The great “friends” debate: A guest post

12/27/2011 The Anti-Austen 8 Comments

There is an innocent-seeming video lurking somewhere in the depths of the cyber world. I first found it when about 57 of my friends linked it to their Facebook accounts. Since this video has gone viral among the BYU community, received over 4 million hits on YouTube, and since been parodied by Stephen Jones (which, let’s face it, is the only real way of knowing if a video is a true hit or not), I’m assuming y’all have seen it.

For those who actually stuck to their books during finals week and somehow missed this insightful commentary about the lives and loves of Utah’s young adults, here’s the video below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA&feature=related

At risk of sounding too much like a stereotypical girl, I must admit that I watched this video and came out of it full of righteous indignation. Of course men and women can be friends! Why, just this semester I met a lovely boy named Michael Vaughn (yes, named after the Alias character, because he embodies all the character’s wonderful qualities as well as a fair chunk of his good looks). Mr. Vaughn and I spent, oh, about an hour hanging out at the start of semester, discovered several quirks we both happened to share, and promptly fell in love…with the idea of being each other’s best friend. And yes, we really are just friends. He bemoans the fact that he’s too shy to tell his crush how he feels. I suggest that he invites his charming and mysterious friend, Mr. List, around to do stuff with us so I can get to know him better (read: creep on him from across the apartment while sending him telepathic signals that he and I should in fact become an item soon. Le sigh. I really should stop even trying to deny my creeper tendencies). Essentially, when we met each other, we both really needed a best friend—a safe harbor, if you will—and it was wonderful to find someone else in that situation who was able to be exactly what we needed at exactly the right time.

I suppose I can’t really answer the question regarding “Would we be an item if I’d let him,” because in an attempt to keep both my anonymity and my dignity intact, Mr. Vaughn doesn’t at this point know that I’m guest posting for this blog. While I can’t speak for him, there are several reasons why he would likely conclude that a relationship would not work between us (age differences, lifestyle differences, and the fact that we would likely kill each other within a week due to constant bickering over the correct furnace temperature, to name just a few). Because I’m the author of this blog, I get to claim that he wouldn’t choose to be an item even if I would let him, and that he is my friend purely because he enjoys my company, not because there’s anything in it for him.

Armed with this irrefutable argument, I jumped right into the online debate that was consuming the attention of many of my friends (or friends and boys-who-happen-to-exist-in-my-life-because-they’d-date-me-if-I’d-let-them, depending on which side of the line you happen to fall on).

The first name on my chat list to catch my attention was Not-A-Date. Not-A-Date is an amazing fellow, very amiable, thoughtful to those around him, attractive, and just an all-round good guy. He receives his moniker due to the fact that, despite his many good qualities, he often forgets the Three P’s of dating (“planned ahead, paid for, and paired off,” as chanted by an army of young women girls and, on occasion, Dallin H. Oaks). At any rate, Not-A-Date has plenty of excellent opinions about dating, and I knew he’d be up for a good debate.

Ingenue: Not-A-Date! Have you seen that men-and-women-can’t-be-friends vid yet?

Not-A-Date: Haha yeah! Classic stuff right? It’s so true.

Ingenue: Actually, I couldn’t disagree more.

Not-A-Date: AHAHAHA. That’s because you’re a girl.

Ingenue: No, really. I mean, look at us. We’re friends, right? And that’s all we’ve ever been, right?

Not-A-Date: No way. We fail the test because we’ve been on a date.

Wait… what??

Ingenue: … We have?

Not-A-Date: Yeah… remember that time we saw each other at the basketball game? We sat next to each other, we talked, we flirted…

No, Not-A-Date, we really, really didn’t. My group sitting adjacent to your group at the game does not constitute a date.

Ingenue: Oh. Uhh… that wasn’t really a date, Not-A-Date…

Not-A-Date: Well, but I thought you were cute. And I would have held your hand if you’d let me. So we’re totally an example of why guys and girls can’t be friends!

Oookay. So maybe Not-A-Date wasn’t the best person to broach the subject with. I'm stubborn, so I nevertheless persisted. His view, which emerged after several minutes of conversation, was that if a guy and girl even considered the other as a potential dating partner, at any point during the course of their relationship, then they weren’t “just friends” and could thenceforth never be considered as such.

Well, if you’re going by this argument, I think he has a point. It’s only human nature to size someone up as a potential dating partner when you meet them. But what if you come to the conclusion “It’s never going to happen” in a very short period of time (like, say, 0.0045 seconds), and then go on to have a fun, fulfilling, and highly enjoyablefriendship (yes, I went there) for many years afterwards? Does the fact that you even considered them preclude you from being friends? And what about friendships with engaged or married people? I have met several lovely gentlemen who were engaged or married at the point of meeting. In some cases, while I have met the wife or fiancée, she does not figure largely in my friendship with the man (for example, if I am friends with him at work), so it’s not a friendship between me and a couple. And what about friendships with individuals who are much older or younger than yourself, with whom you would never consider a relationship? Are they impossible? Are the opinions expressed on this video purely those of young Utah-based single adult men thinking only about one facet of their lives and ignoring the relationships that exist in other areas?

Personally, I choose to have a little more faith in men than that (potentially highly edited) video chooses to show. I believe that men and women are absolutely capable of being friends and caring, honestly and truly, about the other person without any thought to “What can I possibly get out of this relationship?” While obviously relationships can and should develop out of friendships (*sends telepathic hints furiously in the direction of Mr. List*), I don’t think that’s necessarily what all friendships are predicated upon. And if it is… perhaps we should start focusing on caring about the individual rather than what they could potentially do for us. Seeing them as a child of God instead of just a potential trophy wife or husband. Because, even though LDS culture is so marriage-focused, isn’t the pure love of Christ really what it’s all about?

Well, I’ve opened the gauntlet. Feel free to post your thoughts and impressions about the video below, and we’ll all have a fantastic debate. Meanwhile, I’m off to go make lava cakes with my friend Mr. Vaughn. If he unexpectedly takes me in his arms and declares his undying love for me ‘midst the mixing bowls and preheating oven, I hereby promise to eat all my words and invite y’all to the subsequent wedding.

The Ingenue

Every young lady may feel for my heroine in this critical moment, for every young lady has at some time or other known the same agitation.

12/26/2011 The Blue Stocking 6 Comments

It’s Christmas time! So its home for the holidays, which means you are now surrounded by people who think it’s acceptable to ask you personal questions about your dating life simply because they knew you when you wore diapers. Swell, isn't it.

It’s not that the questions necessarily bother me…o wait they do ha ha.

The thing that’s really annoying about them is I have no answers for these inquisitive people. I don’t know why I don’t have a guy, I can’t pinpoint the reason I dated a tool {so named by my family}, and I have no idea how I've lived without a ring all these years at BYU.

A couple of days ago I was chatting with one of my really good guy friends. And we started talking about how obnoxious these questions are becoming. I told my friend that the biggest problem is I really don’t know what to say when they ask why I don’t have a boyfriend and that’s when he gave me this brilliant answer.

Just tell them you do, it’s easier. Say, “he has a trust fund like you wouldn’t believe. Of course he is handsome and intelligent and spiritual as well. He would be here right now, but he is finishing up a medical mission in Africa to get his application ready for John Hopkins medical school. He should be ok getting in though because his dad just built a wing on their hospital for poor children with cancer. We are incredibly in love.” That should take care of it.

Brilliant!

Then I asked him what I would do when I couldn’t produce this prince charming, this was his response.

"He died in a fiery plane crash over Bangladesh when he was dropping off library books to poor children." Tragic, really.

And that is why we are such good friends.

Now I have my fabulous and shady lie and I wish you the best in coming up with your own…unless you want to go for the more truthful route. Anyhoo, best wishes and Merry Christmas.

-The Blue Stocking

It's Christmas Eve!

12/24/2011 The Charmer 10 Comments

A classy poem from a classy lady so you may have a classy Christmas.

12/24/2011 The Lady 1 Comments

From a Guest Blogger who really is the bee's knees.

12/21/2011 The Anti-Austen 11 Comments

If any of you have ever worked in sales (top-notch sales lady at your service) you have likely heard the tip to always "assume the sale". Basically this means to assume that your potential customer wants what you are selling and is going to buy it. Whenever I am selling a product, 99% of the time, I know better than the potential customer does why they need/want this product, so it's my job to bring them to that same understanding. You can do the same thing with dating- you know why you are valuable much better than someone who just met you.

Raise your hand if you find it attractive when the guy or girl that you are crushing on is confident? *raises hand. I can't see you, but I know your hand is raised. You probably also added the caveat in your mind that they can't be arrogant, cocky, or conceited. Agreed- all of those attributes are quite unappealing. What I'm talking about is nothing excessive or annoying, it's simply understanding and believing in those things you have to offer.

Coming back to the sales analogies "No" is not something that you ever want to hear, and the same thing goes for dating- rejection has yet to make my list of favorite things. One of your most powerful tools is making yourself believe that no one wants to tell you no, and not making it easy for them to do so. This advice goes for both girls and guys.

Ladies- Keeping with the theme here, we are advertising ourselves (I'm not trying to be crass, but there are some real comparisons to be made here). One, we need to make sure and "advertise" for the kind of buyer that we want, and two, we need to believe that the buyer definitely wants to purchase alllll o' this *snaps fingers with some attitude. There have been times when I have been in potentially awkward situations with guys and repeated in my mind "be cool Closer, be cool, you are a cool person". I'm not lying here- it worked- my nervousness was eased and was able to be myself.

Gents- When you are asking a girl out, or getting her number, or any number of things that put you on the alter, believe that she wants to say yes, heck, she wants you to ask her. No girl wants to say yes and feel like she's throwing you a bone, she wants to feel like she just picked up some prime rib. If you believe that you are that prime rib, she will start to as well. Have you ever tried to convince someone that you can smell something, and eventually they can "smell" it to? (If you haven't you should, it's hilarious). The power of suggestion is a wonderful thing, and by simply believing something in your own mind and acting accordingly, you are suggesting that same thing to others. To give you a tangible example: After talking with a girl that you are interested in tell her "I would love to see you again, what are your plans for Friday?". Do you see what I did there? "No" is not an answer to the question. Also, she already knows that you when you are going to take her out, so there's none of anxious waiting for a phone call.

I could go on and on but I'm telling you that it all starts in your mind. Find a way to believe that you are the bee's knees and eventually others will believe it too.

Yours Truly,

The Closer

The Dangerous Game of Comparisons

12/16/2011 The Charmer 4 Comments

My question is about the comparison of relationships. To give a bit of context, The Childish Ex and I had one of those magical relationships that tend more to frequent the silver screens of Hollywood than the awkward marriage-bound streets of uptown Provo (unless, of course, your name is Shy Guy or Featherstone McGee). We were friends for several months before our relationship developed, which the GAs say is always the best way to do things, and we were both suddenly and unexpectedly surprised by the quality and depth of the feelings we developed for each other. The relationship was marked by a high degree of respect and caring for each other—we saved our first kiss until it meant “I love you,” not just “Oh hurrah, the DTR is over,” and it meant so much more to both of us because of that. We encouraged each other to prioritize school and family, we communicated and were honest with each other—the relationship essentially epitomized what I believe is necessary to have in a successful marriage.

For reasons I still can’t quite come to terms with, the relationship somehow disintegrated. The Childish Ex explained that, while absolutely nothing was wrong with the relationship, he wasn’t ready to get married and thought he needed more dating experience to know what he wanted. After reducing my heart to a pathetic pile of shattered shards, he promptly jumped into a relationship with the first girl who flirted with him.

Despite the awkwardness of this all, we still managed to keep up the contact—at first. I was still (futilely) hoping that, by dating someone else, he’d soon realize how much he had lost by breaking off our relationship and come crawling back (where, after sufficient grovelling on his behalf, I would accept his apology and we would promptly go scheduling a date at the Mt. Timp temple). Upon talking to him, though, I realized that this was not to be, as he wasn’t comparing his present situation with his past one at all. He said, “I’m in a different relationship now. It would be way too unfair to her to compare her and this relationship to what I had with you.”

This stopped me in my tracks at the time. While I am (mostly) over The Childish Ex by now, I am still of the completely opposite opinion. Is it unfair to compare people to each other? Maybe. But then how are we supposed to learn from our past experiences? All (dating) experience is supposed to be for our profit and learning, right? As a result of my relationship with The Childish Ex, I learned that there are boys out there who are smart and funny and righteous and caring AND—le gasp—interested in me. How then could I downgrade and settle for anything less than the quality of relationship that I had with him? Now, by “downgrade,” I don’t mean by a comparison of looks. The Childish Ex wasn’t the best-looking guy around by any means, and the best-looking guys aren’t usually my type. I think judging guys based on appearance or personal quirks is silly, and could easily lead to a girl missing out on some amazing guys. I’m talking settling for less in terms of personal standards and behavior within relationships (communication, trust, etc). I don’t think that, after being in a relationship like mine, I could ever go back to a guy who didn’t treat me with the same courtesy and respect that The Childish Ex did. But this obviously means that I’m comparing all guys at the get-go before I even accept a second date! (I’m one of those who believes that all guys should get a first date if they have the courage to ask you out). Is this sort of comparison unfair, or is it what I’m supposed to be doing because—well, what other lesson was I supposed to learn from that relationship? Anti-Austens and avid lurking readers, what say ye?!

The Ingenue

No man is offended by another man's admiration of the woman he loves; it is the woman only who can make it a torment.

12/14/2011 The Lady 10 Comments

Study Break

12/13/2011 The Charmer 5 Comments

The Roommate and other updates...

12/11/2011 The Blue Stocking 3 Comments

Updates!

*Library guy has yet to call….

*I set up a study group for this Monday that includes The Reader {insert slow clap here}.

And now on to the weekend....

It wouldn’t be Christmas at the Y without someone throwing an ugly sweater party. So Friday night I went and got my ugly on, and oddly enough I kind of dig ugly Christmas sweaters. In fact, I’m thinking of investing in some for future parties…. Anyhoo, that is hardly the point.

The point is Conner and I met up at said party and banter ensued. In our little convo, Conner expressed how sad he was that we weren’t able to walk to school together on our last day {I was running late}. He then tried to figure out our future schedules so our morning walks could once again be tradition. I thought this was sweet, but still it’s no date. I do belief it’s safe to say that we are just friends. And surprisingly enough I’m good with that. I think he’s fun, but like I mentioned in previous posts, we really don’t have a lot in common.

After this party, I had yet another party to tend to and at this one I got to be with SG. It was at this party that we entered into “I’m physically harming you, but you actually like it” territory.

Yes, hard core flirting was in the air.

The next night a group of my friends decided to go to the Salt Lake Temple to see the lights. Brilliant decision. Conner was there and we made casual chit chat, but he was being…well, awkward and strange and I realized something…he has a fantastic roommate. Fantastic.

Yes, isn't that a nice little twist...

During our tour through the lights, I decided that I would not put up with an awkward night with Conner. In this moment of realization, his attractive and witty roommate stepped into the picture and made my evening delightful. I had never before met said roommate, but I was utterly surprised. We spent the whole evening having brief conversation - when the night called for it - and by the end we were sharing dinner. I’m not saying its love- heck, I’m not even saying there will be a date in our future- I’m just saying it was a nice way to spend one’s Saturday night.

Well dear readers, here’s to the next week of finals. May all of us come out wiser and more equipped for the world…or at least have an awkward run-in with the ex in the library, that's my personal favorite.

Toujours,

The Blue Stocking

The post where Featherstone McGee gets a little bit blasphemous...

12/09/2011 The Anti-Austen 25 Comments

Dear Readers,

God is a sneaky, sneaky fellow. Now, before you assemble a lynch mob and have me tried for blasphemy, let me say that I make that statement with the utmost respect. Let me also say that I have a habit of using the word sneaky for a variety of things. In this case the meaning I wish to convey is clever. After all, God works in mysterious ways.

Now, at this point I’m guessing that some of you are saying to yourselves Featherstone, what in the world does this have to do with dating? Well, let me tell you.

By now you’ve probably learned that dating at BYU (and within the Mormon culture) is different. It’s unique. I’m guessing that many of you grew up in the same dating culture that I did, or at the very least one that was quite similar. Dates as we know them did not exist or were very rare. The common practice was as follows:

1. We start off with a large group of friends who hang out together quite frequently. Within this group there are many individuals. One is named Jack. Another is named Jill.

2. After getting to know everybody, Jack and Jill begin to realize that they have a slightly elevated interest in one another relative to their interest in the other members of the group. This begins the strange phenomenon known as feelings.

3. Upon contemplation of this interest Jack and Jill begin to spend more time together and feelings develop further.

4. Jack and Jill begin dating (which in this context is defined as the act of being in a romantic relationship) despite having only gone on few, if any, dates.

Does this sound familiar to you? A friend of mine from work grew up in the same dating environment in a completely different state. So I know I’m not the only one. There are at least two of us.

Now here we are at BYU. The dating scene is quite different. Dates are still dates, but dating has taken on two meanings, specifically 1) the act of going on several dates and 2) the act of being in a romantic relationship. Dates and the first meaning of dating play a significantly more important role in the overall process as the dating pool expands to, well, pretty much anybody without a ring on their finger. More options, more possibilities, with people you DON’T EVEN KNOW! It’s enough to make your head spin.

Now, if you’ve ever baked a marble and thrown it in ice cold water, you would know that such a drastic change can be enough to make the insides crack. Indeed, the pressures of dating can be difficult and can indeed cause us to crack. I’m sure that, at one point or another, most of you out there have felt the pressures weigh on you in the form of doubt, despair, hopelessness, sadness, frustration, or some other sad, negative emotion that can come as the result of an unsuccessful dating life. I know that I have. Such was the state I was in when I first discovered this blog.

Now let us shift gears as I begin to relate everything I have said back to the first paragraph (just in case you were wondering when/if that would even happen). I hate cats (no judging). Yet it was a video of a woman blubbering on about cats that brought me to the Anti-Austen. Why did I click the link found on Overheard @ BYU? I don’t know. I just did. Many of the actions that I have performed at the subtle inspiration of the Spirit have been things I have just done that I normally wouldn’t do. Before I knew it, I was writing on the Anti-Austen. A broken boy with too little experience and too much insight writing on a dating blog. Seriously?

As you likely know, a challenge was issued by the Charmer, a contest was held, and a date was procured. The Charmer has admitted in a previous post that her November challenge was indeed inspired. The rest of the details of this story are very personal to me – I hold them very dear to my heart and they are mine to keep. I will tell you that this broken boy is healing quite nicely.

Now, if you’ve ever baked a marble and thrown it in ice cold water, you would know that such a drastic change can be enough to make the insides crack. If you’ve ever seen one of these cracked marbles, you would also know that the cracks inside add a unique character to each and every one of them. Thus, each one is special. God is a sneaky, sneaky fellow. The challenges in our lives shape who we are as individuals and the solutions that help us overcome them are often not what we expect. Never would I have guessed that I could find what I have been searching for through a dating blog.

My dear readers, this message is for those of you who currently face challenges in dating. This message is for those of you whose hopes are dashed. This message is for those of you who find yourselves in need of brighter days. There is indeed hope out there and it will likely come in ways that you don’t expect, even in ways that you have yet to consider. Brighter days are in your future, so keep careful watch for them. I urge you to keep your eyes, your mind, and your heart open, because God may introduce them to you in the cleverest of ways – after all, He is a sneaky, sneaky fellow.

~Featherstone McGee

Grandmothers can hardly be trustworthy.

12/07/2011 The Anti-Austen 8 Comments

Stress is for Finals, not Dating

12/07/2011 The Anti-Austen 6 Comments

Hello, my name is Colonel Paisley. (Hello, Colonel Paisley.) And I have a problem.

I care too much about dating.

No, seriously. I've realized that I care way too much about relationships, how people view me, how I view people, and if I'll ever get married. It's mentally taxing and often overwhelming. I care too much; I don't let life happen naturally, as it should.

I'm overly self-conscious, which makes me question everything I do. I subconsciously [and often consciously] meet girls with the sole goal to see if we're compatible to date. With only a few girls have a sidestepped the dating zone into the much more friendly "we never dated and I'm glad; we're much better friends now" zone. But that's my problem: rarely am I friends with girls with whom I have not had a verbal or mental DTR -- "No, we're not going to date; we wouldn't work out."

I certainly don't mean to do this, but I often meet girls, decide whether or not they are interested in me, and if not, I cease major associations with them. I rarely allow time for simple casual friendships to develop, and if mutual interest develops, a relationship. Apparently my own mentality is "if they aren't interested in me now, they never will. Pay the clerk, move along."

I can't be the only person who thinks like this. [If I am, well... shoot.] Why do I do this? Why am I a crazy self-doubting neurotic dater?

I have so many female friends with whom relationships never worked, and I'm happy about that. Southern Belle from freshman year and I are still close friends [get engaged already, girl!]. The Photographress and I are good chums. Grounds Grl is one of my most favorite people of all time. At one point or another, I wanted to date these ladies, but we never did. Good.

I need to be better about having regular friends who are ladies. Friendships that develop for the sake of friendship, not necessarily for the sake of dating. Not that I’m against dating, but that shouldn’t be the only reason I meet people of the opposite sex.

I took one of our dear readers out for hot chocolate and conversation last night, and my neurotic side thinks that she might think that I’m obsessing and want to date her. I have no idea. I simply hope that she isn’t overanalyzing and worrying like I obviously am.

Dating is stressful, my friends. We all know this. I’m taking a vow to care less. Not to stop caring, of course, but I need to stop allowing dating to be the central goal of my life. It’s important, yes, but it shouldn’t be trumping everything that I do.

As my advice for this post [because I have at least one piece of dating advice each time I write], have friends of the opposite sex. Just to be friends. And hey, who knows, maybe it will evolve into a relationship in the future. But for now, just be friends. Be casual. Taaake thiiiings slooooowly.

And stop stressing about dating. Reserve all your stress for upcoming finals [good luck, everyone].

Cheers,

Colonel Paisley

Person Who is Frustrated With Dating

Prince Charming Syndrome

12/06/2011 The Charmer 11 Comments

But if you saw The Lizzie McGuire Movie, you know that she ended up with her best friend. And isn't that what we REALLY want?

(And that brings my total Lizzie McGuire references made on this blog to: 2)

I'm not saying that we should tear up the lists, throw romanticism to the wind, and settle for the first bum who comes along. But maybe we should stop looking for a "perfect" person and start looking for someone who shares the same standards, brings out the best in us, and with whom we can truly be ourselves . After all, as Elder Scott so eloquently put it,
"I suggest that you not ignore many possible candidates who are still developing these attributes, seeking the one who is perfected in them. You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you."

I'm definitely not perfect. So it's not fair of me to expect Mr. Dir (or anyone else, for that matter) to be perfect, either.

Still. It's hard to let go of the hope that my Prince Charming might ride in at any moment.

Ciao,
The Charmer