In vain I have struggled.

12/27/2012 The Lady 4 Comments

Horror. Utter horror. If the world was as it should be, exes would disappear once the relationship ended. Instead, they continue to haunt. One becomes anxious just going to the grocery store for the fear of bumping into an "Undesirable". While some have exes who simply lurk around the edges of their lives, mine seek me out. 

I was nervous when I left Provo for Christmas break that my path would cross at least once {if not several times} with one {or more} of my past amours. Since Mr. Cowboy and his little wife {ugh} live in the same area as my parents, a run-in was almost inevitable. I was on my toes at church to make a quick exit if I needed to, and I strategically planned and timed my trips to the store. But I imagined myself safe when I was in the confines of my own home. Foolhardy. 

On Christmas Eve, Mr. Cowboy came to my house. Blatant. Harsh. Confusing. My sister rushed to the bathroom where I was getting ready and warned me that Mr. Cowboy was at the door. As he was welcomed into my home as a long lost friend by the entire family, I remained locked in my bedroom pretending to be non-existent and covering my ears with my hands to block out the sound of his voice and laughter.  Unbearable. I waited an hour while my family chatted with him, praying that he would leave. Towards the end of the hour, Mr. Cowboy sent my sister to fetch me from my prison. I refused to show my face and my dear sister {whom I owe so much} was left with the task of informing Mr. Cowboy, who left without his characteristic smile on his face. 

Why did he come? Surely he realizes that friendship between us is impossible. Why would he seek me out?

I'm ashamed to admit that this one still hurts. Surprisingly, much more than the Dex situation {who was also just recently married}. I imagined that in my joy of being free from all these expectations and circumstances that I would be sincerely joyous, but some days I am not. Even though I understand deep down that I do not want to be married to any of these gentlemen, it is insufferable to be the one not chosen. The anti-heroine. 

Con Amor, 
The Lady

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Mistletoe Kissing Prank

12/21/2012 The Blue Stocking 4 Comments




When I saw the title for this clip I was intrigued.

When I watched it I was disgusted.

And when I finished it I was baffled.

Would I ever just randomly go up and kiss someone? I feel like I wouldn't, mostly because it would MORTIFY me.

So what do you think of the Mistletoe Kissing Prank? Would you kiss a stranger? 

Also, why is it that family parties always have mistletoe. Do they not realize they are basically endorsing incest?  And the only time it works out is if you are Sandra Bullock leaving the house of the man you’re pretending to be engaged to and you get trapped under the mistletoe with his attractive brother. Then the real magic begins.

But for the rest of us, we are doomed to find ourselves under there with Uncle Al’s weird son.

Anyways, Merry Christmas and here’s hoping that you find Mr. Right under the mistletoe and not just Mr. Right now.

-The Bluestocking

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Another from The Charmer

12/20/2012 The Anti-Austen 5 Comments

I had to give you an update.
As of last week, Mr. Director is engaged. HOLY COW! I really hadn't pegged him as the "get engaged after 3 months to a 19-year-old" type. Well, glad I jumped that ship when I did! ;)
So it looks like I ended up with a very typical "Dear Jane" mission story. Let's be real, I probably should have called that one. My life is much too ironic to have had it happen any other way.
I just wanted to let you know that I am (surprisingly) perfectly okay! I didn't shed a single tear about the engagement (although I may have shed a few when I first found out about her). I truly have realized since being out here that Mr. Director, despite his many great qualities, was not the man for me. I do wish him luck and hope that this quick engagement turns out to bring him lasting happiness. After all, I've always been a fan of true love...and from the way he writes about her to me (gag! Is that really necessary?!?), it sounds like this might very well be it. Either that or some intense infatuation...
Anyways, I love you all and hope you have a wonderful Christmas! If any of you have lovely dating success stories or even just something you'd like to share with me, please feel free to email byudates@gmail.com and they will forward them onto me. After all, I do love to get mail; I'm a missionary!

xoxoxo
sister charmer

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BYU Insight

12/17/2012 The Anti-Austen 8 Comments

Guess who's on the front page of BYU Insight?

-The Anti-Austens

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The Man with Many Hats

12/14/2012 The Lady 1 Comments

With finals week comes many an extraordinary event. But that's all over now. I'm finished with BYU and it's finished with me. It is one of the strangest feelings I have ever encountered. Now I must needs figure out what to do with my life. Teacher? Actress? Heart surgeon?

One of this week's more extraordinary events was a discussion I had with a classmate. I spent an entire semester in class with this guy and never really ever said more than "hello" to him, but then BAM! We sat in the hall and had a phenomenal discussion which took up most of the hour we had each set aside to study for exams. Who needs more time to study when great conversations can be had? I may not remember what my grades were by next month, but I am certain I will remember this conversation for many years.

We just sat there, our backs against the walls as we talked about our major, our lives, our ambitions. It was the best sort of connection. Then he said something that I'll never forget. "I like to think of myself as a man with many hats." He proceeded to tell me all the majors he had tried all the things he hoped to do, the reason he was in our major and what other majors he hoped to try afterwards. A man with many hats.

All I could think of was how exhausted I was by our conversation. It was like exercising for the first time after months of being sedentary or getting sprayed by a fire hose. Exhilarating and overwhelming all at once. I want to marry a man like that. Not particularly this man, but a man who feels like he does about his own life. That there is just too much to learn to take a break from it all.

I want a man who wears many hats. I am after all a woman with many faces.

Con Amor,
The Lady

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I've always been one of those girls...

12/12/2012 The Romantic 4 Comments

I really should be studying right now. Or writing that 10 page research paper that I've put off far too long. But my bed is just so comfy, and my little space heater is lulling me to sleep along with the strains of Christmas music(oh stop it Michael) floating out of my computer speakers. I figured my only option as a means of staying awake was to blog... Enjoy. 


A couple weeks ago, I was sitting at my work computer day dreaming about Korea. Specifically day dreaming about teaching English there after graduation. My mind began to fill with images faster than I could think them.

-the kpop concerts
-the clothes shopping
-the crazy hairstyle I could finally have after being freed from the honor code
-the food
-the food
-the food
-pal'ing around with mission friends
-the food
-dancing!
-the food

 And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. All these day dreams involved me as a single person. For the first time in my life, I wasn't feeling this overwhelming desire to just settle down and be married.

My inner voice piped up then, "You are only 23. 23 is young. You don't want to get married right now! What's the big ruuuush?"

Suddenly I was liberated! How freeing and utterly strange it felt. I've always been one of those girls who wants to get married.

This isn't to say that I've sworn off marriage completely (don't worry about telling me I'm the bane of every General Authorities' existence, my best friend already took care of that). I just don't crave it the way I used to. There are so many things I want to do and become! Maybe that's a selfish way to look at things, but here's why I think it might be ok.

In thinking about this new outlook on dating I realized something: Since I've been home from my mission, I've been forgetting to look at the men as my life as people. Instead, I'd been looking at them as future eternal companion applicants. I've been seeing the men I met as check lists: Good major? check. Second language skills? check. Good style? not exactly a check, but moldable.

And no one deserves to be looked at in that way.


So readers, this is the new me. A Romantic who is grateful for her single-hood, and not trying for anything more for a long while. Here's to people being people, and not check-lists!

xoxo
-the Romantic

ps. with that being said, I think I have a date(the way he asked was a little ambiguous) to go see the midnight showing of The Hobbit tomorrow. But the new Romantic doesn't care if it's a date or not. Because either way, it's going to be a ton of fun. We're making shirts and everything.



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Letter from The Charmer

12/11/2012 The Anti-Austen 2 Comments

Hello lovely readers!

We've only been apart a few short months but some of you might have already forgotten about me. Well, determined as I am not to let myself slip from your minds...I decided to write and wish you all a Merry Christmas!
Okay, okay, I honestly don't care if you forget about me. But I wanted you all to know that the Anti-Austens still cross my mind on occasion! I just wanted to give you a brief little update to let you know how I'm doing.

I absolutely LOVE being a missionary! Oh, I am so glad that I chose to come out on a mission! It really is the best thing I could be doing with my life right now. I get to see the Lord's hand in my life every single day! I really do witness so many miracles out here, and I've met a lot of truly amazing people. For example, there were Bryce and Belle, who were super prepared to accept the gospel. They randomly showed up to church one Sunday and got baptized seven days later! Or there is 11-year-old Danny, who told us he wanted to get baptized so that his family could be together forever. And in addition to lots of miracles, a mission is also really FUN! I've laughed nonstop at the antics of 19- and 20-year-old boys, I've attended synagogue and sung in Hebrew in front of a whole congregation of Jewish people, I've broken into the elders' apartment and caused havoc, I've fed seagulls, I've ridden a bike for 2 1/2 hours straight, I've been given free art lessons, and I've eaten lots of good food. And with all these wonderful things going on, all the discouraging moments are quickly forgotten!

I wish I could have been at BYU or at least on Facebook when the missionary age was lowered. I'm sure lots of you are excitedly preparing to go out and serve the Lord full-time! That is so awesome! It's definitely something that you need to prayerfully consider, but I would recommend it to any of you. I am so glad that I chose to come out on my mission. I've only been here for a few months but it already has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life! And another plus side is that now, less of you will have to make the tough marriage/mission decision! YAY!

Speaking of the marriage/mission decision...let me just say, thank heavens I didn't stick around and marry Mr. Director! I had only been on my mission for a month when he was already dating someone new! I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, given our rocky dating history, but it was still a definite ouch! moment. Plus, to add insult to injury, his new soul mate is only 19. Now, I realize that a lot of you are also 19. There's nothing wrong with still being in your youthful prime...but the thing is, Mr. Director is a little bit on the geezer side. As Brigham Young would say, he's "a menace to society". In my opinion, it's a little weird for him to have a teenage girlfriend. But if they're happy, then more power to them! I'm just very glad that I didn't end up giving up my mission for him. After all, if he couldn't even last 2 months, why would I trust him to stick around for all eternity?

I also thought you might like to know that I did, in fact, have a major crush on one of my MTC teachers. I guess even as a sister missionary I'm still susceptible to the emotions brought on by a handsome face and a strong testimony. ;)
Well, hopefully things are going fabulously in the BYU dating world. I hope that my fellow Anti-Austens have found themselves some good men to drink hot chocolate with as the weather cools down. Today, it's over 80 degrees, so I doubt I'll be doing much cocoa-guzzling. Know that I'm so grateful for the opportunity I had to be a writer on this blog and for the chance I had to share and receive advice from many of you! I'm also looking forward to being joined by many of you in the mission field very soon!
 
And so, I bid you adieu for now...and have a CHARMING Christmas! ;)
 
xoxoxo
the charmer

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{Insert clever title}

12/07/2012 The Lady 1 Comments

Dear Friendly Strangers,
I hope your finals are treating you well and are not making a mess of your mind like they are doing to me. I would give you some bit of juicy news, but honestly I can't remember the last time I saw a man. I've been shut up in my apartment studying and when I'm not there studying, I'm shoved into a solitary corner of the library studying.

Please do something fun (and only minutely scandalous) for me this weekend.

Con Amor,
The Lady

P.S. While I'm not thinking about papers,
I'm daydreaming about Benedict Cumberbatch.
Dreamy.



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Reminiscing

12/04/2012 The Romantic 3 Comments

Recollections of my first kiss.

I had waited 19 years for this moment. 19 years to connect with someone in a way that both terrified and thrilled me at the same time. 19 years of wondering what it would be like. 19 years of waiting.

It had been about a week and half since his ardent declaration of affection. I was confused and bewildered by how new and wonderful it all felt: this being so aware of someone else.

If his arm wasn't slung around my shoulders, or if his fingers weren't interlaced with mine, then I could feel his gaze. The unphysical touch.

That night I met his grandpa. We watched a play. I watched him talk with family friends after. He seemed to be so enraptured by what they were saying. But his hand was always at my knee. Looking at him, I thought, "This is it. He's it..." My heart felt like it was going to burst, it was so full.

As we got into the car to drive home I said, "Let's not go home yet."

"Where do you want to go?" he queried.

Could he read my thoughts then? Could he see past the pretenses to the meaning in my eyes? Could he see what I wanted?

We drove through the canyon, a favorite spot of ours all summer. We parked the car and got out to walk around. It only took a few minutes of twigs snapping and owls hooting for me to be spooked enough to want to leave.

We got back in the car. He buckled his seat belt and slipped the key into the ignition. All his actions were quick and harried. He was nervous.

I turned to him in my seat. "You have got to be kidding me," I said. We were leaving! And I hadn't gotten what I had been waiting so long for!

That's when the dome light dimmed. I could only see his darkened silhouette across the car. I closed my eyes. I leaned towards him. I kissed his cheek, his beard scratchy against my lips. I kissed his cheek again, edging closer to that unknown territory of his mouth. I kissed his face again, this time even closer.

And suddenly his mouth covered mine. It felt so strange! Did I even like this? Rain drops started to fall against the car roof top.  His lips formed against the shape of mine. After a few seconds I pulled away. But I knew then. I liked it.

One of his hands still gripped the steering wheel, as he sat still and quiet, buckled in the driver's seat.

"I think I need a minute," he whispered.

I laughed. "Ok."


19 years was worth the wait.

xoxo
-the Romantic



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Jane's Everywhere!

12/03/2012 The Blue Stocking 5 Comments

Since the TA and I broke up, things have remained relatively normal (ok it's awful) and that all changed last week. On Thursday, our office thought if would be a real hoot if we decided to move a couple of people around. That resulted in me sitting within one yard of the TA instead of down the hall. YAY. The best part is that neither one of us knows how to handle it. Now we see each other every day and we've fallen into this pattern of casual flirting without ever really talking.

Are you supposed to flirt with your ex?

On to other news: I have been following these video blogs for some time and I just think they are perfect for the Jane lover in all of us. They post new episodes twice a week and they're only like 4 minutes so it's an ideal length of time for a study break. Sure they're on episode 69, but don't let that stop you. It'll be a well-deserved procrastination hiatus from finals.


 
http://www.youtube.com/user/lizziebennet

-The Bluestocking

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