The Anti-Austen

Oh, to win a date contest.

2012-02-24T14:39:00.004-07:00

The following tidbits are from Colonel Paisley and his lady of choice.

When I first applied to "Win a Date with Colonel Paisley" I was filled with the anticipation that only comes when you do something crazy. I mean I was pretty sure Colonel wasn't a rapist.... but only pretty sure. I had gotten a sense for his personality and thought that we were compatible so I hoped that he would see that in my answers to the questionnaire and pick me. Even so, when I won I jumped up and down like a crazy lady- I'm pretty sure I terrified my roommate.

He picked me up at the predetermined time of 5:23 and was extremely punctual. We went to dinner, which was very nice, and had a great conversation. We found that we had some friends in common and that our interests coincided very well. After our very nice dinner, we went to the show "The Merchant of Venice." Oh. My. Gosh. I'm a little bit of a theater nerd to begin with and this was just so much fun. Excellent choice, Jude. We got to sit on the floor which was basically the best thing ever. After the show he took me home. He was the perfect gentleman. He opened my doors, pulled my chair out for me, and best of all didn't turn it into a marathon date.

He asked me out again for the next weekend and we went to the planetarium. I'd never been to a planetarium before and I was pumped. We had a lot of fun playing with all the science stuff at the beginning and doing all of the kid stuff throughout. He discovered how creeped out I am by creepy crawlie creatures (really! Don't they give you the heebee-jeebees?) and tried to make me touch them. Afterwards we got a cupcake and he took me home. We ended up talking in my apartment until 1:30 (It was Friday. No Honor-Code-Breakage here!) . Yes, this was kind of a marathon date but that was okay because the conversation was flowing.

All in all, Colonel Paisley is every bit the gentleman that his posts make him out to be. He gets very (jokingly) offended if you don't let him open your door, and is always respectful. I am really grateful that I was able to meet him through this contest and all y'all should be jealous. And he's definitely NOT a rapist.

STATUS REPORT

__________________
NAME: JUDE PAISLEY
RANK: COLONEL

DATE OF BIRTH: 6/31/1988

CURRENT ADDRESS: Scruff McGruff, Chicago IL, 60652

It was discovered that on January 26, 2012 Colonel Jude Paisley had a secret rendezvous with the First Lady. President Harrison Ford instructed us to tail them at a discreet distance. They had delicious Thai food and then enjoyed a showing of The Merchant of Venice. They sat on the floor of the theatre but did not participate in the performance. No harm came to the First Lady. No marathon date was reported.

On February 3, 2012, Colonel Paisley took the First Lady to the planetarium in Salt Lake City. Bill Nye offered the statement, “Science rules.” The variety of activities was very enjoyable, and the First Lady appeared to be enjoying the colonel’s company. Upon returning to Provo, they ate at one of the colonel’s favorite restaurants, δρ ζπεεςϑςτξακς [encoded in Greek so as to protect his identity]. Date was borderline marathonical, but still acceptable.

President Harrison Ford determined that such rendezvous are unbefitting the First Lady, and Colonel Paisley was temporarily detained in military prison until such justification was provided.

CONCLUSIONS:

The First Lady is a charming and captivating woman.

Colonel Paisley and the First Lady are friends who enjoy spending time together.

The First Lady is in fact not married to President Harrison Ford, and thus she can do whatever she likes with whomever she chooses.

All charges of infidelity were dropped.

Colonel Paisley was released from military prison.

Anonymous

2012-02-23T22:43:00.002-07:00

Dear Friends and Readers,
I've been working for an hour attempting to create an appropriate enough introduction to this, but I cannot. I don't have the words. What is written below is from an anonymous male reader, and I think it's beautiful. I hope you do too.

Con Amor,
The Lady

Dear Wife-to-be,

I'm trying.

I'm trying to find you. I realize this is exactly what I should be doing, and I will admit it's taken me longer to get started than it should have, so I don't tell you this in some paltry attempt to impress - I just want you to know that I'm trying. Please don't give up on me - it sure would be disappointing if I found you right as you found someone else.

I don't know you yet, but I know this - you're out of my league. You are out of my league and I thank you for it. I wake up every morning with the intent of becoming a little bit better, doing a little bit more, so that, day by day, I can get closer to where you already are. Of course, your rate of improvement is greater than mine, so I'll never actually catch up, but that's okay - just know I'm trying.

Now let me just tell you - I'm crazy about you! You make me want to sing out loud and dance the night away, and those are two things I don't often have the desire to do. It's your hair, your eyes, and your smile..and it's much more than that - it's you.

There are so many things I want to tell you, so much I'd like to share, but it will just have to wait - I've got to find you first. There are a lot of things I don't know, but this one thing I have come to know all too well - I will never truly be home, until I find you.

And I want to go home.

I'm trying. Remember that, will you?

I Opened the Flood Gates

2012-02-22T18:18:00.001-07:00

Is it just me or is there no way to think about dating "a little bit"? I have had several periods of time in recent years where I make a conscious decision that I am not going to think about dating, and I'm able to sort of shut off that sector of my brain. Sensible decision making and peace of mind usually follow closely afterwards. Inevitably, I shortly decide that it is important for me to do my part in making dating happen, so I crack open the door to that section of my brain. Turns out, this is not a door that can merely be "cracked" open. There can only be two statuses of the door to the dating sector of my mind: sealed shut or flood gates open.

I am currently in the latter status. Just yesterday I got called boy crazy by a married coworker. I wanted to refute his claim, but upon reviewing the status of my brain, I had to concede that he was indeed correct.

I have slowly been creeping back up to that breaking point where I decide that I just can't take it anymore and need to shut that sector down. I am trying reallllly hard not to do that. Thinking about all of that caused me to come to a realization. Ready for this? It's pretty deep.

Single people love to talk about dating, and married people love to talk to single people about dating, in fact, I think just about everyone I talk to wants to talk about dating. And you know, that's fine, I won't complain about it. I'm practically an expert at talking about dating now, I think I have my 10,000 hours in. Where the problem arises is when I need to have conversation with a guy I like, and all of my best conversational material is about dating, and that's about the one situation that it is not acceptable in. Uh oh.

That being said, I have resolved to work on filling up my head with all kinds of other interesting and insightful and intelligent things to talk about. Can you say two birds with one stone? If I am successful, there is just no way that there will be room in my head for floods of thoughts about boys.

All this talk about not thinking about boys has me thinking about boys. So while we're on the subject... Mr. Perfect came up to me at institute, I didn't even have time to decide whether or not to talk to him first (win!). Happy McSmiles and I finally got to work together again and it was a lovely good time, followed by a Facebook friend request and all kinds of minimally exciting things like that. And lastly, turns out Captain Incredible is perfect for my roommate. Yeah, roommate, there was canoodling involved, and I am 98.4% okay with it, so that's big. Woo!

I may need to join The Lady soon with my own frenzy of five. That is, if my flooded little brain can take it!

Yours Truly,

The Closer

Pop Rocks, Kidnapping, and a Bit of Frank Sinatra

2012-02-21T22:03:00.006-07:00

Dang, the Monday schedule completely threw me off! I totally forgot that it was Tuesday and that I was supposed to be blogging today! I actually didn't even think about it until Mr. Director mentioned it (he was a bit disappointed). And then the LimeGreen Goddess asked about it. And then Colonel Paisley asked about it. Apparently everyone else in the world except me remembered that it was Tuesday, my posting day.

Whoops.

So because I love you, I am staying up past my 10:30/11:00 bedtime to tell you all about my Valentine's Day!

Well, if you didn't figure it out from that first paragraph, Mr. Director and I are on talking terms again. In fact, we're on MORE than talking terms. We're on kissing terms!

Hee.

Well, turns out the "Come Back Song" was a good omen after all. And I ended up having what was probably the BEST Valentine's Day of my life thus far!

I guess I'll just give you the quick version.

After a fabulous dinner at the Cannon with my brother, my roommate and I were busy decorating cupcakes for our visiting teachees and some boys in the ward. I noticed my roommate seemed oddly rushed, so I thought something might be up. Turns out I was RIGHT! After delivering the cupcakes, I was reading in my room when she yells out, "Charmer! You have GOT to see this!"

I shuffled into the living room to find her standing with a blanket in her hands. Before I could ask her what was up, she threw the blanket over my head and shoved me out the door...
...and right into Mr. Director's waiting arms.

He kidnapped me. And oh, I loved it. (Obviously.)

He didn't take the blanket off, so even though I was in his arms as he carried me out to his car I still couldn't see him. It was an odd but lovely experience. I also realized I'd forgotten what his voice sounded like, because he said things to me and I had a fleeting moment when I thought it might not be him. Now THAT would have been awkward.

Anyways, he took me back to his house where he'd decorated the study with strings of lights, had music playing, and had Martinelli's waiting.

You guys, let me just take the moment to point out how much I love all things cheesy romantic. And Mr. Director is totally NOT cheesy romantic. And so the fact that he was being cheesy romantic for me made my heart melt.

The rest of the evening was really nice, despite the fact that the initial moments were a little awkward. We chatted, we drank Martinelli's, we danced to wonderful old 1940s love songs (This was to make up for the fact that he did not take me to Big Band Night, since we'd been planning on going together), we started the second season of our favorite show, we kissed while eating Pop Rocks (they were part of a little valentine present I'd had delivered to him in his 8:00 class), and we probably did a lot of staring into each other's eyes. You know, gross stuff like that.

And after calling him up today and leaving a message on his phone in which I said, "So...are we dating or WHAT?! Because Jeff who lives next door to you just asked me on a date and it was awkward because I had to say, 'Well, Mr. Dir and I are sort of dating...'", we decided we'd be "official" again pretty soon.

So maybe I should have given Mr. Dir a little more credit for his break idea. I guess it ended up working after all! Apparently he only needed two weeks, but honestly, I can already see a difference. A good difference.

Well, that's my happy little story. Hopefully I restored your faith in love and men.

Dang. I like this kid.

Toodles,
The Charmer

"A Lady’s imagination is very rapid: it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment"

2012-02-19T18:39:00.003-07:00

Mr. BINGLEY ASKED ME OUT!

Can you believe it? Ok I have to say it again…

MR. BINGLEY ASKED ME OUT!

Is it weird that a part of me loves this fact so much because it proves I was right? That I knew he like me – even just a little bit—and I wasn’t just being a silly obsessed girl. I was right! HA {yes, that is a HA directed at the universe}

Okay now for the less prideful and more informative side to the story.

So I told you last week that we would be spending Valentine’s Day together, well here’s what happened. We had a party at our apartment and he was invited. I, being the prideful person who believes in testing how much guys like her, decided to sit and wait to see if he came to me. When he got to the party he was immediately swamped by girls, while I sat on the opposite side of the room looking nonchalant and whatnot. Then our eyes met, I smiled, and he came over and sat by me. Success! {never underestimate the importance of eye contact}

We talked for a while and then he was gone and the night was over.

On Wednesday I got a nasty cold and he offered to bring me over medicine; ya, he’s a nice guy. On Thursday, he checked up on me to see if I was feeling better. When I told him that I had almost reached full recovery, he asked me out.

Dinner and dessert: simple and perfect.

Dinner went splendidly. We talked and laughed and even discussed literature, in a non-nerdy way of course. And unlike my last date I wasn’t nervous at all. There were no jittery hands or an even jittery feeling; instead, it was a delightful calm and confident time. Then I came home and I did something completely out of character... I sent him an after the date text. You guys have no idea how opposed I am to this and one day I will post a crazy rant that I’ve spent years developing as to why I dislike it so much.

Anyways, the point is I texted him and we had a cute little chat.

Now I’m waiting to see what happens. Since he went home for the weekend, I haven’t seen him since the date and that means we still haven’t had the we-went-on-a-date-and-now-we-don’t-know-how-the-other-one-feels-about-me chat. So that should be interesting to say the least.

Thought I should warn you, this is the part where I screw things up. I tend to ignore, walk away, or behave in a manner that shakes every guy’s confidence in my feelings. Wish me luck.

Now it’s time for me to rationalize. A part of me is ok if we don’t go out again. After all, I can chalk this up to a wonderful date and we can go on being great friends. The irrational side of me is dying to go online and merge our faces to see how our future children will look…kidding, well kind of.

In the end, no matter what happens, a very interesting week lays ahead of me. I can’t wait to update you all on it.

Toujours

-The Blue Stocking

The more I know of the world, the more I am convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love.

2012-02-16T10:44:00.000-07:00

Since the deposition of Mr. Cowboy and Mr. Rival from The Frenzy of Five, two were quick to take their vacant places.

Now, my fine frenzy consists of:

1. The Doctor [Oh, how I loathe my love for him].
2. Perry Mason [A work in progress...still].
3. The Drive-By-Hugger [Eskimo kisses and all].
4. Clive [Great penmanship].
5. The Beanstalk [Not my usual, but nice].

Each and everyone of them is indeed a fine specimen. I enjoy their company, and they seem to enjoy mine (unless they are superb actors). However, the problem seems to be that I am the sort of girl that men like to flirt with, but whom no one really wants to ask out/date/marry. But perhaps that isn't even the case. None of these boys ask anyone out (with the exception of Perry Mason who is still frequently asking out his girlfriend....Ahem). On any given Friday night, The Drive-By-Hugger can be found watching Better Off Dead (or any such movie), his only companions a lonesome roommate and a fresh liter of Dr. Pepper. Clive can be found scribbling away in a journal, wishing he was back in Kensington Park. And The Beanstalk...the truth is I don't even know...Wow...In all my years, I have never had such a complacent frenzy...It's a good thing I have my weekly scheduled flirt session with Mr. Military to keep me busy.

Dear Husband-to-Be,
I don't know who you are, nor where you are, but sometimes I wish I did. Are you one of these schmoes who aren't asking me out, but who are ceaselessly flirting with me? If you are, I'm not sure I can fall in love with you right now. All I feel at the moment is complete and utter boredom.

"I have a girlfriend who recently came out of a relationship and decided to take a weekend trip to meet up with a guy. She was in need of a sorbet, she said. Something to cleanse the pallet. I said, if you're in need of a sorbet, I'm in need of some smelling salts. Something to bring me back to life.

So I've decided to go in search of them. Smelling salts, that is. Lots of them. In all different flavors. So that I'll be wide awake. All refreshed and lived in and back-to-life when I meet you.

Because I can't wait to meet you" (The Wild and Wily Ways of a Brunette Bombshell).

Con Amor,
Your Lady

Finding Success by Changing Your Definition

2012-02-15T18:34:00.001-07:00

The last time I posted I felt defeated and frustrated...

Well- can't hold me down! I have spent this week feeling totally empowered and self assured. Running into Mr. Perfect made me realize that if I am ever going to run into him again, I need to learn how to function like a normal person around him. It also made me realize that as much as I maybe wish there weren't, there are still some definite feelings of interest there, and I would be willing to keep that door open.

Those two realizations made me decide that I am going to be brave, but careful not to be hopeful about the wrong things. All of my most painful experiences with guys have seemed to come from my own self imposed expectations that didn't get fulfilled. That being said, I'm setting my expectations low, because success is motivating for me. Now enter my plan of action:

Step 1: Invite him to something as a friend. I invited Mr. Perfect over for a dessert night. I had never done that before, but figured it wouldn't be too odd because I had just run into him. I also invited about every person in my contact list so that he wouldn't think I did it just for him. And guess what? He came! We chatted for a few minutes, I made a point to look glad and excited that he'd come, but excused myself from the conversation soon enough to (hopefully) leave him wanting more and not seem clingy. He knew some of my friends and mingled with them while I greeted other guests that came, all the while looking social and cool and friendly. Success!

Step 2: Be brave at institute. He's in my stake now! I knew I would see him at institute and wanted to continue to be confident and smooth and friendly around him. I saw him after class and went up to say hello (I interrupted him talking to another girl, but hey, who wouldn't be stoked that I was cutting in? ha-ha). He gave me a hug and we chatted and bantered a bit, and he told me that he reads my blog (my non-anonymous one) so that was cool. Then I again excused myself after a few minutes and as I was leaving he told me to invite him the next time I have a get together. Success!

Step 3: This has yet to be determined. I'll be seeing him at institute again shortly, do I go up and say hi again? Let him come to me? Only say hi if I bump into him?

The mind of a woman is exhausting sometimes, isn't it?

There have also been some other fun and exciting things unfolding with Happy McSmiles and Captain Incredible. Who's Captain Incredible you ask? Only a man who could run up a mountain with me on his shoulders and maybe not even break a sweat. Oh, and a super good person, and he took me on a date last week, and this weekend I'm going on a trip he's organizing with a big group to go hiking and camping. No big deal.

I hope you don't die of anticipation in the meantime!

Yours Truly,

The Closer

A Charming Holiday

2012-02-14T16:54:00.005-07:00

I am just overflowing with excitement because today is one of my favorite holidays…

…IT’S VALENTINE’S DAY!

And I don’t care if it’s really just a Christianized Pagan fertility festival. I LOVE it! I, like the Blue Stocking, agree that the feeling of love in the air is infectious. I’ve always been a fan of Valentine’s Day. When I was younger, I loved getting to pick out the perfect card for each one of my classmates (usually from the boxes of valentines my mom had purchased at half-price the previous February 15^th). I loved having class parties. I loved trying to “read between the lines” to figure out if the cards that were sent to me by the boys in my class had any hidden connotations. I always just get so excited about this holiday! We actually have a picture of me from the 4^th grade opening my valentine cards with gloves on. The gloves were necessary in case I got any from secret admirers—I wouldn’t want my fingerprints smudging up their fingerprints, making it impossible to detect who they might be from. (One of my career ambitions as a 4^th grader was to be a spy, so I of course had a spy/detective kit that came with fingerprint powder.) I can still remember the first time I really got dressed up for Valentine’s Day—it was in the 5^th grade, and a boy named Elliott told me I looked nice. I think it was the first time a boy had ever said something like that to me, and I loved it (especially since I had a huge crush on him).

The past two years I actually spent Valentine’s Day with The Ex. Ironically enough, our anniversary (x2) was February 13^th. The first time we started dating, it was on February 13^th. Sevenish months later we broke up, but then started dating again on February 13^th. This year I’m single on Valentine’s Day, but I still love the holiday just as much. I still got all dressed up. I’m still eating boatloads of candy. I’m going to the Cannon Center later tonight with my brother. It’s a FABULOUS day!

Actually, I’ve been feeling fabulous for a while now! Despite the fact that I am disgustingly sick, I’ve been in such an elevated mood. The arc of my mood and my thought process in regards to Mr. Director during the first week looked like this:

Wednesday, Feb 1^st (the breakup day): A bit sad, but doing okay because I am feeling very much in love and confident that we will get back together!
Thursday, Feb 2^nd: Feeling great! I am madly in love and I KNOW that we will be getting back together!
Friday, Feb 3^rd: Starting to feel lonely and definitely missing him as I realize I don’t get to talk to him anymore.
Saturday, Feb 4^th: Starting to really miss him. By the end of the day, I start feeling irritated about the break.
Sunday, Feb 5^th: Irritation bordering on anger. I’m MAD about this break and what he’s putting me through. Feelings of bitterness manifest themselves.
Monday, Feb 6^th: Still feeling bitter and angry, mainly because I’m worried the break could turn permanent.
Tuesday, Feb 7^th: Starting off the day with a tad of irritation that calms down and smooths out over the course of the day. Blogging about it helped me to calm down a little bit. I start actually considering what he might be going through, especially after a well-placed comment on the blog makes me realize that maybe he’s not just living it up and enjoying the single life.

And that was only the first week! Gah! What a girl I am!
Anyways, that’s where you last found me. By Wednesday, I was feeling okay about things, but it was mainly due to a feeling of resignation. However, a week later, I’m doing great! Sure, it might have been because this grand holiday was approaching. But I also decided that I really just needed to trust Mr. Dir and stop worrying so much. If he thinks the break will help him, then I should just let him do his thing. His sister, The LimeGreen Goddess, suggested that I make a paper chain and add a chain every day with a reason why I love Mr. Dir just to get me thinking positively about all this. I of course took her suggestion, and I think it has been good for me.

My elevated mood is also probably due to the fact that I finally closed the door with The Ex—for real this time. He has played a key role in my moods and my actions for 2 years now, and I didn’t realize just how much I was still holding onto him. But on Friday night, I finally let him go. It was surprisingly hard. Afterwards, I went home and cried with my roommate. I really loved him, and I think that we both still had a piece of us that thought We might work out! Since Friday, though, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I really just feel free. I didn’t realize how much my relationship with him was holding me back. I feel very much at peace with my decision and I know it was the right thing to do. So ever since Friday night, despite the fact that I am coughing up a lung every 5 seconds, I have been in SUCH a giddy mood!

Well, I just want to wish all of you the happiest Valentine’s Day! If you don’t have plans, make some! Find something fun to do with your friends. Make a card for an unsuspecting neighbor. Take a break from writing that paper and make yourself some hot cocoa.

I love you all!! Thanks for your uplifting comments and your prayers.

Oh, and if your boy got you roses, don’t get mad at him for being “cliché.” Roses are actually one of my favorite flowers. (Although I do prefer pink or orange roses to red ones.)

Kisses,
The Charmer

PS- Today when I came in to work I had Valentine’s presents from TWO boys waiting for me! And one of them was from Mr. Dir! And in the included note, he told me to look up this song…
Could be a good sign, yes?

"One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other"

2012-02-13T15:17:00.002-07:00

In lieu of the Lady’s rant on Valentine’s Day, I feel like we need a different perspective….my perspective.

Now the following is not a dismissal of the Lady’s opinions; in fact, I see a lot of truth in them. I too would scoff at a generic flower that ultimately represents the fact that the fool holding it doesn’t know me well enough to find something I’ll actually love. But for the most part I take a less pessimistic view on this holiday...ok that's an understatement.

I love Valentines Day. I just do. I love the flowers, the chocolates, the holiday aisles. But more than anything, I love the giddiness in the air: it’s infectious.

Even the couples that speckle campus don’t annoy me like they usual do. Now they are examples that love exists. That out there, there are people who have found someone, and one day that will be me.

I may not be the most touchy feely person…I’m actually quite closed off, it’s a problem I should really focus more on… but I see the importance of this holiday. So I go all out. As of this moment I have already picked out a v-day outfit, bought my Valentines’ for the various people in my life, and started planning a night of fun for my friends.

I see Valentine ’s Day as more than just a day to be spent with a boy. I see it as a day dedicated to the people you love. What could possibly be bad about that?

I’ve heard all the arguments.

Cynics: I don’t have a significant other to spend it with.

Me: The way I see it is I’m going to be spending eternity with my significant other so having a couple of years to be with my family and friends doesn’t sound too shabby.

Cynics: It’s a commercialized holiday made so companies can make money.

Me: So? What’s wrong with commercialized holidays? I loved commercialized holidays. You spend money on your loved ones and in return they do the same for you. Win win.

Cynics: It’s basically Singles Awareness Day (S.A.D.)

Me: Ok, let’s not be pathetic. I don’t need a holiday to tell me that I’m single; my mother makes sure I’m very aware of it. The thing is I’m not sad about my life. I have amazing friends and family and I’m on my way to finding an eternal company.

In conclusion, this is a holiday dedicated to celebrating finding that special someone who completes you. It’s like the anti-ex-boyfriend holiday.

P.S. {get ready for a novel} Guy from wards name is Bingley. I know I know, it’s a bold statement to name a guy I just recently met after such an iconic character, but he’s too bingleylike to not name him it.

As of this moment we have been talking too much for too long to not be going on dates. Just last week one of our chats had us outside in the middle of the night, freezing! Finally, one of his roommate saw us physically shivering and brought us jackets so we could continue talking. It’s getting ridiculous.

And the most ridiculous thing of all is we will most likely be spending Valentine’s Day together. I’m excited and disappointed all at the same time.

-The Blue Stocking

If things are going untowardly one month, they are sure to mend the next.

2012-02-09T10:26:00.002-07:00

Hey Anti-Austen,
How does one convey the message to a certain... Mr. Collins that they do NOT want to be their Valentine... How does one stop said Mr. Collins from executing any elaborate plans that may culminate on Valentine's day? Please help!

Signed,
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
This is indeed a sticky situation. My life's Mr. Collins was lurking around just the other day attempting to ask me to a Valentine's Dance. I had to resort to being incredibly hostile. Once again using my old motto, "I hate dates." I just hope that none of the members of the Frenzy of Five were around to hear it. The horrible thing about Mr. Collinses is that they are incredibly hard to discourage. I think that Mr. Collins is convinced that I am severely depressed and may even be a cutter. I am sure he will attempt to rescue me from myself soon.

As I see the situation, you have several options:
1. Play the hostile card. (He may become worried and attempt to rescue you from your dire situation).
2. Leave town for Valentine's Day. (He may follow you).
3. Acquire a temporary boyfriend for the holiday. (He may challenge him to a duel).
4. Tell him you're a lesbian. (He may tell everyone in the ward).
5. Claim that something tragic happened on Valentine's Day many years ago (death of a family pet?) and so now you refuse to celebrate the holiday. (He may come up with an even more elaborate plan to cheer you up).

I do believe that this circumstance requires a passage from Pride and Prejudice:

“You are too hasty, sir,” she cried. “You forget that I have made no answer. Let me do it without further loss of time. Accept my thanks for the compliment you are paying me. I am very sensible of the honour of your proposals, but it is impossible for me to do otherwise than to decline them.”

“I am not now to learn,” replied Mr. Collins, with a formal wave of the hand, “that it is usual with young ladies to reject the addresses of the man whom they secretly mean to accept, when he first applies for their favour; and that sometimes the refusal is repeated a second, or even a third time. I am therefore by no means discouraged by what you have just said, and shall hope to lead you to the altar ere long.”

“Upon my word, sir,” cried Elizabeth, “your hope is a rather extraordinary one after my declaration. I do assure you that I am not one of those young ladies (if such young ladies there are) who are so daring as to risk their happiness on the chance of being asked a second time. I am perfectly serious in my refusal. You could not make me happy, and I am convinced that I am the last woman in the world who could make you so.”

All joking aside, honesty is your best bet. Even though it may hurt the little fella, guys really do prefer honesty. (Or so many have told me). Just tell him plainly that you are flattered by his invitation, but are not interested. It will be better in the long run. I must needs take my own advice. I wish you the best of luck with this situation.

We now interrupt our regularly scheduled advice post to bring you a rant about Valentine's Day.

I think my hatred for Valentine's Day stemmed from my junior-high years. It was the whole ordeal of the same girls getting called to the office each class period to receive yet another box of chocolates, shaggy stuffed animal, or bouquet of roses. They go home laden with these gifts of young boys' admiration while you ashamedly stuff the cards and chocolates from your mother and your Young Women's leaders into your backpack. My aversion for the holiday only grew after I spent my first Valentine's Day in college alone while Mr. Slipshod (my boyfriend at the time) took another girl to the Valentine's dance. That night I did my laundry, watched 27 Dresses, and ate chocolate all alone.

You may say, "But Lady, that's all in the past. You can still like Valentine's Day."

This is no longer about my past, this is a matter of principle. Allow me to present to you my reasons:

1. Red and pink do not go together. They clash horribly, and there is no way around it. Whoever came up with this day's official colors was either color-blind or deeply disturbed.

2. The stores are bedecked with naked babies with bows and arrows, glittering red hearts, and giant cut-outs of lips. The shelves are stocked with polyester red roses (if you're too cheap for real ones), heart-shaped boxes of chocolates, teddy bears holding hearts embroidered with "I Love You" or "Be Mine" or "Get Over Here Sugar Lips." Classy.

3. For children in elementary school, Valentine's Day becomes some sort of competition. You aren't cool if you don't have Disney Princess or Space Jam (which was all the rage in my day) Valentine's cards to give to everyone. You were definitely the laughing stock of the class if your Valentine's were homemade (unless you compensated with chocolate).

4. Red roses are anything but flattering. In fact they are nigh unto insulting. Perhaps I am too high maintenance, but receiving generic flowers set aside in huge plastic buckets especially for this holiday never sent me the message that I was special to someone.

5. Some very depressed and lonely people coined the term: Single Awareness Day (SAD).
That is sad. It's disgustingly sad. Can't I be single and happy? I would like to think so.

6. Conversation hearts are the worst excuse for candy ever invented. They taste like chalk.

Lest you become upset with my outpouring of angst, I will divulge some of the good points of Valentine's Day (because there are some):

1. A day to celebrate love is a great idea. Love is great. It's the best thing that can happen to a person. I love love. I love being in love. (I think someone should make that into a song).

2. Chocolate is the second best thing that can happen to a person. This holiday makes me exceptionally grateful for chocolate.

3. Receiving flowers from a boy (as long as they're not red roses) is SUPER great. I love flowers, so if a boy wants to get me flowers, I will never complain (as long as they're not red roses!).

Well I ran out of points. As you can see, there are definitely more cons to Valentine's Day than there are pros. And in a way, Valentine's Day is sort of pointless for me. I celebrate love everyday. I believe that you should have a bit of chocolate everyday. And there is nothing wrong (in fact it's better) with getting flowers at different points of the year (everyday?).

So I am eagerly awaiting February to end. March is a glorious month. (St. Patrick's Day!)

Until then, Happy Weezer Day! (Did you know that Weezer got together on Valentine's Day?)

The Lady

"And pictures of perfection, as you know, make me sick and wicked"

2012-02-08T23:45:00.001-07:00

I know that you have been chomping at the bit to know what happened with Happy McSmiles. Oh boy do I have a story for you, probably not the one you are expecting though. Last week when I showed up at Place for my weekly shift, I was totally psyched to potentially run into him again. I say potentially because it requires a lot of luck mixed with a little skill to work my way into the same room as him for more than thirty seconds. Last week while I was working away and day dreaming about running into Happy, I got hypothetically slapped in the face when none other than Mr. Perfect walked in. You don't know who Mr. Perfect is, because I haven't told you, because I thought he was out of the picture and I was no longer twisted in twitterpation over him.

Mr. Perfect is this guy I met early last year, and we completely hit it off. He was handsome and charming and tall and funny and smart and kind and so easy and fun to be around. We talked for several hours that first night and he ended things with an "I'd love to see you again" and getting my number. Atta' boy. I went home that night on cloud nine-thousand.

Long story short, (as I found out in my round-about-stalker-way) complications arose when an old girlfriend of his cropped back up and we only went on one date like two months later (that I thought was amazing) and then [beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep] flat-lined. I was all tied up in knots over that boy for far too long, over far too little, and finally was able to leave it alone. Victory. That was of course until he decided to rudely appear in the midst of me waiting to be re-smitten by another man.

Side note: In my also round-about-accidental-stalker/we-have-several-mutual-friends kind of way, I knew that things were done for real with his ex, and he'd even dated another girl for a month or so, and was now single again. I had chosen not to care because I was not about to go down that road again.

It was easy to feel that way because I had been able to avoid associating with him, and then I saw him, and he was handsome and charming and tall and funny and smart and kind and so easy and fun to be around all over again. Seeing him brought back this huge rush of feelings that I had stomped into nothingness, or so I thought. It sort of felt like the blood drained out of every part of body and all rushed to my face. I managed to appear cool and collected, maybe even clever, but inside was a flurry of bells and alarms. I felt totally absurd for having such a reaction, especially because our entire interaction was ten minutes tops.

After he was gone I tried to realign my senses and went back to eagerly waiting to see Happy McSmiles. Then I did. But after the cyclone of emotion that Mr. Perfect had brought on, my excitement was next to completely deflated.

Mr. Perfect had ruined Happy McSmiles!

Oh the INJUSTICE!

Luckily me seeing Happy was more like a passing hello, so hopefully next week with my regained equilibrium, I will be excited about him all over again. The rest of that night was spent with me being thoroughly irritated at Mr. Perfect for always ruining everything.

...But mostly just irritated at him for not being madly in love with me.

Yours Truly,

The Closer

The Break

2012-02-07T16:14:00.022-07:00

For those of you who "like" The Anti-Austen on Facebook (which should be all of you that have Facebooks, in my opinion), you may have noticed that last week I posted a status mentioning that I had a bit of news for all of you.

And for those of you who read the status and thought Ohmygosh she must be ENGAGED!, I'm sorry to let you down. The news is actually quite the opposite. Also, I want to apologize to The Skeptic, who said "Know that it is stories like this that allow me to retain some hope and faith in love and dating and all that. Otherwise, I'd be very done by now." I do hope you don't give up on "love and dating and all that" quite yet. And I'd like to apologize to The LimeGreen Goddess, Mr. Dir's sister, who is going to find out about this via blogpost because I didn't have the heart to tell her.

Mr. Director and I have broken up.

I'm sure that was quite unexpected, given the nature of my last two posts.

Okay, okay, so before you start weeping and wailing and gnashing your teeth, I guess I should clarify. Technically it's a "break."
But I think breaks are stupid, so for all intents and purposes I am saying that we broke up.

It's actually something that we've been talking about for a while (or, I should say, Mr. Dir has been talking about for a while). I guess I can't be too mad at him, since I actually made The Ex go through a break as well. And since Mr. Dir and I are surprisingly similar, it really shouldn't have come as a surprise to me that he thought a break would be a good idea. (A year and a half ago, I also thought a break would be a fantastic idea. That is, until I experienced one and realized that they suck/don't work. I guess I probably deserve to experience what I put The Ex through.)

Anyways, here is a brief summary of Mr. Dir's rationale:
1. Our relationship hasn't been perfect. There have been a lot of days when things just seemed off and we couldn't figure out what was wrong. As Mr. Dir pointed out, we can't keep doing the same thing and expect different results; i.e., we've tried to just "push through" everything and it hasn't fixed those little issues.
2. We both have some doors that need to be closed. If we really want to take our relationship to a more serious level, we need to make sure there aren't any other people creating little "what-if"s in our minds. (For me, that door is labeled "The Ex.")
3. Mr. Dir said that he wants to be "100% sure" and he thinks that this break will help.

If you're already picking apart these arguments, know that that is exactly what I've been doing for the past week. It also doesn't help that EVERY SINGLE PERSON I talk to has their own reason for why a "break" is a bad idea.

My Counter-Arguments to Mr. Dir's reasons:
(I wish I'd thought these out back when he first suggested a break)
1. Relationships are about growing and experiencing things together, and so they need to be worked on together to make them stronger. They can't be worked on separately. Not seeing or speaking to someone is not a relationship. So, obviously, you can't "fix" things in a relationship if it doesn't even exist.
2. I do agree that we need to close those doors, but dating other people is a very easy way to open doors rather than close them.
3. How can you be sure about someone when you don't spend any time with them? If you want to be "sure" about someone, you need to spend time getting to know them on many different levels. A lack of contact for a month doesn't facilitate this deeper level of "knowing."

Oh yeah, did I mention that this break is scheduled to be a MONTH?!
Sure, he said that he might show up at my door halfway through, but still. Will it really take him a whole month to ascertain what his feelings are for me?

So despite the fact that I am very much opposed to breaks, I decided I'd be willing to do this for him because he really thinks it will help. He's quite insistent that we will get back together, but every day I feel like I'm less and less sure. It's hard not being able to talk to him--without knowing what he's thinking, the paranoid side of me freaks out and worries that he's already given me up.

Honestly, it just hurts to think that someone who says they love you would be willing to put you out of their life for an entire month.

Luckily, however, my self-esteem hasn't taken too much of a blow. This is largely due to the fact that everyone's reaction when they hear about the break has been one of two things (usually both):
1. "Oh Charmer, I'm so sorry to hear that."
2. "Mr. Director is an idiot."

The funniest comment was when my friend The Graduate found out. He responded, "Well, you just made a lot of boys in Provo happy."

This statement has, in fact, been demonstrated by the fact that I had one date last Friday, one lunch date today (actually with The Ex...but hey, I'm trying to close that door, right?!), and another date tonight.
So it's not like I'm not just sitting around moping.
But it still seriously sucks. And instead of finding myself more in love with each passing day, I've found myself getting more irritated every day. Every day, Mr. Dir's reasons for the break seem wimpier and wimpier. And with every additional person who tells me the break is stupid or that Mr. Dir is an idiot, it's starting to really get to my head. I just can't envision running back into his arms at the end of the month with the attitude that is currently growing in me. A month is a long time. I worry that it could be sufficient time for my feelings for him to cool...possibly enough to allow someone else to get a foot in the door.
(Which maybe means that he shouldn't be a permanent installment in my life if it only takes me a month to push him out of it. So I guess if I do get over him it might be a good thing, since we probably couldn't have worked out for eternity if all it took was a month for me to forget him.)

And I don't even know if his daily calendar reminders will be enough to keep me googoo-eyed until March. (He hacked into my Gmail calendar so that every day, it gives me a reminder about something we did on that date in a previous month. For example, the first one I got on Feb 2 said, On this day 3 months ago we went into the Pendulum Court and ordered everything on the menu. We discovered that we had met a year before without even knowing it.)

Anyways, that's probably enough bitterness and teenage-style angst for one post.

The unfortunate thing about this blog being anonymous is that we can't all have a big girls' night where we eat rocky road ice cream and watch The Bachelor and laugh at how pathetic other peoples' love lives are. But know that you are all invited to my little apartment any time.

With a Less-Giddy-Than-Usual Ciao,
The Charmer

"You must be the best judge of your own happiness"

2012-02-05T23:17:00.002-07:00

Last weekend I went on a blind date. Well, as blind as you can get with facebook and google search {I would share a couple tips on how to creep like a pro, but I’m afraid you would start calling me the blue stalking...I'm that good}.

For some reason in the past couple of weeks people have been setting me up on a lot of blind dates. Maybe the stench of singledom is finally starting to permeate around my presence.

I keep telling myself I should be flattered that my friends are so determined to set me up and the bachelors are overall fantastic, but I’m too nervous about the dates.

And this is why. When a guy asks you out you automatically know that he likes you -to some degree - and you know enough about him to judge how the date will go.

With a blind date you have to impress him from the start and you have no idea how it's going to be. And as we all know first impressions are not our finest hours. Or at least mine aren’t. I can’t tell you how many guys I have physically harmed, unintentionally insulted, or thrown my crazy on them sooner than is necessary. Disaster. I’m a disaster... in the most humorous way possible. I'm actually shocked that guys continue to go after me.

I sincerely hope most of you guys are as unsmooth as I, because that’s the lie I’ve been feeding myself all these years.

Well this Saturday I had one of my blind guys come and pick me up and as far as first impressions go, I was impressed. He was attractive, drove a very nice car {I know it’s materialistic and shallow for me to like that…but I do}, and he smelled wonderful. We started off with a hug and I have to say it was nice. He then drove me to a really fun restaurant and we had dinner. Overall, I was really impressed…know lets zero in on the details.

When we first got to dinner I was shaking. Literally shaking. The funny thing is I don’t know why I was. I’m not a nervous person, in fact I never get scared when talking to someone, I actually pride myself on my social skills. But I tell you, I was shaking. It got to the point I stopped going for the chip basket because I was afraid my shaky hands would give me away. I think he thought I was a dainty eater or something lame like that.

Well no worries, I proved him wrong on that account. About 20 minutes in, and with calmer hands, I consumed a massive amount of chips and completely cleaned my plate. I’m not even a bit ashamed, even though at one point he moved the chip basket in front of me….that was a little embarrassing.

Afterwards he went to drop me off {can I say how much I love dates that are under 2 hours. LOVE} and instead of leaving me at the doorstep he asked to come in. So I let him. I showed him around the place and we talked for a bit and then he left. Ok he didn’t just leave. Instead we had this awkward one arm hug, but then the other arm went in for the kill and it turned into a weird arm tango.

It was bad.

Overall, wonderful date with a great guy. Do I like him, no. Why? I have no idea. I just had this feeling that it wasn’t right and even though I know that’s silly, I have come to never question my feelings. If he asks me out again –which I don’t think he will {weird arm tango people!} - then yes, of course I’ll go. But for now I’m chalking it up to a nice dinner with an attractive guy.

-The Blue Stocking

P.S Guy from my ward insists on being wonderful and I still don’t know my best plan of action. We are spending a lot of time together, but no date! Argghhhhh. Chocolate has become my best friend....

A Question of Hormones

2012-02-05T02:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Lovely Ladies of the Anti-Austen blog,

I've written in before and absolutely love your dating advice, so I decided to give it a go again. I have been friends with The Amigo for almost 2 years. We've been on plenty of dates during that time, but have never really done anything more than just go out as really good friends. I feel like I know him better than almost anyone and know that I am most like myself when I'm around him. We're talking best friends here. I've gone around forever saying that we're platonic soul-mates and mourning the fact I was never attracted to him (not that he's not attractive. I actually think he's quite good looking. There's just never been that spark, you know?)

Anyway, there was this girl's choice stake dance last weekend and I felt guilty not going, so I asked the Amigo. He said he'd go, but only if we could go Latin dancing afterwards. I love latin dancing, so off we went on Friday night to shake our hips all night long. There we were, just salsa-ing the night away when--Bam! Out of nowhere, this huge rush of hormones hits me and I realize--wait a second, I am attracted to this man! It was an epiphany that has kept me confused for the last couple of days, but I'm pretty sure that it's a done deal--I like this guy as more than a friend now.

Part of me is overjoyed. This is exactly what I've been wanting! (Not to mention Mr. Knightley, the best friend turned lover has always been my favorite Austen gentleman--how perfect would that be??) However, the other part of me is worried. What if he doesn't like me in that way? Even if he does, how do I express my interest without ruining our friendship? I see him every day, so the awkward factor is not something I could just ignore. So, lovely Anti-Austen ladies, do you have advice for me? I know we talk about friend-zoning all the time, but how am I supposed to get myself out?? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

The Amiga

Oh Mi Amiga,

This is certainly a tricky one isn't it? I'm excited to work through this with you as my first official advice post! I have been mulling over your question for a couple of days now and have a several thoughts that I would like to share.

My first thought is for you to take a certain amount of time, maybe a week or two, and see if these hormones stick around. I don't know why, but I have had several moments with close guy friends where all of the sudden I find myself wanting to be in their arms. At first it feels a lot like it did for you, but often times, whatever sensual situation or fluctuation of pheromones that caused the feeling is gone and now I'm back to being satisfied with a solid high-five. Ugh. Lady hormones. I will say that there have been many other times when all of the sudden, I realize I'm attracted to someone, and it sticks, and hopefully that's where you are too! Who doesn't want to date/marry/have loads of babies with their best friend? (In that order preferably)

Once you have established that your body does indeed want his body, we can address the conundrum of what to do about it. I think there are a couple of questions that you need to ask yourself.

1. Are you willing to live without the friendship in order to find out if it could be something more?

With every investment we make, we have to decide that we are indeed willing to live with the potential loss. Granted we get to evaluate how high risk this investment is, so that is something for you to consider as well. If knowing that you did everything you could to date him would be worth losing the friendship, then that is a very telling thing for you.

2. If you are being really honest with yourself, do you believe that he likely does have feelings for you?

Like we saw in the infamous video that's already been blogged about here, it would appear that men are not as great at having a "friend zone" as girls are. Especially if you have been on plenty of dates. I don't think that many guys will spend that much time/effort/money on a girl unless they are hoping for something more. If you honestly believe that this is the case, well, that certainly makes things easier!

Now that you have asked yourself those two questions, if both answers are yes, then I can tell you a couple of ways I've seen friends transition into dating:

-Tell him how you are feeling: "Hey Amigo, can we talk? I've recently started to feel like I like you as more than a friend. Have you ever felt that way about me? Do you think we should try dating?" Something along those lines.

-Increase physical touch. If you're feeling a rush of hormones, it's likely that he's picking up on some of that same chemistry. Sit closer to him on the couch, touch his arm/knee more, offer a shoulder massage. See how much you can play off that chemistry to see if it's reciprocated and maybe before you know it you'll be cuddling and will have something more tangible to have a conversation about.

-Ask him to take you on a real date. I've seen this request alone jolt a guy into realizing that it's time to step it up and that he wants to after all. And then he still gets to instigate things in a lot of ways, which is always a good thing.

Ways that I haven't seen work but maybe they will for you:

-Run up and kiss him on the mouth

-Start introducing him as your boyfriend

-Talk about how cute your kids are going to be

-Next time you go to his place, walk in and say "Honey, I'm home!"

-Set him up with really awful girls so he realizes how amazing you are more quickly

-Take him on a hot air balloon ride for Valentines Day

Voila! You should have things all worked out in no time.

All joking aside (those last suggestions were jokes, in case the text-based sarcasm didn't make it through) I wish you lot of luck. You're probably going to have to do some tough things that are going to require some bravery if you really want to find out what's there. Just remember how great it will feel to know that you can do hard things once you've made it through. Good luck!

Yours Truly,

The Closer

What is right to be done cannot be done too soon.

2012-02-02T10:53:00.000-07:00

My dear friends,
This post, for myself at least, is incredibly exciting. I have been mulling the mechanics of it over in my brain for a week now, and I am ready now to present it to you for either approval or disdain.

Last week, after my triumph over Mr. Cowboy, I decided once and for all that I had officially been completely reformed. I was no longer The Coquette, but someone entirely new.

However, the implications of this change deserve some brief explanation. I firmly believe that pieces of yourself never truly leave you, there are certain characteristics which are simply a part of your nature. A part of me will always be a bit coquettish. Let's face it, I am easily enamored by charming men, and will continue to be until the best possible combination of Mr. Darcy/Brandon/Wentworth/Ferrars/Knightley sweeps me of my feet. But despite having this peculiar facet as a part of my personality, it no longer defines me. You were introduced to me as The Coquette: Self-proclaimed as "easy". Attempting to reform. A part of The Coquette remains here with me, but change is needed, and progress has indeed occurred.

You may be tired of my philosophical/emotional rantings, and just want me to get down to business and find a good man--which I admit would be nice--but these changes are incredibly significant for me, no matter how bored you may be with them. So write about them I must!

And now I present to you the real subject of this post:

I am changing my name.

I was The Coquette.

Now I am The Lady.

You are probably groaning to yourselves because of how plain and boring that name seems to you, but please allow me to explain. Throughout the past week, I have tried on dozens of names: The Enthusiast, The Idealist, The Maudlin, The Intellectual, etc. But nothing fit at all. Until it hit me: The Lady.

Before you begin to complain, let me explain. When Jane Austen first began her career, she wrote under a pseudonym. It was simple and unpretentious. A Lady. It was perfect. (I am not comparing my writing abilities to Jane by any stretch of the imagination). To me, this blog is about three things: my relationship with men, my relationship with myself, and my relationship with my dear friend, Jane Austen. (It's a very Julie and Julia sort of deal). Jane created a world with which many of us are entranced--if not obsessed in my case--and created characters with whom we cannot dismiss easily. They are complex. They are real. They are beautiful. This blog is dedicated to the fact that we, as a certain number of young ladies at Brigham Young University, are in love with Jane Austen's novels, but we lament the sad reality that our lives are nothing like these enchanting bits of literature. As of yet.

So to me, the name is perfect. It symbolizes much of my change and progression and it is overall, for Jane.

Now I officially introduce to you The Lady: A reformed coquette who is obsessed with the novels of Jane Austen. She is awaiting the day when her personal hero will make his grand entrance, whilst doing her best to avoid the Collinses and Willoughbys of the world.

Let the complaining begin.

Con Amor,

The Lady

A Peek Into His Mind, Pt. 2

2012-01-31T19:01:00.002-07:00

I'm really excited to bring you the second part of last week's post! You all expressed how much you liked being able to peek into Mr. Dir's mind, so hopefully you enjoy another little taste of that.

Some of you have also been asking how Colonel Paisley's date went. First off, there were 31applicants! 31! That's crazy! Talk about a difficult decision!

Anyways, I'm sure Colonel Paisley will have an update for you soon enough. But I will let you in on something that he told me...

The date went very well. She's pretty awesome.

And also Colonel Paisley told me that he could see my apartment from hers.

Since that's all that he told me, I cannot wait to hear all about the date! But while you're waiting, you'll just have to be happy with some more commentary from Mr. Director.

Enjoy!
(and if you missed the first part, check it out here)

This next post was a good one...

On Sunday after dinner he asked me if I would be willing to go out with him on Saturday. And, despite the fact that I was still fairly set on Masimo, I said yes.

I made sure to make the date sound low-key, as well as to place it far enough into the future so that amidst all of her love affairs I would have to stay on her mind. Guys think about these kinds of things. Timing is important!

Friday rolls around. I get that text I mentioned from Masimo and I'm planning on dinner with Piano Man that night. Then, in the middle of the day, I get a text from Mr. Director: Hey, Happy Friday! You probably have plans, and I know I've already got you tomorrow night, but I have an extra ticket to the Grizzlies hockey game tonight because my roommate had something come up. Let me know if you want to go!

The beautiful thing about having a set date to do something in the future is that when you ask the girl to do something beforehand it’s not a huge deal. If she says no and is weirded out, you have the date coming up to redeem yourself. And if she says yes, then you already have a built-in next date waiting. It’s a win win!

So I went to the hockey game with Mr. Director...
And I had a FABULOUS time with him.

It was a good time. Charmer certainly isn’t “one of the guys” when it comes to sports, but we had a fun time chatting. :)

Hey. I think someone is subtly insulting my knowledge of sports! :p

Finally, we take it home...
(Oh, and PS, what Mr. Dir FORGOT to mention is that I was actually NOT the first girl he asked to go to the game. I had to keep this story realistic so you don't run off thinking my love life is too perfect and/or romantic.)

Who knew hockey could be so fun to watch? I've never been to a hockey game before. Look at me, trying all sorts of new things! Mr. Director was quirky and a little bit goofy and not at all like Masimo. But even though I tried not to be, I couldn't deny that I was attracted to those unpredictable little quirks. (And I really did try! Remember--I was planning on giving Masimo a chance? [Kinda?] I tried not to let myself be attracted to Mr. Director.)

After the game, we drove back to Provo and got frozen yogurt. I was really just having a lot of fun with him...the conversation was good, I was legitimately laughing a lot, I was intrigued by the way this boy thought about things...and at one point in the evening when Mr. Director touched my knee, I realized I liked it. A lot.

Intentional. Two can play at the use-physical-touch-to-get-people-thinking trick. Girls thinkthey have all the power.

When we were finished with our yogurt, Mr. Director pointed out what time it was and told me that he could take me home if I wanted. But he also mentioned that he wouldn't mind watching a movie with me if I was up for it.

You go 90, she goes 10. Works again! I also tried to make it clear that it was her decision and I didn’t want to keep her out late, buuuut that I definitely did want to keep doing things that night. I find that if you make it clear to a girl that you want to respect her time, often she will be the one that says it's alright to go a little later than planned.

And...I surprised myself by agreeing to watch a movie with him.
Yes, I knew this was a dangerous move, because I knew that if we watched a movie I would cuddle with him. After all, a) that's the reason boys watch movies with girls and b) I secretly wanted to anyways. It was practically inevitable.

A couple days ago we re-enacted our first cuddle. It was fun. :) Arm around her, pull her into your arms, start messing with her hand, start holding the hand. Bam!

(Is it just me or does that sound a little bit formulaic to you? It kind of sounds like he's done this before!)

So we went back to his house and put in a movie. Sure enough, I was in his arms before too long...Surprisingly, it wasn't awkward, either; we were still laughing and having fun even though we both knew that they had crossed some serious relationship boundaries. And somewhere in the midst of the cuddling, there might have even been a bit of hand-holding. This was fairly significant, because even though I have found myself in the arms of many boys recently, I haven't held anyone's hand since The Ex.

It was a happy night. Hehe. And the fact that we watched Cool Runnings definitely helped. Can’t go wrong with a classic like that!

After the movie, Mr. Director took me home. Even though I was realizing just how much I liked him, my conscience was not happy with me. After all, I didn't know at this point that I wouldn't talk to Masimo all weekend...I was still planning on calling him up to chat, and I felt a little guilty for cuddling with Mr. Director. So, as he was walking me to my doorstep, I blurted out, "Just so you know, I'm probably going to freak out about this tomorrow, since my love life just got a whole lot more complicated."

Mr. Director looked surprised for a second. Then, he slowly smiled and said, "Well...thanks for the warning."

My commentary from this point forward seems unnecessary, because at this point Charmer and I really were on the same page about things. We both felt a sort of knowledge that we would be dating soon (which we would) and it was happy and heavenly and new and fun and good. We liked talking and cuddling and becoming a working couple. Dating is really about communication and being yourself, and I think that’s really what made Mr. Director fall in love with the Charmer. And plus I felt pretty cool/manly for beating out all the other guys.
Teehee. :)

Well, there you have it! A secret look into the mind of boys...well, a boy.

Believe it or not, it's already February tomorrow...the month of love, but also the month with a surprisingly high number of breakups (which ironically tend to happen immediately after Valentine's Day). So, I wish you all the best of luck with your dating lives!
[Although February doesn't have as many breakups as January, the month with the highest breakup rate. Hey look, you made it through!! Now that January's over, your dating lives should just get easier...right?!]

Kisses,
The Charmer

Success Supposes Endeavor

2012-01-29T19:05:00.003-07:00

I’m facing a dilemma of epic proportions so of course I’m turning to you for advice. See there’s this guy {typical} and I’ve started to like him. Now here comes the problem, my feelings toward him are very common in our ward. Ok I’ll be more blunt. Every girl in my ward loves him…or so it seems.

Without exaggeration there are at least five girls hungrily waiting for him to emerge from Priesthood so they can attack. They then stalk him to the Sunday school class of his choosing and protectively surround him. This is just a representation of what the more advance hunters do. The slyer flock casually bumps into him throughout the day trying desperately to steal a couple minutes of his time. Smooth

So where does that leave me?

Just in case you haven’t gotten this vibe from me, I’m going to lay it out.

I don’t compete for guys. I just don’t. I’m morally opposed to it and I like guys to come to me. Yes, there are special exceptions to this rule. For example, if a guy is well liked among the female world and yet he sets his sights on me, then yes I go after him.

I’m pretty sure my parents are to blame for my proud attitude. Since I was little, they’ve been feeding me personality defining phrases praising everything about me. I grew up believing “who wouldn’t want to date me, I’m fantastic and as a bonus I’m not deformed in any way.”

But now that I’m in college sometimes that confidence is put to the test. This results in girls like me refusing to compete. I simply don’t believe I should have to and I don’t like to lose…ever. But more importantly I don’t want my love story to go as follows,

“Well sweeties, after months and months of mommy stalking, hunting, and clawing her way through the hordes for daddy, she finally trapped him in a metal ensnared cage of desire. Then after weeks of convincing, begging, and crying daddy gave up his life willingly and we were married in the morning.”

It’s dramatic, but I think it gets my point across.

But with this guy I really don’t know what to do. I just can’t tell if he likes me above the rest, or just enough to make it worth acting in a more forward way then I’m used to.

See if you can figure it out with the clues I’ve gotten this semester. We are always together and having the best conversations. Our chats are filled with inside jokes and uncontrollable laughter. We've begun to text each other funny things during the week.

Usually after the appearance of such signs I would be sure that he liked me to some degree. But here’s the difference with him; He’s just really nice. Like really really nice. I wouldn’t put it past him to be extra friendly to a lot of girls. Even writing that last sentence formed a knot in my stomach, I hate being a part of the ‘lots of girls’ category.

In the end, I don’t know what to do. And the more other girls chase him the less I care. But I want to care. I really do.

I know there is no easy solution to this problem. The best plan is to just stick it out, but I’m getting tired and I think I deserve more than this…yup there’s my pride emerging.

-The Blue Stocking.

P.S. I have a perfect name picked out for him, but I’m holding on to it until I’m less confused.

A mind lively and at ease.

2012-01-26T00:31:00.002-07:00

It is time my friends. It is time for me to relate to you the best thing that has ever happened to me since reading my first Jane Austen novel at age twelve (Sense and Sensibility was my first, and it really was that good).

After many years of torturing hemming and hawing, Mr. Cowboy is getting married. And he is not marrying me.

Mr. Cowboy has been home from his mission for a mere three weeks. By the end of week one, he was engaged. (This is no exaggeration, nor a ploy to protect identities). The illogical speed of the engagement shocked me. But now that the initial impact has passed, all I can feel is pure giddy excitement. If you see a girl with brown curly hair literally bobbing about campus, that is me.

It is true that at first I was quite upset. I was listening to "Someone Like You" at least twenty times a day. I was consuming copious amounts of pretzel M&M's and the like. Luckily this pathetic state only lasted a couple of days before I came to my senses. The exact events of those few days are much too complicated and lengthy to relate here. (However, if you ever see me on campus, feel free to ask me). The wonderful realizations that I have finally come to (with an inordinate amount of help from my father) are these:

1. I deserve to marry someone who is crazy about me. Who really just doesn't want to live without me.

2. I do not want to be with someone who holds my faults and mistakes over my head and uses them to make me feel guilty or to manipulate me.

3. I want a man who is ambitious with his education and career.

4. I want a man who I can trust to be solid in loyalty, honesty, and righteousness.

5. I want a man who will hold me in high esteem and never ridicule me in public (or in private).

6. I deserve to be in love.

Thankfully I have a wise father, who often knows me better than I know myself. Because of my father reminding of these things and pointing out how poorly I had been treated by this "tool in gentleman's clothing", I was miraculously liberated from such degrading feelings which have been plaguing me for several years. So when Mr. Cowboy called me to "officially" tell me the news of his engagement (which I had naturally already heard about) this is what I said to him:

"Mr. Cowboy, I am honestly so grateful that you are getting married. I have never been so happy in my whole life. I am finally free. I am free from anticipation, from expectation, from gossip, and from guilt. We are finally free from each other. I just can't even explain how happy I am."

That is what I told him. That, plus some. I laid it on him thick for at least ten minutes. He hardly got a word in. I was laughing. It sounded like he might be crying. Whimpering at least. And I couldn't even feel bad for him. He tried to thank me for all that I had done for him, and I just brushed it aside. He told me that we could could still be friends and that if I needed anything, I could call at any time. I told him blatantly, that we could no longer be friends, and I assured him that he would never hear from me again. I didn't need him in my life anymore, and he didn't need me.

IT WAS THE BEST FEELING IN THE WHOLE WORLD!!!!!!

On my way home, after I had hung up the phone, and jumped around for a few mad seconds, "Someone Like You" came on my iPod. And I laughed. It wasn't a sad song any longer. I felt just like Kate Winslet at the end of The Holiday. I have finally discovered gumption and I can exclaim, "I am miraculously done being in love with you!"

Gumption. Gumption. Gumption.

Love. Love. Love.

The Coquette is Free!

Perhaps I will change my name on this blog now because it is finally all over. I am officially reformed.

Con Amor,

The Coquette (er...some anonymous very happy young woman)

Well now I just feel silly, in a good way

2012-01-25T12:15:00.001-07:00

First of all, thank you to all the ladies that gave me an "amen!", and second of all, thanks to all of you who left comments with awesome advice. I've been mulling over whether or not to actually take a tennis racket to institute as a conversation starter. (Ha ha, I'm only joking a little).

Mm kay, so I think that publicly determining to meet more dudes worked some magic, lemme tell you why. Last week after writing my post I went to "Place" (trying to keep my anonymity here), where I volunteer every week. There's this guy, let's call him Happy McSmiles, who works at Place and who I happen to find quite cute. (I hesitate here to call him cute because that's probably a bit emasculating, but he is just so CUTE. So too bad, I'm using it.) You know how sometimes you see someone and you can immediately tell that they are the kind of person who helps you move right after they get back from visiting their grandma in the nursing home and saving a baby from a burning building? That's what he looks like.

That being said, I've been admiring him from afar. He started working at Place a couple of months ago, and our paths don't typically cross much so there have only been a couple of passing 'nod and smiles' exchanged between us. Well, as fate would have it, last week I ended up working all by my lonesome nearer to him than usual and he came over to strike up conversation with me (internal excited squealing)! I had to leave about fifteen minutes later and was as bummed to no longer be talking to him as I was thrilled that we had talked at all. A little while later I finagled my way back to his area and made myself look busy, but all I was really doing was checking to see if he'd take the bait and come talk to me again. He did. (If you feelin' like a pimp, go on brush yo shoulders off). This time we talked until it was time for me to go home.

That is pretty much the climax of the story. He didn't get my number or anything, but we should see each other every week, and now that we have bridged the "I don't know who you are" gap, I foresee good things. I would now like to admit that I left Place completely giddy, and floated around on cloud nine for the next hour or so.

Moral of the story you ask? You can make a girl feel downright silly for not being able to wipe a grin off of her face, by simply striking up conversation.

I know that some of you guys will want to add caveats to this, like "well sure, if she already thinks I'm cute", or "yeah, as long as she already likes me". Yes, yes, these things are mostly true. But it's also true that you miss 100% of the shots you don't take, as cliche as that phrase is. What may be comforting is that it's easy to test the water on this, to find out whether or not to pursue further- Does she seem interested in talking with you? Is she reciprocating questions to you? Is she smiling a lot? Is she laughing at your jokes? (even if you're not sure it was funny). If the answer is yes to at least two of those questions then you are in pretty good shape.

...Although, maybe I only know how I act when I'm reciprocating interest. What do you do when you're interested in the person approaching you? (open to guys and gals)

Yours Truly,

The Closer

A Peek Into His Mind

2012-01-24T16:21:00.009-07:00

Today I have a VERY special treat for you!

Do you ever wonder what on earth people of the opposite sex are thinking? Do you ever look back on a date or an awkward moment and think If ONLY I could read his/her mind! ? Have you ever written a journal entry about that "special someone" and wished you could read what they would write about you?

The answer for all of you is yes. Don't deny it.

I am just like you and I often wish I could peek into the minds of boys I go on dates with. I was especially interested to know what Mr. Director was thinking during our flirtatious stage. Maybe even some of you have wondered what he would say about everything that happened between us.

Well, if so, this is your lucky day! Mr. Director has so graciously agreed to give us a look into his mind by adding his own commentary to the story I told you back in October about how we started dating. I will warn you, this is going to be kind of a long post since I'll be including snippets from my own story plus his thoughts. But I think it will be worth your time to read. I absolutely loved getting to peek into his mind.

This first part of the story comes from my post on October 4. My words are going to be italicized; Mr. Dir's thoughts are in red. Enjoy!

While I was with Piano Man, I got a call from Mr. Director. Despite the fact that Mr. Director and I had spent a fair amount of time together at this point because of club commitments, we hadn't actually gone on any dates. I'd hinted to him that I was interested in someone else and I figured he wasn't going to keep pursuing me.
Apparently, I was wrong.

Of course she was! I’ve always had the motto, “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” I think Wayne Gretzky said it. He plays hockey, in case you girls were wondering. :)

I answered the call thinking he was calling about club business...but of course he wasn't. He was actually calling to ask me on a date.

I was so nervous, it was out of control. I knew that I was interested in Charmer based on some of the conversations we had had before, particularly one we had in the taco bell line. And…I admit, I had done a bit of facebook stalking to know that she was pretty legit. Now don’t judge, everyone does it, and in a lot of ways I think it’s a good way to know if you’re interested in someone. Anyways, I told myself that at 8:54 PM I would call her and I made 3 of my roommates hold me to it. (8:30 is a bit too early, and 9:00 sharp seems too intentional.)

I couldn't believe it. Piano Man and his roommates were sitting there watching me as I struggled to figure out what to say. It was one of those moments where all I could think was, Really?! Is this actually happening right now?! Now I can be rude, but I'm not quite rude enough to set up a date with one boy while I'm sitting on the couch next to another one. A bit flustered, I told Mr. Director that I'd call him back later.

NOOOOOOOO! Failure! She totally sounded not interested and like she had thought it would be club business. And from the sounds of it, she was with another boy (guess I was right). She did the whole, “I’ll call you back later” thing. So, I half-heartedly waited out the night, and no call [here Mr. Dir inserted 3 sad faces]. In the MORNING (Charmer you devil) I got a voicemail from Charmer explaining that she’d be fine with a date but that I shouldn’t get my hopes up,
because she was kinda sorta in the awkward stage where she was about to start dating another guy. Going along with my life motto, I said hey, “I embrace your awkward stage” and set up the date.

Awww. Poor MD. And I cannot help but grin every time I read that line "Charmer you devil"! This next post was on October 11.

Mr. Director is surprisingly fun to be around. Despite my initial irritation at being asked out by him, I had a great time on our date. He was really easy to talk to and I was completely myself around him. I even told him the entire Piano Man/Masimo story. In fact, we threw out all the rules of first dates. We talked about our exes. We didn't waste time asking questions like "What's your favorite type of music?" or "What's your favorite movie?" We pretended we were from Alabama and listened to country music while driving through the "country." It was exceedingly refreshing.

When guys are planning a date for a girl that they are really really interested in, they really have to think out every single detail. I wanted lots of talking time, something creative, but not too weird. Something the Charmer hadn’t done before, but not something that would leave her thinking I was crazy. I ended up taking her to the Provo Airport where we could watch planes land and pretend we knew people. (Thank you. Thank you very much.) The Alabama thing was spontaneous :). We walked around the best park in Provo and had a refreshingly deep conversation about our life’s dreams and wishes. I liked that. And then……she started talking about her love life. I think I’m different than most guys, so I didn’t mind too much. After all, this date was still under the assumption that she was about to date someone else. It was good to know where I stood in the triangle AKA not in it yet, but I wouldn’t totally recommend spilling the details of who you kissed last week on every first date ;).
We got ice cream, had a goodnight, and I assured her that I’d be pushing for a second date in the near future.

Oh, and I sort of invited myself over to his house for dinner on Sunday...and I had a really good time with him (again).

Ah, the beauty of a well-placed text. She took the bait. And “invited herself”. Remember Hitch? You go 90, she’ll go 10, and think it was her idea. Mwahaha.

You little punk! :p

Well, turns out this is actually going to end up being a 2-part post, since this one is already incredibly long. But don't worry; next week I'll be sure to let you back into Mr. Dir's mind to finish up the story!
And if you liked this, let me know! Because there are other posts of mine about which Mr. Dir has had something to say.
(Oh, and if you didn't guess...yeah, he knows about the blog)

Toodles,
The Charmer

Respect for right conduct is felt by every body.

2012-01-20T14:51:00.000-07:00

Respect for right conduct may be felt by every body, but respect for personal space is rarely felt by a certain gentleman of my acquaintance.The Drive-By Hugger orbits The Frenzy of Five like an over-zealous electron. When The Drive-By Hugger walks in the door, all sense of propriety (on his part, with perhaps a small dose of encouragement on my part) promptly dives out the window. The Drive-By Hugger aggravatingly provokes me to be completely over-the-top flirty, and he is unfortunately the sort of man that one loves to flirt with but whom one does not wish to date/marry (because the two are synonymous you know).

The Drive-By Hugger and I have developed a sort of game with one another. Well, I suppose it is much less like a game and much more like a sickening explosion of bottled-up flirtatious energy. (See what happens when I attempt to repress my "coquettishness"?). After sacrament meeting, I stand at the back of the chapel idling away the time before Sunday School begins, and I see The Drive-By Hugger approaching suavely with that devil-may-care glint in his eye. I focus my attention more intently on a friend--who is chatting about the hymns being played to slow or that Sunday School is too boring--and try to stave off the pre-teen excitement that mounts as he steps closer. He gets my attention, and I immediately stick out my hand for a handshake, which he refuses and pulls me into his 6'4" frame. This same game happens every Sunday without fail. Sometimes we play on the weekdays, but it is mostly reserved for the Sabbath.

Now the reason I have labeled this man as The Drive-By Hugger (The D.B.H.) is because once he has hugged me (or any other woman for that matter) he simply walks away without so much as a "How are you?" or "How was your week?" It's as though he just needs a quick fix, and then he's on his way, leaving a trail of shattered hearts behind him. Except for me. I know his game. I play his game. In fact we play this game with each other so well that several members of our ward have approached me to ask if we are dating.

This Sunday however, The D.B.H. took things to the next level. After sacrament meeting, we played our usual game of "Handshake vs. Bear Hug" and parted ways for Sunday School. Prior to Relief Society, The D.B.H. was talking to a fellow sister I needed to talk to about some ward function, so I sauntered over. I made my business quick and was about to leave when The D.B.H. pulled me in for another rumor-starting hug. Then he had the nerve to up the ante. Instead of just walking away as usual, The D.B.H. pulled my face towards his, and planted one on me. An eskimo kiss that is. (You really thought he was going to kiss me at church? Don't be vulgar.) Before I could register that the sacred nose to nose barrier had been thoroughly violated in front of no less than fifty ward members, The D.B.H. was already in Elders Quorum.

Eskimo kissing is just something I do not do (nor have ever done), and something that I definitely do not do at church. I may be avoiding The D.B.H. for a few weeks.

So that is how I was violated at church and lost my membership in the V.N.C. (Virgin Nose Club) all in one day.

Con Amor,
The Coquette

Rule #1: You come to me

2012-01-18T21:17:00.000-07:00

For your update on last week's post, I've been playing it cool with Awkward Pants. I saw him a couple times this week and just said a quick hello. I also included him on a mass text for a last minute game night (thanks for the suggestion!) ...but... he didn't come. I'm choosing to believe that he already had something going on. I think I need to be forward with him at a snail's pace if this is going to work.

In the meantime, what I really need to do is increase the amount of guys that I meeting. I'm a big believer that dating is largely a numbers game (this is another sales analogy, apparently I use them all the time); you meet as many people as you can, and eventually you'll find one that you like and who likes you back. My struggle right now is how to increase said numbers. I currently work full time and my part time classes are all independent study, so I'm totally unplugged from the typical BYU environment. That being said, I've decided that my best bet at meeting dudes is at institute, because my stake has a pretty good turnout .

Now for my dilemma- how to approach these guys. Our institute is really crowded and feels a little like we're a bunch of cattle that have been herded into a tiny enclosure. You have to sneak by, bump and knock people to get anywhere. I would love to use this as an opportunity for a serendipitous moment, but instead I end up nervously shuffling past all these good looking men to go talk to people I feel safe and comfortable with. Bah! This always makes me wish I had some cool, slick way to "hit on them". I've toyed with the (probably really awful) idea of making little business cards that say "I find you attractive, if the feeling is mutual, please call The Closer at 555-555-1234". Yes, yes, I know that is terribly un-coy. Oh bother, what to do. I simply get immobilized by Analysis Paralysis.

You know what this has made me realize?

Girls are not meant to do the approaching.

I'm sorry fellas, but I think there must be some gender rooted logic in the cultural expectation of men putting themselves on the altar first. Whenever a guy comes up to talk to me, I am a killer flirt, and almost always seal the deal with him getting my number (i.e.Texty McTexterson). On the other hand, if I am the one initiating the conversation, I am immediately plagued with self doubt and insecurity. This is what my mind does to me, I imagine him thinking:

"Oh boy, can somebody say marriage hungry?"
"Maybe if I stand reallllly still, she won't see me"
"Danger, danger, exit strategy needed!"
"It's like I can hear her biological clock ticking"
"Nod and smile... hmm... I still need to do laundry... nah, my clothes don't smell that bad yet... oh oops, she's still talking"

There's this video that I love about the difference between men and women's brains, and it talks about how men's brains are composed of a bunch of little boxes where only one is open at a time, and women's brains are composed of a big ball of wire that never stops and everything is connected to everything. That analogy nails it. Please just put us out of our misery and come talk to us first. If we reject you it might hurt at first but then you can take that hurt and stick it in a box and avoid thinking about it (mostly). For women, it just swirls around and around in our minds constantly inhibiting our confidence and flirtatious nature. If we're willing to put all of this effort into looking lovely, letting us know that we did a good job (by approaching us) is a pretty fair trade off.

Maybe guys are already good at this and I just smell really funky and no one has had the heart to tell me. Or maybe I'm so incredibly good looking that all of them are too intimidated (yeah, you're right, it's definitely the latter). Am I alone in this frustration, or can I get an "amen!"?

Yours Truly,

The Closer

Another Fabulous DATE Contest!

2012-01-17T22:38:00.010-07:00

First off, for any of you who are on the hunt for Featherstone McGee, he just passed my office and waved at me. I totally could have claimed that free dinner. Ha ha ha.

Secondly, I had a pseudo-date with Colonel Paisley last week in which we worked out all the details for a little contest that I think some of you may be very excited about. That’s right, you now have a chance to….

….WIN A DATE WITH COLONEL PAISLEY!

(Before we go any further, I must point out that it was quite strange to be discussing my boyfriend on what felt very much like a date with a different boy. Because yes, Paisley just happens to know Mr. Dir. In fact, he actually told me an amusing story about stalking him around the Wilk during his freshman year.)

Anyway, where was I?

Ah yes.

YOU CAN WIN A DATE WITH COLONEL PAISLEY!

Here’s the breakdown from Paisley himself:

The Interest
Who is Colonel Paisley? One of you lucky readers gets to find out! And then you get to decide if he's really as exciting as he seems. Maybe he's boring. Maybe he's charming. Maybe he looks like a dweeb. Who knows? You will. The Charming Paisley Coalition proudly presents a second date competition! Mostly because of reader request.

The Appeal
A... date with Colonel Paisley. I just said... never mind. This date will be on January 27th and will be getting a fantastic dinner consisting of your favorite food and going to see The Merchant of Venice. (Colonel Paisley will pick you up at 5:23 pm and you can be assured that it will not be a marathon date)

The Action
Filling out questionnaires are for online surveys about winning "free" iPads and then getting incessant phone calls from marketers who want to give you "free" stuff for only $7 a week for a year. Who wants to answer plain ol' questions? Blah blah blah. Just kidding, Featherstone, you know I love you.

Here's the questionnaire, but instead of merely responding, I invite you to let your creative juices flow! For bonus points, write me a short story, an epic poem, a Dr. Suessish tale, iambic pentameters, limericks -- whatever you like! As long as you have fun and show your creativity. (I think that if you choose this approach, you don't have to address ALL of the questions)

Or...okay. You can go ahead and just answer the questions.

Your name [of course]
Favorite font (I’ll give you a hint: He told me he doesn’t want a “Comic Sans” girl)
Height
Left- or right-handed
Guilty pleasure food
Your favorite joke [can be included separate from the poem if it is long]
A reference to one of your favorite songs, e.g. “but the man there said the music wouldn’t play” [bonus points if you can name the song]
Your idea of fun
Favorite genre of movie
Favorite Christlike attribute
You and science – friends or foes?
Life – serious work or fun game?
Manliest man you know – in your own life, from movies, from modern culture, wherever. Explain briefly.
City or country?
Cats or dogs?
One [or more] weird quirk that you’re secretly proud of [for me, I like to walk on tiles like a knight in chess – two spaces forward and one step sideways. I also don’t step on sidewalk cracks.]
Your idea of a perfect date in 15 words [yes, I’m obviously borrowing some questions from Featherstone’s questionnaire]
Your life passion(s)
Write me a haiku
On a scale from Harpo Marx to Danny Kaye, how quick, witty, or clever are you? [Feel free to interpret that scale however you wish]

EDIT: Please also include your age/year in school and location (aka Provo, Orem, etc.)

Well ladies...there you are! You'll have a week...until next Tuesday, the 24th at 10:13 pm to get your applications in! Turn them into colpaisley@gmail.com...and best of luck! Last time we did this, things turned out very well for our lucky lady. Maybe you'll have a similar experience! Maybe not. But remember, even if there's no spark and you don't get married...you will forever have the satisfaction of knowing that you won a date via the Anti-Austen blog. (It's one of those things you tell your grandkids.)

SO...get those creative juices flowing!

Kisses,
The Charmer

Nothing Ever Fatigues me, but doing what I do not like –Mansfield Park

2012-01-15T19:42:00.002-07:00

Since returning from Christmas break two of my roommate’s guy friends have been frequenting our house. Every time they come over I politely exchange a couple words of chit chat, then left. After all I don’t want to be that roommate who takes over all conversations with her roommates friends. For two weeks they've “been in our neighborhood” and decided it would be rude not to stop by wink wink. For some reason it never occurred to me that their purposes went beyond the need to chatter endlessly.

After another lengthy visit from our neighborhood roving friends my roommate got a text from one of the fellows. “Is the Blue Stocking dating anyone?” And then my roommate, without my knowledge, went against girl code and gave him my number. Now I need to clarify. There is nothing wrong with this boy. In fact, he is very nice. The reasons I didn’t like him were due to the fact that he believes he is the bee’s knees. Every time he came to chat he was gloating about his most recent achievements and how impeccable he was at one thing or another.

Arrogance annoys me. Awkward I can do. I can even handle creepy to some extent. But arrogance will not be dealt with kindly.

I got his call and a date was set. Ice Skating.

I love ice skating in fact, just the week before I was wishing that I could go ice skating with a guy. It’s a real dream come true…

The real beauty behind the ice skating was I thought there was no way the date could be extended beyond two hours. After all who skates for more than two hours right? O boy was I wrong.

He picked me up and we headed to his place where we met the other couple. It was here that we began to make our own dinner. I quite like this idea of cooking and getting to know each one another and the other couple was a hoot. Then a very strange thing happened. There was a knock at the door and without the request being answered by the owners, a girl stepped in, found her way to the couch, and turned on a basketball game. Not kidding. The four of us just sat there.

My date whispered an introduction, saying the girl was a friend of theirs and she didn’t have TV. But still I was befuddled. Did she not realize she was a mere two feet away from a double date? So we talked over the basketball game and started the customary round of twenty questions. Midway through asking my date about his family the couch girl walked up to the kitchen table and started preparing a plate for herself. Baffled. I was baffled. It took every ounce of me not to burst out laughing.

Now we were entering into hour three and off to the rink. As we hit the ice my date very smoothly glided towards me and grabbed my hand. I looked down at his audacious hand and then up to his sheepish grin. His response to my bemused glare was he didn’t want me to fall…cute. Little did he know the only one in danger of smacking their head on the ice was this fool boy if he intended to put anymore moves on me.

We went around a couple of times before I slipped my hand out of his grasp, assuring him I was stable enough at this point. We continued talking until my date tired of my slow inexperienced pace and ever so rudely took off without me. Every once in a while he would shout an unrecognizable comment my way as he darted by.

Instead of being upset, I enjoyed the freedom of separation, realizing that I had no interest in this ever wandering boy. We actually didn’t start ice skating together again until he found me on the side of the rink gorging myself on donuts and hot chocolate…classy. He once again took my hand and we were back on the ice. At this point in the date we were on hour 5. Hour 5! I was exhausted my feet were exhausted and our conversation was exhausted.

After making very subtle comments about my damaged feet, he decided it was time to call it a night.

When I woke up on Saturday I ruled out a second date. I felt our marathon had proved that I was not interested and his nomadic ways agreed with that conclusion. To my surprise he texted my roommate “Do you think the Blue Stocking would want to date me?”

Date him? I barely knew him. Her reply was a gently yet firm “no.”

Which is why I was even more surprised when he called me later that day. And then I gently yet firmly declined a relationship with this boy.

10 bucks says I see him every day at school from now on

Toujours,

The Blue Stocking

Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance.

2012-01-14T15:21:00.001-07:00

Last Sunday, I was enjoying a family dinner at my aunt's home. Her house was simply teeming with rambunctious children and bickering adults, a setting which is familiar and dare I say, even comfortable. Being the youngest of my siblings and one of the youngest amongst my cousins, I am accustom to being the only single adults within any number of proximal miles. However, this particular Sunday dinner, as I stepped inside the house and was greeted with kisses on my cheek and embraces about my knees (from nephews), I noticed a pair of bespectacled eyes gazing at me from across the room which belonged to a friend of my cousin's. Apparently I was not the only single adult this night.

Although we were not immediately introduced, throughout the course of dinner, I would notice (and feel) Mr. Spectacles' eyes upon me. Mr. Spectacles is not an unattractive man, and yet I still could not decided whether I was flattered or just generally creeped out by his quiet but somewhat intense attention. After dinner, at an rare moment in the evening when I wasn't being wrestled by excitable moppets, Mr. Spectacles sought me out and began a conversation. The conversation wasn't bad, however, I was quick to notice how nervous he seemed around me and the slight awkwardness which emanated from his person. I was not surprised when Mr. Spectacles asked for a date, and since I did not find Mr. Spectacles creepy in a potential date rape sort of way, just in a general awkward way, I accepted his offer. I am one who firmly believes in giving others the benefit of the doubt, or at least an opportunity to prove me wrong. Which is sometimes less wise than it seems.

Eventually, Mr. Spectacles left and I too decided to take leave of my riotous family. I thanked my aunt for her hospitality and she hugged me, kissed my cheeks, and then held my face in her hands (while pinching my cheeks together into what must have been a very attractive expression), "Mr. Spectacles is such a good man!" she exclaimed. "I am just so excited for you! You know, I met and married your uncle when I was your age and he was Mr. Spectacles age. It's fate!" I blinked in wonderment at the marriage plot which had wriggled its way into my evening without my knowledge and fled from the place before my wedding colors were chosen.

Earlier this week, Mr. Spectacles picked me up for our date. Knowing that we were going to dinner, I had prepared myself to sit through a possibly very long evening. Naturally, I am a believer in one-hour maximum first dates, and so I was not feeling very optimistic, but I put on a brave face despite my reluctance. Conversation during dinner was much like Sunday night's. My forced smile and laughter, his bashful and somewhat uncomfortable discussion. After dinner he proposed that we go get ice cream. I theorized that Mr. Spectacles was trying to fatten me up so that if I needed to run away, there was no way I would be able to. "Do you mind if we share a blizzard?" he asked innocently. I didn't wish to demand that he spend twice as much just to quell my sometimes nonsensical fears of the flu, mononucleosis, or HIV, so I quietly nodded in agreement. Due to my hesitancy to share a cold cup of potentially life-threatening diseases with a near stranger, I took a few bites of the ice cream before he could really dig in and declined the rest claiming to be quite full from dinner, which of course was not a fallacy.

However, I believe that I may have to give up on feeling relieved when men drive me home after dates, because somehow even though I can see my front door or even be inside my apartment, men somehow find ways to drag these dates on and on. Before I could even express my thanks for the date, Mr. Spectacles had asked if he could come in. I do not even know if I said anything, but either way, Mr. Spectacles was inside my apartment in a heartbeat. My roommates were scattered about the living room watching a movie, so Mr. Spectacles planted himself on the couch and patted the seat next to him. Because I am not one to make a scene, I slumped onto the couch wishing that the movie was almost over rather than having just started.

Ever so slowly, Mr. Spectacles edged his hand onto his knee into "the position" wherein I could be bold and grab it or ever so slightly (and flirtatiously) touch it with my pinky if I had any inclination to play the hand-holding game. As I did not, I folded my arms tightly across my chest where it would take the steel jaws of death to wrench my arms apart. Unfortunately, as I concentrated on keeping my person confined to my section of the couch, I was oblivious to the fact that slowly my roommates began to disappear until Mr. Spectacles and I were the only living human beings in the apartment. I made a mental note to throttle my roommates when they returned home. After about an hour of uncomfortable silence, eyebrow wiggling and winking on the part of Mr. Spectacles, and cold dread on my part, Mr. Spectacles went home.

It was not a full hour before I began receiving texts from Mr. Spectacles in which he communicated his admiration for my physical beauty (*guffaw*) as well as his intentions to see me again and hopefully begin a serious relationship within the coming weeks. Unfortunately for him, but fortunately for me I had to decline his generous offer. My only serious worry is that my aunt will never speak to me again, but for my own well-being, I am not about to marry Mr. Collins. 2.0. It appears as though I might be having Sunday dinners on my own from now on.

Con Amor,

The Coquette

Ladies and gentleman, the one and only Featherstone McGee.

2012-01-13T12:17:00.001-07:00

Dear Readers,

Featherstone McGee is once again single (and will now be switching to the first-person perspective). I half-heartedly apologize for not providing you with a plethora of details about the relationship, but the truth is simply this: I don’t want to. This part of my life has been very personal to me and I do not wish to share it with the general public. I hope that you understand. I did join the Anti-Austen thinking that it would be exciting to anonymously share my dating life with the world. It turns out that when I find something good, I prefer to keep it close.

Coming up with something to write about has been very difficult. I’ve sat down at my computer several times with the intent to write something for my one January post. Many thoughts have crossed my mind, including, among several possible topics, the words “give up Featherstone McGee entirely” and “reveal your identity to the world”. Don’t worry. I won’t be leaving you forever (I hope).

I’ve settled on this: I will be taking a hiatus of an undetermined length. I need to plunge myself back into the complex dating world of BYU. I will be back when my passion for dating has been restored. You see, I just can’t write about something that I’m not passionate about. Until I return, feel free to email me at Featherstone.McGee@gmail.com. Ask me anything. I feel like telling you more about me, but, as in life, I’m not quite sure where to start. I would like to get to know more of the wonderful readers that frequent the Anti-Austen.

I know that I need to start dating again, but the desire is lacking. I recently received the advice to jump back into the dating world, so I’m going to give that a shot. The desire won’t come from sitting on my couch, watching all of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies on Bluray or laughing at the first three seasons of Big Bang Theory. The desire will come from doing. The desire will come from successes and failures and experiencing life (hey look, I managed to weave some semi-useful advice into this).

Also, as a little game, I’m leaving “Featherstone McGee was here” tags on whiteboards in the Wilk. There’s no objective to this game – I just get bored at work. Be kind to employees at the Wilk! You never know which one is me!

Sincerely,
Featherstone McGee

P.S. If you can find me I’ll buy you dinner (I don’t expect anyone to actually try, but the offer is out there)!

Awkward moments with a freckle-armed man.

2012-01-11T12:37:00.000-07:00

I still haven't heard anything from Texty McTexterson, so I think I can officially consider that bullet dodged. *phew!

Warning: I am about to tell you a very uneventful story, that was the eventful moment of my week. I'm really hoping that you can relate.

Okay, so. There is this boy in my ward, Awkward Pants, and I think he is so very handsome. He has this kind face, with big strong hands, and freckles on his arms. I love that for some reason, freckles on arms. When I first moved into this ward I could have sworn he thought I was hot stuff, I caught him looking at me all the time. He seemed really shy and had never ventured to talk to me, but I caught his stare pretty frequently. Eventually he had to talk to me because our callings collided, and now almost every time he's talked to me, it's been about "business" matters. I call him Awkward Pants because we cannot seem to have a conversation that is not incredibly awkward. One- since I have this awful crush on him, he makes me nervous, and two- I must make him nervous also, because it's like we are both robots that are desperately in need of some WD-40. Hi- how- are- you-? I- am- fine. I- like- your- bangs. Thank- you.

It's awful. BUT- with my lovely New Year's resolution to flirt more, I am determined to start having real conversations! Enter my Plan of Action: On Sunday I decided to make a big dinner and invite a bunch of random friends over, all with the goal of inviting him too without seeming too forward. Guess what?

I DID IT.

And he came. And sat by me. And we talked. And it wasn't about business. And it was only about half as awkward as usual. And I still think he's oh-so-handsome. *dreamy sigh

Okay maybe you think I'm lame now, I would too, but the funny thing is that I feel SO accomplished. Going on a date with him is so far out of the realm of expectations right now, that I feel wholly satisfied with the current status. He is shy enough that I'm convinced we need to be much more comfortable with one another before it could go anywhere. I wrote before about "assuming the sale", and I promise I'm trying to take my own advice. I have decided that of course he likes me, I just need to make it as easy as possible for him to do something about it.

Here's where I need your help- I've been mulling over ideas for what to try and do next Sunday, or the next time I see him. Should I go talk to him every time I see him? Some of the time? Invite him over for a game night? Tell him how incredibly good looking I think he is? (ha-ha yeah right, not doing that, but I've envisioned doing it in my mind and it's a hoot!) Ideas please!

Yours Truly,

The Closer

Love at Third Sight

2012-01-10T17:07:00.009-07:00

Ah, love at first sight. What person hasn't wished at least once in their life that they could experience it?

I have to confess that today I'm basically going to be stealing this post from something Mr. Director wrote. I know, I know, I shameless. But the truth is I've been so flustered trying to get my schedule to work that I have very limited brain capacity left for creative endeavors, such as blogging.
(Oh, and if anyone plays flute in University Orchestra and would like to drop the class, that action would be greatly appreciated by myself so that I can get out of here in April instead of June. I am one performance credit short for my minor. One.)

Anyway, back to love at first sight.

I, for one, don't think it exists.

Once upon a time I was a terribly romantic girl who had never been in love nor even held a boy's hand and I believed the things I read in Sarah Dessen books and saw in early 21st-century chick flicks. That must be how it works, I thought. One day, I'd see a boy with chocolate-brown eyes and tousled cinnamon-brown hair and I would just know. Because the fact that the hair was "gently tousled" would give it away. Obviously.

It also didn't help that I was raised on Saturday's Warrior. There was a time in my life when I'm pretty sure I honestly believed that I had a soul mate and that I would be walking across a crowded sidewalk at BYU one day, we would make eye contact, and we would just know. Life would slow down as strains of music, audible to only the two of us, would start playing from who-knows-where and we would both break into a slow ballade and choreographed dance.

Now, if this phenomenon were to occur, it would definitely be at BYU. But I've come to the grand realization that life doesn't work that way. And love at first sight--I really don't think it exists.

Sure, I believe in attraction at first sight and I'd-like-to-get-to-know-you-better at first sight. Or even the I-feel-like-something-could-happen-with-you at first sight. But love? Nah.

However, I might believe in love at third sight.

In October of 2010, I was invited to attend a dinner for one of the grad programs on campus. They invited people with the top GPAs in their colleges and I'd say there were 40-50 people who ended up attending. I sat down at a table and started talking to the people there, only to notice a couple minutes later that one of my friends was sitting at a table just across the room (it was actually Cute James, if any of you remember him) . Recognizing that it would be rude to leave the people I was currently sitting with, I stayed put. The dinner ended up being kind of disappointing, as the people at my table were boring and the food wasn't even that great. Anyways, the important thing is that after the dinner I walked across campus with Cute James. There was also some other guy with Cute James, and I don't remember much about him except that we chatted about Young Ambassadors and a mutual friend Cat.

And that was that, right? I actually completely forgot about it until just recently when I found out that Mr. Director attended the same dinner. And that he sat at the table with Cute James. And that he walked with Cute James across campus afterwards. And that he remembered there was a girl walking with him and James. And that HE REMEMBERED TALKING TO THE GIRL ABOUT YOUNG AMBASSADORS AND HIS FRIEND CAT.

We TALKED! A year before Mr. Director and I started dating, we met each other and even had a conversation... and then promptly forgot about each other. There was no spark, no chemistry.
And then when we met again for the second time, I definitely thought he was cute...but I still wasn't interested.
It wasn't love at first sight. In fact, it wasn't even love at second sight. It wasn't until his third time running into me that he knew he was interested. (And I have to confess it took a couple more times to win me over. Haha.)

The morals of my little tale are as follows:

1. You never know who you're running into. It goes back to the whole "don't judge a book by its cover" thing. You can't know after meeting someone once how they might change your life.

2. Our lives really are guided. Mr. Dir and I started dating really quickly because it felt right. I don't think I would have been ready to date him a year ago--I was in a very volatile on/off relationship with The Ex and Mr. Dir was about to start the longest relationship of his life. Those experiences shaped both of us, especially in regards to what we expect from relationships. What if we'd experienced that magical "love at first sight" moment? Maybe it would have worked out. But maybe we weren’t supposed to date yet because God knew we both still had a lot of growing to do before we met each other. After all, God does know what he's doing. If we trust His timing, things will work out.

3. Love at first sight? Pshaw. Save it for the movies.

Kisses,
The Charmer

PS- If any of you actually do have some real-life "first sight" tales, please share them!
PPS- I think Mr. Director is rather attractive.

Resolutions and Rantings

2012-01-08T23:58:00.003-07:00

Now is the season of resolutions and the nerdy quote lover within begs me to pick a phrase that typifies the focus for my new year.

As always Jane was the perfect go to.

"I will be calm. I will be mistress of myself" - Sense and Sensibility

I love this idea of being calm. I want to go through life unruffled. I no longer want to be the silly girl hiding in the library because some guy had the audacity to like someone as crazy as me. I no longer want to be the frightened girl who panics at the thought of not get married….or getting married gulp.

I want to be serene, composed, and at peace.

I swear I was not always this foolish. For most of my life the dating world was a distance and hilarious land, one that I visited on occasion, but left before dating could consume my life. And now BYU has me in a tizzy.

So I refuse to give into the madness. Whether I date or not, I will be calm. I will be happy. I will enjoy life and fully value the wonderful people I’m meeting through my various escapades.

Now I ask you to join me. This year will be grand because we say so. It will not be ruled by some outside source {perhaps dating...} that we look to to validate our lives.

We will be mistresses {and misters} of ourselves and our own happiness.

-The Blue Stocking

P.S Please don't use this post against me when my crazy starts acting up. I fully intend on trying to keep it under control this year, but it's mighty powerful...

Little rubs and disappointments.

2012-01-05T12:07:00.002-07:00

This night, I feel very much like Emma Woodhouse. If only I had a fine nightgown like Gwyneth Paltrow in which I could sit and write this post in the utmost comfort. I suppose my sweats will have to do, although I am sure Emma would never be caught dead in them. I suppose I must do my best to not be caught...or to die...

The Frenzy of Five grows ever smaller I am afraid. And since the new semester has barely begun, there are no others in which to take the place of those who have unfortunately fallen out of my liking.

Tonight, I only wish to discuss Mr. Rival. Mr. Rival as you all know has been somewhat bothersome. Perhaps you do not know that because perhaps I failed to tell you. I will tell you now. Mr. Rival has been somewhat bothersome. While Mr. Rival was serving the Lord in other regions, we became faithful pen pals. However, when he returned home, our correspondence became much less habitual. We exchanged pleasantries, promised to see each other as soon as possible and maintained contact via phone calls, text messages, and the ever-reliable Facebook. Unfortunately, these communications were few and far between.

But things were looking up as I made my way home for this cheerful Christmas Break, Mr. Rival began to text me, asking when I would be home, when we could see each other etc. Enough of such questions led me to believe that something just might happen between the two of us this break.

The Coquette arrived home and after a joyous reunion (that was two years in the making), a date was planned.

All was going well, until Mr. Rival admitted that he had started dating Miss Fairfax two months ago. That's right. The Coquette was "Frank Churchilled." I put on a brave face and pretended that this was the best news I had ever received. Mr. Rival did not notice that my excitement was highly exaggerated, as he was much too relieved that I did not simply break down in heart-wrenching sobs. (But one of The Coquette's best qualities that is absolutely impossible for her to cry in front of men when such situations arise). So Mr. Rival and I are continuing our seemingly friendly relationship minus any and all romantic interest.

But like Emma, I have refused to let this slight setback upset me. Perhaps Mr. Rival is not the one for me. Alright, so not perhaps. Mr. Rival is not the one for me, and I am not the one for him. And I, The Coquette, am alright with that.

As always, our dear Jane Austen always has the perfect words to describe what I simply cannot:

"There will be little rubs and disappointments everywhere, and we are all apt to expect too much; but then, if one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better: we find comfort somewhere."

Never fear my friends, as disappointing as it is for one to be eliminated from the Frenzy of Five (especially one to whom I was especially close), there are always other more promising romantic interests to look forward to. And who knows, with the way I feel about men, the Frenzy of Five may just turn into the Terror of Twenty.

Con Amor,
The Coquette

Slow Your Roll

2012-01-04T12:10:00.001-07:00

Hip hip hooray for 2012! May this be a more fruitful year of dating than those previous!

Let me begin by letting you know that when the Anti-Austens invited me to join them, I was thrilled. Then very shortly thereafter I was intimidated, and then concerned. I realized that I likely don't go on as many dates as these lovely ladies, so if I am going to have anything to write about, I'm really going to need to step up my game! Therefore- 2012 has now become my year to be the world's biggest flirt. I've already had to pump myself up by rehearsing "do it for the blog!" in my mind, so I hope you readers know that you are already making me gutsier. Thanks to this newly discovered source of courage and my corresponding attempts to toss inhibition to the wind, I have a story for you. Well two, I don't know, we'll see how many this turns into.

Christmas break. It was uneventful, and short, but it was far from Provo and that was a lovely change. I flew back early for a good friend's wedding and I love flying, because I really monopolize on forced proximity to others. On the flight home I put on my game face and selected a seat next to a handsome young man. I flirted with him gooood. I put on my jacket right as I sat down and, oh excuse me, "accidentally" bumped his leg a little (break touch barrier, check). I noticed he was reading Steve Job's biography and had an iPhone. "Oh hello AppleFanBoy, what are you reading there?" (initiate conversation, check). Ask about what he does for a living, followed by asking alllll about his current business venture (act super interested in everything he has to say, check). I employed a variety of other classic techniques- convincingly laugh at all of his jokes, express being impressed with several things about him, repetitive but slight touching of arm or knee, consistent smiling, etc. This guy was loving it, and I was reveling in my success. Too bad he's not LDS and doesn't live in Utah, but hey, it got my confidence engine started up.

Let's fast forward to my good friend's wedding. It was in between Christmas and New Years so the guests were about 90% family, and about 90% married, I felt like the 19th wheel most of the day. At the reception the groom came up and introduced his friend Texty McTexterson. I'm a litter taller than average, Texty McTexterson is tall too, and we're just about the only single people there. Very quickly the groom abandons us and I decide to, once again, put on my game face and git 'er done. Texty McTexterson seems nice, sort of funny, and he came highly recommended by said groom, whom I am very fond of since his engagement to my dear friend. I was definitely willing to give him a shot. He found me a couple of times throughout the evening and eventually got my number. Bravo good sir, I'm proud of you! He texted me shortly after leaving the reception, and I was flattered at his interest and impressed that he wasn't scared to show that interest. Then... he kept texting, and texting, and invited me over that night. I politely declined. Then he texted in the morning, throughout that entire day, and invited me over again. I politely declined. He had also called and invited me on a date for that weekend, which I was still willing to accept. In the three days between meet and date, we had exchanged over 120 text messages and he had invited me over four times, all of which were politely declined. Dear Texty McTexterson, I am not your girlfriend, I also have a life, slow your roll please. By the time our scheduled date came around I was pretty fed up with him, but trying really hard to be positive and to have a good time- really hard.

Things not to do on a first date:
-Show up 20 minutes late
-Ask her where she wants to eat without providing any options
-Talk about how spiritual you are for extended periods of time
-Talk about how much you love penguins
-Talk about how much you want to get married
-Ask why it's okay for girls to hold hands but not guys
-Talk about your mission non stop even though you've been home for several years
-Talk about the many women's fashions that you detest
-Talk about how much you detest wearing pants
-Talk about how your last girlfriend didn't like the excessive flatulence of you and your brothers

Yes, in case it wasn't clear, these are all things that Texty McTexterson did. It really wasn't the worst date I've ever been on, it was definitely tolerable- I think there were even moments when I enjoyed myself- but I would describe my feelings throughout as annoyed. I have decided that the funniest moment on the date was upon having lunch at a restaurant and the tab being set on the table, he picked it up and then looked really puzzled, and asked how he was supposed to pay. I told him that you just put card in the folder and they'll come get it. ... ...really? It was like he had never been anywhere but fast food restaurants. Overall, the date consisted of listening to him talk at me about everything from his church calling to his mother. That, and constantly trying to fidget away from him being touchy feely.

For those of you who are wondering, Texty McTexterson did not receive a post date text.

Here's to hoping that the next time I try to be a flirt it doesn't backfire on me! *Clinks glass

Cheers!

The Closer

A Tale of a Break

2012-01-03T11:10:00.012-07:00

As I sit here at the computer, taking a break from trying to arrange my miserably screwed-up class schedule to write a blog post, I gaze out the window at the mountain-less horizon that reminds me I am far from home. Mr. Director's gently sloping backyard is covered in a layer of powdery snow, despite the fact that it didn't snow at all until yesterday. It seems absurd that this break is already over and that I have to jump back into doing school tomorrow. Did I really just spend 8 days here? Did time really fly that quickly?

I laugh at something that Ms. Performer says. She was the other-girlfriend-brought-home-over-break/my partner in crime this past week, and we were so grateful to be going through this together! All my fears vanished the second we stopped off the plane together to greet our boys. Now we sit here, both struggling with our winter semester schedules and intermittently taking breaks to discuss our respective relationships. Our boys have both left for their airplanes back to Provo and we won't follow them out for a few more hours still.

Then I glance down at the ring on my finger and smile.

Yes, it really is quite lovely. A pink flower and a pearl.
I love my cheap Forever 21 rings.

No no, I'm not engaged. Obviously.
But I sure hope I at least got a gasp out of some of you. Ha! I'm terrible, aren't I?

Anyways, this break has been quite fabulous. So fabulous, in fact, that I didn't write a blog post and I didn't answer any emails and I hardly got on Facebook and I didn't order any textbooks and I didn't figure out my class schedule yet. I'm not quite ready to head back into real life. I like it here.

I had a fun time with Mr. Director and his family. They are all so great! I loved watching him interact with them, especially because the little ones just adore and idolize him so much. It was also fun to see the people who helped shape him; I liked being able to figure out how he became the person he is now. And, despite the fact that we were going to be the "cool" couple and resist any outlandish displays of affection, I must confess that by the end of the week there was a handful of little boys wrinkling their noses at us every time we tried to steal a kiss. (Whoops.)

The only casualties this week: one broken pinky finger (his mom), one sprained ankle (his brother-in-law), a bruise the size of Rhode Island (me), and an occasional bout of crying (the little guys). We had quite the exciting week. Soccer, kickball, Super Smash Bros, wallyball, basketball, football, frisbee, and slaughterball were all on the agenda...as you might guess, there are a lot of boys in this house. The girls found time to escape for some girls' nights, too, which was fun. I'm currently sporting a fabulous sparkly pedicure. I also have spent hours upon hours playing this addicting game they got for Christmas called "Betrayal at House on the Hill." There were days when I swear the only thing Mr. Dir and his bro-in-law thought about was that game. I lost count of how many times we played it. In between rounds of Betrayal we also managed to fit in some rounds of Bang!, Harry Potter mafia, and bowling, among other games.

I swear I got like 4 hours of sleep every night. Man I'm tired.

Well, I'm off to pack. I'm crossing my fingers that everything fits into my carry-on bags.

And I promise I'll be back to regularly-scheduled posting soon enough. :)

xoxo,
The Charmer

PS-- It's 2012. Holy cow.

The great “friends” debate: A guest post

2011-12-27T23:11:00.001-07:00

There is an innocent-seeming video lurking somewhere in the depths of the cyber world. I first found it when about 57 of my friends linked it to their Facebook accounts. Since this video has gone viral among the BYU community, received over 4 million hits on YouTube, and since been parodied by Stephen Jones (which, let’s face it, is the only real way of knowing if a video is a true hit or not), I’m assuming y’all have seen it.

For those who actually stuck to their books during finals week and somehow missed this insightful commentary about the lives and loves of Utah’s young adults, here’s the video below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA&feature=related

At risk of sounding too much like a stereotypical girl, I must admit that I watched this video and came out of it full of righteous indignation. Of course men and women can be friends! Why, just this semester I met a lovely boy named Michael Vaughn (yes, named after the Alias character, because he embodies all the character’s wonderful qualities as well as a fair chunk of his good looks). Mr. Vaughn and I spent, oh, about an hour hanging out at the start of semester, discovered several quirks we both happened to share, and promptly fell in love…with the idea of being each other’s best friend. And yes, we really are just friends. He bemoans the fact that he’s too shy to tell his crush how he feels. I suggest that he invites his charming and mysterious friend, Mr. List, around to do stuff with us so I can get to know him better (read: creep on him from across the apartment while sending him telepathic signals that he and I should in fact become an item soon. Le sigh. I really should stop even trying to deny my creeper tendencies). Essentially, when we met each other, we both really needed a best friend—a safe harbor, if you will—and it was wonderful to find someone else in that situation who was able to be exactly what we needed at exactly the right time.

I suppose I can’t really answer the question regarding “Would we be an item if I’d let him,” because in an attempt to keep both my anonymity and my dignity intact, Mr. Vaughn doesn’t at this point know that I’m guest posting for this blog. While I can’t speak for him, there are several reasons why he would likely conclude that a relationship would not work between us (age differences, lifestyle differences, and the fact that we would likely kill each other within a week due to constant bickering over the correct furnace temperature, to name just a few). Because I’m the author of this blog, I get to claim that he wouldn’t choose to be an item even if I would let him, and that he is my friend purely because he enjoys my company, not because there’s anything in it for him.

Armed with this irrefutable argument, I jumped right into the online debate that was consuming the attention of many of my friends (or friends and boys-who-happen-to-exist-in-my-life-because-they’d-date-me-if-I’d-let-them, depending on which side of the line you happen to fall on).

The first name on my chat list to catch my attention was Not-A-Date. Not-A-Date is an amazing fellow, very amiable, thoughtful to those around him, attractive, and just an all-round good guy. He receives his moniker due to the fact that, despite his many good qualities, he often forgets the Three P’s of dating (“planned ahead, paid for, and paired off,” as chanted by an army of young women girls and, on occasion, Dallin H. Oaks). At any rate, Not-A-Date has plenty of excellent opinions about dating, and I knew he’d be up for a good debate.

Ingenue: Not-A-Date! Have you seen that men-and-women-can’t-be-friends vid yet?

Not-A-Date: Haha yeah! Classic stuff right? It’s so true.

Ingenue: Actually, I couldn’t disagree more.

Not-A-Date: AHAHAHA. That’s because you’re a girl.

Ingenue: No, really. I mean, look at us. We’re friends, right? And that’s all we’ve ever been, right?

Not-A-Date: No way. We fail the test because we’ve been on a date.

Wait… what??

Ingenue: … We have?

Not-A-Date: Yeah… remember that time we saw each other at the basketball game? We sat next to each other, we talked, we flirted…

No, Not-A-Date, we really, really didn’t. My group sitting adjacent to your group at the game does not constitute a date.

Ingenue: Oh. Uhh… that wasn’t really a date, Not-A-Date…

Not-A-Date: Well, but I thought you were cute. And I would have held your hand if you’d let me. So we’re totally an example of why guys and girls can’t be friends!

Oookay. So maybe Not-A-Date wasn’t the best person to broach the subject with. I'm stubborn, so I nevertheless persisted. His view, which emerged after several minutes of conversation, was that if a guy and girl even considered the other as a potential dating partner, at any point during the course of their relationship, then they weren’t “just friends” and could thenceforth never be considered as such.

Well, if you’re going by this argument, I think he has a point. It’s only human nature to size someone up as a potential dating partner when you meet them. But what if you come to the conclusion “It’s never going to happen” in a very short period of time (like, say, 0.0045 seconds), and then go on to have a fun, fulfilling, and highly enjoyablefriendship (yes, I went there) for many years afterwards? Does the fact that you even considered them preclude you from being friends? And what about friendships with engaged or married people? I have met several lovely gentlemen who were engaged or married at the point of meeting. In some cases, while I have met the wife or fiancée, she does not figure largely in my friendship with the man (for example, if I am friends with him at work), so it’s not a friendship between me and a couple. And what about friendships with individuals who are much older or younger than yourself, with whom you would never consider a relationship? Are they impossible? Are the opinions expressed on this video purely those of young Utah-based single adult men thinking only about one facet of their lives and ignoring the relationships that exist in other areas?

Personally, I choose to have a little more faith in men than that (potentially highly edited) video chooses to show. I believe that men and women are absolutely capable of being friends and caring, honestly and truly, about the other person without any thought to “What can I possibly get out of this relationship?” While obviously relationships can and should develop out of friendships (*sends telepathic hints furiously in the direction of Mr. List*), I don’t think that’s necessarily what all friendships are predicated upon. And if it is… perhaps we should start focusing on caring about the individual rather than what they could potentially do for us. Seeing them as a child of God instead of just a potential trophy wife or husband. Because, even though LDS culture is so marriage-focused, isn’t the pure love of Christ really what it’s all about?

Well, I’ve opened the gauntlet. Feel free to post your thoughts and impressions about the video below, and we’ll all have a fantastic debate. Meanwhile, I’m off to go make lava cakes with my friend Mr. Vaughn. If he unexpectedly takes me in his arms and declares his undying love for me ‘midst the mixing bowls and preheating oven, I hereby promise to eat all my words and invite y’all to the subsequent wedding.

The Ingenue

Every young lady may feel for my heroine in this critical moment, for every young lady has at some time or other known the same agitation.

2011-12-26T15:24:00.003-07:00

It’s Christmas time! So its home for the holidays, which means you are now surrounded by people who think it’s acceptable to ask you personal questions about your dating life simply because they knew you when you wore diapers. Swell, isn't it.

It’s not that the questions necessarily bother me…o wait they do ha ha.

The thing that’s really annoying about them is I have no answers for these inquisitive people. I don’t know why I don’t have a guy, I can’t pinpoint the reason I dated a tool {so named by my family}, and I have no idea how I've lived without a ring all these years at BYU.

A couple of days ago I was chatting with one of my really good guy friends. And we started talking about how obnoxious these questions are becoming. I told my friend that the biggest problem is I really don’t know what to say when they ask why I don’t have a boyfriend and that’s when he gave me this brilliant answer.

Just tell them you do, it’s easier. Say, “he has a trust fund like you wouldn’t believe. Of course he is handsome and intelligent and spiritual as well. He would be here right now, but he is finishing up a medical mission in Africa to get his application ready for John Hopkins medical school. He should be ok getting in though because his dad just built a wing on their hospital for poor children with cancer. We are incredibly in love.” That should take care of it.

Brilliant!

Then I asked him what I would do when I couldn’t produce this prince charming, this was his response.

"He died in a fiery plane crash over Bangladesh when he was dropping off library books to poor children." Tragic, really.

And that is why we are such good friends.

Now I have my fabulous and shady lie and I wish you the best in coming up with your own…unless you want to go for the more truthful route. Anyhoo, best wishes and Merry Christmas.

-The Blue Stocking

It's Christmas Eve!

2011-12-24T21:52:00.003-07:00

Ah, Christmas Eve! I do hope you're having a fabulous time celebrating with your loved ones. I'm currently watching Christmas movies and eating Christmas cookies while simultaneously drafting a talk for sacrament meeting tomorrow. Even though I don't actually live in my home ward anymore, they somehow talked me into both giving a talk AND playing piano in church tomorrow! Sigh.

And tomorrow afternoon I will be flying out to the magical Midwest to be with Mr. Director so I can...meet the fam!

Oh, don't give me that look! Everyone is making this into a much bigger deal than it really is. People fly across the country all the time to spend a week with their...um...close friends. Who are also of the opposite gender.
Okay okay. So maybe it's a somewhat noteworthy occurrence. But don't get too excited--I'm NOT coming out of this week with a ring on my finger or anything like that.

I am looking forward to endless gaming sessions of Bang!, Scrabble, and Mafia, all while simultaneously trying to be my most charming and gregarious self. Wish me luck! I'm not the only one coming home to meet the family--Mr. Dir's younger brother is also bringing his girlfriend home, and she's lovely and charming as well. In fact, she used to be on Young Ambassadors, so she's also an incredibly gifted singer/dancer. It's a bit intimidating, even for one as seemingly confident as myself.
Oh, don't worry about me. I'm sure things will go just fabulously.

I hope you have a wonderful holiday! For those of you who are interested, Colonel Paisley's date contest is fixing itself up to be quite fantastic! I will say this: You'd better get your creative juices flowing if you want to win. ;)

Well, I'm going to go back to working on my talk and watching Eloise at Christmastime. If you've never seen it, it's one of my favorites. After all, it's about a meddling little girl who breaks up a wedding in the name of true love. Definitely my line of work. ;)

Kisses,
The Charmer

A classy poem from a classy lady so you may have a classy Christmas.

2011-12-24T13:10:00.002-07:00

Come here fond youth, whoe'er thou be,
That boasts to love as well as me ;
And if thy breast have felt so wide a wound,
Come hither and thy flame approve ;
I'll teach thee what it is to love,
And by what marks true passion may be found.

It is to be all bath'd in tears ;
To live upon a smile for years ;
To lie whole ages at a beauty's feet :

To kneel, to languish and implore ;
And still tho' she disdain, adore :
It is to do all this, and think thy sufferings sweet.

It is to gaze upon her eyes
With eager joy and fond surprise ;
Yet temper'd with such chaste and awful fear
As wretches feel who wait their doom ;
Nor must one ruder thought presume
Tho' but in whispers breath'd, to meet her ear.

It is to hope, tho' hope were loft ;
Tho' heaven and earth thy passion crost ;
Tho' she were bright as sainted queens above,
And thou the least and meanest swain
That folds his flock upon the plain,
Yet if thou dar'st not hope, thou dost not love.

It is to quench thy joy in tears :
To nurse strange doubts and groundless fears :
If pangs of jealousy thou hast not prov'd,
Tho' she were fonder and more true
Than any nymph old poets drew,
Oh never dream again that thou hast lov'd.

If when the darling maid is gone,
Thou dost not seek to be alone,
Wrapt in a pleasing trance of tender woe ;
And muse, and fold thy languid arms,
Feeding thy fancy on her charms,
Thou dost not love, for love is nourish'd so.

If any hopes thy bosom share
But those which love has planted there,
Or any cares but his thy breast enthrall,

Thou never yet his power hast known ;
Love sits on a despotic throne,
And reigns a tyrant, if he reigns at all.

Now if thou art so lost a thing,
Here all thy tender sorrows bring,
And prove whose patience longest can endure :
We'll strive whose fancy shall be lost
In dreams of fondest passion most ;
For if thou thus hast lov'd, oh ! never hope a cure.

-Anna Laetitia Barbauld

Merry Christmas to all!
-The Coquette

From a Guest Blogger who really is the bee's knees.

2011-12-21T20:11:00.001-07:00

If any of you have ever worked in sales (top-notch sales lady at your service) you have likely heard the tip to always "assume the sale". Basically this means to assume that your potential customer wants what you are selling and is going to buy it. Whenever I am selling a product, 99% of the time, I know better than the potential customer does why they need/want this product, so it's my job to bring them to that same understanding. You can do the same thing with dating- you know why you are valuable much better than someone who just met you.

Raise your hand if you find it attractive when the guy or girl that you are crushing on is confident? *raises hand. I can't see you, but I know your hand is raised. You probably also added the caveat in your mind that they can't be arrogant, cocky, or conceited. Agreed- all of those attributes are quite unappealing. What I'm talking about is nothing excessive or annoying, it's simply understanding and believing in those things you have to offer.

Coming back to the sales analogies "No" is not something that you ever want to hear, and the same thing goes for dating- rejection has yet to make my list of favorite things. One of your most powerful tools is making yourself believe that no one wants to tell you no, and not making it easy for them to do so. This advice goes for both girls and guys.

Ladies- Keeping with the theme here, we are advertising ourselves (I'm not trying to be crass, but there are some real comparisons to be made here). One, we need to make sure and "advertise" for the kind of buyer that we want, and two, we need to believe that the buyer definitely wants to purchase alllll o' this *snaps fingers with some attitude. There have been times when I have been in potentially awkward situations with guys and repeated in my mind "be cool Closer, be cool, you are a cool person". I'm not lying here- it worked- my nervousness was eased and was able to be myself.

Gents- When you are asking a girl out, or getting her number, or any number of things that put you on the alter, believe that she wants to say yes, heck, she wants you to ask her. No girl wants to say yes and feel like she's throwing you a bone, she wants to feel like she just picked up some prime rib. If you believe that you are that prime rib, she will start to as well. Have you ever tried to convince someone that you can smell something, and eventually they can "smell" it to? (If you haven't you should, it's hilarious). The power of suggestion is a wonderful thing, and by simply believing something in your own mind and acting accordingly, you are suggesting that same thing to others. To give you a tangible example: After talking with a girl that you are interested in tell her "I would love to see you again, what are your plans for Friday?". Do you see what I did there? "No" is not an answer to the question. Also, she already knows that you when you are going to take her out, so there's none of anxious waiting for a phone call.

I could go on and on but I'm telling you that it all starts in your mind. Find a way to believe that you are the bee's knees and eventually others will believe it too.

Yours Truly,

The Closer

The Dangerous Game of Comparisons

2011-12-16T14:15:00.004-07:00

Dear Anti-Austens,

Today on my way to finals, I experienced Blue Stocking’s aforementioned run-in with The Childish Ex. Yes, it was awkward. Yes, it always is. No, it was not in the library—instead we crossed paths walking to school, which is even worse because there’s no easy way to escape. After the encounter, as I was desperately trying to cram last-minute for my final but instead managing to concentrate only on those clever things that I should have said to The Childish Ex but were only just coming to mind now, I began wondering about one of the issues that has come out of our breakup, and what advice the Anti-Austens might have about it.

My question is about the comparison of relationships. To give a bit of context, The Childish Ex and I had one of those magical relationships that tend more to frequent the silver screens of Hollywood than the awkward marriage-bound streets of uptown Provo (unless, of course, your name is Shy Guy or Featherstone McGee). We were friends for several months before our relationship developed, which the GAs say is always the best way to do things, and we were both suddenly and unexpectedly surprised by the quality and depth of the feelings we developed for each other. The relationship was marked by a high degree of respect and caring for each other—we saved our first kiss until it meant “I love you,” not just “Oh hurrah, the DTR is over,” and it meant so much more to both of us because of that. We encouraged each other to prioritize school and family, we communicated and were honest with each other—the relationship essentially epitomized what I believe is necessary to have in a successful marriage.

For reasons I still can’t quite come to terms with, the relationship somehow disintegrated. The Childish Ex explained that, while absolutely nothing was wrong with the relationship, he wasn’t ready to get married and thought he needed more dating experience to know what he wanted. After reducing my heart to a pathetic pile of shattered shards, he promptly jumped into a relationship with the first girl who flirted with him.

Despite the awkwardness of this all, we still managed to keep up the contact—at first. I was still (futilely) hoping that, by dating someone else, he’d soon realize how much he had lost by breaking off our relationship and come crawling back (where, after sufficient grovelling on his behalf, I would accept his apology and we would promptly go scheduling a date at the Mt. Timp temple). Upon talking to him, though, I realized that this was not to be, as he wasn’t comparing his present situation with his past one at all. He said, “I’m in a different relationship now. It would be way too unfair to her to compare her and this relationship to what I had with you.”

This stopped me in my tracks at the time. While I am (mostly) over The Childish Ex by now, I am still of the completely opposite opinion. Is it unfair to compare people to each other? Maybe. But then how are we supposed to learn from our past experiences? All (dating) experience is supposed to be for our profit and learning, right? As a result of my relationship with The Childish Ex, I learned that there are boys out there who are smart and funny and righteous and caring AND—le gasp—interested in me. How then could I downgrade and settle for anything less than the quality of relationship that I had with him? Now, by “downgrade,” I don’t mean by a comparison of looks. The Childish Ex wasn’t the best-looking guy around by any means, and the best-looking guys aren’t usually my type. I think judging guys based on appearance or personal quirks is silly, and could easily lead to a girl missing out on some amazing guys. I’m talking settling for less in terms of personal standards and behavior within relationships (communication, trust, etc). I don’t think that, after being in a relationship like mine, I could ever go back to a guy who didn’t treat me with the same courtesy and respect that The Childish Ex did. But this obviously means that I’m comparing all guys at the get-go before I even accept a second date! (I’m one of those who believes that all guys should get a first date if they have the courage to ask you out). Is this sort of comparison unfair, or is it what I’m supposed to be doing because—well, what other lesson was I supposed to learn from that relationship? Anti-Austens and avid lurking readers, what say ye?!

The Ingenue

Dearest Ingenue,

When The Coquette sent out your email and asked which of us wanted to tackle it, I immediately jumped on the opportunity. This email hit very close to home for me because it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately.
I know I've written about The Ex fairly recently, so I'm not going to go into a whole lot of details again. The only thing you really need to know in regards to this post is that we had a fabulous relationship (the first time around, anyways). We were both very happy. Eventually, things fell apart.
Then I started dating Mr. Director.
Mr. Dir is a very wonderful person, but he is also very different from The Ex. For example, the two of them express their love in very different ways, and it's been hard for me to appreciate the things that Mr. Dir does for me. For those of you who are familiar with the different love languages, Mr. Dir is an "acts of service" person and I am a gifts person...and neither of us is fantastic at speaking the other person's language. If he brings me chocolate milk when I'm at work, I just melt and I love it so much that I don't want to throw away the empty bottle. But if he does my dishes for me, I might not even notice. The opposite is true for him. I know he's trying, and I really should give him more credit than I do. What makes it difficult is that The Ex was really good at making me feel loved. Honestly, one of the best moments of my life was probably when he brought in a bouquet of flowers to my work for no reason at all!

So. This brings me to comparisons.
First off, it's nearly impossible not to compare relationships and so I don't believe the Childish Ex at all when he told you he doesn't compare them. However, this can be a very dangerous thing because comparison usually means that someone comes out on top. One of the things you and I and everyone needs to recognize is that people are different. (Shocker, I know.) It's not fair of me to compare the ways The Ex and Mr. Dir express their affection--this is not a competition. I can't expect Mr. Dir to do the same things The Ex did, because they are both such different people. Like The Childish Ex pointed out, comparing them would be unfair. It's easier said than done, but instead of comparing we need to focus on discovering and enjoying this new person and the relationship we are developing with them.

But don't run off just yet saying "The Charmer told me never to compare!" I'm not finished.

Ingenue, I agree with you.
One of the purposes of dating is to find out who we want to spend our lives (and eternity) with. To do this, we need to figure out what sorts of things we appreciate and desire in a mate. You discovered a lot of things you're looking for because of this past relationship, and it wouldn't be fair to you if you settled for anything less than the levels of trust and communication you had with the Childish Ex. While you shouldn't necessarily "compare" your new beaus to your old one, you do need to remember how you felt and what you liked. If you start dating someone seriously and he doesn't treat you as well as your ex, then why would you want to continue the relationship? You've set a standard for how you will be treated, and it's unfair to yourself to lower that standard. While you shouldn't expect unrealistic things (e.g. "I want my man to be a millionaire who owns 3 white ponies!"), you shouldn't be willing to settle. If you've experienced something once, you can experience it again. I'm sure we've all heard the quote from President Spencer W. Kimball where he said there are no such thing as "soul mates." Thus, the Childish Ex isn't the only person in the world with whom you can have those deep levels of trust and respect.
Still, give guys a chance. Don't write them off right away.

Best of luck, Ingenue, and thanks for your wonderful (and extremely well-written) letter! I think this is something we all need to remember from time to time.

Kisses,
The Charmer

No man is offended by another man's admiration of the woman he loves; it is the woman only who can make it a torment.

2011-12-14T23:52:00.002-07:00

I take comfort in the fact that I am not the only woman [girl...young lady...] who has ever had to cope with being in love with [extreme affection, not actual love] the same man as a good friend. The past few days have been infuriating. I have been refraining from disclosing any information regarding my personal love life [or lack thereof] as of late because I feel that it is almost too boring to discuss if nothing is happening. But I will divulge today. You would think that if a girl can be attracted to five men all at once, something might happen with at least one of them. Well friends, my luck has vanished. Vanished like a gambler's lucky streak. [Five points if you can name the song].

First, allow me to explain the Frenzy of Five. During this stage in the dating game [where The Coquette is not actually being courted by anyone in particular], I have always found it unwise to be infatuated with just one man, because he is surely to disappoint. [Perhaps I should change my name to The Misanthropist]. And so I have found it to be to the best of my advantage to have a continual circle of five men towards whom I may entertain my romantic intentions. This month's Frenzy of Five include:

1. The Doctor [curse him]

2. Perry Mason [oh, he's lovely]

3. Mr. Cowboy [naturally]

4. The Drive-By Hugger [unexpectedly]

5. Mr. Rival [unfortunately]

*The Frenzy of Five not presented in order of preference. The Frenzy of Five is subject to change almost daily, and so it should be thought of in a cyclical arrangement, rather than a numbered list.

I do not have the time to delve into each situation, because if I did this would be a really long post. So I am afraid that the synopsis will have to wait until a time in the not too distant future.

Allow me to focus the premise of this post on Perry Mason. Like I said, he is lovely. There is something about him that just tickles my fancy. It may be that he always dresses like a man. Not like a college boy, but a college man. He is the embodiment of a Dapper Dan. It may be that we can sit around and discuss musicals and literature for hours. It may be that our conversations are brimful of witty banter. It may be that I believe that we will make the most attractive babies. [Too crude?] And it may also be that I have good reason to believe that he will in fact be very well off one day. ["A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of." -Jane Austen] All in all, good ol' Perry Mason is very nearly, almost absolutely, wonderfully perfect.

Unfortunately, last week, we experienced a slight hitch. Alright, so it's a major hitch. But I have no reason to sincerely worry about this hitch, unless he becomes "hitched". Mr. Perry Mason is falling fast for a dear friend, and she is likewise falling for him. And honestly, I cannot blame either of them. Blast. But my personal preference for myself has left me wanting to take action through diabolical means. Wrong of me? Perhaps?

Here is the plan:

I will speed up all the processes in which I know Perry Mason would normally take his sweet time. Through my gentle prodding, they will begin a whirlwind relationship, and then shortly it will fail because of an all too rapid acceleration. And then guess who will be standing there, ready to comfort Mr. Mason? The ever-faithful Coquette, his dear friend.

It may not be a perfect nor highly moral plan, but honestly, I do not know what you were expecting from me.

If Perry Mason were beginning to become interested a complete stranger, that would be much easier to cope with. But no, he must be infatuated with a dear friend, with whom I spend almost all of my free time. And now I spend all my free time with the two of them. I am too proud to accept it. I must either remove the problem or remove myself. And since I am not entirely content to destroy my own social life, the problem will be the first to go. And it's not as though I am doing something so Iago-esque. The problem is that it does feel so immoral to have such bitter feelings towards dear friends, but all is fair in love and war. It may even be my fault if the two actually get married. So until then, I will be playing musical chairs [like I did all last night] so that Perry Mason may sit by his precious conquest. And in the end, it will be who is worth all his trouble.

I know, I am being entirely too vain and selfish. The sad truth is, I would almost rather be a known as a true and faithful friend than as the lucky lover [No, not that sort of lover. Get your minds out of the gutter.] of Perry Mason. Curse my due north loyalties.

Another friend recently asked me advice about a similar situation. How can we, as good and admirable people, steal [or attempt to steal] the love of a certain someone away from a friend? And honestly, I do not know the answer. The hard and callous Coquette wants to declare a full on battle. May the best man [er...woman] win! After all, love is a battlefield is it not? But I think the answer to this is to choose what you would rather have in your life. A charming and handsome man, or a dear friend?

All I can say is, thank goodness for the Frenzy of Five. When one particular catch lets me down, there is always another man whose attentions I can look forward to. It never fails.

And may the best man win.

Con Amor,

The Coquette

Study Break

2011-12-13T10:10:00.006-07:00

Guess what?!

Today I'm over at Proxee Consulting as a guest blogger! Gentleman, I'm giving you some fabulous tips on how to get a girl's number, so I would definitely check it out. ;)

The post is actually a snippet from a book I've written. Yes, I did in fact write a "guide to girls" that teaches guys how to get their flirt on. Just curious...if this book were to become available for purchase either as an ebook or as an actual book, would you buy it? And which format would you prefer? I'd like to hear from guys and girls on this one (e.g. ladies...would you purchase it for a brother?).

Anyways, I hope you enjoy my post over at Proxee Consulting, and make sure you check out the rest of the blog while you're there. I absolutely love it and I've referred a handful of guys there when they've asked me for dating advice.
Good luck on finals (I am currently in the midst of studying, as I'm sure many of you are) and travel safely wherever it is you're going this holiday break!

And okay, fine. I might as well tell you about my Christmas plans.
I'll be going home this Saturday, I'll hang out with the fam for a week, and then I'm flying out to the lovely Midwest on Christmas night.
Now, what on earth could possess me to fly to the land of cold and corn?

Ah, that is a good question. Perhaps you can guess. ;)

Kisses,
The Charmer

Oh, and PS--There is a date contest for our very own Colonel Paisley in the works!

The Roommate and other updates...

2011-12-11T21:24:00.004-07:00

Updates!

*Library guy has yet to call….

*I set up a study group for this Monday that includes The Reader {insert slow clap here}.

And now on to the weekend....

It wouldn’t be Christmas at the Y without someone throwing an ugly sweater party. So Friday night I went and got my ugly on, and oddly enough I kind of dig ugly Christmas sweaters. In fact, I’m thinking of investing in some for future parties…. Anyhoo, that is hardly the point.

The point is Conner and I met up at said party and banter ensued. In our little convo, Conner expressed how sad he was that we weren’t able to walk to school together on our last day {I was running late}. He then tried to figure out our future schedules so our morning walks could once again be tradition. I thought this was sweet, but still it’s no date. I do belief it’s safe to say that we are just friends. And surprisingly enough I’m good with that. I think he’s fun, but like I mentioned in previous posts, we really don’t have a lot in common.

After this party, I had yet another party to tend to and at this one I got to be with SG. It was at this party that we entered into “I’m physically harming you, but you actually like it” territory.

Yes, hard core flirting was in the air.

The next night a group of my friends decided to go to the Salt Lake Temple to see the lights. Brilliant decision. Conner was there and we made casual chit chat, but he was being…well, awkward and strange and I realized something…he has a fantastic roommate. Fantastic.

Yes, isn't that a nice little twist...

During our tour through the lights, I decided that I would not put up with an awkward night with Conner. In this moment of realization, his attractive and witty roommate stepped into the picture and made my evening delightful. I had never before met said roommate, but I was utterly surprised. We spent the whole evening having brief conversation - when the night called for it - and by the end we were sharing dinner. I’m not saying its love- heck, I’m not even saying there will be a date in our future- I’m just saying it was a nice way to spend one’s Saturday night.

Well dear readers, here’s to the next week of finals. May all of us come out wiser and more equipped for the world…or at least have an awkward run-in with the ex in the library, that's my personal favorite.

Toujours,

The Blue Stocking

The post where Featherstone McGee gets a little bit blasphemous...

2011-12-09T09:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

God is a sneaky, sneaky fellow. Now, before you assemble a lynch mob and have me tried for blasphemy, let me say that I make that statement with the utmost respect. Let me also say that I have a habit of using the word sneaky for a variety of things. In this case the meaning I wish to convey is clever. After all, God works in mysterious ways.

Now, at this point I’m guessing that some of you are saying to yourselves Featherstone, what in the world does this have to do with dating? Well, let me tell you.

By now you’ve probably learned that dating at BYU (and within the Mormon culture) is different. It’s unique. I’m guessing that many of you grew up in the same dating culture that I did, or at the very least one that was quite similar. Dates as we know them did not exist or were very rare. The common practice was as follows:

1. We start off with a large group of friends who hang out together quite frequently. Within this group there are many individuals. One is named Jack. Another is named Jill.

2. After getting to know everybody, Jack and Jill begin to realize that they have a slightly elevated interest in one another relative to their interest in the other members of the group. This begins the strange phenomenon known as feelings.

3. Upon contemplation of this interest Jack and Jill begin to spend more time together and feelings develop further.

4. Jack and Jill begin dating (which in this context is defined as the act of being in a romantic relationship) despite having only gone on few, if any, dates.

Does this sound familiar to you? A friend of mine from work grew up in the same dating environment in a completely different state. So I know I’m not the only one. There are at least two of us.

Now here we are at BYU. The dating scene is quite different. Dates are still dates, but dating has taken on two meanings, specifically 1) the act of going on several dates and 2) the act of being in a romantic relationship. Dates and the first meaning of dating play a significantly more important role in the overall process as the dating pool expands to, well, pretty much anybody without a ring on their finger. More options, more possibilities, with people you DON’T EVEN KNOW! It’s enough to make your head spin.

Now, if you’ve ever baked a marble and thrown it in ice cold water, you would know that such a drastic change can be enough to make the insides crack. Indeed, the pressures of dating can be difficult and can indeed cause us to crack. I’m sure that, at one point or another, most of you out there have felt the pressures weigh on you in the form of doubt, despair, hopelessness, sadness, frustration, or some other sad, negative emotion that can come as the result of an unsuccessful dating life. I know that I have. Such was the state I was in when I first discovered this blog.

Now let us shift gears as I begin to relate everything I have said back to the first paragraph (just in case you were wondering when/if that would even happen). I hate cats (no judging). Yet it was a video of a woman blubbering on about cats that brought me to the Anti-Austen. Why did I click the link found on Overheard @ BYU? I don’t know. I just did. Many of the actions that I have performed at the subtle inspiration of the Spirit have been things I have just done that I normally wouldn’t do. Before I knew it, I was writing on the Anti-Austen. A broken boy with too little experience and too much insight writing on a dating blog. Seriously?

As you likely know, a challenge was issued by the Charmer, a contest was held, and a date was procured. The Charmer has admitted in a previous post that her November challenge was indeed inspired. The rest of the details of this story are very personal to me – I hold them very dear to my heart and they are mine to keep. I will tell you that this broken boy is healing quite nicely.

Now, if you’ve ever baked a marble and thrown it in ice cold water, you would know that such a drastic change can be enough to make the insides crack. If you’ve ever seen one of these cracked marbles, you would also know that the cracks inside add a unique character to each and every one of them. Thus, each one is special. God is a sneaky, sneaky fellow. The challenges in our lives shape who we are as individuals and the solutions that help us overcome them are often not what we expect. Never would I have guessed that I could find what I have been searching for through a dating blog.

My dear readers, this message is for those of you who currently face challenges in dating. This message is for those of you whose hopes are dashed. This message is for those of you who find yourselves in need of brighter days. There is indeed hope out there and it will likely come in ways that you don’t expect, even in ways that you have yet to consider. Brighter days are in your future, so keep careful watch for them. I urge you to keep your eyes, your mind, and your heart open, because God may introduce them to you in the cleverest of ways – after all, He is a sneaky, sneaky fellow.

~Featherstone McGee

Grandmothers can hardly be trustworthy.

2011-12-07T23:02:00.002-07:00

My Dear Readers,

It's mid-week and I hope all of you are surviving this horrendous period of the semester. I wish you all the best.

Last week, I asked for those who would be interested, to email us your worst-date story. And luckily for me, you are all great supporters and sent me a plethora. [Jefe, what is a plethora?] We received emails about manipulative mechanics, wanna-be Casanovas, and clingy mere acquaintances. Thank you so much for entertaining us with your stories. I giggled like a school girl for a whole night about them. But there was one. Yes, the one. The one that had me in fits. [If you're not in fits by the end, either you are dull or I am just too over-dramatic]. So it is with pleasure that I bring you this masterpiece of a horrible date written by one of your fellow readers.

Con Amor,

The Coquette

It was the day before my senior prom. I was laying on the couch in my house, feeling slightly sad at not being asked, but also happy at the prospect of leaving for BYU in two short months and moving on to bigger and better things.

My phone rang. Caller ID said "Grandma" Grandma?? My Grandma never calls me. What???

Conversation ensued:

Me: "Hi, Grandma. ??"

Grandma: "Hi dear. What day is your prom?"

Me: what???? "Um, tomorrow?"

Grandma: "Do you want a date?"

Me: "What?"

Grandma: "Well, we have your senior picture on our fridge. And we have a Utah State student who comes to practice his violin at our house. And he saw it. And he wants to take you to Prom."

Me: "um...its TOMORROW."

Grandma: "Yeah, do you think you can get a dress by then?"

Me: "....uh yeah? Okay?"

Grandma: "Okay, I'll have him call you later."

I wish I could insert a video montage of myself madly driving around for the next hour, first to my high school to buy a dance ticket, then to my friend's house to try on and borrow a very big poofy dress, but then my identity would be shot. During this video montage we would pause to listen to the phone call from my "date." (Unfortunately I can't remember the fellow's real name, so I don't know if I'm giving his identity away or not, but lets call him Brody, a male name meaning "muddy place.") Brody confirmed our date for the following evening, saying he wouldn't be able to pick me up until 8:00 p.m. because he had a violin lesson with the concert master of the Utah Symphony.

Let's fast forward to riding in his very nice car on the freeway to the state capitol.

Brody: "I'm sorry my car is so crappy."

Me: what? (this seems to be a common thought I had in this tale) "Um, I like it. Do you have to drive all the way back up to Logan tonight?"

Brody: "No, my family owns an apartment in Salt Lake. We actually just found out my dad's been having an affair in it for the past 15 years."

Me: "oh...I'm sorry? That's rough..."

Brody: "Yeah, its okay."

Me: "Okay so how was your violin lesson?"

Brody: "So good! *insert a very long monologue about how awesome it was* ...and I'm actually transferring to some Ivy League music school in Massachusetts..."

Me: "Oh that's really awesome! How do feel about not playing your violin for two years when you're on your mission?"

Brody: "I'm not going to go on a mission. My family just joined a cult, actually."

Me: I AM ON THE FREEWAY, IN A DRESS I CAN'T BREATHE IN, WITH A BOY WHO JUST JOINED A CULT "oh how interesting."

We then arrived at the Capitol. He walked three steps ahead of me all the way to the front doors. We then stood in line for an hour waiting to take an excruciatingly awkward posed photo. (My roommates hung it up last year and put a stickie note over his face.) He then kindly explained that because it was my prom, I could go wherever and talk to whomever, and he would simply follow me. Awesome.

On the way home, I was still freaking out about being in a car on the freeway in the dress with the boy when he queried "So, do you want to do anything else?" What?!?!?!?!!?! I don't even want to know what you have in mind! "You know, I think you should just take me home."

After that experience, I happily went back to dreaming about leaving for BYU and swore with an oath that I will never answer the phone when my Grandma calls again.

The end.

Stress is for Finals, not Dating

2011-12-07T01:40:00.001-07:00

Hello, my name is Colonel Paisley. (Hello, Colonel Paisley.) And I have a problem.

I care too much about dating.

No, seriously. I've realized that I care way too much about relationships, how people view me, how I view people, and if I'll ever get married. It's mentally taxing and often overwhelming. I care too much; I don't let life happen naturally, as it should.

I'm overly self-conscious, which makes me question everything I do. I subconsciously [and often consciously] meet girls with the sole goal to see if we're compatible to date. With only a few girls have a sidestepped the dating zone into the much more friendly "we never dated and I'm glad; we're much better friends now" zone. But that's my problem: rarely am I friends with girls with whom I have not had a verbal or mental DTR -- "No, we're not going to date; we wouldn't work out."

I certainly don't mean to do this, but I often meet girls, decide whether or not they are interested in me, and if not, I cease major associations with them. I rarely allow time for simple casual friendships to develop, and if mutual interest develops, a relationship. Apparently my own mentality is "if they aren't interested in me now, they never will. Pay the clerk, move along."

I can't be the only person who thinks like this. [If I am, well... shoot.] Why do I do this? Why am I a crazy self-doubting neurotic dater?

I have so many female friends with whom relationships never worked, and I'm happy about that. Southern Belle from freshman year and I are still close friends [get engaged already, girl!]. The Photographress and I are good chums. Grounds Grl is one of my most favorite people of all time. At one point or another, I wanted to date these ladies, but we never did. Good.

I need to be better about having regular friends who are ladies. Friendships that develop for the sake of friendship, not necessarily for the sake of dating. Not that I’m against dating, but that shouldn’t be the only reason I meet people of the opposite sex.

I took one of our dear readers out for hot chocolate and conversation last night, and my neurotic side thinks that she might think that I’m obsessing and want to date her. I have no idea. I simply hope that she isn’t overanalyzing and worrying like I obviously am.

Dating is stressful, my friends. We all know this. I’m taking a vow to care less. Not to stop caring, of course, but I need to stop allowing dating to be the central goal of my life. It’s important, yes, but it shouldn’t be trumping everything that I do.

As my advice for this post [because I have at least one piece of dating advice each time I write], have friends of the opposite sex. Just to be friends. And hey, who knows, maybe it will evolve into a relationship in the future. But for now, just be friends. Be casual. Taaake thiiiings slooooowly.

And stop stressing about dating. Reserve all your stress for upcoming finals [good luck, everyone].

Cheers,

Colonel Paisley

Person Who is Frustrated With Dating

Prince Charming Syndrome

2011-12-06T08:43:00.005-07:00

Okay, so I know that some of you were wondering "how the can-I-spend-14-hours-in-a-car-with-you test went?" (to quote Featherstone) And, seeing as that was the only question that was actually asked of me, I suppose I'd better tell you.

It went well. Apparently yes, I can spend 14 hours in a car with Mr. Director. (It actually ended up being about 15 1/2 hours going up and 13 hours coming back. So I really spent almost 29 hours in a car with him. That's more than an entire day!)

But even more importantly, the How-do-you-interact-with-my-family test also went extremely well. He survived the Dad Interrogation. He got a Mom Thumbs-Up. The siblings all thought he was very cool, including the angsty 12-year-old sister who doesn't seem to think anything is very cool these days.
Even my 25-pound cat liked him.

In other words, we can add my family to the increasingly extensive List of People Who Approve of Mr. Director or Have Told The Charmer How Great Mr. Director Is.
So if he's so great, here's a question: why am I having such a hard time throwing my whole self into this?

It seems like every time things start going really well, I start to freak out a little bit. I'm surprised that poor Mr. Dir hasn't begun to doubt my sanity at this point.

There are probably a myriad of reasons for these freakouts, but one of the problems can definitely by attributed to the "Prince Charming Syndrome."

I think that sometimes we ladies get so caught up in the idea of finding our "perfect" Prince Charming that we often give up the chance to be with guys with whom we have real chemistry. We grow up making lists of everything that we want in a man, and I think that we tend to forget that these lists aren't actually based on real people but that they're based on our ideas of what real people should be like.

Let's take a step back into the life of the Charmer, shall we?

Remember Masimo? He is perfectly charming, dresses well, is always a gentleman, can DANCE, and does cute things like any true gentleman would. I think one of the primary reasons I decided I wanted to date him was because he exemplified the "prince charming" ideal that us ladies grow up dreaming about.

Anyways, it didn't work out. I did try to make it work. After all, he would have been a FANTASTIC boyfriend! We would have been so charming together! So I tried to make it work, he'd already been trying to make it work for a year...and it just didn't. Yes, he was fantastic, but we were missing that real-life chemistry. And maybe the reason we didn't have real-life chemistry was because I had this fairytale idea of the sort of man I wanted. And, after all, fairytales are definitely not real life.

Luckily for me, I ended up falling for someone else--Mr. Director. He's sweet and considerate, but I don't know if I would ever use the word "Prince Charming" or even "gentleman" to describe him. He's goofy and unpredictable and sometimes I just shake my head and give him that look that says "Did you really just say that?" But we fit so well together. We really just click. I love his unpredictableness and I don't mind that he'd rather wear t-shirts and faded jeans than cardigans and fitted pants. I feel like I can really be myself around him, whereas with Masimo I often felt like I was trying to impress him.

Prince Charmings are great. It's what we all grow up wanting. But very few of us are Cinderellas or Snow Whites or even Sleeping Beauties. Most of us are a lot more like Lizzie McGuire. And, regrettably, Lizzie McGuire never ended up with a Prince Charming.

But if you saw The Lizzie McGuire Movie, you know that she ended up with her best friend. And isn't that what we REALLY want?

(And that brings my total Lizzie McGuire references made on this blog to: 2)

I'm not saying that we should tear up the lists, throw romanticism to the wind, and settle for the first bum who comes along. But maybe we should stop looking for a "perfect" person and start looking for someone who shares the same standards, brings out the best in us, and with whom we can truly be ourselves . After all, as Elder Scott so eloquently put it,
"I suggest that you not ignore many possible candidates who are still developing these attributes, seeking the one who is perfected in them. You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you."

I'm definitely not perfect. So it's not fair of me to expect Mr. Dir (or anyone else, for that matter) to be perfect, either.

Still. It's hard to let go of the hope that my Prince Charming might ride in at any moment.

Ciao,
The Charmer

The Reader and other fantastic gents...

2011-12-04T21:15:00.002-07:00

I realize dear reader that I keep introducing guys onto this blog and yet nothing big has happened. Such is my life. But I have to say something has changed. For the most part I have gone through life without finding guys that I find interesting enough to pursue. In fact, before this semester I can chalk my crushes up to maybe three guys. Three.

This being said I do believe that you will join with me in my astonishing account of three guys this semester that I like. Three. And when I say like I mean I have known them for more than a month and after spending time with them I still feel my curiosity pushing me to known more. It's pure madness people!

Once again I feel like I must say this never happens to me, I have always had the problem that I can never find a guy that I wanted to spend all my time with! Now you’re probably wondering who these three fine fellows are. Well I have already shown you two...

Conner: The guy who I have complained to be always around and now I find myself enjoying our run-ins and hang-outs a little too much...

Service Guy: The guy that I know o so well and spend a little too much time flirting with, and yet outside forces push us apart. Yes, that’s right our story has forbidden like thrown in the mix of everyday life.

Now Introducing The Reader! First, let me comment on how much it delights me to find a guy who loves reading {I should also say that Conner and SG also love to read, but not in the same light as this magnificent gent}. I met the reader in a literature class {insert sigh here}, but instead of finding him to be an intellectual snob, he is quite brilliant without an ounce of arrogance and his witty comments are most hilarious. I just began to notice him three weeks ago and ever since I have been smitten.

I first noticed him outside of class in the library. I was in the no sh zone getting ready to print off my paper for our lit class when I saw him sitting next to me and then it hit me, "I know him," and then another thought hit me, 'wow, he's really cute'. So I ever so causally leaned over and said "I think we're in the same class. Hi, I'm the Blue Stocking" and then we got into a fun little conversation about our papers and our love for books. I then left to go pick up my paper from the printer and he waited for me so we could walk to class together. Now you're probably thinking "wow Blue Stocking, you haven't screwed this up..." o just wait reader.

Now I need to introduce the other guy from my lit class. Let's call him Mark. Mark and I have become fast friends. He is extremely funny and we love being goofy and silly around each other. During our friendship we have teamed up on all the class projects and we even formed a group of friends in class.

Well The Reader and I got to class and just as I hoped he walked with me to my usual chair in order to find one for himself. Then it all went wrong. Mark yelled out my name and signaled for me to come sit by him...at a spot with no surrounding seats. The Reader was then forced to awkwardly turn around and find room elsewhere. Blast!

After this disastrous incident I spent the next week maneuvering myself in a position to sit in-between Mark and The Reader. Now the question is how do I get The Reader to know that Mark and I are not a thing?! Double Blast.

But even with Mark on my other side, The Reader and I have managed to have the most amusing conversations during class. I am certain that he is interested in me even if it is only in the slightest degree. I say this with great caution because I do not want to assume anything, but the fact that he is always finding reasons to whisper witty comments that reduce us both to fits of laughter makes me suspicious. And then there's just something in the way he looks at me, which is very important {I’m not making this up, just consult Shakespeare about the importance of looks}. But now I face the dilemma of getting Mark out of the way and having The Reader ask me out before the semester runs out {only one week left!}.

So these three guys lead up to the question of who I like best?!

I can never fully decide if I like SG. Some days I think we would be perfect together and other days I think the effort our relationship would take out-weighs the benefits. Though we did have a wonderful time together this weekend sigh...

Conner is a mystery. I don’t think we have a whole lot in common, but I love talking to him and he is very funny. But I realize that I have done a lot of stupid things concerning him and even I’m willing to admit that yes, I am confusing, but still if he wanted something to happen he could make it happen. Right?! I was also with him this weekend and when I came home from our little outing I felt more confused than ever.

The Reader {sigh} is the least known and yet I feel like he is the most promising. I really want to get to know him better, but with the semester winding down and I don’t know if anything will happen!

It probably seems like I should be freaking out about these boy issues, but the fact is I’m really not. For so long I was worried that my type of guy would never come around and now I have found three guys who fit and expound that type.

The beautiful part about these guys is that they surround every aspect of my life, so much so that I go from one hour to the next spending time with each. I must say it’s a fantastic way to spend one’s day. So even if I don’t end up dating any of them I’m just glad I met them. I’m glad to know that they exist.

P.S. I also have noticed the fact that my dating life took off the second I started writing for this blog. Coincidence? I think not. So thank you, I quite enjoy going on dates and meeting such fine fellows.

P.P.S I called Library guy on Friday!.... and got his answering machine.

P.P.P.S It's Sunday night and still no call. That's not a bad sign right?! Ya you're right, it's a terrible sign. Can you say anti-climatic...

-The Blue Stocking

Good things come to those who wait and a word about first dates.

2011-12-02T18:19:00.000-07:00

I know all of you are simply itching to know what it is I did with myself for "No Fear November". [Well, I know at least one anonymous commenter asked]. And I have been itching to tell you.

I told every single man that I have the slightest crush on that I am interested in him. I began asking out random strangers in the library and the Wilk. No man was safe from my chase. And best of all, I set up a kissing booth on campus, which was quite successful until the BYU police told me that such operations were not permitted on campus. Who knew?

But the truth is, I did nothing. Absolutely nothing.

At least nothing out of the ordinary that is, and perhaps I was even the slightest bit reclusive.

It just so happens that I have an amusing personality trait that forbids me from accepting any and all challenges [except those mandated from the pulpit] from others, and especially ones issued from dear friends.

So I let No Fear November slip by without another thought. Dust in the wind.

And so, allow me to let you in on a little secret: In the month of November, I was asked out on more dates than I have been for the past two years combined. Take that No Fear November! [This comment is in no way pointed directly at The Charmer. She is a wonderful human being whom I greatly admire and I think her challenge was quite apropos].

No Fear November went off without a single hitch, as there were no hitches to be had. I had no fear and feared not about my dating life.

With that tidbit of information under your belt, let's hop back into the fray.

A wise man [or at least a lucky man] is one who can ask a woman out for an evening filled with things that she absolutely adores. And that is where this latest fellow struck it rich. I received a simple phone call and was asked out for the next basketball game. I was thrilled. If there was some sort of scale that could measure my love for going to basketball games against my love for reading Jane Austen novels, I think Jane would win out only by the slightest smidgen. The Coquette loves basketball games. I would go out with Mr. Collins again if the date were to a basketball game because I love it that much.

Fortunately, the man who asked me out was no Mr. Collins. A nice, even-tempered sort of fellow who has been a close acquaintance for some time. And that is when it struck me, this marvelous epiphany: Most of the time we do not even notice people we could be attracted to until given the opportunity. I found myself in that position, and it wasn't only because of basketball. Here was a wonderful human being who I had glanced over time and time again just because there was nothing about him that specifically attracted my attention. And yet here I was, wondering if there was something about him that would change my mind.

Alas, there was not, but I chalk that up to the fact that all first dates are awkward. And I am a firm believer in the fact that most [if not all] first dates should never last longer than an hour. An hour is a perfect amount of time to become more closely acquainted with someone without having to scrape the bottom of the barrel for conversation. Sometimes you get lucky and you could talk to a person for hours, but more often than not, an hour is the human breaking point conversation wise.

But first dates become worse when you can't even talk to each other for five minutes. As was the case with this basketball date. Luckily, neither he nor I felt the need to fill the precious minutes of the basketball game with idle chatter, and so we were content to cheer and dance and give each other enthusiastic high-fives [Also, if you were either at the game or watching the game, you would have seen me on camera!]. But once we were on our own, and couldn't possibly discuss the game any further, it was nearly exhausting. It became a game of tossing questions that could be answered with one word back and forth and back and forth.

However, as first dates go, it wasn't the worst, in fact it wasn't even horrible. It just happened to be a first date, which are just generally a tad on the gruesome side.

All's well that ends satisfactorily.

Con Amor,

The Coquette

P.S. If you have any horrendous date stories, please

email them to us. We would love to read your

experiences, and who knows, maybe you'll get

published?

I always choose flight....

2011-11-30T21:26:00.002-07:00

Hello! I feel like we haven’t talked in a while and I have to say I missed you. I was going to wait till Monday to post, but the funniest thing just happened in the library and I had to tell you. For you to fully realize the craziness that is contained by this blogger you read on a regular basis let me take you back to last week.

I was leaving the library and I ran into a cute guy who employed a clever ruse to stop me for a little conversation, one that was ever so delightful. Do you know those moments where you feel very witty, well I had that moment for about 15 min and at the end of our little chat he asked me for my number.

Bold eh?

I think having a random guy get your number after only just meeting you is quite possible the most flattering thing that can happen.

I actually had something similar happen to me a week before. I was at a party in the middle of the dance floor when I ran into an incredible attractive guy. We talked for about 5 minutes {it’s hard to carry on conversation with dance music blaring in the background}. Then his friends came to carry him away, we said our goodbyes and just when I was ready to chalk that up to just another random run in with a guy that piqued my interest, he turned around. That’s right he walk away and about three yards from me he turned around and strode back and asked for my number. I’m still smiling as I write this. But alas he has not called.

WHAT. What would possess a boy to make a bold statement about getting a girls number and then not call.

Maybe he tripped on his way out of the party, and his phone fell in a gutter, and by the time he got to it the rain water from said gutter had infiltrated every crevice in the device and had so thoroughly destroyed it that my number could no longer be recovered. Ya, that’s most likely what happened…well, probably.

Anyhoo…back to the library guy. After he got my number and I was on my way home I came to the conclusion that he was yet another number bandit, stealing girl’s numbers all over BYU campus. This was a Monday night and by Saturday I still hadn’t heard from him…good thing I built myself up for disappointment.

Sunday I left my phone at home and didn’t get back to it till late that night. To my pleasant surprise he had called twice. Since it was late I didn’t call back, but decided to wait till Monday. This is going to sound lame, but I go so busy with school that I completely forgot! I really did, I swear this semester is destroying my social life.

By Wednesday I felt too silly to call him. By Thursday I began questioning the safety value of going out with strange guys you barely know. And by Friday I was resolved that not calling was best. So of course it was just my luck that I ran into him at the library early this evening.

I was on the fourth floor, typing, minding my own business, when I looked up to find his face two rows back. We made eye contact and I freaked. I sneaked another peak just to make sure it was him and sure enough there he was. I decided to act cool and continue typing… and then I decided to take flight. After all I am a runner by nature.

And that ladies and gentlemen is how I found myself hiding on the second floor for the next two hours.

I guess the fourth floor is off limits now.

So what is wrong with me? Why didn't I call him? Why didn’t I go up and explain? Why didn’t I at least text him?

I would like to conclude this post by saying I don’t believe anyone will ever be able to pinpoint exactly what is wrong with me.

-The Blue Stocking

November Wrap-Up

2011-11-29T08:59:00.005-07:00

I am sort of at a loss as to what I should write about today.

This is a new phenomenon for me. I usually have way too much to say (which is always why my posts are so long).

So, I'll put it out to you guys. Is there anything you're dying to ask me? Any random thing you're longing to know about me? Give me some FAQs to answer. You can post them in the comments or send an email to byudates@gmail.com.

However, I would like to take a moment to say thank you! to all of you who took my November challenge and especially to those of you who sent in success stories. I'd still love to hear from you if anything good came out of it. I know this might sound cheesy, but I honestly think that post was inspired. That's not at all what I was planning to write about that day...but in the midst of drafting my post, the idea just came to me and I ran with it. I'm so glad I did, as it sounds like a handful of you have had very good fortune after deciding to step a little outside of your comfort zone.

A little snippet of one of our reader's success stories:
One reader told me that she was "painfully shy" and "scared of boys." When she first read the challenge, she "scoffed" because as she put it, "I am not a bold person. At all."
But then she started thinking about it...and she decided to take the plunge and tell one of her best guy friends (who she also happens to like a lot) that she would love to go on a date with him. She then said,
To my surprise (and utter delight), he replied, "Yeah, I've actually been thinking about that."

We do not have a date set up yet. He is not interested in me romantically in any way. But I feel good. If nothing else, I feel like I have grown from this experience. To be perfectly honest, I'm extremely proud of myself. :)

So thank you for your encouragement!

Oh, you certainly deserve to be proud of yourself--that's not an easy thing to do! I'm proud of you, too! It warmed my heart to hear your story!

Another exciting story actually involves the blog Waited For a Sister Missionary, if any of you are familiar with it.
Basically, the author of this blog waited for a sister missionary. Things didn't work out. If you read his most recent posts, you'll discover that he has begun falling for a girl he calls Mirage.
Well, guess what?! Mirage just happens to be a loyal reader (and commenter!) on our blog!
I was extremely excited to read her email since it started out with Even just starting to write this, my heart is beating so frantically, it's ridiculous. (Twitterpation has been experienced by yours truly before, but NEVER to this degree, so that should give you some idea as to where this is headed.)

And here's her story about what happened...
I started reading [Waiting for a Sister Missionary]. And then I kept reading. And kept reading. AND KEPT READING. The more I read, I thought, "This guy is literally my dream man. I want to meet him. I want to date him." In reading his blog more I had quickly discovered that things were not looking positive with the sister missionary. She was home, and didn't appear to be particularly interested in rekindling what they'd had. So, at the request of the Charmer to 'just go for it' or whatever it was that she said, I went for it. I sent him an email as well as commented on his blog. (Oh so bold, right?)

And then...he commented back and conversation ensued. And then they became friends on Facebook and talked some more. Then they went on a date...and things just started falling into place. I decided I'd also share Mirage's final advice with all of you:

Long story short, thanks to 'just doing it', I am dating the greatest guy I've ever had the pleasure of associating with. Thanks Charmer, call me cheesy, but I didn't know it could be this good. :)

And, to all of you doubting Thomasinas out there, JUST DO IT. It may not seem like much, but a simple comment on a blog post got me into the best relationship I've ever been in. As our dear friend Brother Gump said, "Life is like a box of chocolates," but you have to actually reach into the box and grab a chocolate!

Thanks so much for sharing your story with us, Mirage!

Anyways, there's still one day left in November if you've been considering my challenge and have yet to take part.

I hope everyone had a fabulous Thanksgiving! Good luck finishing out the semester!

Kisses,
The Charmer

Well I Think You Need to be More… Flexible

2011-11-28T16:28:00.001-07:00

Hey folks,

In an attempt to be more relatable and be less of a mysterious advice-bearing dapper man [because who can reject paisley?], I’m going to mix in my dating stories/situations with my advice that I wanted to share with y’all last week.

Part of the reason that the Dating Game in Provo is so hard is because everyone takes it too seriously.

Try not to care or worry too much. Be spontaneous. Be open to unstructured plans.

Let me introduce you to Fraulein. She’s a girl I met through work back in February, and she remembered me when she reappeared at work on Friday. We chatted again, and when she came back again on Saturday, we discussed our evenings – neither of us had plans. I picked her up later for a nonchalant dessert date. Conversation flowed well, and I would definitely ask her on a second date if she hadn’t already graduated and lived out of state.

Lesson one: If a guy asks you on a random date on the day of, don’t refuse him simply on principle. [If he’s a complete creeper, however, you may refuse.] Individual situations always change; maybe he only just worked up the courage to ask you out. If you don’t have official plans, humor another human and humble yourself. You may be surprised by a spur-of-the-moment date.

Another lady friend, Matilda Jeffries, is in my ward. We spend a fair amount of time together through a variety of apartment/ward activities, and I’ve always thought she was attractive. Our personalities are similar, and we’ve even had a fun-filled 6+ hour one-on-one adventure. However, her roommate has told me that she’s not interested, and I therefore became less interested in the relationship.

Lesson two: Don’t be afraid to sacrifice a potential relationship for a lasting friendship. I’ve been friendzone’d by countless females, but I am happy about many of those situations. I feel like I’m better friends with a lot of these girls simply because we didn’t think it would work out if we dated.

I’ve lately noticed Matilda spending some time with another guy in the ward who is much more handsome and studly than I. A younger, less experienced version and I would mope and whine about how I “never get the girl.” I would ask useless, hypothetical questions like “why wouldn’t she pick me, then? What does he have that I don’t?”

Lesson three: Questions like those help no one. They reemphasize my lack of self-esteem and encourage my to find things wrong with myself. Or I could simply walk away from the situation with a casual “Good for her. I’m happy for her.” Because frankly, the dating game is hard, and I would be a sick and twisted person if I wished upon anyone to stay in the dating pool forever and never leave. Also, Matilda has never dated anyone before, so she could use the experience. The less selfish and greedy I am, the happier I am with my dating situation.

The last girl that deserves mention tonight is Miss Sora. We met through our on-campus jobs and became friends who went on lots of dates, hung out a lot, cuddled, and held hands. We have very similar interests, personalities, and humor styles. We never kissed or officially “dated”; we took our time with the relationship, and I was happy with that. After one week of minimal communication, however, we talked about the situation. She told me that her feelings for me hadn’t developed in the way she was hoping over the past three or four weeks. I expressed similar feelings, and we “parted the closest of friends” [thanks, Billy Joel]. We are still friends, and we are both very happy that we communicated our feelings clearly and openly, thereby avoiding all potential awkwardness.

Lesson four: Communicate. Don’t be reluctant to share your feelings and be emotionally involved in a relationship. Note: “emotionally involved” and “emotionally invested” are different. Don’t completely validate your existence by whether or not a relationship works. Don’t weep bitter tears into your pillow because he decided he wasn’t interested, or if she doesn’t want to date anyone right now [she actually just doesn’t want to date you… but that’s not the point]. So engage in some emotional interaction, but be mentally and emotionally prepared for all outcomes. Allow yourself room to be disappointed – that same space can potentially also bring you great happiness.

In summary, think of the scene from the Incredibles that uses the title to this post. After Elastigirl says that, Mr. Incredible stammers out a “Are you doing anything tonight?” And that, my friends, is my invitation to you. Be flexible – in four ways:

1. Be spontaneous. Invite someone on a spur-of-the-moment date.

2. Be able to change your course if you know your train won’t be received at the destination. Decide that you don’t need roads where you’re going, and point your train to the sky.

3. Don’t get in a rut. Be able to change and be changed. More importantly, accept changes.

4. Don’t get your expectations up. Unless you expect every single outcome and will be happy with whatever happens.

Good luck with your dating lives, my friends. Dating is like our fair Brigham Young University – it is not without challenges, but we have the option every semester to sign up for STAC 125 – Flexibility. I still think that would be a fun class to take. [Who wants to take it with me next semester?]

Cheers,

Colonel Paisley

A “Mysterious Encounter”: A Guest Post

2011-11-26T13:43:00.001-07:00

Imagine everything that can go wrong before a date—go ahead, just imagine it. Your dress could rip, you could spill perfume all over yourself, you could become violently ill with no warning, you could lose your keys and/or deodorant. Your roommate and FHE brother could get into a ridiculous, loud argument about a small spider on the wall and the various methods that could be used to kill said spider. Your roommates could insist upon creeping right behind the door, waiting anxiously for your date to come pick you up so they can catch a glimpse of him before you do.

Those last two happened to me. In fact, I’m quite sure that Featherstone heard the tail end of the rather loud spider argument. As far as the creepy roommates go, imagine opening a door, and seeing three girls standing right in front of the door, smiling awkwardly and hiding giggles, and then the afore-mentioned arguers peeking from around the corner down the hall. If Featherstone was un-creeped out by this, he is even better than I thought!

Despite the horrible self-consciousness that this inspired in me, I managed to coherently introduce myself and smile as he introduced himself. The introductions consisted mainly of “Well…this is me!” and an answering laugh and “Yeah….this is me!” This awkward-ness, of course, was due to the fact that I had already pretty much poured my soul out over email and I’d read his post here on the blog. But we pushed through! The awkward-ness was quickly dispelled.

We went to get ice cream and to discern the clues given with our tickets. I just have to say—there were so many things to remember! I had no idea how I was going to ever be able to recall the details we needed to solve the mystery…but while we read and ate ice cream, I learned a little bit more about Featherstone McGee.

Five Fun Facts:

1. Featherstone watches Psych! (Yay!)

2. He’s also seen “10 Things I Hate About You” which is a movie I, myself, have never even seen!

3. He’s one of those shy guys—but the kind that tries not to be shy.

4. He has a fantastic smile

5. He is a perfect gentleman. Honest. If any of you ladies are wondering, he held every door open for me, including the car door. He even pulled my chair out as we sat down to get ice cream and to eat, which is difficult for a male to do un-awkwardly. He acted very well, he asked questions about me and listened to the answers (this shouldn’t be, but is rare). In short (though I’ve already taken longer than the rest of the list put together), Featherstone was the perfect picture of gentleman-ness and propriety and friendship.

Perhaps the most intriguing part of the night was the back-and-forth game of “I know who you are” played between us and The Charmer. She is, in fact, “quite charming” and was “quite charmed” to meet the two of us. Featherstone was a little disgruntled that she stole his line (he had planned to discover her first and then use the “I’m charmed to meet you” line on her to show her that he knew who she was, but she used it on us first!).

I won’t bore you with all the details of the date—it is MY story to keep for myself, after all. But I will say this: even though we didn’t solve the mystery (correctly, that is), I still had a blast.

Grateful and happy and sorry-to-have-taken-so-long and even-maybe-a-little-bit-“Charmed”,

The Chosen One

The chronicles of one, Featherstone McGee

2011-11-25T20:42:00.001-07:00

First off, Happy Black Friday everybody! May you find the deals (and afterward, the sleep) you’re searching for! I’ve never been one for early (3am style) Black Friday shopping. I value my sleep too much. Also, I hope you all had wonderful Thanksgivings. I spent mine with a friend and her family at a cabin in Sundance. It’s gorgeous up there! Now, on to the good stuff:

My dating life has been very off and on since The Breakup nearly two years ago. There have been a few breakups in my life, but this one is the only one deserving of capital letters. Recently (as in the past several months) I’ve started dating again. The number of women in my life is few, but thanks to the Charmer’s Challenge (also deserving of capital letters) my dating life is beginning to pick up again.

And now, an introduction to the cast! In order of appearance:

Miss Comfortable: Miss Comfortable is one of my best friends and is so named because we have a comfortable (and somewhat flirty) friendship and we’re at ease talking with each other about anything. She’s often the one I go to for advice and vice versa. We met at work years ago and have been friends ever since. Just yesterday I had Thanksgiving dinner with Miss Comfortable and her family at a cabin up at Sundance. She makes a mean pecan pie and loves to shoot.

The Politician: The Politician is another girl that I met at work (apparently a prime place to meet new people if all you do is go to school and work). She really is a great girl. I liked her and she liked me. We have had several good dates, the most memorable being a late night meteor shower/improvised dance party. However, I have recently given up on dates with The Politician because, well, she has flip-flopped between really wanting to date me and not wanting to date at all more times than I can count – the John Kerry of my dating life. The confusion was too frustrating for me and I didn’t like always having to check with Miss Comfortable to see what The Politician’s latest stance was (I’m pro-dating myself).

BrightEyes: While the alias itself may be self-explanatory, I would not be doing it justice unless I tell you that the very first thing I noticed about her was how beautiful her eyes were and how brilliantly they shined. We met for the first time only two weeks ago just before the Murder Mystery Dinner (you’ll have the opportunity to hear more about this from her tomorrow) and had a wonderful evening. She didn’t even get mad at me when I gave one of the actresses bunny ears (in my defense, said actress never noticed). She also managed to single-handedly respark my interest in literature.

Most recently we watched 17 Miracles together in the Varsity Theater of the Wilk. We laughed, we cried (yes, me too), we made little side comments. It really is quite an emotional movie. Afterward, we talked until the employees at the Wilk kicked us out. We bounced around covering topics ranging from pranks we’ve pulled to the hardships of the pioneers. After we left, I walked her home and we stood outside her door and continued to talk. Our conversation was interrupted only by a brief snowball fight (never, and I mean never pull your snow from thorny bushes) and moments spent gazing at the beauty of the lightly falling snow. We finally parted around 1am and I didn’t get to bed until 3 or 4, since I was under the impression that going to bed would mean the end of an amazing night and I wanted to postpone that end as long as possible.

So there you have it. This is, in a nutshell, the dating life of one Featherstone McGee. In the future, I will try to provide you with more detailed accounts that will hopefully strengthen your faith in men (or at least in me).

Oh, and I do have a blind date tonight with my friend’s wife’s friend. “As a missionary, the best investigators came through referrals, [Insert Featherstone’s real name here]. My wife says you’ll like her. Consider this a referral.”

Until next time,

Featherstone McGee