Much, Much Better

5/12/2015 The Charmer 1 Comments

I can never believe how quickly time passes. I always say that, so it seems like I would have gotten used to it by now...but I never do. In only five weeks, I'll be leaving China and I'll be back in the US (that is if the bank will stop blocking my credit cards every time I try to order my stinkin plane ticket from a Chinese website) ! Where did the entire school year go? I actually decided to extend my contract, so I will be coming back for the fall semester after a couple months of hopping around the US for weddings, EFY, etc.

My last post (which was a whole month ago, sorry 'bout that) may have left you worrying about my emotional state. I'm guessing that none of you worried for too long, since there weren't any anxious comments asking for updates, but if you did you needn't have. As always, I'm fine! I guess that post was just more of a vent session. I needed to tell someone how I was feeling, and as I explained, most of my friends are too busy being engaged or married to listen to my complain.

First off, Ammon has his mission call! In a month he'll be headed to the MTC and then onto Boston, MA. I think his call is absolutely perfect for him; I can totally picture him in Boston. I won't see him before he leaves but I think it's probably for the best. He doesn't need the distraction of being around me.

I've also decided that I'm not going to "wait" for him. I've always been opposed to waiting for missionaries, but if you hadn't noticed from my Ammon-themed posts I've been pretty smitten with him. In fact, things were going so well that I had decided yes, I was going to wait for him and continue to call him my boyfriend after he left.
And that was right about the time when I started feeling really conflicted about everything. It was shortly after that decision that I wrote my previous post where I admitted to being an emotional wreck.
Obviously something was wrong, right?

As the saying goes, I guess I was "blinded by love" and it took some counsel from someone older and wiser to help me realize it. One of my high school seminary teachers sensed something was up and wrote me a long email with encouragement about the situation. She included part of a letter that she had written to her missionary daughter after her daughter was "Dear Jane"d. With her permission, I've decided to share some of it with you.

Do you believe The Lord loves you? Do you believe that if you put forth your whole heart, might mind and strength 100% that The Lord will bless you so immeasurably with THE PERFECT companion upon your return, that you will weep with such great joy and so much humility for not trusting Him enough to begin with?!
     Dad, Michael, and I all thought we were going to marry one person .... and it didn't work out and we are all SO glad because we found someone who truly was right for us instead. I have heard countless stories of this and guess what? They ALL have happy endings .... Not the ending one expected in the middle, but a much happier one.
     You have great potential to be a FORCE for good in this life, and will be equally yoked to one who has EQUAL potential! And whom you will love more than you imagined you could. 
Let it go and be free to reach your full potential!!!!
Forget yourself and get back to work =D

Finally, she concluded the letter by giving me the exact same advice I'd given to her daughter when she was considering waiting for a missionary: let Ammon go on his own unencumbered journey so that the Lord can work in both your life and his. If in the end, you're led back to Ammon, great. If not, this is a perfect opportunity for the Lord "to lead you to the perfect companion for you to reach your full potential in this life with." 

Her letter was exactly what I needed and immediately afterwards I felt unburdened. I felt peaceful. Of course Ammon is amazing, but it was clear from the way I felt after receiving this advice that going into the next two years with an "on hold" or an "I'm taken" mentality is not what my Heavenly Father wants for me.

So, even though I still feel a little distant in my relationship with Ammon, I still feel lonely on occasion, and all of my friends (including my bestie) are still engaged or pregnant with their 2nd/3rd children, I feel a lot more peaceful about the future than I did a month ago. To be honest, I feel much, much better about everything. Trusting in the Lord has brought me this far (literally as far away as China) and I have absolute confidence that it will continue to bring me exactly where I need to be. Which hopefully includes a temple marriage in the semi-nearish future. 

confidently and peacefully yours,
the charmer

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Is this thing on?

5/10/2015 The Romantic 4 Comments

Oh hello there lovelies. Fancy running into you here.

I type these words as though it's a coincidence running into you here when the fact is that I have deserted you dear readers for far too long. Fortunately, you have all had the most grand privilege of reading the delectable details of the other Anti-Austenites' love lives as I've been away.

And where is it that I've been dear readers? Well for the most part binge watching LOST and The West Wing while eating sweet potato pizza. Alone. In my apartment. In South Korea. (After diligently teaching English to lovely Korean children all day of course)

People constantly ask about my love life here. But as always, there is nothing to tell. Maybe there was a Korean man who's taken me out on several dates. But Korean dating is such an undefined wild beast for me, that I can still never make heads or tails of it. Perhaps a Korean gentleman is making advances towards me, but then again, perhaps he is just more skilled at using emoticons than Americans are. It's all very confusing.

When I tell Koreans that I have no dating life whatsoever, they seem just as perplexed as I am as to why I don't have one. (Which I find to be extremely validating).

"But you're so pretty!" (a cultural opinion, as I'm not by American standards)

"But you graduated from BYU!" (again not anything very special there)

"But you're so fun!" (ok, I do agree with them on that point. I am a barrel full of laughs)

"But you're a returned missionary!" So this last exclamation brings me to the discussion point of this blog post. In my experience (based on the spoken opinion of American men in my last BYU ward and some married American military men I've met here), guys don't like dating RMs.

But in Korea, a returned sister missionary is prized. Men here prefer to date an RM. And some parents worry that if their daughters don't serve a mission, they won't get married at all.

This has been my experience.

But this begs the question readers, what has been your experience? Is the undateable RM sister reality or myth?

Before my mission, I was the type of girl who went on multiple dates... in one day.

And now?

(insert funny joke here comparing my dating life to the California drought)

Well that's all for now dear readers. It may be another six months before I write you again. But maybe not.

Xoxo
-the Romantic

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He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

5/08/2015 The Lady 4 Comments

I know that I have more than sufficiently wallowed over The Counselor. I know I have dragged you through all the ups and downs right along with me. I know there have been more downs than ups. And now I know he and I are down for good. 

The Counselor sent me a text one night near midnight to ask how I was doing. It has always been situations like this that make me go through the horrendous ordeal of he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not. There is no half-heartedness with me. Before long our casual texting about the greatness of Ben Folds and how he needs to watch more episodes of Friends took a turn to why he and I would never work out. Not my favorite topic of conversation. 

Him: You and I are different. While we get along well, and I believe that any two people committed to each other and The Savior can make it work, I feel like we're constantly trying to change each other's minds. I feel like we get under each other's skin unnecessarily frequently. And not in the good kind of drive-me-crazy way either. 

Me: Then why did you drag this out? You didn't have to take me out, you didn't have to keep talking to me. I would have been okay, really. 

Him: But I wanted to. 

Me: But there was nothing to gain from it. 

Him: The truth is, I thoroughly enjoy you as a human, and I'm not one to write that off. In the long run, you're either friends, you date, or you pretend each other doesn't exist! And in [city where we went to grad school], how do you pretend someone doesn't exist? Especially someone who is an absolute breath of fresh air? 

I am sure you can imagine my inner dialogue during all of this. This mind-numbing discussion went on and on and on for another two hours, and even though The Counselor never said "I don't like you because you're too opinionated and argumentative," that is precisely what I took away from the conversation. C'mon, I'm a girl and I will interpret and conclude and over-analyze until the day I don't cry when watching Little Women (never). 

Sometimes when I am hurt by a boy/guy/man (intentionally or unintentionally) it sends out ripples to every other past failed relationship or non-relationship. This one particularly stung as it brought back memories of Dex telling me how infuriating I was because of how argumentative I can be and blaming our break up on my opinionated-ness. What's the matter with me? 

At the same time, it was maddening to feel like I was to blame again because I have strong opinions. Albeit sometimes strong opinions about trivial things. I feel as though I am supposed to be sweet and passive all the time. Is that how I am supposed to be?

Con Amor, 
The Lady 

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