Whoever said there were no stupid questions was clearly not a 25-year-old unmarried Mormon woman.

"So, why aren't you married?"
"Why isn't an attractive, intelligent girl like you married yet?"
"You made it four years at BYU and you didn't get married? How did you manage that?"

 No matter how it's phrased, I think it's a stupid question. It's also rather insensitive. If you ask one of us this question, you're bound to receive nothing but a reproachful look in response along with a fake laugh.. The truth is, most of us "attractive, intelligent" unmarried gals don't have an answer to the question. If we did, we'd be married. Duh.

For me, though, the answer is that I just never really wanted to be married. That might come as a shock to anyone who has perused my Pinterest boards. But for all my talk of dating and my love of weddings, I seem to lack the desire to actually get married. I considered it a few times at BYU but my list of cons always seemed to outweigh my list of pros. (Yes, I literally wrote a list at the suggestion of one of my bishops. As I recall, the list had maybe 3 pros and 15+ cons.) Frankly, if I didn't have the eternal perspective and understanding that comes from the restored gospel, I'm not sure I would even pursue marriage.

Sounds about right.

But I do have an eternal perspective. And I know that marriage is important. For the last few years I've been trying to come to terms with it and allow myself to be open to the possibility of getting married. Asking the Lord to change my heart towards marriage and men in general is one of those things I have to pray for frequently.

Recently, however, I've noticed a change in my desires--and I believe it's a positive one. I think I've finally gotten to the point where I am ready to take that step. I think that my eternal soul is seeking something lasting. After all, thus far everything in my life has been temporary. Schooling, jobs, my mission...I've gone into all of these things with an end in sight. In fact, the only permanent things in my life--my family and the gospel--are things that have always been there. I haven't ever started something that I expected to last forever.
I've had so many beginnings and endings in my life, and I think the eternal side of me is getting tired of that.

I love what President Uchtdorf said in April 2014 general conference:
In light of what we know about our eternal destiny, is it any wonder that whenever we face the bitter endings of life, they seem unacceptable to us? There seems to be something inside of us that resists endings.Why is this? Because we are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal beings, children of the Almighty God, whose name is Endless and who promises eternal blessings without number. Endings are not our destiny.
I am ready to begin something that will last, something that doesn't have an expiration date.
And so, with that in mind, I will be ending (wait, didn't I just say...oh never mind.) my job in China early next year and coming home with the intention to...well....try and get married? I guess? Yikes. It sounds weird to even type it. As much as I love it here and even though everyone (from students to supervisors to branch members) is trying to convince me to stay, I feel like this is the right step for me. It's a big step of trust for me. Even though I in no way have my life figured out when I get back in February, I'm trusting that things will line up for me.
Who knows? Maybe by the end of next year people won't have a reason to ask me, "So...why aren't you married?"
xoxo,
the charmer
ON A SIDENOTE....me leaving my position at the university means that they are looking for someone to replace me. There have been BYU-affiliated teachers here for the last 6 years and they would love to continue that trend. If you or someone you know has a degree and some teaching experience and would be interested in a paid opportunity to teach English in China, let me know! You can email me at xoxo.the.charmer@gmail.com.  You could apply to come as soon as February or in August of next year. EDIT: Married couples are welcome to apply, too! I'm actually the first teacher in the string of BYU teachers here to be single. 

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"Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure."

10/10/2015 The Lady 5 Comments

I meant to keep you updated. I meant to tell you about the three lost months I spent in a long-distance relationship with a guy I saw a grand total of twice during that time. I meant to tell you about the weird time I very briefly dated a steroid-ridden weightlifter who was so very full of himself there was no room for me. But all those "meant-tos" and "should-haves" cease to have a place in my life. And I am so grateful for that. 

Here I often claim I am attempting to dodge the Willoughbys of this world, but the truth of the matter is that I often can't spot those characteristics until I am knee-deep and must escape with some force. That's the thing about Willoughbys, I suppose. 

But the good news is (and I am here to inform you of it) that there are good men in this world. There are Darcy, Knightley, and Wentworth types. They really do exist. 

My dear friends of the past four years, my time with you is now coming to an end. In true Austen-heroine fashion, I am ending the documentation of my dating life with a marriage. It still looks so strange on the page. I am getting married, I am getting married, I am getting married. How can this be real? 

Let me tell you, it was not what I was expecting; he was not what I was expecting. I cannot succinctly describe the past several months in any entertaining way. I cannot express my gratitude and my hope for the future. I do not know if I ought to cry or jump about in girlish giggles, so I actually just do both. 

He is the best person for me. He is so much of what I need in my life, and I fell in love first with his kindness. His kindness keeps me from freaking out (too much), and it keeps me from wanting to run away. I thought I knew what I wanted, I thought I wanted fireworks and healthy debates and sarcastic humor, British accents, and tweed jackets or something. But those things aren't for me. Not anymore. All I needed was someone to be kind to me, to look at me in that way, to treat me like I am their entire world, to be treated as though I am both more than and enough and perfectly able to become better. Encouraged, cherished, supported, loved.  

It is all so unlike a Jane Austen novel. It's better than a Jane Austen novel. Simply because it's real. 

Con amor for the last time, 
The Coquette/The Lady  

P.S. I cannot thank you all (and the other Anti-Austens) enough for the love and support over the years. Writing for this blog has been my joy and my honor. All the best to you, and all my love.  

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