Three Reasons Why We're Ringless
I mentioned in my last post that I've been wondering why so many incredible people don't seem to be making the transition from single to spouse. (I'm still curious to hear your opinions on the matter, so please comment away and let your thoughts be heard!) I've narrowed it down to three things, which, in my opinion, seem to be the main culprits of ringless ring fingers.
1. Fear
For many single people, the thought of marriage is a scary one. I will be the first to admit that I am a gamophobe. If I had to pin down my top 3 fears, I'd say they are getting into a car accident, getting mugged, and getting married. Some of you may laugh at me. It's fine; I can take it. I know it may sound ridiculous, but there are just so many things about marriage that freak me out. It makes me nervous to think about choosing ONE person that I am going to be with forever. It makes me nervous to think about having children and raising a family, especially given my severe lack of domestic traits. I could go on, but I think you get the picture. For me and for a lot of other unmarried folk, it is just so much more comfortable to stay single. Being single is less threatening. We know how to be single. We don't know (or don't think we know) how to be married. Granted, I know these are all just excuses, and from a spiritual perspective we need to recognize that the gospel of Jesus Christ is not and has NEVER been about being "comfortable" or complacent. But still; it doesn't mean these fears just go away. For those of you who WERE terrified of tying the knot but ARE married, what are some things that helped you?
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| Runaway bride, anyone? |
2. Not interested
Recently I've met more and more young single adults that just aren't interested in getting married. I actually went on a date last night with a guy who is 29 and is pretty content where he's at. I guess I need to give him some credit because he is going on dates and such, but his attitude was really more of "it'll happen when it happens." He told me that he's happy with how his life is right now and he figures he's still got a few years of singledom ahead of him. I don't want it to sound like I am passing judgment on him; to be honest, I kind of feel the same way. The idea of staying single for a few more years is an appealing one, especially because there are so many things that I think I want to do with my life! However, at the same time, we need to analyze what our priorities are. If one of our top priorities in life is to get married and raise a family, isn't that something we should probably be pursuing? It's true that not everyone is ready to get married when they're in the 22-25 range. But I think that purposefully putting it off too long can be a bad idea. I know that for me, at least, the longer I am by myself and the more "single" habits I develop, the harder it will be to eventually settle down and share my life with someone else.
Now some of you might be saying, Okay, Miss Charmer, are you saying that because I'm 27 and not married it's MY FAULT?! No, I assure you that I am not. This brings me to what I think is the most common reason that so many of us are still hanging out in YSA wards....
3. Not meeting "the one"
What it really seems to come down to is that we are just not meeting our Mr. or Ms. Right. So our problem appears to be FINDING that person. Think of all the online dating websites (and nowadays, dating apps) that have been created to remedy this problem; I'm sure more than a few of you have dabbled on Tinder and some of you have probably tried other sites like eHarmony or LDSSingles.com. The only reason these sites exist is because FINDING a mate has become a universal problem! There are literally HUNDREDS of reasons why someone may struggle to find a companion. Location is a HUGE factor; my best friend who lives in Cambodia has a lot harder time finding eligible single men than my friends who live in Provo. Personal preference is another factor; let's be honest, some of us are just plain picky.
But what I want to focus on is something I've observed a lot both at BYU and here in my current singles ward that I think contributes because I think it might be something we can actually change.
MY THEORY:
As a society, we are forgetting how to spend one-on-one time truly getting to know a person.
And, if you don't feel like you really know someone...why on earth would you decide to marry them?
A lot of us spend so much time on social media and on our phones having conversations consisting mainly of hashtags and emoticons that our time spent in real face-to-face conversations diminishes. I am guilty of having friends that I've talked to more via Facebook than in real life...and these weren't friends that lived across the country, either.
I also feel like often when we do have face-to-face conversations, they center around very surface-level subjects. How's work, don't you love this weather, have you seen the new captain america movie? I don't think there's anything wrong with small talk, but what I DO think is sad is how many conversations I've had with the same people that never progressed beyond small talk. That means that even though I may have talked to this person multiple times, we've NEVER talked about anything real. (Yes, I am guilty of this, too.) Why do we do this? Are we afraid of offending people, so we avoid subjects that may trigger a deeper-level response? Are we ourselves afraid of opening up and letting others peer into our deeper thoughts? These are all rhetorical questions, but I think they are ones that are worth thinking about.
The last thing I want to discuss is another phenomenon that in my opinion, makes it hard to truly get to know a person: hanging out. Now, before you freak out, know that I love hanging out with people. I love movie nights and karaoke parties. I think spending time in groups is fabulous. BUT I also recognize that it can often limit our ability to have these deeper-level conversations with people.
For example: The members of my current ward hang out all the time. They literally have movie nights every other night. Dating....eh, not so much. I've been to a few of these movie nights (as many as my sleep schedule will allow!) and even though I usually have a good time, I'm sad to say that I don't really know a whole lot about the people in the group. Sure, I know where they work and who served missions and who is most likely to crack jokes during the movie. But I don't feel like I know any of them that well. Group settings are a lot of fun, but when you only spend time with others in groups, it's hard to get to know them well enough to want to date, much less marry, them.
This must be why, when Elder Oaks came to my mission, he told us missionaries that we'd better not come home and just "hang out." Talking about RMs who do this, he said, "Doggone it, they come home and don't get married! They do this thing called 'hanging out.' And although it may not be a sin, it is close to it!"
Well, there's my 2 cents. Looks like I'd better start working on my conversation skills. What do you think?
Toodles,
The Charmer
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