Dex is officially home. I am not planning on pouncing on him right away for fear of scaring away any good feelings towards me. I must do my best to be natural, calm, and perhaps even coy in regards to my true feelings. At this time there is a fine line between being entirely too hopeful and being too pessimistic. There is no reason for him to have any feelings left for me, at least not any that are kind. I have no reason to hope for anything beyond cold courtesy from him. And yet, I have never believed him to be the sort of person who so easily forgets. In the words of our beloved Jane, “A man does not recover from such a devotion of the heart to such a woman!--He ought not--he does not.” Not that I am "such a woman," but to Dex I once was. I like to believe that once upon a time, I was everything to him, that our dream {the wrap-around porch, the massive library, the numberless children} was everything to him. I sometimes wonder if it all was just in my head. Perhaps.
I have always been worried about a person such as myself getting married. How can I promise to be faithful to one person in both body and mind when every week a new man entertains my fancy? Although it may seem silly to you, it is a legitimate fear of mine. But it has become much less of a worry now. I always feared that I wouldn't be able to let go of all the men in my past {Mr. Cowboy, Mr. Tennis, The Best Friend, Mr. Rival, The Sergeant, etc.} and that I would always get attached to the new ones that stepped into my life. But I do not fear that now. Everyone has seemed to slip away. Even the men I was shamelessly flirting with last week seem so unimportant. I am simply disinterested. Dex takes up most of my thoughts, whether for good or ill. There is only him right now.
And if it doesn't work out, if it goes the way I imagine it will, I will be back in Provo with a new sense of self. My entire past will be behind me and officially put to rest. There will doubtless be a few tears shed on my part, a great feeling of hopelessness and fear as to what to do now, but I will never mourn as I did before. It will not undo me this time. And I will forgive. I will forgive him for every ounce of pain and trouble, and I will forgive Lucy for her stupidity and resentment. And Dex will go on being content as he always has been and will continue to be just as much a part of my family as I am {referring to his fondness of my sister, brothers and their families}. He can never be completely gone from my life, but I can accept that. He is an exceptional person and I have never met his equal in loyalty, ambition, humor, generosity, faithfulness, and kindness. He was once all I ever wanted, but it doesn't have to be that way. I chose to love him and I can choose to be out of love again.
But what if...
Con Amor,
The Lady
“[A]nd be the conclusion of the present suspense good or bad, her affection would be his for ever. Their union, she believed, could not divide her more from other men, than their final separation” -Persuasion
I hope things work out to make you happy. Pres. Benson said this "One good yardstick as to whether a person might be the right one for you is this: in her[or his] presence, do you think your noblest thoughts, do you aspire to your finest deeds, do you wish you were better than you are?"
ReplyDeleteAlso, once you are married, you have to stop worrying whether you chose the "right one". You did and you will make it work!
Oh Lady, here's hoping that the "what if" becomes everything you truly hope for. As I read I really do wonder if you are just trying to spare yourself from more heartbreak, which is totally understandable, but don't let it stop what may happen now. I cannot wait to hear what happens when you see him, and how you feel when you have to come back to Provo. I am definitely rooting for you both! :D
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other Anonymous. It's a risk, for sure, but it'd be worth it. Don't be too guarded. And don't think that a weekend trip will necessarily give you all the answers you need on this--it was years of a relationship and may take time to mend or figure out or whatever. I'm sure he's adjusting too, so that might make it even more complicating. Frustrating! But worth it, either way. You'll finally have closure, or you'll finally have him. You should ask him if he wants to be a librarian. ;)
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